BARWON DISTRICT SOCIAL GOLF CLUB GEELONG |
(WITH SPECIAL THANKS TO FRANK'S COUSIN)
A LITTLE HUMOUR
NOt every flower can say love, but a rose can.
Not every flower can survive thirst, but a cactus can.
Not every vegetable can read, but bless, look at you having a little go!
Hank is lying in bed in the hospital, wearing an oxygen mask over his mouth and nose. A young student nurse appears to give him a partial sponge bath. "Nurse," he mumbles from behind the mask, "are my testicles black?" Embarrassed, the young nurse replies, "I don't know, Sir. I'm only here to wash your upper body and feet." He struggles to ask again, "Nurse, please check for me. Are my testicles black?" Concerned that he might elevate his blood pressure and heart rate from worrying about his testicles, she overcomes her embarrassment and pulls back the covers. She raises his gown, holds his manhood in one Hand and his testicles gently in the other. She looks very closely and says, "There's nothing wrong with them, Sir. They look fine." The man slowly pulls off his oxygen mask, and says very slowly, "Thank you very much. That was wonderful. Now listen to me very, very closely: "Are – my – test – results - back....!"
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets. The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that. The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland.'
Six retired Floridians were playing poker in the condo clubhouse when Meyerwitz loses $500 on a single hand, clutches his chest and drops dead at the table. Showing respect for their fallen comrade, the other five continued playing standing up. Finkelstein looks around and asks, "So, who is going to tell his wife"? They draw straws. Goldberg picks the short one. They tell him to use good judgment, be discreet and be gentle. Don't make a bad situation any worse. "Discreet"? he asked. "I'll be the most discreet person you will ever meet. Discretion is my middle name. Just leave it to me." So, Goldberg goes over to the Meyerwitz apartment and knocks on the door. The wife answers and asks what he wants. Goldberg declares, "Your husband just lost $500 and is afraid to come home." "Tell him to drop dead!" she yells. "I'll go tell him," says Goldberg.
My parents had not been out together in quite some time. One Saturday, as Mom was finishing the dinner dishes, my father stepped up behind her. "Would you like to go out, girl"? he asked. Not even turning around, my mother quickly replied, "Oh, yes, I'd love to!" They had a wonderful evening and it wasn't until much later that Dad finally confessed that his question had actually been directed to the family dog, laying near Mom's feet on the kitchen floor.
IN THE FIFTIES:
Pasta was not eaten in Australia or N.Z.
Curry was a surname.
A takeaway was a mathematical problem.
A pizza was something to do with a leaning tower.
All potato crisps/chips were plain; the only choice we had was whether to put the salt on or not.
Rice was only eaten as a milk pudding.
Calamari was called squid and we used it as fish bait.
A Big Mac was what we wore when it was raining.
Brown bread was something only poor people ate.
Oil was for lubricating, fat was for cooking.
Tea was made in a teapot using tea leaves and never green.
Sugar enjoyed a good press in those days, and was regarded as being white gold. Cubed sugar was regarded as posh.
Fish didn't have fingers in those days.
Eating raw fish was called poverty, not sushi.
None of us had ever heard of yoghurt.
Healthy food consisted of anything edible.
People who didn't peel potatoes were regarded as lazy.
Indian restaurants were only found in India.
Cooking outside was called camping.
Seaweed was not a recognised food.
"Kebab" was not even a word, never mind a food.
Prunes were medicinal.
Surprisingly, muesli was readily available, it was called cattle feed.
Water came out of the tap. If someone had suggested bottling it and charging more than petrol for it, they would have become a laughing stock!!
But two things that we NEVER ever had on our tables in the fifties were ....." Elbows and Phones"
"There are a number of mechanical devices which increase sexual arousal, particularly in women. Chief among these is the Mercedes-Benz SL500” - Frank Sinatra
"It isn't premarital sex if you have no intention of getting married." - George Burns
"My mother never saw the irony in calling me a son-of-a-bitch." - Jack Nicholson
"Clinton lied. A man might forget where he parks or where he lives, but he never forgets oral sex, no matter how bad it is." .....- Barbara Bush (Former US First Lady)
"Ah, yes, divorce, from the Latin word meaning to rip out a man's genitals through his wallet." - Robin Williams
"According to a new survey, women say they feel more comfortable undressing in front of men than they do undressing in front of other women. They say that women are too judgmental, where of course, men are just grateful." - Robert De Niro
"There's a new medical crisis. Doctors are reporting that many men are having allergic reactions to latex condoms. They say they cause severe swelling. So what's the problem?" - Dustin Hoffman
- "There's very little advice in men's magazines, because men think, 'I know what I'm doing. Just show me somebody naked!" - Jerry Seinfeld
"See, the problem is that God gives men a brain and a penis and only enough blood to run one at a time." - Robin Williams
"It's been so long since I've had sex, I've forgotten who ties up whom." - Joan Rivers
- Sex is one of the most wholesome, beautiful and natural experiences money can buy. - Steve Martin
You don't appreciate a lot of stuff in school until you get older. Little things like being spanked every day by a middle-aged woman. Stuff you pay good money for later in life. - Bob Hope
"Bigamy is having one wife too many. Monogamy is the same." - Oscar Wilde
For you slightly old people
ARE WE THE ONES WITH DEMENTIA? ARE WE THE ONES WHO ARE AGING? REALLY?
ONE
Recently, I went to McDonald's and I saw on the menu that you could have an order of 6, 9 or 12 Chicken McNuggets.
I asked for a half dozen nuggets. 'We don't have half dozen nuggets,' said the teenager at the counter. 'You don't?' I replied. 'We only have six, nine, or twelve,' was the reply. 'So I can't order a half dozen nuggets, but I can order six?' 'That's right.' So I shook my head and ordered six McNuggets (Unbelievable but sadly true...) (Must have been the same one I asked for sweetener and she said they didn't have any, only Splenda and sugar.) (And they think they are worth $15.00 per hour)
TWO
I was checking out at the local Wal-Mart with just a few items and the lady behind me put her things on the belt close to mine. I picked up one of those dividers that they keep by the cash register and placed it between our things so they wouldn't get mixed. After the girl had scanned all of my items, she picked up the divider, looking it all over for the bar code so she could scan it. Not finding the bar code, she said to me, 'Do you know how much this is?' I said to her 'I've changed my mind; I don't think I'll buy that today.' She said 'OK,' and I paid her for the things and left. She had no clue to what had just happened. (But the lady behind me had a big smirk on her face as I left)
THREE
A woman at work was seen putting a credit card into her DVD drive and pulling it out very quickly. When I inquired as to what she was doing, she said she was shopping on the Internet and they kept asking for a credit card number, so she was using the ATM thingy. (Keep shuddering!!)
FOUR
I recently saw a distraught young lady weeping beside her car. 'Do you need some help?' I asked. She replied, 'I knew I should have replaced the battery to this remote door un-locker. Now I can't get into my car. Do you think they (pointing to a distant convenience store) would have a battery to fit this?' Hmm, I don't know. Do you have an alarm, too?' I asked. 'No, just this remote thingy,' she answered, handing it and the car keys to me. As I took the key and manually unlocked the door, I replied, 'Why don't you drive over there and check about the batteries. It's a long walk....' PLEASE just lie down before you hurt yourself!!!
FIVE
Several years ago, we had an Intern who was none too swift. One day she was typing and turned to a secretary and said, 'I'm almost out of typing paper. What do I do?' 'Just use paper from the photocopier', the secretary told her. With that, the intern took her last remaining blank piece of paper, put it on the photocopier and proceeded to make five blank copies. A Brunette, by the way!!
SIX
A mother calls 911 very worried asking the dispatcher if she needs to take her kid to the emergency room, the kid had eaten ants. The dispatcher tells her to give the kid some Benadryl and he should be fine, the mother says, 'I just gave him some ant killer......' Dispatcher: 'Rush him in to emergency right now!' Life is tough. It's even tougher if you're stupid!!!! Someone had to remind me, so I'm reminding you too. Don't laugh....it is all true..
Perks of reaching 60 or being over 70 and heading towards 80!
1. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.
2 In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.
3. No one expects you to run--anywhere.
4. People call at 8 PM and ask, "Did I wake you?"
5. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.
6. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.
7. Things you buy now won't wear out.
8. You can eat supper at 5 PM .
9. You can live without sex but not your glasses.
10. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.
11. You can't remember who sent you this list.
12. And you notice these are all in Big Print for your convenience.
Sue and Jane are shopping together at the supermarket. When they get to the vegetables, Sue hefts a good sized potato in each hand and says, "You know, Jane, these remind me of John's balls." Jane, impressed says, "Hmm, that big, huh?"
"No", Sue answers. "That dirty."
There was this preacher who was an avid golfer. Every chance he could get, he could be found on the golf course swinging away. It was an obsession. One Sunday was a picture perfect day for golfing. The sun was out, no clouds in the sky, and the temperature was just right. The preacher was in a quandary as to what to do, and shortly, the urge to play golf overcame him. He called an assistant to tell him that he was sick and could not do church, packed the car up, and drove three hours to a golf course where no one would recognize him. Happily, he began to play the course. An angel up above was watching the preacher and was quite perturbed. He went to God and said, "Look at the preacher. He should be punished for what he is doing." God nodded in agreement. The preacher teed up on the first hole. He swung at the ball, and it sailed effortlessly through the air and landed right in the cup three hundred and fifty yards away. A picture perfect hole-in-one. He was amazed and excited. The angel was a little shocked. He turned to God and said, "Begging Your pardon, but I thought you were going to punish him." God smiled. "Think about it—who can he tell?"
..After Sunday service a young couple talked to the pastor about joining the church. He hadn't met the husband before, so he asked what church he was transferring from. The husband looked down at his feet and replied, "I am transferring from the Municipal Golf Course.
There was a Jewish man who did circumcisions on small Jewish baby boys. He had been doing it for years and all the time collected the foreskins from all the babies. He had quite a lot, then one day walked past a shop that had the following sign in the window, "We Can Make Anything Out Of Anything - Just Bring The Material" So the Jewish man went in and asked them to make a purse from the foreskins he had collected. He was told to go back in a week's time when it would be ready. A week later, he returned to the shop to collect the purse. He complemented the shopkeeper for doing such a fine job and asked how much he owed him. "$50" said the shopkeeper. "$50, for such a small purse, you must be joking! How come it's so expensive?" The shopkeeper replied "Ah, you see this is no ordinary purse...if you rub it, it turns into a suitcase"
The Scottish Cow.....
The only cow in a small town in Ireland stopped giving milk. Then the town folk found they could buy a cow in Scotland quite cheaply. So, they brought the cow over from Scotland . It was absolutely wonderful. It produced lots of milk every day and everyone was happy. They bought a bull to mate with the cow to get more cows so they'd never have to worry about their milk supply again. They put the bull in the pasture with the cow but whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he was never able to do the deed. The people were very upset and decided to go to the Vet, who was very wise, tell him what was happening and ask his advice. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. If he attempts it from the one side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet rubbed his chin thoughtfully and pondered this before asking, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Scotland ?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned that they had brought the cow over from Scotland .. "How did you know we got the cow from Scotland "My wife's from Scotland "
All the children were invited to come forward. One little girl was wearing a particularly pretty dress and, as she sat down, the pastor leaned over and said, "That is a very pretty dress. Is it your Easter Dress?"
The little girl replied, directly into the pastor's clip-on microphone, "Yes, and my Mom says it's a bitch to iron."
One day the first grade teacher was reading the story of Chicken Little to her class. She came to the part of the story
where Chicken Little tried to warn the farmer. She read, ".... and so Chicken Little went up to the farmer and said,
"The sky is falling, the sky is falling!" The teacher paused then asked the class, "And what do you think that farmer said?" One little girl raised her hand and said, "I think he said: 'Holy shit! A talking chicken!'"
The teacher was unable to teach for the next 10 minutes.
A little boy was doing his math homework. He said to himself, "Two plus five, that son of a bitch is seven.
Three plus six, that son of a bitch is nine..." His mother heard what he was saying and gasped, "What are you doing?"
The little boy answered, "I'm doing my math homework, Mom." "And this is how your teacher taught you to do it?" the mother asked. "Yes," he answered. Infuriated, the mother asked the teacher the next day, "What are you teaching my son in math?" The teacher replied, "Right now, we are learning addition." The mother asked, "And are you teaching them to say two plus two, that son of a bitch is four?" After the teacher stopped laughing, she answered,
"What I taught them was, two plus two, THE SUM OF WHICH, is four."
A certain little girl, when asked her name, would reply, "I'm Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter." Her mother told her this was wrong, she must say, "I'm Jane Sugarbrown." The Vicar spoke to her in Sunday School, and said, "Aren't you Mr. Sugarbrown's daughter?" She replied, "I thought I was, but mother says I'm not."
A little girl goes to the barber shop with her father. She stands next to the barber chair, while her dad gets his hair cut, eating a snack cake The barber says to her, "Sweetheart, you're gonna get hair on your Twinkie." She says, "Yes, I know, and I'm gonna get boobs too"
The minister started his Children’s Sermon with a question, “Who knows what a Resurrection is?” Without missing a beat a young boy says, “If you have one lasting more than 4 hours call your physician.” The pastor is still laughing.
IDIOT SIGHTING 1:
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin back.'
She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change.
Do not confuse the people at McD's in Shepparton Vic
IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener. I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.' We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown, NSW.
IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.' Story from Bauple, Qld
IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce. From Castle Hill, Sydney ........
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?’ To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask'. This happened at Melbourne Airport
IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it is safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red. Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in the Adelaide Post Office, SA
IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked.
'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'its open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.' Holden Dealership Townsville, Qld
STAY ALERT! They walk among us...!
The teacher was telling the kids at a Banora Point school about the birds and bees and explained that when a man and a woman meet and fall in love, nine months later the stork usually brings them a little baby from its nest. Little Gemma at the back of the class put her hand up and says to the teacher " Are you sure about the stork miss, cause I think you’re getting your birds mixed up, cause my sister just had a baby and she said it was from a shag on the beach at Coolangatta "
IT HURTS JUST TO READ THIS!!!
A little old lady was walking down the street dragging two large plastic garbage bags behind her. One of the bags was ripped and every once in awhile a $20 bill fell out onto the sidewalk.Noticing this, a policeman stopped her, and said, "Ma'am, there are $20 bills falling out of that bag." "Oh, really? Darn it!" said the little old lady. "I'd better go back and see if I can find them. Thanks for telling me, Officer." "Well, now, not so fast," said the cop. "Where did you get all that money? You didn't steal it, did you?" "Oh, no, no", said the old lady. "You see, my back yard is right next to a golf course. A lot of golfers come and pee through a knot hole in my fence, right into my flower garden. It used to really tick me off. Kills the flowers, you know. Then I thought, 'why not make the best of it?' So, now, I stand behind the fence by the knot hole, real quiet, with my hedge clippers. Every time some guy sticks his thing through my fence, I surprise him, grab hold of it and say, 'O.K., buddy! Give me $20 or off it comes!' "Well, that seems only fair," said the cop, laughing. "OK. Good luck! Oh, by the way, what's in the other bag?" "Not everybody pays"
Found on the Refrigerator One Morning:
My Dear Wife, You will surely understand that I have certain needs that you, being 54 years old, can no longer satisfy. I am very happy with you and I value you as a good wife. Therefore, after reading this letter, I hope that you will not wrongly interpret the fact that I will be spending the evening with my 18 year old secretary at the Comfort Inn Hotel. Please don't be upset I shall be home before midnight.
When the man came home late that night, he found the following letter on the dining room table: My Dear Husband, I received your letter and thank you for your honesty about my being 54 years old. I would like to take this opportunity to remind you that you are also 54 years old. As you know, I am a math teacher at our local college. I would like to inform you that while you read this, I will be at the Hotel Fiesta with Michael, one of my students, who is also the assistant tennis coach. He is young, virile, and like your secretary, is 18 years old. As a successful businessman who has an excellent knowledge of math, you will understand that we are in the same situation, although with one small difference - 18 goes into 54 a lot more times than 54 goes into 18. Therefore, I will not be home until sometime tomorrow.
Lawyers should never ask a Georgia grandma a question if they aren't prepared for the answer.
In a trial, a Southern small-town prosecuting attorney called his first witness, an elderly woman to the stand. He approached her and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?" She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you, Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were a boy, and frankly, you've been a big disappointment to me. You lie, you cheat on your wife, and you manipulate people and talk about them behind their backs. You think you're a big shot when you haven't the brains to realise you'll never amount to anything more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I know you." The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what else to do, he pointed across the room and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defence attorney?" She again replied, "Why yes, I do. I've known Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster, too. He's lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem. He can't build a normal relationship with anyone, and his law practice is one of the worst in the entire state. Not to mention he cheated on his wife with three different women. One of them was your wife. Yes, I know him." The defence attorney nearly had a heart attack. The judge asked both counsellors to approach the bench and, in a very quiet voice, said, "If either of you idiots asks her if she knows me, I'll send you both to the electric chair."
Jim was listening to the radio this morning when the host invited callers to reveal the nicknames they had for their wives. The best call was from a brave chap who called his wife, "Harvey Norman". The host asked him why that name? He replied, "Absolutely no interest for 36 months."
Urine Test for Old Men
My urologist’s office called the other day and explained that my scheduled appointment would now be done over the phone due to the corona virus. One hour before the scheduled teleconference, I was instructed (via email) to administer my own urine test This was to avoid those lab tests and costly co-pays that your doctor's tell you to get at Quest Diagnostics, and because they're shutdown too.
Directions:
Simply go outside and pee on the front lawn.
If ant's gather: DIABETES.
If you pee on your feet: PROSTATE.
If it smells like a barbecue: CHOLESTEROL.
If your wrist hurts when you shake it: OSTEOARTHRITIS.
If you return to your house with your penis outside your pants: ALZHEIMER'S
Anyone else with a cousin is invited to be a contributor for this page at [email protected]
John, who lived in the north of England, decided to go golfing in Scotland with his buddy, Shawn. They loaded up John's minivan and headed north After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. So they pulled into a nearby farm and asked the attractive lady who answered the door if they could spend the night. ‘I realize it's terrible weather out there and I have this huge house all to myself, but I'm recently widowed,' she explained, 'and I'm afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.' 'Don't worry,' John said. 'We'll be happy to sleep in the barn And if the weather breaks, we'll be gone at first light.' The lady agreed, and the two men found their way to the barn and settled in for the night. Come morning, the weather had cleared, and they got on their way. They enjoyed a great weekend of golf. But about nine months later, John got an unexpected letter from an attorney. It took him a few minutes to figure it out, but he finally determined that it was from the attorney of that attractive widow he had met on the golf weekend. He dropped in on his friend Shawn and asked, "Shawn, do you remember that good-looking widow from the farm we stayed at on our golf holiday in Scotland about 9 months ago?” ‘Yes, I do,' said Shawn. 'Did you, er, happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and pay her a visit?' 'Well, um, yes!,' Shawn said, a little embarrassed about being found out, 'I have to admit that I did.' 'And did you happen to give her my name instead of telling her your name?' Shawn's face turned beet red and he said, 'Yeah, look, I'm sorry, buddy I'm afraid I did. Why do you ask?' ‘She just died and left me everything.' (And you thought the ending would be different, didn't you?...
Back on January 9th, a group of HELLS ANGELS, South Carolina bikers were riding east on 378 when they saw a girl about to jump off the Pee Dee River Bridge. So they stopped. George, their leader, a big burly man of 53, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby . . . whatcha doin' up there on that railin'?" She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!" While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," George also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend" opportunity either so he asked . . . "Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe . . .why don't you give ol' George here your best last kiss?" So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that . . . and it was a long, deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one. After they breathlessly finished, George gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had! That's a real talent you're wasting there, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me. Why are you committing suicide?" "My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl." It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.
These are classified ads, which were actually placed in U.K. Newspapers:
fREE YORKSHIRE TERRIER. 8 years old, Hateful little bastard. Bites!
___________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES 1/2 Cocker Spaniel, 1/2 sneaky neighbor's dog.
________________________________________
FREE PUPPIES. Mother is a Kennel Club registered German Shepherd. Father is a Super Dog, able to leap tall fences in a single bound.
______________________________________________________
COWS, CALVES: NEVER BRED. Also 1 gay bull for sale.
________________________________________________________
JOINING NUDIST COLONY! Must sell washer and dryer £100.
____________________________________________________________
WEDDING DRESS FOR SALE . Worn once by mistake. Call Stephanie.
___________________________________________________________
And the WINNER is... FOR SALE BY OWNER. Complete set of Encyclopaedia Britannica, 45 volumes.
Excellent condition, £200 or best offer. No longer needed, got married, wife knows everything.
___________________________________________________________
Thought from the Greatest Living Scottish Thinker--Billy Connolly. "If women are so bloody perfect at multitasking, How come they can't have a headache and sex at the same time?"
I remember the corned beef of my Childhood,
And the bread that we cut with a knife,
When the Children helped with the housework,
And the men went to work not the wife.
The cheese never needed a fridge,
And the bread was so crusty and hot,
The Children were seldom unhappy,
And the Wife was content with her lot.
I remember the milk from the bottle,
With the yummy cream on the top,
Our dinner came hot from the oven,
And not from a freezer; or shop.
The kids were a lot more contented,
They didn't need money for kicks,
Just a game with their friends in the road,
And sometimes the Saturday flicks.
I remember the shop on the corner,
Where biscuits for pennies were sold
Do you think I'm a bit too nostalgic?
Or is it....I'm just getting Old?
Bathing was done in a wash tub,
With plenty of rich foamy suds
But the ironing seemed never ending
As Mum pressed everyone's 'duds'.
I remember the slap on my backside,
And the taste of soap if I swore
Anorexia and diets weren't heard of
And we hadn't much choice what we wore.
Do you think that bruised our ego?
Or our initiative was destroyed?
We ate what was put on the table
And I think life was better enjoyed.
Author, Unknown...
If you can remember those days...
Continue to enjoy your Retirement.
One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift. When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?' 'No,' she answered. I then said, 'Is that your final answer?' She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..' So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...
________________________________
I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first.
"I'll have the rump steak, rare, please." He said, "Aren't you worried about the mad cow?" "Nah, she can order for herself."
And that's when the fight started.....
_______________________________
My wife and I were sitting at a table at her high school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?" "Yes", she sighed, "He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since." "My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...
________________________________
When our lawn mower broke and wouldn't run, my wife kept hinting to me that I should get it fixed. But, somehow I always had something else to take care of first, the shed, the boat, making beer.. Always something more important to me. Finally she thought of a clever way to make her point. When I arrived home one day, I found her seated in the tall grass, busily snipping away with a tiny pair of sewing
scissors. I watched silently for a short time and then went into the house. I was gone only a minute, and when I came out again I handed her a toothbrush. I said, "When you finish cutting the grass, you might as well sweep the driveway."
The doctors say I will walk again, but I will always have a limp.
______________________________
My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, "What's on TV?" I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...
________________________________
Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible" My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started...
_______________________________
My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......
______________________________
After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security.
The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later. The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security application. When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said, 'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...
________________________________
My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.' I replied, "Your eyesight's damn near perfect."
And then the fight started........
________________________________
I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car, and he was a DWARF!! He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'
That's how the fight started.
The only way to pull off a lock-down afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities. He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation: 'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted. 'An ambulance just drove by!' 'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out. 'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off' 'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!' 'Jason has had his skate board taken off him After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!' Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed! Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?' 'Jimmy Cooper’s on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
An elderly man joins a very exclusive nudist colony... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around......... A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
An old physician, Dr Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500 - if not cured, I’ll pay you £1,000." Dr David Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know much about modern medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is petrol!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days to try to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I really can't remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is petrol again!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500." Dr. Young (having now lost £1000) leaves angrily and plans his revenge after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become very weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I’m afraid I don't have any cure for that so here's your £1000 back" (giving him a £10 note). Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £500!" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
Trump was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo. Suddenly, a donkey jumped out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car came to a stop. Trump said to the chauffeur: '’You get out and check, you were driving.’’ The chauffeur got out, checked and reported that the animal was dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," said Trump. Hours later, the chauffeur returned totally plastered, hair ruffled, and with a big grin on his face. "My god, what happened to you?" asked Trump. The chauffeur replied: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal, and the daughter took me upstairs to her bedroom and made love to me." "What on earth did you say to them?" asked Trump.
"I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.'
Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales,I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the life out of the lot of ya!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "A couple of minutes ago."
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be? " The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
The only way to pull off a lock-down afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper’s on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
An elderly man joins a very exclusive nudist colony... On his first day there, he takes off his clothes and starts to wander around......... A gorgeous petite blonde walks by, and the man immediately gets an erection. The woman notices his erection, comes over to him and says, 'Did you call for me?' The man replies, 'No, what do you mean?' She says, 'You must be new here. Let me explain. It's a rule here that if you get an erection, it implies you called for me.' Smiling, she leads him to the side of the swimming pool, lies down on a towel, eagerly pulls him to her and happily lets him have his way with her. The man continues to explore the colony's facilities. He enters the sauna and, as he sits down, he farts.
Within minutes, a huge, hairy man lumbers out of the steam-room toward him, 'Did you call for me?' says the hairy man.
'No, what do you mean?' says the newcomer. 'You must be new,' says the hairy man, 'it's a rule that if you fart, it implies that you called for me.' The huge man easily spins him around, bends him over a bench and has his way with him.
The newcomer staggers back to the colony office, where he is greeted by the smiling, naked receptionist, 'May I help you?' she says. The man yells, 'Here's my membership card. You can have the key back and you can keep the $500 membership fee.' 'But, Sir,' she replies, 'you've only been here for a few hours. You haven't had the chance to see all our facilities.' The man replies, 'Listen lady, I'm 70 years old. I only get an erection once a month. I fart 35 times a day!!'
An old physician, Dr Gordon Geezer, became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open a medical clinic. He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's clinic. Get your treatment for £500 - if not cured, I’ll pay you £1,000." Dr David Young, who was positive that this old geezer didn't know much about modern medicine, thought this would be a great opportunity to get £1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic. Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?" Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth." Dr. Young: "Aaagh! -- This is petrol!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be £500." Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days to try to recover his money. Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I really can't remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth." Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't - that is petrol again!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be £500." Dr. Young (having now lost £1000) leaves angrily and plans his revenge after several more days. Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become very weak --- I can hardly see anything!" Dr. Geezer: "Well, I’m afraid I don't have any cure for that so here's your £1000 back" (giving him a £10 note). Dr. Young: "But this is only £10!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your vision back! That will be £500!" *Moral of story* -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer" *Remember:* Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
Trump was touring the countryside in his chauffeur-driven limo. Suddenly, a donkey jumped out onto the road, and they hit it full on and the car came to a stop. Trump said to the chauffeur: '’You get out and check, you were driving.’’ The chauffeur got out, checked and reported that the animal was dead. "You were driving; go and tell the farmer," said Trump. Hours later, the chauffeur returned totally plastered, hair ruffled, and with a big grin on his face. "My god, what happened to you?" asked Trump. The chauffeur replied: "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of whiskey, the wife gave me a slap-up meal, and the daughter took me upstairs to her bedroom and made love to me." "What on earth did you say to them?" asked Trump.
"I knocked on the door, and when it was answered, I said to them, 'I'm Trump's chauffeur and I've just killed the jackass.'
Andrew the drover from a huge cattle station in the Australian outback appeared before St. Peter at the Pearly Gates.
Have you ever done anything of particular merit?" St. Peter asked. Well, I can think of one thing," the drover offered.
"Once, on a trip to the back blocks of Broken Hill out in New South Wales,I came across a gang of bikers who were threatening a young sheila. I told them to leave her alone, but they wouldn't listen.So I approached the largest and most heavily tattooed biker and smacked him in the face, kicked his bike over, ripped out his nose ring, and threw it on the ground. I yelled, "Now, back off!! Or I'll kick the life out of the lot of ya!" St. Peter was impressed, "When did this happen?" "A couple of minutes ago."
A teacher asked her class, "What do you want out of life?" A little girl in the back row raised her hand and said, "All I want out of life is four little animals, just like my Mom always says". The teacher asked, "Really and what four little animals would that be? " The little girl said, "A mink on my back, a jaguar in the garage, a tiger in the bed and a jackass to pay for all of it."
The teacher got a coughing fit and had to leave the room.
The only way to pull off a lock-down afternoon 'quickie' with their 8-year old son in the apartment was to send him out on the balcony with a Mars Bar and tell him to report on all the street activities.
He began his commentary as his parents put their plan into operation:
'There's a car being towed from the car park,' he shouted.
'An ambulance just drove by!'
'Looks like the Andersons have company,' he called out.
'Matt's out on his bike and his mum is telling him off'
'Looks as if the Sanders are going into full isolation!'
'Jason has had his skate board taken off him
After a few moments he announced, 'The Coopers are shagging!!'
Startled, his mum and dad shot up in bed!
Dad cautiously called out, 'How do you know that?'
'Jimmy Cooper’s on his balcony with a Mars Bar'.
As we Silver Surfers know, sometimes we have trouble with our computers. I had a problem yesterday, so I called Eric, the 11 year old next door, whose bedroom looks like Mission Control and asked him to come over. Eric clicked a couple of buttons and solved the problem. As he was walking away, I called after him, 'So, what was wrong? He replied, 'It was an ID ten T error.' I didn't want to appear stupid, but nonetheless inquired, 'An, ID ten T error? What's that? In case I need to fix it again.' Eric grinned.... 'Haven't you ever heard of an ID ten T error before? 'No,' I replied. 'Write it down,' he said, 'and I think you'll figure it out.' So I wrote down: ID10T I used to like Eric, the little bum. The frequency of sexual activity of older men depends on where they were born.Statistics just released from Statistics Canada, World Health Organization and The United Nations B.O.H. Team, reveal that:North American, Australian, South African, New Zealand and British men between60 and 80 years of age will, on average, have sex two to three times per week, whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to a lot of us at the Golf Club as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese! Four guys have been going to the same golfing trip to St Andrews for many years.. Two days before the group is to leave, Jack's wife puts her foot down and tells him he isn't going. Jack's mates are very upset that he can't go, but what can they do. Two days later, the three get to St Andrews only to find Jack sitting at the bar with four drinks set up! "Wow, Jack, how long you been here, and how did you talk your misses into letting you go?" "Well, I've been here since last night.. Yesterday evening, I was sitting in my living room chair and my wife came up behind me and put her hands over my eyes and asked, 'Guess who?' I pulled her hands off, and there she was, wearing a nightie. She took my hand and pulled me into our bedroom. The room had candles and rose petals all over. Well she's been reading ‘50 Shades of Grey’...... On the bed she had handcuffs, and ropes! She told me to tie her up and cuff her to the bed, so I did. And then she said, "Do whatever you want."! So--- Here I am A Queenslander is drinking in a West Australian Pub when he gets a call on his mobile phone and as he listens to the call he starts grinning from ear to ear. Once he disconnects he shouts to the barman that he wants to buy everyone in the bar a drink. The barman starts serving the drinks and the people start to crowd around, keen to know what they are celebrating."Well," he announces, "My wife's just produced a typical Queensland baby boy weighing 25 pounds". Nobody can believe that any baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the Queenslander just shrugs, "That's about average in Queensland. Like I said, my boy is a typical Queensland boy." Congratulations showered him from all around and many exclamations of "STREWTH" were heard. One woman even fainted due to sympathy pains. Two weeks later the Queenslander returns to the bar. The barman says "You're the father of that typical Queensland baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth aren't you? Everybody's been having bets about how big he'd be in 2 weeks, we were going to call you. So - how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers: "17 pounds."The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He weighed 25 pounds the day he was born!" The Queensland father takes a l-o-n-g s-l-o-w swig from his XXXX Gold beer, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans onto the bar and proudly says, "Had him circumcised!" Sally Mulligan of Paddington NSW decided to take one of the jobs that most Australians are not willing to do. Sally applied for a job in a lemon grove and seemed to be far too qualified for the job. She has a liberal arts degree from the University of Adelaide and had worked as a social worker and a school teacher. The foreman frowned and said, "I have to ask you; have you had any actual experience in picking lemons ??" "Well, as a matter of fact, I have," she said. "I've been divorced three times, owned two Jeeps, voted once for Clive Palmer.” She starts in the morning. A policeman was rushed to the hospital with an inflamed appendix.. The doctors operated and advised him that all was well, however, the policeman kept feeling something pulling at the hairs in his crotch.Worried that it might be a second surgery and the doctors hadn't told him about it, he finally got enough energy to pull his hospital gown up enough so he could look at what was making him so uncomfortable.Taped firmly across his pubic hair and private parts were three wide strips of adhesive tape, the kind that doesn't come off easily --- if at all.Written on the tape in large black letters was the sentence,"Get well soon, from the nurse in the Ford Focus you gave a speeding ticket to last week. Kind of brings tears to your eyes doesn't it? For all those who thought we swear when we say ''shit''...........think again! Feel free to yell it out!!!! Manure : In the 16th and 17th centuries, everything for export had to be transported by ship. It was also before the invention of commercial fertilizers, so large shipments of manure were quite common. It was shipped dry, because in dry form it weighed a lot less than when wet, but once water (at sea) hit it, not only did it become heavier, but the process of fermentation began again, of which a by-product is methane gas. As the stuff was stored below decks in bundles you can see what could (and did) happen. Methane began to build up below decks and the first time someone came below at night with a lantern, BOOOOM! Several ships were destroyed in this manner before it was determined just what was happening After that, the bundles of manure were always stamped with the instruction ' Stow high in transit ' on them, which meant for the sailors to stow it high enough off the lower decks so that any water that came into the hold would not touch this "volatile" cargo and start the production of methane. Thus evolved the term ' S.H.I.T ' , (Stow High In Transit) ,............. “So it’s really not a swear word” which has come down through the centuries and is in use to this very day. You probably did not know the true history of this word. Neither did I I had always thought it was a golfing term. |
|
After my recent Prostate Exam, which was one of the most thorough examinations I've ever had, the Doctor left the room and the nurse came in. As she shut the door, she asked me a question I didn't want to hear ....
She said...."Who was that guy?"
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100." The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.
They return and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?" The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
The wisdom of the Oirish!!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said , "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath Beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "D o you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard.."
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going...
The driver won £52.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
-----------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End
She said...."Who was that guy?"
Donald Trump goes on a fact-finding visit to Israel. While on a tour of Jerusalem he suffers a heart attack and dies. The undertaker tells the American diplomats accompanying him, "You can have him shipped home for $50,000, or you can bury him here, in the Holy Land, for just $100." The American diplomats go into a corner to discuss for a few minutes.
They return and tell him they want Donald Trump shipped home. The undertaker is puzzled and asks, "Why would you spend $50,000 to ship him home when it would be wonderful to be buried here and you would spend only $100?" The American diplomats reply, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. We just can't take the risk."
Three women are in a gym locker room dressing up to play racquetball. Suddenly, a guy runs through the room wearing
nothing but a bag over his head and passes the three women. As he passes the first woman, she looks down at his penis.
"He's not my husband," she says. He passes by the second woman, who also looks down at his penis. "He's not my husband either," she says, also not recognizing the unit. He passes by the third woman, who takes a good long look as he runs by her. "Wait a minute," she says. "He's not even a member of this club."
Trump has a heart attack and dies. He goes to Hell where the Devil is waiting for him. I don't know what to do," says the Devil. "You're on my list but I have no room for you. But you definitely have to stay here, so I'll tell you what I'm going to do. I've got three people here who weren't quite as bad as you. I'll let one of them go, but you have to take their place. I'll even let YOU decide who leaves."Trump thought that sounded pretty good so he agreed. The devil opened the first room. In it was Richard Nixon and a large pool of water. He kept diving in and surfacing empty handed over and over and over, such was his fate in Hell. "No!" Trump said. "I don't think so. I'm not a good swimmer and I don't think I could do that all day long." The Devil led him to the next room. In it was Tony Blair with a sledgehammer and a room full of rocks. All he did was swing that hammer, time after time after time. "No! I've got this problem with my shoulder. I would be in constant agony if all I could do was break rocks all day!" commented Trump. The Devil opened a third door. In it, Trump saw Bill Clinton lying naked on the floor with his arms staked over his head and his legs staked in spread-eagle pose. Bent over him was Monica Lewinsky, doing what she does best.
Trump looked at this in disbelief for a while and finally said, "Yeah, I can handle this." The Devil smiled and said, "Monica, you're free to go!"
The wisdom of the Oirish!!!
A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane.
Paddy ordered a whisky.
The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He replied in disgust "I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!"
Paddy handed his drink back and said , "Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy calls Easy jet to book a flight. The operator asks "How many people are flying with you?"
Paddy replies "I don't know! It's your bloody plane!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy and Murphy are working on a building site. Paddy says to Murphy "I'm gonna have the day off. I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!" He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down and shouts "I'M A LIGHT BULB! I'M A LIGHT BULB!" Murphy watches in amazement! The Foreman shouts "Paddy you're mad, go home" So he leaves the site. Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well. "Where the hell are you going?" asks the Foreman. "I can't work in the friggin' dark!" says Murphy.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.
After 3 hours of amazing sex, Paddy says "I wonder how the girls are getting on."
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses, lies on the bed spread-eagled and says "You know what I want, don't you?" "Yeah," says Paddy. "The whole bed by the looks of it!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman whose head was found on Arbroath Beach was asked to identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said "I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!"
Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
"Be Jeysus!" he said, "I didn't even know they had mobile phones!"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- -------
Bloke at a horse race whispers to Paddy next to him, "D o you want the winner of the next race?"
Paddy replies "No tanks, oi've only got a small yard.."
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy and Mick found 3 hand grenades and decided to take them to the police station.
Mick "What if one explodes before we get there?"
Paddy: "We'll lie and say we only found two!
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
A coach load of paddies on a mystery tour decided to run a sweepstake to guess where they were going...
The driver won £52.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy finds a sandwich with two wires stickin out of it.
He phones the police and says "Bejasus I've just found a sandwich dat looks like a bomb."
The operator asks, "is it tickin?
Paddy says "No, oi tink it's beef"
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Joe says to Paddy: "Close your curtains the next time you're making love to your wife.
The whole street was watching and laughing at you yesterday."
Paddy says: "Well the joke's on them because I wasn't even at home yesterday.
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
The Irish have solved their own fuel problems.
They imported 50 million tonnes of sand from the Arabs and they're going to drill for their own oil...
------------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy says to Mick - I'm ready for a holiday, only this year I'm going to do it a bit different.
3 years ago I went to Spain and Mary got pregnant.
2 years ago I went to Italy and Mary got pregnant.
Last year I went to Majorca and Mary got pregnant."
Mick asks - So what are you going to do this year?."
Paddy replies, - I'll take her with me!"
-----------oOOo-(_)-oOOo----- ------
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on a Friday this year"
Mick says "Let's hope it's not the 13th."
A WOMAN'S POEM:
Before I lay me down to sleep,
I pray for a man, who's not a creep,
One who's handsome, smart and strong.
One who loves to listen long,
One who thinks before he speaks,
One who'll call, not wait for weeks.
I pray he's gainfully employed,
When I spend his cash, won't be annoyed.
Pulls out my chair and opens my door.
Massages my back and begs to do more.
Oh! Send me a man who'll make love to my mind,
Knows what to answer to 'how big is my behind?'
I pray that this man will love me to no end,
And always be my very best friend.
A MAN'S POEM:
I pray for a deaf-mute gymnast nymphomaniac with
huge boobs who owns a bar on a golf course,
and loves to send me fishing and drinking. This
doesn't rhyme and I don't give a shit.
The End
.A pirate walked into a bar, and the bartender said, "Hey, I haven't seen you in a while. What happened? You look terrible." "What do you mean?" said the pirate, "I feel fine." "What about the wooden leg? You didn't have that before." "Well," said the pirate, "We were in a battle, and I got hit with a cannon-ball, but I'm fine now." The bartender replied, "Well, OK, but what about that hook? What happened to your hand?" The pirate explained, "We were in another battle. I boarded a ship and got into a sword fight. My hand was cut off. I got fitted with a hook but I'm fine, really." "What about that eye patch?" "Oh," said the pirate, "One day we were at sea, and a flock of birds flew over. I looked up, and one of them pooped in my eye." "You're kidding," said the bartender. "You couldn't lose an eye just from bird poo." "It was my first day with the hook."
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped golfing.
Saturday morning I got up early, dressed quietly, made my lunch, grabbed my clubs, slipped quietly into the garage and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind was blowing 50 kph. I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad throughout the day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. There I cuddled up to my wife's back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, 'The weather out there is terrible.' My loving wife of 20 years replied, 'Can you believe my stupid husband is out golfing in that crap?' I still don't know to this day if she was joking, but I have stopped golfing.
A Polish man moved to the USA and married an American girl. Although his English was far from perfect, they got along very well. One day he rushed into a lawyer's office and asked him if he could arrange a divorce for him. The lawyer said that getting a divorce would depend on the circumstances, and asked him the following questions: Have you any grounds? Yes, an acre and half and nice little home. No, I mean what is the foundation of this case? It made of concrete. I don't think you understand. Does either of you have a real grudge? No, we have carport, and not need one. I mean what are your relations like? All my relations still in Poland . Is there any infidelity in your marriage? We have hi-fidelity stereo and good DVD player. Does your wife beat you up? No, I always up before her. Is your wife a nagger? No, she white. Why do you want this divorce? She going to kill me. What makes you think that? I got proof. What kind of proof? She going to poison me. She buy a bottle at drugstore and put on shelf in bathroom. I can read, and it say: ~~~Polish Remover~~~
“Paddy, how did you get on at the Faith Healer Meeting last night?”
“Mick, he was absolute shite. Even the fella in the Wheelchair got up and walked out”.
Four old retired guys are walking down a street in Yuma, Arizona. They turn a corner and see a sign that says, "Old Timers Bar - ALL drinks 10 cents." They look at each other, and then go in, thinking, This is too good to be true. The old bartender says in a voice that carries across the room, "Come on in and let me pour one for you! What'll It be, gentlemen?" There's a fully stocked bar, so each of the men orders a martini. In no time the bartender serves up four iced Martinis - shaken, not stirred - and says, "That'll be 10 cents each, please." The four guys stare at the bartender for a moment, then at each other. They can't believe their good luck. They pay the 40 cents, finish their martinis, and order another round. Again, four excellent martinis are produced, with the bartender again saying, "That's 40 cents, please." They pay the 40 cents, but their curiosity gets the better of them. They've each had two martinis and haven't even spent a dollar yet. Finally one of them says, "How can you afford to serve martinis as good as these for a dime apiece?" "I'm a retired tailor from Phoenix ," the bartender says, "and I always wanted to own a bar. Last year I hit the Lottery jackpot for $125 million and decided to open this place. Every drink costs a dime. Wine, liquor, beer - it's All the same" "Wow! That's some story!" one of the men says. As the four of them sip at their martinis, they can't help noticing seven other people at the end of the bar who don't have any drinks in front of them and haven't ordered anything the whole time they've been there. Nodding at the seven at the end of the bar, one of the men asks the bartender, "What's with them?" The bartender says, "They're retirees from Australia. They're waiting for Happy Hour when drinks are half-price."
On the farm lived a chicken and a horse, both of whom loved to play together. One day the two were playing, when the horse fell into a bog and began to sink. Scared for his life, the horse whinnied for the chicken to go get the farmer for help! Off the chicken ran, back to the farm. Arriving at the farm, he searched and searched for the farmer, but to no avail, for he had gone to town with the only tractor. Running around, the chicken spied the farmer's new Harley. Finding the keys in the ignition, the chicken sped off with a length of rope hoping he still had time to save his friend's life. Back at the bog, the horse was surprised, but happy, to see the chicken arrive on the shiny Harley, and he managed to get a hold of the loop of rope the chicken tossed
to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'hangy-down' thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life........The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
to him. After tying the other end to the rear bumper of the farmer's bike, the chicken then drove slowly forward and, with the aid of the powerful bike, rescued the horse! Happy and proud, the chicken rode the Harley back to the farmhouse, and the farmer was none the wiser when he returned. The friendship between the two animals was cemented: Best Buddies, Best Pals.A few weeks later, the chicken fell into a mud pit, and soon, he too, began to sink and cried out to the horse to save his life! The horse thought a moment, walked over, and straddled the large puddle. Looking underneath, he told the chicken to grab his 'hangy-down' thing and he would then lift him out of the pit. The chicken got a good grip, and the horse pulled him up and out, saving his life........The moral of the story? (yep, you betcha, there IS a moral!)
"When You're Hung Like A Horse, You Don't Need A Harley To Pick Up Chicks"
A bartender is sitting behind the bar on a typical day, when the door bursts open and in come four exuberant blondes. They come up to the bar, order five bottles of champagne and ten glasses, take their order over and sit down at a large table. The corks are popped, the glasses are filled and they begin toasting and chanting, "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Soon, three more blondes arrive, take up their drinks and the chanting grows. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Two more blondes show up and soon their voices are joined in raising the roof. "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" Finally, the tenth blonde comes in with a picture under her arm. She walks over to the table, sets the picture in the middle and the table erupts. Up jumps the others, they begin dancing around the table, exchanging high-fives, all the while chanting "51 days, 51 days, 51 days!" The bartender can't contain his curiosity any longer, so he walks over to the! table. There in the center is a beautifully framed children's jigsaw puzzle. When the frenzy dies down a little bit, the bartender asks one of the blondes, "What's all the chanting and celebration about?" The blonde who brought in the picture explains, "Everyone thinks that blondes are dumb and they make fun of us. So, we decided to set the record straight. Ten of us got together, bought that puzzle and put it together. "The side of the box said 2 to 4 years, but we put it together in 51 days!"
A man and a woman were having a quiet, romantic dinner in a fine restaurant. They were gazing lovingly at each other and holding hands. The waitress, taking another order at a table a few steps away, suddenly noticed the woman slowly sliding down her chair, under the table and under the table cloth - but the man stared straight ahead. The waitress watched as the woman slid all the way down her chair and totally out of sight under the tablecloth. Still, the man stared straight ahead. The waitress, thinking this behaviour a bit risqué and worried that it might offend other diners, went over to the table and, tactfully, began by saying to the man:
"Pardon me sir, but I think your wife just slid under the table." The man calmly looked up at her and said -
"No, she didn't……………....................….........She just walked in."
In My Hand I Hold A Ball,
White And Dimpled, And Rather Small.
Oh, How Bland It Does Appear,
This Harmless Looking Little Sphere
By Its Size I Could Not Guess
The Awesome Strength It Does Possess.
But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell,
I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell.
My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same
Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game.
It Rules My Mind For Hours On End;
A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry,
And Hate Myself And Want To Die.
It Promises Me A Thing Called Par,
If I Hit It Straight And Far.
To Master Such A Tiny Ball,
Should Not Be Very Hard At All.
But My Desires The Ball Refuses,
And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies,
And Disappears Before My Eyes.
Often It Will Have A Whim,
To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim.
With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land,
It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand.
Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul,
If Only It Would Find The Hole.
It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup,
And Swear That I Will Give It Up.
And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow,
But The Ball Knows I'll Be Back Tomorrow.
A recent study found that the average golfer walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that golfers drink, on average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon.
Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you feel like a hybrid
A father, son and grandson went to the country club for their weekly round of golf. Just as they reached the first tee, a beautiful young blonde woman carrying her bag of clubs approached them. She explained that the member who brought her to the club for a round of golf had an emergency that called him away and asked the trio whether she could join them. Naturally, the guys all agreed. Smiling, the blonde thanked them and said, "Look, fellows, I work in a topless bar as a dancer, so nothing shocks me anymore. If any of you want to smoke cigars, have a beer, bet, swear, tell off-color stories or do anything that you normally do when playing a round together, go ahead. But, I enjoy playing golf, consider myself pretty good at it, so don't try to coach me on how to play my shots." With that the guys agreed to relax and invited her to drive first. All eyes were fastened on her shapely behind as she bent to place her ball on the tee. She then took her driver and hit the ball 270 yards down the middle, right in front of the green. The father's mouth was agape. "That was beautiful," he said. The blonde put her driver away and said, "I really didn't get into it, and I faded it a little." After the three guys hit their drives and their second shots, the blonde took out an eight iron and lofted the ball within five feet of the hole. (She was closest to the pin.) The son said, "Damn, lady, you played that perfectly." The blonde frowned and said, "It was a little weak, but even an easy seven would have been too much club. I've left a tricky little putt." She then tapped in the five-footer for a birdie. Having the honors, she drove first on the second hole, knocked the heck out of the ball, and it landed nearly 300 yards away smack in the middle of the fairway. For the rest of the round the statuesque blonde continued to amaze the guys, quietly and methodically shooting for par or less on every hole. When they arrived at the 18th green, the blonde was three under par, and had a very nasty 12-foot putt on an undulating green for a par. She turned to the three guys and said, "I really want to thank you all for not acting like a bunch of chauvinists and telling me what club to use or how to play a shot, but I need this putt for a 69 and I'd really like to break 70 on this course. If any one of you can tell me how to make par on this hole I'll take him back to my apartment, pour some 35-year-old Single Malt Scotch Mill Scotch in him, fix him a steak dinner and then show him a very good time the rest of the night." The yuppie son jumped at the thought! He strolled across the green, carefully eyeing the line of the putt and finally said, "Honey, aim about 6 inches to the right of the hole and hit it firm. It will get over that little hump and break right into the cup." The father knelt down and sighted the putt using his putter as a plumb. "Don't listen to the kid, darling', you want to hit it softly 10 inches to the right and let it run left down that little hogback, so it falls into the cup." The old gray-haired grandfather walked over to the blonde's ball, picked it up and handed it to her and said, "That's a gimme, sweetheart." The blonde smiled and said, "Your car or mine?" Remember…old age and treachery will overcome youth and skill every time!
"Doc," says Steve, "I want to be castrated." "What on earth for?" asks the doctor in amazement. "It's something I've been thinking about for a long time and I want to have it done" replies Steve. "But have you thought it through properly?" asks the doctor, "It's a very serious operation and once it's done, there's no going back. It will change your life forever!" "I'm aware of that and you're not going to change my mind -- either you book me in to be castrated or I'll simply go to another doctor." "Well, OK.", says the doctor, "But it's against my better judgment!" So Steve has his operation, and the next day he is up and walking very slowly, legs apart, down the hospital corridor with his drip stand. Heading towards him is another patient, who is walking exactly the same way. "Hi there," says Steve,"It looks as if you've just had the same operation as me." "Well," said the patien! t, "I finally decided after 37 years of life that I would like to be circumcised."
Steve stared at him in horror and screamed, "Shit! THAT'S the word!
Queensland farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favourite bar, drinking beer. Jim turns to Bob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college, and sign up for some classes." Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave. The next day, Jim goes down to the college and meets Dean of Admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: Maths, English, history, and Logic. "Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?" The dean says, "I'll give you an example. Do you own a whipper snipper?" "Yeah." "Then logically speaking, because you own a whipper snipper, I think that you would have a yard." "That's true, I do have a yard." "I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house." "Yes, I do have a house." "And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family." "Yes, I have a family." "I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife And because you have a wife, then logic tells me you must be a heterosexual." "I am a heterosexual. That's amazing, you were able to find out all of that because I have a whipper snipper." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the Dean's hand and leaves to go meet Bob at the bar. He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for Maths, English, History, and Logic. "Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?" Jim says, "I'll give you an example. Do you have a whipper snipper?" "No." "Then you're a poofter."
After being married for 48 years, a wife asked her husband to describe her. He looked at her for a while, then said, "you're an alphabet wife... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K." She asks, "what the hell does that mean?" He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot". She smiled happily and said, "oh that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"> He said, "I'm Just Kidding!" The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
A police officer, though scheduled for all-night duty at the station, was relieved of duty early and arrived home four hours ahead of schedule, at 2 AM. Not wanting to wake his wife, he undressed in the dark, crept into the bedroom and started to climb into bed. She sleepily sat up and said, "Mike, dearest, would you go down to the all-night drug store on the next block and get me some aspirin? I've got a splitting headache." "Certainly, honey," he said, and feeling his way across the room, he got dressed and walked over to the drug store. As he arrived, the pharmacist looked up in surprise, "Say," said the druggist, "aren't you Officer Fenwick of the 8th District?" "Yes, I am," said the officer.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
"Well, then, what in the world are you doing in the Fire Chief's uniform?"
A man with a completely bald head and only one leg is invited to a Xmas fancy dress party. He doesn't know what to wear to hide his head and his wooden leg, so he writes to a fancy dress company to explain his problem. A few days later he receives a parcel with a note:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a Pirate's outfit. The spotted handkerchief will cover your bald head and with your wooden leg you will be just right as a Pirate. The man is offended that the outfit emphasizes his disability, so he writes a letter of complaint. A week passes and he receives another parcel and note
Dear Sir,
Sorry about the previous parcel. Please find enclosed a monk's habit. The long robe will cover your wooden leg and with your bald head you will really look the part. The man is really incandescent with rage now, because the company has gone from emphasizing his wooden leg to drawing attention to his bald head. So he writes a really strong letter of complaint. A few days later he gets a very small parcel from the company with the accompanying letter:
Dear Sir,
Please find enclosed a tin of Golden Syrup. We suggest you pour the tin of Golden Syrup over your bald head, let it harden, then stick your wooden leg up your arse and go as a toffee apple.
A psychiatrist was conducting a Group Therapy Session with five young mothers and their small children. "You all have obsessions," he stated. "I am concerned that these individual obsessions are going to impact your children." To the first mother, he said: "Mary, you are obsessed with eating.You've even named your daughter Candy." He turned to the second Mum: "Ann, your obsession is with money. It manifests itself in your children's names of Penny, Goldie and Frank. He turned to the third Mum, "Joyce: Your obsession is alcohol. This too shows itself in your children's names: of Brandy and Sherry. You have even called your cat: Whisky." He then turned to the fourth Mum: "June: Your obsession is with flowers. Your girls are called Rose, Daphne, and Poppy." At this point, the fifth mother, Kathy, quietly got up from her seat, took her little boy by the hand and whispered: "Come on Dick, this guy has no idea what he's talking about, grab Fanny and Willy, we're leaving...
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, o nly this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Well I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again. Luther asks Billy Bob, "so, what you gonna do this year that's different?" I'm taking Earlene with me."
Billy Bob and Luther were talking one afternoon when Billy Bob tells Luther, "Yaw know, I reckon I'm 'bout ready for a vacation, o nly this year I'm gonna do it different. The last few years, I took your advice about where to go. Three years ago you said to go to Hawaii. Well I went to Hawaii and Earlene got pregnant. Then two years ago, you told me to go to the Bahamas, and Earlene got pregnant again. Last year you suggested Tahiti and darned if Earlene didn't get pregnant again. Luther asks Billy Bob, "so, what you gonna do this year that's different?" I'm taking Earlene with me."
THE PRICE OF HONESTY: MAN KILLED ON GOLF COURSE?
A FOURSOME OF GUYS IS WAITING AT THE MEN'S TEE WHILE A FOURSOME OF WOMEN IS HITTING FROM THE LADIES' TEE. WHEN THE FINAL LADY IS READY TO HIT HER BALL, SHE DUFFS IT 10 FEET. THEN SHE GOES OVER AND MISSES IT COMPLETELY. THEN SHE HACKS IT ANOTHER TEN FEET AND FINALLY HACKS IT ANOTHER FIVE FEET.SHE LOOKS UP AT THE PATIENTLY WAITING MEN AND SAYS APOLOGETICALLY:"I GUESS ALL THOSE F---ING LESSONS I TOOK OVER THE WINTER DIDN'T HELP."ONE OF THE MEN IMMEDIATELY RESPONDS:"WELL, THERE YOU HAVE IT. YOU SHOULD HAVE TAKEN GOLF LESSONS INSTEAD!" HE NEVER EVEN HAD A CHANCE TO DUCK. HE WAS ONLY 43 .
Two cowboys come upon an Indian lying on his stomach with his ear to the ground. One of the cowboys stops and says to the other, "You see that Indian?" "Yeah," says the other cowboy. Look," says the first one, "he's listening to the ground. He can hear things for miles in any direction." Just then the Indian looks up. "Covered wagon," he says, "about two miles away. Have two horses, one brown, one white. Man, woman, child, household effects in wagon." "Incredible!" says the cowboy to his friend. "This Indian knows how far away they are, how many horses, what color they are, who is in the wagon, and what is in the wagon. Amazing!" The Indian looks up and says, "Ran over me about a half hour ago."
The Navy intercepted a boatload of people off the coast of Cape York today. This placed the Navy in an awkward position, as the boat was not heading to Australia , but towards Asia. Another surprise finding was the people were white Aussie seniors of pensionable age. Their claim was that they were trying to get to Asia because they wanted to return to OZ as illegal immigrants. Then they would be entitled to far more benefits than they were receiving as legitimate Australian pensioners. It is believed the Navy gave them food, water and fuel and assisted them on their journey. We are booking on the next boat out. Let me know if you want to join us.
One Sunday a pastor asked his congregation to consider giving a little extra in the offering plate. He said that whoever gave the most would be able to pick out three hymns. After the offering plates were passed, the pastor glanced down and noticed that someone had contributed a $1,000 bill. He was so excited that he immediately shared his joy with his congregation, and said he'd like to personally thank the person who had placed the money in the plate. A very quiet, elderly, saintly widow shyly raised her hand. The pastor asked her to come to the front. Slowly she made her way to the pastor. He told her how wonderful it was that she gave so much and asked her to pick out three hymns. Her eyes brightened as she looked over the congregation, pointed to the three handsomest men in the building and said, "I'll take him and him and him."
The Texas Midget’s testicles were hurting and ached almost all the time. So the midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough. "Aha!" mumbled the doc. Then he put his finger under the right side and asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more. He reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?” The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?” The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!"
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will go to China, Vietnam or Sri Lanka .. * If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India,Taiwan or China ...* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in Australia by:
1) Spending it at garage sales, or
2) Going to footy games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)
Conclusion:
Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
I pointed to two “old farts” across the bar from us and told my friend Herbie..... "That'll be us in ten years." He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb shit."
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket....so the officer presses him for a last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree and license, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. Even kill me, but please untie the rope and free her.’ Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’ Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.'
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you? Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales. The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published.But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?! You've got to be joking!!” He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible. “I want summat simple,” he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky.” “Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. “Nay, lass,” he said, “she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-DA like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say:"Gladys Braithwaite died." “You must say when she died,” insisted the lady in the office. “Do I? OK, well, let's just put Died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do.” “OK," said the newspaper lady, "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.” The husband considered for a moment. “Well," he said, "just include Sadly missed. That'll do.” “For the minimum price, you can have another four words included,” the woman explained.“No, no,” the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that." “You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.” “Are they? You mean ... I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?” “Yes, indeed, Mr Ramsbottom.” “Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em.” The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post. Gladys Braithwaite died 17th January 2016 Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria), Coopers (South Australia) and Swan Brewery (Western Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch. When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New." The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers replied, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers." The bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet." The bloke from Swan asked for a Swan Lager.. The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke." The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head. "Well, he said with a shrug, if you bastards aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold SES cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher. Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked past a free sample of a chip and some dip. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog s..t!' Then I would say, 'It is dog shit, do you wanna buy a toothbrush?' "I used the Sc Mo method of 'giving' you some crap by first dressing it up so it looks good and telling you it's free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth." Little Johnny got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his little heart.
A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was£2000.00 a year!When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00".
I often do find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
The Texas Midget’s testicles were hurting and ached almost all the time. So the midget went to the doctor and told him about his problem. The doctor told him to drop his pants and he would have a look. The midget dropped his pants. The doctor stood him up onto the examining table and started to examine him. The doc put one finger under his left testicle and told the midget to turn his head and cough. "Aha!" mumbled the doc. Then he put his finger under the right side and asked the midget to cough again. "Aha!" said the doctor once more. He reached for his surgical scissors. Snip-snip-snip-snip on the right side. Then snip-snip-snip-snip on the left side. The midget was so scared he was afraid to look, but noted with amazement that the snipping did not hurt. The doctor then told the midget to walk around the examining room to see if his testicles still hurt. The midget was absolutely delighted as he walked around and discovered his boys were no longer aching. The doctor said, "How does that feel now?” The midget replied, "Perfect Doc, and I didn't even feel it. What did you do?” The doctor replied, "I cut two inches off the top of your cowboy boots!"
A man was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw a man eating grass by the roadside. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked the man. "I don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, please come to my house!" "But sir, I have a wife and four children..." Bring them along!" the rich man said. They all climbed into the limo. Once underway, the poor fellow said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us in." The rich man replied, "No, you don't understand. The grass at my house is over three feet tall!"
Sometime this year, we taxpayers may again receive another 'Economic Stimulus' payment. This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it by using a Q & A format:
Q. What is an 'Economic Stimulus' payment ? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money ? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a High-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Australian Economy by spending your stimulus cheque wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at K-Mart, Big W , Target or the host of $2 shops we have, the money will go to China, Vietnam or Sri Lanka .. * If you spend it on petrol, your money will go to the Arabs. * If you purchase a computer, it will go to India,Taiwan or China ...* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to China, India, Peru.....* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea . * If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan . * If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore. Instead, keep the money in Australia by:
1) Spending it at garage sales, or
2) Going to footy games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos.
(These are just about the only Australian businesses still operating in OZ.)
Conclusion:
Go to a footy game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a garage sale and drink beer all day !
No need to thank me, I'm just glad I could be of help.
I pointed to two “old farts” across the bar from us and told my friend Herbie..... "That'll be us in ten years." He turned to me and said, "That's a mirror, you dumb shit."
An Arizona Highway Patrol officer stops a Harley for traveling faster than the posted speed limit. He asks the biker his name. 'Fred,' he replies. 'Fred what?' the officer asks. 'Just Fred,' the man responds. The officer is in a good mood, thinks he might just give the biker a break, and write him out a warning instead of a ticket....so the officer presses him for a last name. The man tells him that he used to have a last name but lost it. The officer thinks that he has a nut case on his hands but plays along with it. 'Tell me, Fred, how did you lose your last name?' The biker replies, 'It's a long story, so stay with me.' I was born Fred Johnson. I studied hard and got good grades. When I got older, I realized that I wanted to be a doctor. I went through college, medical school, internship, residency, and finally got my degree and license, so I was Fred Johnson, MD. After a while I got bored being a doctor, so I decided to go back to school. Dentistry was my dream! Got all the way through school, got my degree, so then I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS. Got bored doing dentistry, so I started fooling around with my assistant and she gave me VD, so now I was Fred Johnson, MD, DDS, with VD. Well, the ADA found out about the VD, so they took away my DDS. Then I was Fred Johnson, MD, with VD. Then the AMA found out about the ADA taking away my DDS because of the VD, so they took away my MD leaving me as Fred Johnson with VD. Then the VD took away my Johnson, so now I am Just Fred.' The officer walked away in tears, laughing.
A thief entered a house mid-afternoon. He tied up the woman and at knife-point asked the man to hand over the jewelry and money. The man started sobbing and said, 'You can take anything you want. Even kill me, but please untie the rope and free her.’ Thief: 'You must really love your wife!’ Man: 'Not particularly, but she will be home shortly.'
Larry and Bob, two friends, met in the park every day to feed the pigeons, watch the squirrels and discuss world problems. One day Larry didn't show up. Bob didn't think much about it and figured maybe he had a cold or something.. But after Larry hadn't shown up for a week or so, Bob really got worried. However, since the only time they ever got together was at the park, Bob didn't know where Larry lived, so he was unable to find out what had happened to him. A month had passed, and Bob figured he had seen the last of Larry, but one day, Bob approached the park and -- lo and behold -- there sat Larry! Bob was very excited and happy to see him and told him so. Then he said, ‘For crying out loud Larry, what in the world happened to you? Larry replied, 'I have been in jail.' 'Jail!' cried Bob. What in the world for?' 'Well,' Larry said, 'you know Jane, that cute little blonde waitress at the coffee shop where I sometimes go?' 'Yeah,' said Bob, 'I remember her. What about her? 'Well, one day she filed rape charges against me; and, at 95 years old, I was so proud that when I got into court, I pleaded 'guilty'.'The damn judge gave me 30 days for perjury’.
The couple had been happily married for just over 50 years when the wife died. They had spent their entire married life in the Yorkshire Dales. The husband contacted the local newspaper to enquire about having an obituary published.But when informed of the cost by the lady in the newspaper office, the man uttered, in true Yorkshire fashion, “How Much?! You've got to be joking!!” He finally agreed he would have to pay something but wanted to spend as little as possible. “I want summat simple,” he explained. “My Gladys was a good-hearted and hard-working Yorkshire lass but she wouldn't have wanted owt swanky.” “Perhaps a small poem?" suggested the woman at the newspaper obituary desk. “Nay, lass,” he said, “she wouldn't have wanted anything la-di-DA like that. And she wouldn't have wanted me to spend too much brass. How's about we just say:"Gladys Braithwaite died." “You must say when she died,” insisted the lady in the office. “Do I? OK, well, let's just put Died 17th Jan 2016. That'll do.” “OK," said the newspaper lady, "but it's also usual for the bereaved to add some meaningful phrase about the dearly departed.” The husband considered for a moment. “Well," he said, "just include Sadly missed. That'll do.” “For the minimum price, you can have another four words included,” the woman explained.“No, no,” the husband said. "Gladys wouldn't 'ave wanted me to splash out like that." “You wouldn't have to. As I've just explained, the extra four words are included in the basic price.” “Are they? You mean ... I will 'ave paid for 'em anyway?” “Yes, indeed, Mr Ramsbottom.” “Well, if I'm paying for 'em, I'm damn well 'avin 'em.” The final wording was agreed and the following obituary was duly printed in the next day's edition of the Yorkshire Post. Gladys Braithwaite died 17th January 2016 Sadly missed. Also tractor for sale.
At a national conference of the Australian Hotels Association, the general managers of Cascade Brewery (Tasmania), Tooheys (New South Wales), XXXX (Queensland), CUB (Victoria), Coopers (South Australia) and Swan Brewery (Western Australia) found themselves sitting at the same table for lunch. When the waitress asked what they wanted to drink, the GM of Tooheys said without hesitation, "I'll have a Tooheys New." The head of Carlton & United smiled and said, "Make mine a VB." To which the boss of Coopers replied, "I'll have a Coopers, the King of Beers." The bloke from Cascade asked for "a Cascade, the cleanest draught on the planet." The bloke from Swan asked for a Swan Lager.. The General Manager of XXXX paused a moment and then placed his order: "I'll have a Diet Coke." The others looked at him as if he had sprouted a new head. "Well, he said with a shrug, if you bastards aren't drinking beer, then neither will I!"
The kids filed into class Monday morning. They were all very excited. Their weekend assignment was to sell something, then give a talk on salesmanship. Little Sally led off. "I sold SES cookies and I made $30" she said proudly. "My sales approach was to appeal to the customer's civic spirit and I credit that approach for my obvious success." "Very good", said the teacher. Little Debbie was next. "I sold magazines" she said, "I made $45 and I explained to everyone that magazines would keep them up on current events." "Very good, Debbie", said the teacher. Eventually, it was Little Johnny's turn. The teacher held her breath. Little Johnny walked to the front of the classroom and dumped a box full of cash on the teacher's desk. "$2,467", he said. "$2,467!" cried the teacher, "What in the world were you selling?" "Toothbrushes", said Little Johnny. "Toothbrushes", echoed the teacher, "How could you possibly sell enough toothbrushes to make that much money?" "I found the busiest corner in town", said Little Johnny, "I set up a Chip & Dip stand and I gave everybody who walked past a free sample of a chip and some dip. They all said the same thing, 'Hey, this tastes like dog s..t!' Then I would say, 'It is dog shit, do you wanna buy a toothbrush?' "I used the Sc Mo method of 'giving' you some crap by first dressing it up so it looks good and telling you it's free, and then making you pay through the nose to get the bad taste out of your mouth." Little Johnny got an A+ for his assignment. Bless his little heart.
A man and his wife moved back home to County Cork, from London. The wife had a wooden leg and to insure it in Britain was£2000.00 a year!When they arrived in Bailieborough, they went to an Insurance agency to see how much it would cost to insure the wooden leg.The agent looked it up on the computer and said to the couple, '€39.00.' The husband was shocked and asked why it was so cheap here in Ireland to insure, because it cost him £2000.00 in England! The agent turned his computer screen to the couple and said, 'Well, here it is on the screen, it says: Any wooden structure, with a sprinkler system over it, is €39.00".
I often do find the Irish Logic far superior to most others.
Once, a gay man went to heaven. At the Great Gate, Saint Peter was waiting for him. After rewieving his records Saint Pete decided to let him in. "Follow me" he said, opening the gate and walking in. After some walk, Saint Pete's keys accidentally fell on the ground. Unaware, he bent over to pick up the keys. That was something the gay man just couldn't resist, so he jumped on him and did his thing. Saint Pete was furious. "If you do that again, You'll go straight to hell! But follow me, we're almost there."
After some more walk, Pete dropped his keys again, and again, the gay man jumped on him. Saint Pete was even more furious than before, but decided to give the gay guy one last chance. Again they walk and for the third time Pete drops his keys, so he bends over and picks them up. The gay guy, having no self control jumps on him. Pete is now fed up and sends the gay guy straight to hell. A few weeks later, Saint Pete goes down to! hell for his routine inspection, but this time something is wrong, it is freezing, no fire, no lava and in one corner, he finds the devil lying under a stack of blankets freezing his ass of. "Why is it so god damn cold down here? "Pete asks. "Well you just try bending down for firewood!!" The devil replied.
A man moves into a nudist colony. He receives a letter from his mother asking him to send her a current photo of himself in his new location. Too embarrassed to let her know that he lives in a nudist colony, he cuts a photo in half and sends her the top half. Later he receives another letter asking him to send a picture to his grandmother. The man cuts another picture in half, but accidentally sends the bottom half of the photo. He is really worried when he realizes that he sent the wrong half, but then remembers how bad his grandmother's eyesight is, and hopes she won't notice. A few weeks later, he receives a letter from his grandmother. It says... "Thank you for the picture. Change your hair style, it makes your nose look too short!"
A young woman buys a mirror at an antique shop, and hangs it on her bathroom door. One evening, while getting undressed, she playfully says "Mirror, mirror, on my door, make my bustline forty four". Instantly, there is a brilliant flash of light, and her breasts grow to enormous proportions. Excitedly, she runs to tell her husband what happened, and in minutes they both return. This time the husband crosses his fingers and says "Mirror mirror on the door, make my penis touch the floor!". Again, there's a bright flash... and then his legs fall off!
.
A beautiful German woman married a American gentleman born in Virginia and they lived happily ever after in his home town. The poor lady didn't speak English but was able to communicate with her husband. The real problem arose whenever she had to shop for groceries. One day, she went to the butcher counter and wanted to buy chicken legs. She didn't know how to put forward her request so, in desperation, she clucked like a chicken and lifted up her skirt to show her thighs. Her butcher got the message and gave her the chicken legs. Next day she needed to get chicken breasts, again she didn't know how to say it, so she clucked like a chicken and unbuttoned Her blouse to show the butcher her breasts. The butcher understood again and gave her some chicken breasts. On the 3rd day, the poor lady needed to buy sausages. Unable to find a way to communicate this, she brought herhusband to the store...
What were you Thinking? Her husband speaks English....hellooo! I worry about you!
In a dark and hazy room, peering into a crystal ball, the Mystic delivered the grave news: "There's no easy way to tell you this, so I'll just be blunt. Prepare yourself to be a widow. Your husband will die a violent and horrible death this year." Visibly shaken, Laura stared at the woman's lined face, then at the single flickering candle, then down at her hands........ She took a few deep breaths to compose herself and to stop her mind from racing....... She simply had to know. She met the Fortune Teller's gaze, steadied her voice and asked , ......"Will I be acquitted ?"
This is so true! They always ask at the doctor's office why you are there, and you have to answer in front of others what is wrong and sometimes it is embarrassing. There is nothing worse than a Doctor's Receptionist who insists you tell her what is wrong with you in a room full of other patients. I know most of us have experienced this, and I love the way this old guy handled it. A 65-year-old man walked into a crowded waiting room and approached the desk. The Receptionist said, 'Yes sir, what are you seeing the Doctor for today?' 'There's something wrong with my dick', he replied. The receptionist became irritated and said, 'You shouldn't come into a crowded waiting room and say things like that. ''Why not, you asked me what was wrong and I told you,' he said. The Receptionist replied; 'Now you've caused some embarrassment in this room full of people. You should have said there is something wrong with your ear or something and discussed the problem further with the Doctor in private.' The man replied, 'You shouldn't ask people questions in a roomful of strangers, if the answer could embarrass anyone. The man walked out, waited several minutes, and then re-entered. The Receptionist smiled smugly and asked, 'Yes??' 'There's something wrong with my ear,' he stated The Receptionist nodded approvingly and smiled, knowing he had taken her advice.. 'And what is wrong with your ear, Sir?' 'I can't piss out of it,' he replied. The waiting room erupted in laughter...Mess with seniors, and you're going to lose.
8 New Year’s Resolutions For Golfers
A new year calls for new resolutions. It’s time to wipe the worries of 2018 away and start over with a fresh new slate.
Dust off your clubs, stock up on tees and forget about all those three putts. Enjoy your golf game even more this season by taking up these New Year’s resolutions.
1. Smile more
On the one hand, you’re enjoying the fresh air and some witty repartee with your closest friends.
On the other hand, you’ve hit three shanks, lost four balls and your putter is colder than a romantic weekend away with your other half. Perspective is going to be your new middle name, and with that, you vow to smile your way through 2019.
2. Honours board
Close your eyes and picture your name on the club’s honours board.
Generations of golfers will see your name and think, “T Hutchins – he must have been a hell of a player”.
3. Practise short game
Your imperious ball-striking has never received the recognition it deserves, largely because your short game is a blend of duffs, shanks and yips.However, 2019 will see a new approach that will transform your chipping into a consistent demonstration of pure wizardry.
4. Don’t lose temper
On the face of it, this is the simplest resolution. In practice, it’s anything but.“If you can meet triumph and disaster and treat those two imposters just the same…” – you are simply not human. Still… worth a try.
5. Get your handicap down
Golf is perhaps the most quantifiable of all sports. With just a number, your handicap tells the story of your golfing life.
However much we all enjoy winning prizes and taking money from our friends, what we really want is a lower handicap.
It is the ultimate resolution!
6. Improve your fitness
Everyone loves to have a fitness-inspired new year’s resolution so why not have one yourself and apply it to golf?
Focus on core strength and flexibility to improve your swing power, flexibility and stamina.
Granted, you might not look like Brooks Koepka when you’re done but improved fitness and strength will help your game!
7. Play more golf
How many rounds did you play in 2018? If it was less than 50, why not double it next year? Sure, your kids will miss having you around and your other half will file for divorce, but these are just minor bumps on the road to becoming a Green Jacketeer!
8. Lessons
The children are in bed and you’re sat in your favourite armchair with a glass of red in hand.
Life is good. Naturally, you begin to reflect.It dawns on you that you’ve been battling the same horrific snap hook for over a decade now.It’s a sobering thought. Time to visit the pro!
Maude and Claude, both 81, lived in The Villages, in Florida. They met at the singles club meeting and discovered over time that they enjoyed each other's company. After several weeks of meeting for coffee, Claude asked Maude out for dinner and, much to his delight, she accepted. They had a lovely evening. They dined at the most romantic restaurant in town. Despite their ages, they ended up at his place for an after-dinner drink. Things continued along a natural course and with age being no inhibitor, Maude soon joined Claude for a most enjoyable roll in the hay. As they were basking in the glow of the magic moments they'd shared, each was lost for a time in their own thoughts..... Claude was thinking: 'If I'd known she was a virgin, I'd have been gentler.' Maude was thinking: 'If I'd known he could still do it, I'd have taken off my pantyhose.'
Definition of "OLD"
#1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?" And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".
#2 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied: "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
#3 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
#4 I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia.Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
#5 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
#6 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart."Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7 My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8 Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9 It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
#10 These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11 THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.
Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now. Paddy: Oh!
Mick: For example do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is? Paddy: No.
Mick: He's the Inventor of the telephone in 1876;..if you took night classes you'd know this.
The next day, Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Paddy: No.
Mick: He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers.'.....if you took night classes you'd know this.
The next day, once again: Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is? Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of 'The Confessions'......if you took night classes you'd know this.
This time, Paddy was really irritated and said: ...And..and.. you Mick...Do you know who Sean O'Reilly is?
Mick: No Paddy: Weeel, he's the fellow who's been bonking your wife for the past 5 months.....and if you stopped going to night classes...you'd know this!!..
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break......?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Ar*e Hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Bev called him a “Sh1t Head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Donald Trump decided to visit an elementary class one day. The teacher asked the President if he'd like to lead a discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So Trump asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath ..... In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room...........
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood. He is signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season. Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Pies! The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star. When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media... 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month. After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come." "Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me." As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be! some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property ? ..... the asshole had a paper round.
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch … Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gringo. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number, after the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots, she too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter, Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms, they live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school, they have a second home in Bali. Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon, her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne, they live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark they run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home, they live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
Definition of "OLD"
#1 I very quietly confided to my best friend that I was having an affair. She turned to me and asked, "Are you having it catered?" And that, my friend, is the sad definition of "OLD".
#2 Just before the funeral services, the undertaker came up to the very elderly widow and asked, "How old was your husband?" "98," she replied: "Two years older than me" "So you're 96," the undertaker commented. She responded, "Hardly worth going home, is it?"
#3 Reporters interviewing a 104-year-old woman: "And what do you think is the best thing About being 104?" the reporter asked. She simply replied, "No peer pressure."
#4 I've sure gotten old! I have outlived my feet and my teeth I've had two bypass surgeries, a hip replacement, New knees, fought prostate cancer and diabetes I'm half blind, Can't hear anything quieter than a jet engine, Take 40 different medications that make me dizzy, winded, and subject to blackouts.Have bouts with dementia.Have poor circulation; Hardly feel my hands and feet anymore. Can't remember if I'm 85 or 92. Have lost all my friends. But, thank God, I still have my driver's license.
#5 I feel like my body has gotten totally out of shape, So I got my doctor's permission to Join a fitness club and start exercising. I decided to take an aerobics class for seniors. I bent, twisted, gyrated, jumped up and down, and perspired for an hour. But, By the time I got my leotards on, The class was over.
#6 An elderly woman decided to prepare her will and told her preacher she had two final requests. First, she wanted to be cremated, and second, She wanted her ashes scattered over Wal-Mart."Wal-Mart?" the preacher exclaimed. "Why Wal-Mart?"
"Then I'll be sure my daughters visit me twice a week"
#7 My memory's not as sharp as it used to be.. Also, my memory's not as sharp as it used to be.
#8 Know how to prevent sagging? Just eat till the wrinkles fill out.
#9 It's scary when you start making the same noises As your coffee maker.
#10 These days about half the stuff In my shopping cart says, 'For fast relief.'
#11 THE SENILITY PRAYER :
Grant me the senility to forget the people I never liked anyway,The good fortune to run into the ones I do, and The eyesight to tell the difference.
Mick: I've been going to Night Classes every night for 5 months now. Paddy: Oh!
Mick: For example do you know who Alexander Graham Bell is? Paddy: No.
Mick: He's the Inventor of the telephone in 1876;..if you took night classes you'd know this.
The next day, Mick: Do you know who Alexander Dumas is? Paddy: No.
Mick: He's the author of 'The Three Musketeers.'.....if you took night classes you'd know this.
The next day, once again: Mick: And do you know who Jean-Jacques Rousseau is? Paddy: No
Mick: He's the author of 'The Confessions'......if you took night classes you'd know this.
This time, Paddy was really irritated and said: ...And..and.. you Mick...Do you know who Sean O'Reilly is?
Mick: No Paddy: Weeel, he's the fellow who's been bonking your wife for the past 5 months.....and if you stopped going to night classes...you'd know this!!..
Well, for example, the other day, Bev my wife and I went into town and visited a shop. When we came out, there was a cop writing out a parking ticket.We went up to him and I said, 'Come on, man, how about giving a senior citizen a break......?' He ignored us and continued writing the ticket. I called him an “Ar*e Hole” . He glared at me and started writing another ticket for having worn-out tires. So Bev called him a “Sh1t Head”. He finished the second ticket and put it on the windshield with the first. Then he started writing more tickets. This went on for about 20 minutes. The more we abused him, the more tickets he wrote. Just then our bus arrived, and we got on it and went home. We try to have a little fun each day now that we're retired. It's important at our age.
Donald Trump decided to visit an elementary class one day. The teacher asked the President if he'd like to lead a discussion on the word 'tragedy.' So Trump asked the class for an example of a 'tragedy'. One little boy stood up and offered: "If my best friend, who lives on a farm, is playing in the field and a tractor runs him over and kills him, that would be a tragedy." "No," said Trump, "that would be an accident." A little girl raised her hand: "If a school bus carrying 50 children drove off a cliff, killing everyone, that would be a tragedy." "I'm afraid not," explained Trump. "That's what we would call a great loss." The room went silent. No other child volunteered. Trump searched the room. "Isn't there someone here who can give me an example of a tragedy?" Finally at the back of the room, Little Johnny raised his hand. The teacher held her breath ..... In a quiet voice he said: "If the plane carrying you was struck by a 'friendly fire' missile and blown to smithereens that would be a tragedy." "Fantastic!" exclaimed Trump, "That's right. And can you tell me why that would be a tragedy?" "Well," says Johnny, "It has to be a tragedy, because it sure as hell wouldn't be a great loss ... and you can bet your sweet ass it wouldn't be an accident either!" The teacher left the room...........
Eddie McGuire flies to Baghdad to watch a young Iraqi play Aussie Rules and is suitably impressed and arranges for him to come over to Collingwood. He is signed to a one-year contract and the kid joins the team for the pre-season. Two weeks later the magpies are down by 6 goals to Carlton with only 10 minutes left The coach gives the young Iraqi the nod and he goes in. The kid is a sensation - kicks 7 goals in 10 minutes and wins the game for the Pies! The fans are thrilled, the players and coaches are delighted, and the media are in love with the new star. When the player comes off the ground he phones his mum to tell her about his first day of AFL. 'Hello mum, guess what?' he says. 'I played for 10 minutes today, we were 6 goals down, but I kicked 7 goals and we won. Everybody loves me, the fans, the media... 'Wonderful,' says his mum, 'Let me tell you about my day. Your father got shot in the street and robbed, your sister and I were ambushed, beaten, and your brother has joined a gang of looters, and all while you were having such great time.' The young Iraqi is very upset. 'What can I say mum, I'm so sorry.'Sorry? You're sorry?' says his mum, 'It's your fault we moved to Collingwood in the first place!'
Sam had been in the hectic newspaper business for twenty-five years when he decided that he was sick of the stress and quit his job. He bought 50 acres of land in the middle of Nowhere, Vermont. His place was so isolated that the postman came only once a week and he went to the grocery store only once a month. After six months of near total isolation, he hears a knock on the door. He opens the door and a big bearded Vermonter is standing there. He says, "Names Enoch...your neighbor from four miles over the ridge. Having a party Saturday...thought you'd like to come." "Great," replies Sam. "After six months of living like this I'm ready to meet some local folks. Thanks for inviting me." As Enoch is leaving, he stops. "Gotta warn you, though, there's gonna be some drinkin'." "Not a problem. After 25 years in the newspaper business, I can drink with the best of them." Again, as he starts to leave, Enoch stops. "More 'n likely gonna be! some fightin', too." Tough crowd, Sam thinks to himself. "Well, I get along with people. Don't worry, I'll be there. Thanks again."Once again, Enoch turns from the door, "I've seen some wild sex at these parties, too." "Now that is not a problem," Sam says. "I've been up here all alone for six long months. I'll definitely be there. By the way, what should I wear?" Enoch stops in the doorway one last time and says... "Whatever you want. Just gonna be the 2 of us there."
Wiremu, a New Zealander, was on the dole in Australia but about to fly home to watch the Rugby World Cup and was not feeling well, So he decided to see a doctor. "Hey doc, I dun't feel so good, ey" said Wiremu. The doctor gave him a thorough examination and informed Wiremu that he had long existing and advanced prostate problems and that the only cure was testicular removal. "No way doc" replied Wiremu "I'm gitting a sicond opinion ey!" The second Aussie doctor gave Wiremu the same diagnosis and also advised him that testicular removal was the only cure. Not surprisingly, Wiremu refused the treatment. Wiremu was devastated, but with the Rugby World Cup just around the corner he found an expat Kiwi doctor and decided to get one last opinion from someone he could trust. The Kiwi doctor examined him and said: "Wiremu Cuzzy Bro, you huv Prostate suckness ey." "What's the cure thin doc ?" asked Wiremu hoping for a different answer. "Wull, Wiremu", said the Kiwi doctor "Wi're gonna huv to cut off your balls." "Phew, thunk god for thut!" said Wiremu, "those Aussie bastards wanted to take my test tickets off me!"
Doug Smith is on his deathbed and knows the end is near. His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him. He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, "Bernie, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Sybil, you take the apartments over in the east end." My son, "Jamie, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Sarah, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize his extensive holdings, and as Doug slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Smith, your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property". Sarah replies, "Property ? ..... the asshole had a paper round.
Three girls, Jan, Sue and Mary haven't seen each other since leaving school. They rediscover each other via Facebook and arrange to meet for lunch … Jan arrives first, wearing a beige Versace dress. She orders a bottle of Pinot Gringo. Sue arrives shortly afterward, wearing a grey Chanel number, after the initial hugs and kisses she joins Jan in a glass of wine. Mary walks in, wearing a faded old tee-shirt, blue jeans and boots, she too shares the wine. Jan explains that after leaving school and attending Oxford University she met and married Timothy, with whom she has a beautiful daughter, Timothy is a partner in one of Sydney's leading law firms, they live in a 4000 sq ft apartment on The North Shore and Susanna, the daughter, attends drama school, they have a second home in Bali. Sue relates that she graduated from Monash University, studied to become a doctor and became a surgeon, her husband, Clive, is a leading financial investment banker in Melbourne, they live in the Toorak area and have a second home in Italy. Mary explains that after she left school at 17, she ran off with her boyfriend, Mark they run a tropical bird park on the Sunshine Coast and grow their own vegetables. Mark can stand five parrots, side by side, on his erect penis. Halfway down the third bottle of wine and several hours later, Jan blurts out that her husband is really a cashier at Target they live in a small apartment and have a camper trailer parked on the front drive. Sue, chastened and encouraged by her old friend's honesty, explains that she and Clive are both nursing care assistants in an old people's home, they live in Hoppers Crossing and take camping holidays on the Murray. Mary admits that the fifth parrot has to stand on one leg.
These facts are irrefutable. Be careful, be very careful.
A wise person once said: We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A wise person once said: We all love to spend money buying new clothes but we never realize that the best moments in life are enjoyed without clothes.
Having a cold drink on hot day with a few friends is nice, but having a hot friend on a cold night after a few drinks - PRICELESS.
Arguing over a girl's bust size is like choosing between Fosters, Victoria Bitter, XXXX & Crown Lager. Men may state their preferences, but will grab whatever is available.
AND I haven't verified this on Snopes or Google but it sounds legit. A recent study found that women who carry a little extra weight live longer than the men who mention it.
A 'liberal', in a wheelchair, entered a restaurant one afternoon and asked the waitress for a cup of coffee. The 'Liberal looked across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus sitting over there?" The waitress nodded "yes," so the 'Liberal' requested that she give Jesus a cup of hot chocolate, on him. The next patron to come in was a 'Bob Katter' supporter, with a hunched back. He shuffled over to a booth, painfully sat down, and asked the waitress for a cup of hot tea. He also glanced across the restaurant and asked, "Is that Jesus, over there?" The waitress nodded, so the 'Bob Katter' supporter asked her to give Jesus a cup of hot tea, "my treat." The third patron to come into the restaurant was a 'Labor' supporter on crutches. He hobbled over to a booth, sat down and hollered, "Hey there honey! How's about getting me a cold XXXX beer?" He too looked across the restaurant and asked, "Isn't that God's boy over there?" The waitress nodded, so the 'Labor' supporter directed her to give Jesus a cold beer. "On my bill," he said loudly. As Jesus got up to leave, he passed by the 'Liberal, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Liberal' felt the strength come back into his legs, got up, and danced a jig out the door. Jesus passed by the 'Bob Katter' supporter, touched him and said, "For your kindness, you are healed." The 'Katter' supporter felt his back straightening up and he raised his hands, praised the Lord, and did a series of back flips out the door. Then, Jesus walked towards the 'Labor' supporter, just smiling. The 'Labor' supporter jumped up and yelled, "Don't touch me .... I'm on a disability pension."
A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman, How did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin I knew that was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once had and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
Greens senator, Sarah Hanson-Young, is touring live cattle export yards in the senator's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road; they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop Sarah in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer " says Sarah, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My god, what happened to you?" asks Sarah The chauffeur replies "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whiskey. The wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Sarah. "I knocked on the door and when it answered, I said to them I’m Sarah Hanson-young's chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow."
Going to Church in Chicago When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church,
I decided to go there and check them out in person. As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church? He laid his hands on my shoulder and said:
"By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, the will of God, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus,the Lord Almighty, you will walk today. Again,I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right....
My car was gone !!!
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!” Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?" Edna: "No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
You have reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Don. How can I help you?’ "Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
A woman was on the way to winning $1,000,000 on the game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.' The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis." Come the game show she has forgotten again, and Eddie Maguire asks, "For $1,000,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds." "Um... The head." "Good. Eight seconds." "Um... The heart.." "That's right. Five seconds." "Oh... Um... Damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough! You've won $1,000,000!"
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON." BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW." HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
A preacher announced, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come up to the front by the altar." With that, an old Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked: "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?" Mulrunji answered, "I don't know mate, it ain't 'til next week!"
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on! So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do." Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?" His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
******
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’”
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******
Someone asked an old man:“Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?”
Old man: “I forgot her name years ago and I’m scared to ask her."
******
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
******
For MEN.....and WOMEN with a sense of humour ?? A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
******
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
******
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT -
what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
*****
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nay, ye can gae aheed." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl. The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
May the wind whistle quietly up ya kilt.
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
A young doctor had moved to a small community near Broken Hill to replace a doctor who was retiring. The older doctor suggested that the young one accompany him on his rounds so that the community would become used to their new doctor. At the first house a woman complains, "I've been a little sick to my stomach." The older doctor says, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?" As they left, the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman, How did you come to your diagnosis so quickly?" "I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half dozen banana peels in the waste bin I knew that was what probably was making her sick." The younger doctor said "Pretty clever. If you don't mind, I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She said that she just didn't have the energy she once had and said, "I'm feeling terribly run down lately." "You've probably been doing too much for the Church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps." As they left, the elder doctor said, "I know that woman well. Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, she's very active in the church but how did you arrive at it?" "I did what you did at the last house. I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the vicar under the bed."
Greens senator, Sarah Hanson-Young, is touring live cattle export yards in the senator's chauffeur driven car. Suddenly a cow jumps out into the road; they hit it full on and the car comes to a stop Sarah in her usual jaunty manner, says to the chauffeur, "You get out and check - you were driving." The chauffeur gets out, checks and reports that the animal is dead. "You were driving, go and tell the farmer " says Sarah, "I can't afford to be blamed for anything." The chauffeur walks up the drive to the farmhouse and returns five hours later totally plastered, his hair ruffled and with a big grin on his face. "My god, what happened to you?" asks Sarah The chauffeur replies "When I got there, the farmer opened his best bottle of single malt whiskey. The wife gave me a slap up meal and the daughter made love to me." "What on earth did you say?" asks Sarah. "I knocked on the door and when it answered, I said to them I’m Sarah Hanson-young's chauffeur and I’ve just killed the cow."
Going to Church in Chicago When I heard Al Sharpton and Jesse Jackson were guest preachers at a nearby church,
I decided to go there and check them out in person. As soon as I sat down, Reverend Sharpton came over to me. I don't know why, maybe it was because I was the only white person in the church? He laid his hands on my shoulder and said:
"By the will of Jesus the Lord Almighty, the will of God, you will walk today." I told him I was not paralyzed. Then Jesse Jackson came by and said: "By the Grace of God, and his Son Jesus,the Lord Almighty, you will walk today. Again,I said that there is nothing wrong with me. After the sermon I stepped outside and lo and behold they were right....
My car was gone !!!
Dorothy and Edna, two "senior" widows, are talking. Dorothy: "That nice George Johnston asked me out for a date. I know
you went out with him last week, and I wanted to talk with you about him before I give him my answer." Edna: "Well, I'll tell you. He shows up at my apartment punctually at 7pm, dressed like such a gentleman in a fine suit, and he brings me such beautiful flowers! Then he takes me downstairs. And what's there; a limousine, uniformed chauffeur and all. Then he takes me out for dinner; a marvellous dinner, lobster, champagne, dessert, and after-dinner drinks. Then we go see a show. Let me tell you Dorothy, I enjoyed it so much I could have just died from pleasure! So then we are coming back to my apartment and he turns into an ANIMAL. Completely crazy, he tears off my expensive new dress and has his way with me three times!” Dorothy: "Goodness gracious! So you are telling me I shouldn't go?" Edna: "No, no, no ... I'm just saying, wear an old dress."
You have reached the Men's Help Line. My name is Don. How can I help you?’ "Hi Don, I really need your advice on a serious problem. I have suspected for some time now that my wife has been cheating on me. You know, just the usual signs; the phone rings and when I answer, the caller hangs up. Plus, she goes out with 'the girls' a lot. I usually try to stay awake to look out for her when she comes home, but I always fall asleep. Anyway, last night about midnight, I woke up and she was not home. So I hid in the garage behind my boat and waited for her. When she came home, she got out of someone's car, buttoning her blouse, then she took her panties out of her purse and slipped them on. It was at that moment, while crouched behind the boat, that I noticed a hairline crack in the outboard motor mounting bracket.Is that something I can weld, or do I need to replace the whole bracket?"
A woman was on the way to winning $1,000,000 on the game show, but her final question was suspended for the next night. Her husband sneaked into the studio and found the question and answer. He raced home and told his wife "Your question is: 'What are the three main parts of the male anatomy', and the answer is 'The head, heart and penis.' The woman thinks about this throughout the night, but keeps forgetting the answer. Her husband keeps reminding her, "The head, heart and penis." Come the game show she has forgotten again, and Eddie Maguire asks, "For $1,000,000, what are the three main parts of the male anatomy? You have ten seconds." "Um... The head." "Good. Eight seconds." "Um... The heart.." "That's right. Five seconds." "Oh... Um... Damn. My husband drilled it into me last night and I had it on the tip of my tongue this morning..." "That's close enough! You've won $1,000,000!"
I TOLD MY SON, "YOU WILL MARRY THE GIRL I CHOOSE." HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "SHE IS BILL GATES' DAUGHTER." HE SAID, "YES."
I CALLED BILL GATES AND SAID, "I WANT YOUR DAUGHTER TO MARRY MY SON." BILL GATES SAID, "NO."
I TOLD BILL GATES, "MY SON IS THE CEO OF THE WORLD BANK." BILL GATES SAID, "OK."
I CALLED THE PRESIDENT OF WORLD BANK AND ASKED HIM TO MAKE MY SON THE CEO. HE SAID, "NO."
I TOLD HIM, "MY SON IS BILL GATES' SON-IN-LAW." HE SAID, "OK."
AND THAT'S EXACTLY HOW POLITICS WORKS. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in influential positions of government. The practice is unbroken to this date.
On a golf tour in Newfoundland, Tiger Woods drives his Mercedes Benz into a gas station in a remote part of the island.
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner, completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant. Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle. As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the ground. "What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant. "They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie. "They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of everything".
A preacher announced, "Anyone with 'special needs' who wants to be prayed over, please come up to the front by the altar." With that, an old Aboriginal man got in line, and when it was his turn, the Preacher asked: "Mulrunji, what do you want me to pray about for you?" Mulrunji replied, "Preacher, I need you to pray for help with my hearing." The preacher put one finger of one hand in Mulrunji's ear, placed his other hand on top of Mulrunji's head, and then prayed and prayed and prayed. He prayed to the 'Almighty' for Mulrunji, and the whole congregation joined in with great enthusiasm. After a few minutes, the preacher removed his hands, stood back and asked, "Mulrunji, how is your hearing now?" Mulrunji answered, "I don't know mate, it ain't 'til next week!"
One day, Jimmy is walking home from school. When he gets home, he finds his grandpa sitting on the Porch without any pants on! So he goes up to his grandpa and says "Grandpa, do you realize that you're not wearing any pants?" His grandpa replies "Yes Jimmy, I do." Jimmy then says "Well, why are you outside without any pants on Grandpa?" His grandpa looks at Jimmy and responds "Well Jimmy, yesterday I sat outside without a shirt to long, and I got a stiff neck. This was your grandma's idea."
Bill has worked in a pickle factory for several years. One day he confesses to his wife that he has a terrible urge to stick his penis into the pickle slicer. His wife suggests that he see a therapist to talk about it, but Bill vows to overcome this rash desire on his own. A few weeks later, Bill returns home absolutely ashen. His wife asks, "What's wrong, Bill?" "Do you remember how I told you about my tremendous urge to put my penis into the pickle slicer?" His wife gasps, "My God, Bill, what happened?" "I got fired." "No, Bill I mean, what happened with the pickle slicer?" "Oh, um, she got fired, too."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied, “My husband’s check book!!”
******
A prospective husband in a book store "Do you have a book called ‘Husband – the Master of the House?’”
Sales girl: “Sir, fiction and comics are on the 1st floor!”
******
Someone asked an old man:“Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – darling, honey, luv. What’s the secret?”
Old man: “I forgot her name years ago and I’m scared to ask her."
******
Pharmacist to customer: “Sir, please understand, to buy an anti-depression pill you need a proper prescription ...
Simply showing marriage certificate and wife’s picture is not enough !
******
For MEN.....and WOMEN with a sense of humour ?? A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
******
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
******
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
******
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
******
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE:
Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
******
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT -
what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
*****
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
A hungry bloke walks into a seedy cafe in Glasgow. He sits at the counter and notices a Jock with his arms folded, staring blankly at a bowl of chili. After ten minutes of just sitting there staring at it, the hungry bloke bravely asks.
"If you aren't going to eat that, mind if I do?" The old Jock slowly turns his head toward the young bloke and says.
"Nay, ye can gae aheed." Eagerly, the young bloke reaches over and slides the bowl over to his place and starts spooning it in with delight. He gets nearly down to the bottom and notices a dead mouse in the chili. The sight was shocking and he immediately pukes up the chili back into the bowl. The old Jock says. "Aye, that's as far as I got too."
May the wind whistle quietly up ya kilt.
Two little boys are going to the hospital the next day for operations. Theirs will be first on the schedule. The older boy leans over and asks, "What are you having done?" The second boy says, I'm getting my tonsils out, and I'm afraid." The first boy says, "You've got nothing to worry about. I had that done when I was four. They put you to sleep, and when you wake up, they give you lots of Jell-O and ice cream. It's a breeze." The second boy then asks, "What are you going in for?" The first boy says, "Circumcision." "Whoa!" the smaller boy replies. "Good luck, buddy. I had that done when I was born. Couldn't walk for a year."
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford another bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children ..... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … ? " at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand and Queensland
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing
gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?” The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.” The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.” The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?” Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.” The Australian then asked, “Do you bonk in the States?” The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.” The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?” “We throw them away, of course.” Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.” Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?" The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said. Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again. On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied. "What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked. "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.”
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't you love me anymore?' 'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
A man had tickets to the Grand -Final, As he sits down, another man comes down and ask's if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him "No he says the seat is vacant" "This is Incredible !"He said "who in their right mind would leave a
Seat like this, for the Grand-Final ?" "Well actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand-final we haven't Been together since we got married" "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat, a relative, or a friend, or even a neighbour to take the seat ? The man shook his head,No he said "They're all at the Funeral !!!"
Hud was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And mom wants to talk to you.
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?' She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said... "I looked up 'beautiful climbing rose' on Google last night and it said..'Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who ' s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? ' The guy replies, ' I ' m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston . ' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ' Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it ' s the priest ' s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ' I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary ' s for the last 43 years. ' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' Just a minute, ' says the good father. ' That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? 'Up here - we go by results, ' says Saint Peter. ' When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. '
The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5, … ? " at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand and Queensland
An Australian man was having coffee and croissants with butter and jam in a cafe when an American tourist, chewing
gum, sat down next to him. The Australian politely ignored the American, who, nevertheless, started up a conversation. The American snapped his gum and said, “You Australian folk eat the whole bread?” The Australian frowned, annoyed with being bothered during his breakfast, and replied, “Of course.” The American blew a huge bubble. “We don’t. In the States, we only eat what’s inside. The crusts we collect in a container, recycle them, transform them into croissants and sell them to Australia.” The American had a smirk on his face. The Australian listened in silence. The American persisted. “Do you eat jam with the bread?” Sighing, the Australian replied, “Of course.” Cracking his gum between his teeth, the American said, “We don’t. In the States, we eat fresh fruit for breakfast, then we put all the peels, seeds, and leftovers in containers, recycle them, transform them into jam and sell it to Australia.” The Australian then asked, “Do you bonk in the States?” The American smiled and said, “Why of course we do.” The Australian leaned closer to him and asked, “And what do you do with the condoms once you’ve used them?” “We throw them away, of course.” Now it was the Australian’s turn to smile. “We don’t. In Australia we put them in a container, recycle them, melt them down into chewing gum and sell them to the United States.” Why do you think it’s called Wrigley’s
A circus owner ran an ad for a lion tamer, and two young people showed up. One was a good-looking lad in his mid-twenties, and the other was a gorgeous blonde about the same age. The circus owner told them, "I'm not going to sugar-coat it. This is one ferocious lion. He ate my last tamer, so you guys better be good or you're history. Here's your equipment: chair, whip, and a gun. Who wants to try out first?" The girl said, "I'll go first." She walked past the chair, the whip, and the gun and stepped right into the lion's cage. The lion started to snarl and pant and began to charge her. About half way there, she threw open her coat revealing her beautiful naked body. The lion stopped dead in his tracks, sheepishly crawled up to her, and started licking her ankles. He continued to lick her calves, kissed them, and then rested his head at her feet. The circus owner's mouth was on the floor. He said, "I've never seen a display like that in my life." He then turned to the young man and asked, "Can you top that?" The young man replied, "No problem, just get that lion out of the way."
On their first date, a man asked his companion if she'd like a drink with dinner. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said. Later, he offered her a cigarette. "Oh, no, what would I tell my Sunday school class?" she said again. On the drive home, he saw a motel. Figuring he had nothing to lose, he asked if she wanted to stop in there.
"Okay," his date replied. "What will you tell your Sunday school class?" he asked, shocked. "The same thing I always tell them. 'You don't have to drink or smoke to have a good time.”
One night at the dinner table, the wife commented, 'When we were first married, you took the small piece of steak and gave me the larger. Now you take the large one and leave me the smaller. Don't you love me anymore?' 'Nonsense, darling,' replied the husband, 'you just cook better now.'
A man had tickets to the Grand -Final, As he sits down, another man comes down and ask's if anyone is sitting in the seat next to him "No he says the seat is vacant" "This is Incredible !"He said "who in their right mind would leave a
Seat like this, for the Grand-Final ?" "Well actually the seat belongs to me. My wife was to come with me, but she passed away. This is the first Grand-final we haven't Been together since we got married" "Oh... I'm sorry to hear that But couldn't you find someone else to take the seat, a relative, or a friend, or even a neighbour to take the seat ? The man shook his head,No he said "They're all at the Funeral !!!"
Hud was staying with his grandfather for a few days. He'd been playing outside with the other kids, when he came into the house and asked, 'Grandpa, what's that called when two people sleep in the same bedroom and one is on top of the other?' His Grandpa was a little taken aback, but he decided to tell him the truth. 'Well, Hunter, it's called sexual intercourse.’ ‘Oh,’ Little Hunter said, 'OK,' and went back outside to play with the other kids. A few minutes later he came back in and said angrily, 'Grandpa, it isn't called sexual intercourse. It's called Bunk Beds. And mom wants to talk to you.
A man takes a lady out to dinner for the first time. Later they go on to a show. The evening is a huge success and as he drops her at her door he says 'I have had a lovely time. You looked so beautiful, you remind me of a beautiful climbing rose. May I call on you tomorrow?' She agrees and a date is made. The next night he knocks on her door and when she opens it she slaps him hard across the face. He is stunned. "What was that for?" he asked. She said... "I looked up 'beautiful climbing rose' on Google last night and it said..'Best suited for rooting against a brick wall or fence, no good in an open bed.
A priest dies and is waiting in line at the Pearly Gates. Ahead of him is a guy who ' s dressed in sunglasses, a loud shirt, leather jacket, and jeans. Saint Peter addresses this cool guy, ' Who are you, so that I may know whether or not to admit you to the Kingdom of Heaven ? ' The guy replies, ' I ' m Jack, retired airline pilot from Houston . ' Saint Peter consults his list. He smiles and says to the pilot, ' Take this silken robe and golden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' The pilot goes into Heaven with his robe and staff. Next, it ' s the priest ' s turn. He stands erect and booms out, ' I am Father Bob, pastor of Saint Mary ' s for the last 43 years. ' Saint Peter consults his list. He says to the priest, ' Take this cotton robe and wooden staff and enter the Kingdom. ' Just a minute, ' says the good father. ' That man was a pilot and he gets a silken robe and golden staff and I get only cotton and wood. How can this be? 'Up here - we go by results, ' says Saint Peter. ' When you preached - people slept. When he flew, people prayed. '
A HUSBAND IS AT HOME WATCHING A FOOTBALL GAME WHEN HIS WIFE INTERRUPTS, "HONEY, COULD YOU FIX THE LIGHT IN THE HALLWAY? IT'S BEEN FLICKERING FOR WEEKS NOW". HE LOOKS AT HER AND SAYS ANGRILY, "FIX THE HTS NOW"? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘GE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO"! “FINE," THEN THE WIFE ASKS, "WELL THEN, COULD YOU FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? IT WON'T CLOSE RIGHT". TO WHICH HE REPLIES, "FIX THE FRIDGE DOOR? DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE ‘WESTINGHOUSE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD"? "I DON'T THINK SO"! “FINE, SHE SAYS, THEN YOU COULD AT LEAST FIX THE STEPS TO THE FRONT DOOR? THEY ARE ABOUT TO BREAK". "I'M NOT A CARPENTER AND I DON'T WANT TO FIX STEPS". HE SAYS, "DOES IT LOOK LIKE I HAVE 'HOME HARDWARE' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD? I DON'T THINK SO!. . . . I'VE HAD ENOUGH OF YOU. I'M GOING TO THE BAR"! SO HE GOES TO THE BAR AND DRINKS FOR A COUPLE OF HOURS. HE STARTS TO FEEL GUILTY ABOUT HOW HE TREATED HIS WIFE, AND DECIDES TO GO HOME. AS HE WALKS UP TO THE HOUSE HE NOTICES THAT THE STEPS ARE ALREADY FIXED. AS HE ENTERS THE HOUSE, HE SEES THE HALL LIGHT IS WORKING. AS HE GOES TO GET A BEER, HE NOTICES THE FRIDGE DOOR IS FIXED. “HONEY, HE ASKS, HOW'D ALL THIS GET FIXED”? SHE SAYS, "WELL, WHEN YOU LEFT I SAT OUTSIDE AND CRIED. JUST THEN A NICE YOUNG MAN ASKED ME WHAT WAS WRONG, AND I TOLD HIM. HE OFFERED TO DO ALL THE REPAIRS, AND ALL I HAD TO DO WAS EITHER
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE". HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE"? SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO…
DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD”?
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always lands butter-side down. He rushes round to the presbytery to see Father Flanagan, tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen but won’t say what it is. Instead, he asks Fr Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. Murphy leads Fr Flanagan back to his house, into his kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so the butter is on top.” “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy. “Oh, my Lord!” says Fr Flanagan. “Dropped toast never lands with the butter side up. It’s a mir….” He stood, speechless for a moment, before he continued. “Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round to interview you, take photos and all that.” A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much-needed tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling. “It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
The Australian Tax Office actually commented on this one due to the importance of accuracy in your tax return
The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions. In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators' The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".
The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, "Scooby doobie doobies. I want bigger boobies!” She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack! One morning when she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle on the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?" Yes I am..how did you know?" He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me." "That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`" She said, "`No, I`m not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
The difference between Officers and NCOs (Non Commissioned Officers).
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff. The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out. The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also. The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.' The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*cking ears.'
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Twenty dollars' she whispers. Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer. What's going on here, people?' asks the officer 'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers, sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
Abdul went to the UK for the first time. He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop. In 6 months he did good business. He sends an email to his wife in Wurizistan saying: Please pack up & come to UK. I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 pairs of knickers. I made £50000.-She replies: It is better that you close your shop and come back fast. With 1 mattress & with no knickers, I made £100,000
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you up. But remember - only one moose, please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "Aw, you're just a chicken shit pilot," one of the hunters said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try." They loaded up the plane and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter said, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile gear box over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say there," said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"he old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a gear box."
I got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink ?" I asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend ?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends." "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please." A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend ?" I said, "My wife found out."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown” The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?” The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown” The little white Irishman says: Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. i described a typical day - "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."
GO TO BED WITH HIM OR BAKE HIM A CAKE". HE SAYS, "SO WHAT KIND OF CAKE DID YOU BAKE"? SHE REPLIES, "HELLOOOOO…
DO YOU SEE 'BETTY CROCKER' WRITTEN ON MY FOREHEAD”?
Murphy drops some buttered toast on the kitchen floor and it lands butter-side up. He looks down in astonishment, for he knows that it’s a law of nature of the universe that buttered toast always lands butter-side down. He rushes round to the presbytery to see Father Flanagan, tells the priest that a miracle has occurred in his kitchen but won’t say what it is. Instead, he asks Fr Flanagan to come and see it with his own eyes. Murphy leads Fr Flanagan back to his house, into his kitchen and asks him what he sees on the floor. “Well,” says the priest, “it’s pretty obvious. Someone has dropped some buttered toast on the floor and then, for some reason, they flipped it over so the butter is on top.” “No, Father, I dropped it and it landed like that!” exclaimed Murphy. “Oh, my Lord!” says Fr Flanagan. “Dropped toast never lands with the butter side up. It’s a mir….” He stood, speechless for a moment, before he continued. “Wait… it’s not for me to say it’s a miracle. I’ll have to report this matter to the Bishop and he’ll have to deal with it. He’ll send some people round to interview you, take photos and all that.” A thorough investigation is conducted, not only by the archdiocese but by scientists sent over from the Curia in Rome. No expense is spared. There is great excitement in the town as everyone knows that a miracle will bring in much-needed tourism revenue. Then, after 8 long weeks and with great fanfare, the Bishop announces the final ruling. “It is certain that some kind of an extraordinary event took place in Murphy’s kitchen, quite outside the natural laws of the universe. Yet the Holy See must be very cautious before ruling a miracle. All other explanations must be ruled out. Unfortunately, in this case, it has been declared ‘No Miracle’ because they think that Murphy may have buttered the toast on the wrong side!”
The Australian Tax Office actually commented on this one due to the importance of accuracy in your tax return
The ATO has returned the Tax Return to a man in Townsville after he apparently answered one of the questions. In response to the question, "Do you have anyone dependent on you?" The man wrote: "2.1 million illegal immigrants, 1.1 million crackheads, 4.4 million unemployable scroungers, 80,000 criminals in over 85 prisons plus 450 idiots in Parliament, thousands of 'retired politicians' and an entire group that call themselves 'Senators' The ATO stated that the response he gave was "unacceptable".
The man's response back to ATO was, "Who did I leave out?"
A flat-chested young lady read an article in a magazine that stated Dr. Bumbutu in Africa could enlarge your breasts without surgery. So she decided to go to Dr. Bumbutu to see if he could help her. Dr. Bumbutu advised her, "Every day after your shower, rub your chest and chant, "Scooby doobie doobies. I want bigger boobies!” She did this faithfully for several months, and to her utter amazement she grew to a terrific D-cup rack! One morning when she was running late, got on the bus, and in a panic realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. Frightened she might lose her lovely boobs if she didn't recite the little rhyme, she stood right there in the middle aisle on the bus, closed her eyes and said, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies." A guy sitting nearby looked at her and asked, “Are you a patient of Dr. Bumbutu?" Yes I am..how did you know?" He winked and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock..."
Three guys were working on a high rise building project: Steve, Bill and Charlie. Steve falls off and is killed instantly. As the ambulance takes the body away, Charlie says, "Someone should go and tell his wife." Bill says, "OK, I`m pretty good at that sensitive stuff, I`ll do it." 2 hours later, he comes back carrying a 6-pack. Charlie says, "Where did you get that, Bill?" "Steve`s wife gave it to me." "That`s unbelievable, you told the lady her husband was dead and she gave you the beer?" Bill says,"Well not exactly. When she answered the door, I said to her, `You must be Steve`s widow.`" She said, "`No, I`m not a widow." And I said, "Wanna bet me a six-pack?"
The difference between Officers and NCOs (Non Commissioned Officers).
A young Army officer was severely wounded in the head by a grenade, but the only visible, permanent injury was that both of his ears were amputated. Since his remaining hearing was sufficient, he remained in the Army. Many years later he eventually rose to the rank of Major General. He was, however, very sensitive about his appearance. One day the General was interviewing three servicemen who were candidates for his headquarters staff. The first was a Captain, a tactical helicopter pilot, and it was a great interview. At the end of the interview the General asked him, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' The young officer answered, 'Why, yes, Sir, I couldn't help but notice that you have no ears.' The general was displeased with his lack of tact and threw him out. The second interview was with a Navy Lieutenant, and he was even better. The General then asked him the same question, Do you notice anything different about me?' He replied sheepishly, 'Well, sir, you have no ears.' The General threw him out also. The third interview was with an old Sergeant Major, an Infantryman and staff-trained NCO. He was smart, articulate, fit, looked sharp, and seemed to know more than the two officers combined. The General liked this guy, and went ahead with the same question, 'Do you notice anything different about me?' To his surprise the Sergeant Major said, 'Yes, sir, you wear contact lenses.' The General was very impressed and thought, 'What an incredibly observant NCO, and he didn't mention my ears.' He asked, 'Sergeant Major, how do you know I wear contacts?' 'Well, sir,' the soldier replied, 'it's pretty hard to wear glasses with no f*cking ears.'
A Newfoundlander was walking home late at night and sees a woman in the dark shadows. 'Twenty dollars' she whispers. Perry had never been with a hooker before, but decides what the hell, it's only twenty bucks. So they hide in the bushes. They're going 'at it' for a minute when all of a sudden a light flashes on them. It is a police officer. What's going on here, people?' asks the officer 'I'm making love to me wife!,' the Newfoundlander answers, sounding annoyed. 'Oh, I'm sorry,' says the cop, 'I didn't know.' 'Well, neidder did I, til ya shined that light in her face.'
Abdul went to the UK for the first time. He opened a furniture shop & a lingerie shop. In 6 months he did good business. He sends an email to his wife in Wurizistan saying: Please pack up & come to UK. I sold 100 mattresses and 5000 pairs of knickers. I made £50000.-She replies: It is better that you close your shop and come back fast. With 1 mattress & with no knickers, I made £100,000
Two hunters were off on their annual trip to the wilderness of Canadian to bag moose. As the seaplane landed on the lake in a remote area, the pilot said, "I'll be back in exactly one week to pick you up. But remember - only one moose, please." When he returned to the lake, he found the hunters proudly standing beside two moose. "I told you guys only one moose!" the furious flier screamed. "There's no way the plane can take off with that much weight!" "Aw, you're just a chicken shit pilot," one of the hunters said. "We killed two moose last year and that pilot wasn't afraid to take off." Stung by the suggestion of cowardice, the pilot reconsidered. "All right, if you did it last year, I guess we can try." They loaded up the plane and the pilot taxied to the far end of the lake to begin his takeoff. The plane bounced across the water as it strained to get airborne, but the overloaded aircraft finally ran out of space and crashed into the trees. Some time later, the hunters regained consciousness. "Where are we?" one asked.His friend looked around at the scattered debris, then back at the edge of the lake and replied, "Oh, I'd say about a hundred yards farther than last year."
Two West Virginia rednecks were out hunting, and as they were walking along, they came upon a huge hole in the ground. They approached it and were amazed at its size. The first hunter said, "Wow, that's some hole. I can't even see the bottom. I wonder how deep it is." The second hunter said, "I don't know. Let's throw something down there, listen, and see how long it takes to hit bottom." The first hunter said, "Hey, there's an old automobile gear box over there. Give me a hand and we'll throw it in and see." So they picked up the gear box, carried it over to the hole, counted one-two-three, and heaved it in. They were standing there looking over the edge of the hole and listening when they heard a rustling behind them. As they turned around, they saw a goat come crashing through the underbrush, run up to the hole, and, without hesitation, jump in head first. While they were standing there staring at each other in amazement, they peered into the hole, trying to figure out what that was all about.Just then an old farmer sauntered up. "Say there," said the farmer, "you fellers didn't happen to see my goat around here anywhere, did you?" The first hunter said, "Funny you should ask. We were just standing here a minute ago, and a goat came running out of the bushes doing about a hundred miles an hour and jumped head first into this here hole!"he old farmer said, "Naw, that's impossible. I had him chained to a gear box."
I got chatting to a girl in a club. "Can I buy you a drink ?" I asked. "Have you not got a girlfriend ?" she replied, "Guys like you always have girlfriends." "No, sadly we broke up just over a month ago," I assured her. "Oh I'm sorry to hear that," she said, "Go on then, I'll have a white wine please." A few drinks later after a kiss and a cuddle we headed off back to her place and made passionate love. While I was putting my clothes back on she said, "So, you're good looking, a nice guy and amazing in bed. Can I ask why on earth you split with your girlfriend ?" I said, "My wife found out."
Joe took his blind date to the carnival. "What would you like to do first, Kim?" asked Joe. "I want to get weighed," she said. They ambled over to the weight guesser. He guessed 120 pounds. She got on the scale; it read 117 and she won a prize. Next the couple went on the ferris wheel. When the ride was over, Joe again asked Kim what she would like to do. "I want to get weighed," she said. Back to the weight guesser they went. Since they had been there before, he guessed her correct weight, and Joe lost his dollar. The couple walked around the carnival and again he asked where to next. "I want to get weighed," she responded. By this time, Joe figured she was really weird and took her home early, dropping her off with a handshake. Her roommate, Laura, asked her about the blind date, "How'd it go?" Kim responded, "Oh, Waura, it was wousy."
Skinny little white Irishman gets into an elevator, looks up and sees this HUGE black guy standing next to him. The big guy sees the little Irishman staring at him. He looks down at the Irishman and says: "7 foot tall, 350 pounds, 20 inch penis, 3 pounds of testicles, Turner Brown” The little white Irishman faints dead away and falls to the floor. The big guy kneels down and brings him to, shaking him......The big guy says, "What's wrong with you?” In a weak voice the little guy says, "What EXACTLY did you just say to me?” The big dude says, "Well, I saw your curious look and I figured I'd just give you the answers to the questions everyone always asks me................ I'm 7 foot tall, I weigh 350 pounds, I have a 20 inch penis, my testicles weigh 3 pounds each....and my name is Turner Brown” The little white Irishman says: Turner Brown?!....Sweet Jesus.........I thought you said, "Turn around!"
During my physical examination, my doctor asked me about my physical activity level. i described a typical day - "Well, yesterday afternoon, I took a five hour walk about 7 miles through some pretty rough terrain. I waded along the edge of a lake. I pushed my way through brambles. I got sand in my shoes and my eyes. I avoided standing on a snake. I climbed several rocky hills. took a few 'leaks' behind some big trees. The mental stress of it all left me shattered. At the end of it all I drank eight beers." Inspired by the story, the doctor said, "You must be one hell of an outdoors man!"
"No," I replied, "I'm just a bad golfer."
At the end of the tax year, the IRS office sent an inspector to audit the books of a local hospital. While the IRS agent was checking the books, he turned to the CFO of the hospital and said, "I notice you buy a lot of bandages. What do you do with the end of the roll when there's too little left to be of any use?" Good question noted the CFO. "We save them up and send them back to the bandage company and every once in a while, they send us a free roll." Oh, replied the auditor, somewhat disappointed that his unusual question had a practical answer. But on he went, in his obnoxious way. "What about all these plaster purchases?" "What do you do with what's left over after setting a cast on a patient?" Ah, yes, replied the CFO, realizing that the auditor was trying to trap him with an unanswerable question. "We save it and send it back to the manufacturer and every so often they will send us a free bag of plaster." I see, replied the auditor, thinking hard about how he could fluster the know-it-all CFO. Well, he went on, "What do you do with all the remains from the circumcision surgeries?" "Here, too, we do not waste", answered the CFO. "What we do is save all the little foreskins and send them to the IRS office, and about once a year they send us a complete prick."
Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way, they go past a drugstore and Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob: Are you the owner?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register
our wedding gift list with them!"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mum,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
If you are a Senior you will understand this one. If you deal with Seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, And if you are not a Senior yet........ God willing, someday you will be. The 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Seniors Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'Yes!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' he waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once!
While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that! "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."
There was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Here is a piece of Greek history regarding the Olympic games. 2500 years ago a slave call-girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter. At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed, "Oh! Limp pricks!" .Over the next two and a half millennium that expression morphed into the word “Olympics.” So Now you know. Don't bother to thank me… I enjoy learning about and discussing history.
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder." The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!" Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and Hostile?" "Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?" Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?' 'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
'I call them by their surnames!'
An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?" The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute." "Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!" "Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. oy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" oy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
Jacob (age 92) and Rebecca (age 85) are all excited about their decision to get married. They go for a stroll to discuss the wedding. On the way, they go past a drugstore and Jacob suggests that they go in.
Jacob: Are you the owner?
Pharmacist: Yes.
Jacob: Do you sell heart medication?
Pharmacist: Of course we do.
Jacob: How about medicine for circulation?
Pharmacist: All kinds.
Jacob: Medicine for rheumatism?
Pharmacist: Definitely.
Jacob: How about Viagra?
Pharmacist: Of course.
Jacob: Medicine for memory?
Pharmacist: Yes, a large variety.
Jacob: How about vitamins & sleeping pills?
Pharmacist: Absolutely.
Jacob turns to Rebecca and says, "Sweetheart, we might as well register
our wedding gift list with them!"
Brenda and Steve took their six-year-old son to the doctor. With some hesitation, they explained that although their little angel appeared to be in good health, they were concerned about his rather small penis. After examining the child, the doctor confidently declared, “Just feed him pancakes. That should solve the problem.” The next morning when the boy arrived at breakfast, there was a large stack of warm pancakes in the middle of the table. “Gee, Mum,” he exclaimed, “for me?” “Just take two,” Brenda replied. “The rest are for your father.”
If you are a Senior you will understand this one. If you deal with Seniors, this should help you understand them a little better, And if you are not a Senior yet........ God willing, someday you will be. The 2.99 Special We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the 'Seniors Special' was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $2.99. 'Sounds good,' my wife said, 'But I don't want the eggs.' 'Then, I'll have to charge you $3.49 because you're ordering a la carte,'
the waitress warned her. 'You mean I'd have to pay for not taking the eggs?' my wife asked incredulously. 'Yes!' stated the waitress. 'I'll take the special then,' my wife said. 'How do you want your eggs?' he waitress asked. 'Raw and in the shell,' my wife replied. She took the two eggs home and baked a cake. DON'T MESS WITH SENIORS!!! We've been around the block more than once!
While riding my Harley the other day, I swerved to avoid hitting a deer, lost control and landed in a ditch, severely banging my head. Dazed and confused I crawled out of the ditch to the edge of the road when a shiny new convertible pulled up with a very beautiful women who asked, "Are you okay?" As I looked up, I noticed she was wearing a low cut blouse with cleavage to die for... "I'm okay I think," I replied as I pulled myself up to the side of the car to get a closer look. She said, “Get in and I’ll take you home so I can clean and bandage that nasty scrape on your head.” "That's nice of you," I answered, but I don't think my wife will like me doing that! "Oh, come now, I’m a nurse," she insisted. "I need to see if you have any more scrapes and then treat them properly." Well, she was really pretty and very persuasive. Being sort of shaken and weak, I agreed, but repeated, "I'm sure my wife won't like this." We arrived at her place which was just few miles away and, after a couple of cold beers and the bandaging, I thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better, but I know my wife is going to be really upset so I'd better go now." "Don't be silly!" she said with a smile, while unbuttoning her blouse exposing the most beautiful set I’ve ever seen. "Stay for a while. She won't know anything. By the way, where is she?" "Still in the ditch with my bike I guess."
There was no electricity, the doctor handed the father-to-be a lantern and said, 'Here. You hold this high so I can see what I am doing.' Soon, a baby boy was brought into the world. Whoa there, said the doctor, 'Don't be in such a rush to put that lantern down. I think there's another one coming.' Sure enough, within minutes he had delivered a baby girl. 'Hold that lantern up, don't set it down there's another one!' said the doctor. Within a few minutes he had delivered a third baby. 'No, don't be in a hurry to put down that lantern, it seems there's yet another one coming!' cried the doctor. The redneck scratched his head in bewilderment, and asked the doctor, "You reckon it might be the light that's attractin' 'em?
Here is a piece of Greek history regarding the Olympic games. 2500 years ago a slave call-girl from Sardinia named Gedophamee (pronounced Get-offa'-me) was attending the first athletic festival in Greece. This festival had no name at that time. In those days the athletes performed naked and to prevent unwanted arousal while competing, the men imbibed freely on a drink containing saltpeter. At the opening ceremonial parade of this first great event, Gedophamee observed the first wave of naked athletic males marching toward her and she exclaimed, "Oh! Limp pricks!" .Over the next two and a half millennium that expression morphed into the word “Olympics.” So Now you know. Don't bother to thank me… I enjoy learning about and discussing history.
A man met a beautiful blonde lady and after a short courtship asked her to marry him. She said, 'But we don't know anything about each other.' He said, 'That's all right, we'll learn about each other as we go along.' So she consented, they were married, and off they went on a honeymoon at a resort. One morning they were lying by the pool, when he got up off of his towel, climbed up to the 10 metre board and did a two and a half tuck, followed by three rotations in the pike position, at which point he straightened out and cut the water like a knife. After a few more demonstrations, he came back and lay down on the towel. She said, 'That was incredible!' He said, 'I used to be an Olympic diving champion. You see, I told you we'd learn more about each other as we went along.' So she got up, jumped in the pool and started doing laps. After seventy-five laps she climbed out of the pool, lay down on her towel and was hardly out of breath He said, 'That was incredible! Were you an Olympic endurance swimmer?' 'No,' she said, 'I was a prostitute in Mildura, but I worked both sides of the Murray !!!
Ray and Bob, two Government maintenance guys, were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking up. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of the flagpole", said Bob, "But we don't have a ladder." The woman said, "Hand me that wrench out of your toolbox." She loosened a few bolts, then laid the pole down. She then took a tape measure from their toolbox, took a measurement and announced, "Eighteen feet, six inches" and walked away. Ray shook his head and laughed. "Well, ain't that just like a 'Miss-know-it-all' woman?" he said. "We need the height and she gives us the length!" Ray and Bob are still working for the Government.
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real bastard, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo! So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to the 'violator' for his signature. The bloke signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, "That's so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an Arse Hole!" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his licence, so he hired a big gun lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defence attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client?" Officer responds, "Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH" underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer?" "Aggressive and Hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and Hostile?" "Yes, Sir.
"Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for Arse Hole?" Well, sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client!!!
A woman walks into the City Centrelink office, trailed by 15 kids .. 'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?' 'Yeah, they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats. 'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names.' 'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.' 'OK, and who's next?' 'Well, this one, he is Terry, also.' The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri. 'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?' Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes - it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An' if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry and all of them stop. It's the smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.' The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch
'I call them by their surnames!'
An Irish Girl comes back home for New Year's Eve. Her father asked, "Where have you been all this time? Why did you not write to us, not even a line? Why didn't you call?" The girl crying replied, "Dad, I became a prostitute." "Whaaa!!? Out of here you shameless harlot! You're a disgrace to this family." "OK, daddy. If that's your wish. I just came back to give mum this luxurious fur coat, title deed to a ten bedroom mansion plus a savings certificate for £4 million. For me little brother, this gold Rolex and for you daddy, the sparkling new Mercedes limited edition convertible that's parked outside plus a membership to the country club and an invitation for you all to spend a fun New Years' Eve on board my new yacht in the Riviera, and..." "Now what was it ye said you had become, again?" says dad. Girl, crying again, "A prostitute dad!" "Oh! You scared me half to death, girl! I thought you said a Protestant. Come here and give your old man a hug!"
A woman is having an affair during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9 year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them and hides in the bedroom closet to watch.The woman's husband also comes home.She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, "Dark in here." The man says, "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball." Man - "That's nice." Boy - "Want to buy it?" Man - "No, thanks." Boy - "My dad's outside." Man - "OK, how much?" Boy - "$250" In the next few weeks, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. oy - "Dark in here." Man - "Yes, it is." Boy - "I have a baseball glove." The lover remembering the last time, asks the boy, "How much?" Boy - "$750" Man - "Fine." A few days later, the father says to the boy, "Grab your glove, let's go outside and have a game of catch." The boy says, "I can't, I sold my baseball and my glove." The father asks, "How much did you sell them for?" oy - "$1,000" The father says, "That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that...that is way more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess." They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, "Dark in here." The priest says, "Don't start that shit again."
The Lone Ranger was ambushed and captured by an enemy Indian War Party. The Indian Chief proclaims, "So, you are the great Lone Ranger"... "In honour of the Harvest Festival, YOU will be executed in three days." "Before I kill you, I grant you three requests" "What is your FIRST request?' The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse." The Chief nods and Silver is brought before the Lone Ranger who whispers in Silver's ear, and the horse gallops away. Later that evening, Silver returns with a beautiful blonde woman on his back. As the Indian Chief watches, the blonde enters the Lone Ranger's tent and spends the night. The next morning the Indian Chief admits he's impressed. "You have a very fine and loyal horse", "But I will still kill you in two days." "What is your SECOND request?" The Lone Ranger again asks to speak to his horse. Silver is brought to him, and he again whispers in the horse's ear. As before, Silver takes off and disappears over the horizon. Later that evening, to the Chief's surprise, Silver again returns, this time with a voluptuous brunette, more attractive than the blonde.She enters the Lone Rangers tent and spends the night. The following morning the Indian Chief is again impressed. "You are indeed a man of many talents," "But I will still kill you tomorrow." "What is your LAST request?" The Lone Ranger responds, "I'd like to speak to my horse...alone." The Chief is curious, but he agrees, and Silver is brought to the Lone Ranger's tent. Once they're alone, the Lone Ranger grabs Silver by both ears, looks him square in the eye and says, "Listen Very Carefully!!! FOR...THE...LAST...TIME...
"BRING POSSE, NOT PUSSY!"
The only cow in a small English town stopped giving milk. The people did some research and found that they could buy a cow just across the country in Wales for £200. They brought the cow from Wales and the cow was wonderful. It produced lots of milk all of the time, and the people were very happy. They decided to acquire a bull to mate with the cow to produce more cows like it. They would never have to worry about their milk supply again. They bought the bull and put it in the pasture with their beloved cow. However, whenever the bull tried to mount the cow, the cow would move away. No matter what approach the bull tried, the cow would move away from the bull and he could not succeed in his quest. The people were very upset and decided to ask the Vet, who was very wise, what to do. They told the Vet what was happening. "Whenever the bull tries to mount our cow, she moves away. If he approaches from the back, she moves forward. When he approaches her from the front, she backs off. An attempt from the side, she walks away to the other side." The Vet thought about this for a minute and asked, "Did you by chance, buy this cow in Wales?" The people were dumbfounded, since no one had ever mentioned where they bought the cow. "You are truly a wise Vet," they said. "How did you know we got the cow in Wales?" The Vet replied with a distant look in his eye, "My wife is from Wales."
An Irishman was drinking in a bar in London when he gets a call on his cell phone. He orders drinks for everybody in the bar as he announces his wife has just produced a typical Irish baby boy weighing 25 pounds.Nobody can believe that any new baby can weigh in at 25 pounds, but the man just shrugs, "That's about average up our way, folks... like I said . my boy's names Graeme, a typical County Clare baby boy." Two weeks later the man returns to the bar. The bartender says, "Say, you're the father of that typical Irish baby that weighed 25 pounds at birth, aren't you? Everybody's been making' bets about how big he'd be in two weeks .... so how much does he weigh now?" The proud father answers, "Seventeen pounds." The bartender is puzzled and concerned. "What happened? He was 25 pounds the day he was born." The father takes a slow swig of his Jameson Irish Whisky, wipes his lips on his shirt sleeve, leans into the bartender and proudly says:"Had Graeme circumcised."
A chemist, a biologist and an Irish electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in. ”No, ” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” “No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released. Then the Irish electrical engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner. “Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator: "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...What the hell is she talking about?
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish… A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’ wife; had sex with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things… But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician. “In fact I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.” Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
A chemist, a biologist and an Irish electrical engineer were on death row waiting to go in the electric chair. The chemist was brought forward first. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner, strapping him in. ”No, ” replied the chemist. The executioner flicked the switch and nothing happened. Under State law, if an execution attempt fails, the prisoner is to be released, so the chemist was released. Then the biologist was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” “No, just get on with it.” The executioner flicked the switch, and again nothing happened, so the biologist was released. Then the Irish electrical engineer was brought forward. “Do you have anything you want to say?” asked the executioner. “Yes,” replied the engineer. “If you swap the red and the blue wires over, you might make this thing work.”
I came home from the golf course today. The wife had left a note on the refrigerator: "IT'S NOT WORKING, I can't take it anymore! Gone to stay with my mother." I opened the fridge, the light came on, and the beer was cold...What the hell is she talking about?
A Priest was being honored at his retirement dinner after 25 years in the parish… A leading local politician and member of the congregation was chosen to make the presentation and to give a little speech at the dinner. However he was delayed, so the Priest decided to say his own few words while they waited: “I got my first impression of the parish from the first confession I heard here. I thought I had been assigned to a terrible place. The very first person who entered my confessional told me he had stolen a television set and, when questioned by the police, was able to lie his way out of it. He had stolen money from his parents; embezzled from his employer; had an affair with his boss’ wife; had sex with his boss’ 17 year old daughter on numerous occasions, taken illegal drugs; had several homosexual affairs; was arrested several times for public nudity and gave VD to his sister-in-law. I was appalled that one person could do so many awful things… But as the days went on I learned that my people were not all like that and I had, indeed, come to a fine parish full of good and loving people.” Just as the Priest finished his talk the politician arrived full of apologies at being late. He immediately began to make the presentation and gave his talk: “I’ll never forget the first day our parish Priest arrived” said the politician. “In fact I had the honour of being the first person to go to him for confession.” Moral: Never, Never, Never Be Late
A father told his 3 sons when he sent them to the university: "I feel it is my duty to provide you with the best education possible, and you do not owe me anything for providing that. However, I want you to appreciate it. As a token, I want each of you to put $1,000 into my coffin when I die.” And so it happened. His sons became a doctor, a lawyer, and a financial planner, each very successful financially. When their father’s time had come and they saw their father in the coffin, they remembered his wish. First, it was the doctor who put 20 x $50 notes onto the chest of the deceased. Then, came the financial planner, who also put $1,000 on his father’s chest. Finally, it was the heartbroken lawyer's turn. He reached into his jacket pocket, took out his check book, wrote a check for $3,000, put it into his father's coffin, and took the $2,000 cash. He later went on to become a Member of Parliament...
Yesterday, I was at my local Woolies buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog..! What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn't, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 13 Kilos before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and the way it works, is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. (I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralled with my story). Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the Dog Food poisoned me. I told her no, that I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Woolies. Didn't like shopping there anyway! Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of crazy things to say.
A wife asks her husband, "Could you please go shopping for me and buy one carton of milk and if they have avocados, get 6. A short time later the husband comes back with 6 cartons of milk. The wife asks him, "Why did you buy 6 cartons of milk?" He replied, "They had avocados." If you're a woman, I'm sure you're going back to read it again! Men will get it the first time. My work is done here.
WIFE: "There is trouble with the car. It has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "Water in the carburetor? That's ridiculous " WIFE: "I tell you the car has water in the carburetor." HUSBAND: "You don't even know what a carburetor is. I'll check it out. Where's the car? WIFE: "In the pool"
A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC THIS IS A FRIGHTENING STATISTIC, PROBABLY ONE OF THE MOST WORRYSOME IN RECENT YEARS. 25% of the women in this country are on medication for mental illness. That's scary. It means 75% are running around untreated.
Husband and wife had a tiff. Wife called up her mom and said, "He fought with me again, I am coming to live with you."
Mom said, "No darling, he must pay for his mistake. I am coming to live with you.
Today's Short Reading from the Bible...From Genesis: "And God promised men that good and obedient wives would be found in all corners of the earth." Then He made the earth round...and He laughed and laughed and laughed!
A family is at the dinner table. The son asks his father, "Dad, how many kinds of boobs are there?" The father, surprised, answers, "Well, son, there are three kinds of boobs. In her 20s, a woman's are like melons, round and firm In her 30s to 40s, they are like pears, still nice but hanging a bit. After 50, they are like onions." "Onions?" "Yes, you see them and they make you cry." This infuriated his wife and daughter, so the daughter said, "Mum, how many kinds of "willies" are there?" The mother, surprised, smiled and answered, "Well, dear, a man goes through three phases. In his 20's, his willy is like an oak tree, mighty and hard. In his 30s and 40s, it is like a birch, flexible but reliable. After his 50s, it is like a Christmas tree." "A Christmas tree?" "Yes. The tree is dead, and the balls are just for decoration."
A farmer from Queensland got pulled over by Robocop (Motorcycle) for speeding, and the cop started to lecture the farmer about his speed and, in general, began to throw his weight around to try to make the farmer uncomfortable. Finally, the copper got around to writing out the ticket, and as he was doing that he kept swatting at some flies that were buzzing around his head. The farmer said, "Having some problems with circle flies there, are ya?" The cop stopped writing the ticket and said—"Well yeah, if that's what they are—I never heard of circle flies." So the farmer says, "Well, circle flies are common on farms. See, they're called circle flies because they're almost always found circling around the arse of a horse." The cop says, "Oh," and goes back to writing the ticket. Then after a minute he stops and says, "Hey… wait a minute, are you trying to call me a horse's arse?" The farmer says, "Oh no, Officer. I have too much respect for law enforcement and police officers to even think about calling you a horse's ass." The copper says, "Well, that's a good thing," and goes back to writing the ticket. After a long pause, the farmer says, "Hard to fool them flies though!
Here I was, sitting at the bar, staring at my drink, when a large trouble-making biker steps up next to me, grabs my drink, and gulps it down in one swig. "Well, whatcha gonna do about it?" he says, menacingly, as I burst into tears.
"Come on, man," the biker says, "I didn't think you'd CRY. I can't stand to see a man crying." "This is the worst day of my life," I say. "I'm a complete failure. I was late to a meeting and my boss fired me. When I went to the parking lot, I found my car had been stolen and I don't have any insurance. I left my wallet in the cab I took home. I found my wife with another man, and then my dog bit me." "So I came to this bar to work up the courage to put an end to it all. I buy a drink, I drop a capsule in, and sit here watching the poison dissolve. Then you show up and drink the whole thing! "But enough about me, how's your day going?"
Ever since I was a child, I'd always had a fear of someone under my bed at night. So I went to a shrink and told him: “I've got problems. Every time I go to bed I think there's somebody under it. I'm scared. I think I'm going crazy” "Just put yourself in my hands for one year," said the shrink. "Come talk to me three times a week and we should be able to get rid of those fears.” “How much do you charge?” “One hundred fifty dollars per visit,” replied the doctor. “I'll sleep on it,” I said. Six months later the doctor met me on the street. “Why didn't you come to see me about those fears you were having?” He asked.
“Well, $150 a visit, three times a week for a year, is $23,400.00. A bartender cured me for $10.00. I was so happy to have saved all that money that I went and bought a new pickup truck.” “Is that so?” With a bit of an attitude he said, “and how, may I ask, did a bartender cure you?” “He told me to cut the legs off the bed. Ain't nobody under there now.”
It's always better to get a second opinion .
Shamus and Murphy fancied a pint or two but didn't have a lot of money between them, they could only raise the staggering sum of one Euro. Murphy said 'Hang on, I have an idea.' He went next door to the butcher's shop and came out with one large sausage. Shamus said 'Are you crazy? Now we don't have any money at all!' Murphy replied, 'Don't worry - just follow me.' He went into the pub where he immediately ordered two pints of Guinness and two glasses of Jamieson Whisky. Shamus said 'Now you've lost it. Do you know how much trouble we will be in? We haven't even got any money to pay for these drinks !!' Murphy replied, with a smile. 'Don't worry, I have a plan , Cheers! ' They downed their Drinks. Murphy said, 'OK, now here's the plan. I'll stick the sausage through my zipper and you go on your knees and put it in your mouth.' The barman immediately noticed them, went berserk, and threw them out. They continued this, pub after pub, getting more and more drunk, all for free. At the tenth pub Shamus said 'Murphy - I don't think I can do any more of this. I'm absolutely drunk and me knees are killing me!' Murphy said, 'How do you think I feel? I can't even remember which pub I lost the sausage in.
The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asked anxiously. "What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ...and guess what I found? Your daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy! This is unforgivable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There’s something very odd about that. Jean would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go and speak to her and find out what happened." A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said, "I told you there must be a simple explanation --- she didn't receive your email."
A group of male friends, all turning 40, discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses had big breasts and wore mini-skirts. Ten years later, at age 50, the friends once again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the waitresses were attractive. The food and service was good and the beer selection was excellent. Ten years later, at age 60, the friends again discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because there was plenty of parking, they could dine in peace and quiet with no loud music, and it was good value for money. Ten years later, at age 70, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because the restaurant had no steps and had a toilet for the disabled. Ten years later, at age 80, the friends discussed where they should meet for lunch. Finally it was agreed that they would meet at Wetherspoons because they had never been there before.
A farmer stopped by the local mechanics shop to have his truck fixed. They couldn't do it while he waited, so he said he didn't live far and would just walk home. On the way home he stopped at the hardware Store and bought a bucket and a gallon of paint. He then stopped by the feed store and picked up a couple of chickens and a goose. However, struggling outside the store he now had a problem - how to carry his entire purchases home. While he was scratching his head he was approached by a little old lady who told him she was lost. She asked, 'Can you tell me how to get to 1603 Mockingbird Lane ?' The farmer said, 'Well, as a matter of fact, my farm is very close to that house I would Walk you there but I can't carry this lot.' The old lady suggested, 'Why don't you put the can of paint in the bucket. Carry the bucket in one hand, put a chicken under each arm and carry the goose in your other hand?' 'Why, thank you very much,' he said and proceeded to walk the old girl home. On the way he says, 'Let's take my short cut and go down this alley. We'll be there in no time.' The little old lady looked him over cautiously then said, 'I am a lonely widow without a husband to defend me. How do I know that when we get in the alley you won't hold me up against the wall, pull up my skirt, and have your way with me?' The farmer said, 'Holy smokes lady! I'm carrying a bucket, a gallon of paint, two chickens, and a goose. How in the world could I possibly hold you up against the wall and do that?' The old lady replied, 'Set the goose down, cover him with the bucket, put the paint on top of the bucket, and I'll hold the chickens.'
Confucius Say: Kiss is merely shopping upstairs, for merchandise downstairs.
Confucius Say: Better to lose a lover than love a loser.
Confucius Say: Man with broken condom often called Daddy
Confucius Say: Sex is same as bank account. You put it in, you take it out....you lose interest.
Confucius Say: Viagra just like Disneyland ...One hour wait for 5 minute ride.
Confucius Say: Much better to want the mate you do not have than to have the mate you do not want.
Confucius Say: Joke is like sex. Neither any good if you don't get it.
A man walks into a restaurant with a full-grown ostrich behind him, and as he sits, the waitress comes over and asks for their order.vThe man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and turns to the ostrich. "What's yours?" "I'll have the same," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress returns with the order. "That will be £6.40 please," and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment. The next day, the man and the ostrich come again and the man says, "I'll have a hamburger, fries and a coke," and the ostrich says, "I'll have the same." Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change. This becomes a routine until late one evening, the two enter again.
"The usual?" asks the waitress. "No, this is Friday night, so I will have a steak, baked potato and salad," says the man. "Same for me," says the ostrich. A short time later the waitress comes with the order and says, "That will be £12.62." Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the table. The waitress can't hold back her curiosity any longer. "Excuse me, sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?" "Well," says the man, "several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I would just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money would always be there." "That's brilliant!" says the waitress. "Most people would wish for a million pounds or something, but you'll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!"
"That's right! Whether it's a litre of milk or Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there," says the man. The waitress asks, "One other thing, sir, what's with the ostrich?" The man sighs and answers, "My second wish was for a tall chick with long legs who agrees with everything I say!"
\
As soon as she had finished convent school, a bright young girl named Lena shook the dust of Ireland off her shoes and made her way to New York where before long, she became a successful performer in show business. Eventually she returned to her home town for a visit and on a Saturday night went to confession in the church, which she had always attended as a child. In the confessional Father Sullivan recognized her and began asking her about her work. She explained that she was an acrobatic dancer, and he wanted to know what that meant. She said she would be happy to show him the kind of thing she did on stage. She stepped out of the confessional and within sight of Father Sullivan, she went into a series of cartwheels, leaping splits, handsprings and backflips. Kneeling near the confessional, waiting their turn, were two middle-aged ladies. They witnessed Lena’s acrobatics with wide eyes, and one said to the other: “Will you just look at the penance Father Sullivan is givin’ out this night, and me without me bloomers on!”
There is this little town in the Midwest, and the whole area has been hit hard by drought for years. In this town, was a little Church that served all the farmers, and every Sunday, all the farmers and their families would come to Church and pray for rain. The Pastor would tell the congregation every week that they needed to pray more. One week, one man finally stood up and said, preacher, every week we come here and pray, and you tell us we need to pray more, but nothing changes. The preacher replies, that is because you do not have enough Faith! The man angrily responds, WHAT? what do you mean, we do not have Faith, we are here week after week, praying! The preacher calmly says, yes, but how many people do you see with umbrellas?
While in China, an American man is sexually promiscuous and does not use a condom the entire time he is there.
A week after arriving back home in the States, he wakes one morning to find his penis covered with bright green and purple spots. Horrified, he immediately goes to see a doctor. The doctor, never having seen anything like this before, orders some tests and tells the man to return in two days for the results. The man returns a couple of days later and the doctor says, “I’ve got bad news for you, you’ve contracted Mongolian VD. It’s very rare and almost unheard of here in the US. We know very little about it.” The man looks a little perplexed and says, "Well, give me a shot or something and fix me up, Doc.” The doctor answers, "I’m sorry, there's no known cure. We’re going to have to amputate your penis”. The man screams in horror, "Absolutely not! I want a second opinion!!!” The doctor replies, "Well, it’s your choice. Go ahead, if you want, but surgery is your only option.” The next day, the man seeks out a Chinese doctor, figuring that he’ll know more about the disease. The Chinese doctor examines his penis and proclaims, "Ah, yes, Mongolian VD. Vewy ware disease”. The guy says to the doctor, "Yeah, yeah, I already know that, but what can we do? My American doctor wants to cut off my penis!” The Chinese doctor shakes his head and laughs. "Stupid American docttah, always want opawate. Make more money dat way. No need amputate!" "Oh, thank God!” the man exclaims. "Yes,” says the Chinese doctor, "Wait two week. Fall off by itself!”
You've all heard of the Air Force's ultra-high-security, super-secret base in Nevada, known simply as "Area 51?" Well, late one afternoon, the Air Force folks out at Area 51 were very surprised to see a Cessna landing at their "secret" base. They immediately impounded the aircraft and hauled the pilot into an interrogation room. The pilot's story was that he took off from Vegas, got lost, and spotted the Base just as he was about to run out of fuel. The Air Force started a full FBI background check on the pilot and held him overnight during the investigation. By the next day, they were finally convinced that the pilot really was lost and wasn't a spy. They gassed up his airplane, gave him a terrifying "you-did-not-see-a-base" briefing, complete with threats of spending the rest of his life in prison, told him Vegas was that-a-way on such-and-such a heading, and sent him on his way. The day after that though, to the total disbelief of the Air Force, the same Cessna showed up again. Once again, the MP's surrounded the plane... Only this time there were two people in the plane. The same pilot jumped out and said, "Do anything you want to me, but my wife is in the plane and you have to tell her where I was last night!"
A Greek and an Italian were talking one day, discussing who had the superior culture. Over coffee, the Greek says "Well, we built the Parthenon." The Italian replies "We built the Coliseum." The Greek retorts "We Greeks gave birth to mathematics." The Italian, nodding, says "But we built the Roman Empire ". And so on and so on until the Greek comes up with what he thinks will end the discussion. With a flourish of finality he says "We invented sex!"
The Italian replies "That is true, but it was the Italians who included women.
An elderly woman walked into the Royal Bank of Ireland one morning with a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savings account and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money. After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to the president's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied, '$165,000' The president was curious and asked her how she had been able to save so much money . The elderly woman replied that she made bets.
The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000 that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like that.
The woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?' 'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But given the amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at 10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.'
No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently. That night, the president became very nervous about the bet and spent a long time in front of the mirror examining his testicles, turning them this way and that, checking them over again and again until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderly woman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square. The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before. Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly. The president was happy to oblige. The elderly woman came closer so she could see better and asked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.' The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his head against the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock this morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Royal Bank of Ireland .'
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on 'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students. This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten up the mood. He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.' It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom.
Saturday morning the weather was too bad to play golf. I was bored with nothing to do.
Suddenly there was a knock on the door. I opened it to find a young, well dressed man standing there who said: "Hello sir, I'm a Jehovah's Witness. " So I said, "Come in and sit down." I offered him a fresh cup of coffee and asked, "What do you want to talk about?" He said, "Buggered if I know. Nobody's ever let me in before."
Prayer for Grandpa
Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer. Amen
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?" The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.. "Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie. The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations reveal that the frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. For instance: North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more). Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
Dear God, please send clothes for all those poor ladies on grandpa's computer. Amen
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks, "What's in the bag?" The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about 12 inches tall, and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a tiny piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag again and pulls out a tiny piano bench. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a Mozart piano concerto.. "Where on earth did you get that?" asked the surprised bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says, "Here - Rub it." So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him. "I will grant you one wish - just one," said the genie. The bartender gets excited and, without hesitating, he says, "I want a million bucks!" A few moments later a duck walks into the bar. Another duck, then another soon follow it. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says, "You know, I think your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks." The man replies, "Do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?"
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions.
Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts."
I rest my case. Time for another beer, and then maybe a nap.
Statistics just released from Statistics Canada and The United Nations reveal that the frequency of sexual activity of senior males depends on where they were born. For instance: North American, Australian, New Zealanders and British men between 60 and 80 years of age, will on average, have sex two to three times per week, (and a small number a lot more). Whereas Japanese men, in exactly the same age group, will have sex only once or twice per year if they are lucky. This has come as very upsetting news to both me and most of my buddies at the golf club, as none of us had any idea that we were Japanese.
In Australia, the curbside garbage carts are called "wheelie bins." A garbage collector is driving along a Sydney street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his rubbish truck. He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out. In the spirit of kindness and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck, goes to the front door and knocks.
There's no answer. Being a conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually, a apanese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Japanese man. "G'day mate, where's ya' bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toilet," explains the Japanese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again.
"No mate, where's ya' dust bin?" "I dust been to toilet, I toll you!'' says the Japanese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the garbage collector. "You're misunderstanding me. I mean, where's ya' wheelie bin?'" "OK, OK. " replies the Japanese man with a sheepish grin, and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!!!"
A golfer was involved in a terrible car crash and was rushed to the hospital. Just before he was put under, the surgeon popped in to see him. "I have some good news and some bad news," says the surgeon. "The bad news is that I have to remove your right arm!" "Oh God no!" cries the man "My golfing is over! Please Doc, what's the good news?" "The good news is, I have another one to replace it with, but it's a woman's arm and I'll need your permission before I go ahead with the transplant." "Go for it doc," says the man, "as long as I can play golf again." The operation went well and a year later the man was out on the golf course when he bumped into the surgeon. "Hi, how's the new arm?" asks the surgeon. "Just great," says the businessman. "I'm playing the best golf of my life. My new arm has a much finer touch and my putting has really improved." "That's great," said the surgeon. "Not only that," continued the golfer, "my handwriting has improved, I've learned how to sew my own clothes and I've even taken up painting landscapes in watercolors." "That's unbelievable!" said the surgeon, "I'm so glad to hear the transplant was such a great success. Are you having any side effects?" "Well, just two, said the golfer, "I have trouble parallel parking and every time I get an erection, I get a headache."
A priest says to his friend, the rabbi, that he has a perfect way of eating for free in restaurants. "I go in at well past 9.00 PM in the evening, eat several courses slowly, linger over coffee, port and a cigar. Come 2.00 AM, as they are clearing everything away, I just keep sitting there until eventually a waiter comes up and asks me to pay. Then I say: 'I've already paid your colleague who has left...' Because I am a man of the cloth, they take my word for it, and I leave." The rabbi is impressed, and says: "Let's try it together this evening." So the priest books them into a restaurant and come 2.00 AM they are both still quietly sitting there after a very full meal. Sure enough, a waiter comes over and asks them to pay. The priest just says: "I've already paid your colleague who has left." And then the rabbi adds: "And we’re still waiting for our change!"
HELGA'S DIARY ON A CRUISE SHIP
DEAR DIARY - DAY 1 All packed for the cruise ship -- all my nicest dresses, swimsuits, short sets. Really, really exciting. Our local Red Hat chapter - The Late Bloomers decided on this 'all-girls' trip. It will be my first one - and I can't wait!
-------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 2 Entire day at sea, beautiful. Saw whales and dolphins. Met the Captain today -- seems like a very nice man.
-----------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 3 At the pool today. Did some shuffleboard, hit golf balls off the deck. The Captain invited me to join him at his table for dinner. Felt honoured and had a wonderful time. He is very attractive and attentive.
----------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 4 Won $800 in the ship's casino. The Captain asked me to have dinner with him in his own cabin. Had a scrumptious meal complete with caviar and champagne. He asked me to stay the night, but I declined. Told him I could not be unfaithful to my husband.
-----------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 5 Pool again today. Got sunburned, and I went inside to drink at piano-bar, stayed there for rest of day. The Captain saw me, bought me several large drinks. Really is quite charming. Again asked me to visit his cabin for the night. Again I declined. He told me, if I did not let him have his way with me, he would sink the ship... I was shocked.
---------------------------------------
DEAR DIARY - DAY 6 Today I saved 2600 lives.......Twice
All the members of the company's Board of Directors were called into the Chairman's office, one after another, until
only Ted, the junior member, was left sitting outside. Finally it was his turn to be summoned. Ted entered the office to find the Chairman and the other four Directors seated at the far end of the boardroom table. Ted was instructed to stand at the other end of the table, which he did. The Chairman looked Ted squarely in the eye, and with a stern voice, he asked: "Have you ever had sex with my secretary, Miss Floyd?" "Oh, no, sir, positively not...!" Ted replied. "Are you absolutely sure...?" asked the chairman. "Honest, I've never been close enough to even touch her...!" "You'd swear to that...?" "Yes, I swear I've never had sex with Miss Floyd, anytime, anywhere…" insisted Ted.
"Good. Then YOU fire her."
An elderly Florida lady did her shopping and, upon returning to her car, found four males in the act of leaving with her vehicle.
She dropped her shopping bags and drew her handgun, proceeding to scream at the top of her lungs, "I have a gun, and I know how to use it! Get out of the car - NOW!" The four men didn't wait for a second threat. They got out and ran like mad. The lady, somewhat shaken, then proceeded to load her shopping bags into the back of the car and got into the driver's seat. She was so shaken that she could not get her key into the ignition. She tried and tried, and then she realized why. It was for the same reason she had wondered why there was a football, a Frisbee, and two 12-packs of beer in the front seat. A few minutes later, she found her own car parked four or five spaces farther down. She loaded her bags into her own car and drove to the police station to report her mistake. The Sergeant to whom she told the story couldn't stop laughing. He pointed to the other end of the counter, where four pale men were reporting a carjacking by a mad, elderly woman described as white, less than five feet tall, glasses, curly white hair, and carrying a large handgun. No charges were filed. Moral of the story? If you're going to have a senior moment... make it memorable
NORTH KOREA TO SEND MAN TO THE SUN BY 2028!
Kim Jong-un announced that North Korea would be sending a man to the sun within ten years! Reporter - "But the sun is very hot. How can your man land on it?" There was a stunned silence. Nobody knew how to react. Then Kim Jong-un quietly answered "We will land at night". The entire audience broke out in thunderous applause! Donald Trump heard what Kim had said and sneered - "What an idiot. There is no sun at night time!" And his people responded with thunderous applause!
While golfing, Alan a senior gentleman accidentally overturned his golf cart late one afternoon. A very attractive, young, female golfer, who lived in a villa on the golf course, heard the noise and called out, "Are you OK?” "I’m OK, thanks," he replied, as he pulled himself out of the twisted cart. She said, "Come up to my villa, rest a while, and I’ll help you get the cart up later." The old guy noticed her silky bathrobe was partially open, revealing what appeared to be a very nice figure. "That’s mighty nice of you," he answered, "but I don’t think my wife would like it." "Oh, come on now!" she insisted. She was so pretty, and very, very persuasive. He was weak. "Well, OK," he finally agreed. After a couple of Scotch and sodas, he thanked her and said, "I feel a lot better now. But I know my wife is going to be really upset. So I’d better go now." "Don’t be silly!" she said with a smile, letting her robe fall slightly more open. "Stay for a while. Your wife won’t know anything. By the way, where is she?" He replied, "Still under the cart, I suppose."
She wanted to serve her guests mushroom-smothered steak but she had no mushrooms and no time to buy them.Her husband suggested, "Why don't you go pick some of the mushrooms thatare growing wild down by the stream? No, some wild mushrooms are poisonous." "Well, I see squirrels eating them and they're OK." So she picked a bunch and washed, sliced and sautéed them for her dinner. Then she went out on the back porch and gave Spot, their dog, a double handful. Spot ate every bite All morning long, she watched the dog The wild mushrooms hadn't affected him after a few hours, so she decided to use them The meal was a great success. After everyone had finished, her daughter came in and whispered in her ear, Mum, Spot is dead." Trying to keep her head about her, she left the room as quickly as possible, Called the doctor and told him what had happened. The doctor said, "That's bad, but I think we can take care of it. I'll call for an ambulance and I'll be there as quickly as I can. We'll give everyone enemas and we'll pump out their stomach and everything will be fine. Just keep them calm." Before long they started to hear the sirens as the ambulance tore down the road. The Paramedics and the doctor had their suitcases, syringes, and a stomach pump. One by one, they took each person into the bathroom, gave them an enema and pumped out their stomach Well after midnight, after the last one was done the doctor came out and said, "Everything will be okay now, and with that he left. The hosts and the guests were all weak and knackered sitting around the Living room when the daughter came in and said to her mum "I can't believe that guy!" "What guy?" "You know, that bastard who ran over Spot; he never even slowed down."
A motorcycle police officer stops a driver for shooting through a red light. The driver is a real jerk, steps out of his car and comes striding toward the officer, demanding to know why he is being harassed by the Gestapo !
So the officer calmly tells him of the red light violation. The motorist instantly goes on a tirade, questioning the officer's ancestry, sexual orientation, etc., in rather explicit offensive terms. The tirade goes on and on without the officer saying anything. When the officer finishes writing the ticket he puts an "AH" in the lower right corner of the narrative portion of the ticket. He then hands it to The 'violator' for his signature. The guy signs the ticket angrily, and when presented with his copy points to the "AH" and demands to know what it stands for. The officer says, “That’s so when we go to court, I'll remember that you're an asshole !" Two months later they're in court. The 'violator' has a bad driving record with a high number of points and is in danger of losing his license, so he hired a lawyer to represent him. On the stand the officer testifies to seeing the man run through the red light. Under cross examination the defense attorney asks; "Officer is this a reasonable facsimile of the ticket that you issued to my client ?" Officer responds, “Yes, sir, that is the defendant's copy, his signature and mine, same number at the top." Lawyer: "Officer, is there any particular marking or notation on this ticket you don't normally make ?" "Yes, sir, in the lower right corner of the narrative there is an "AH," underlined." "What does the "AH" stand for, officer ?" "Aggressive and hostile, Sir." "Aggressive and hostile ?" "Yes, Sir. "Officer, are you sure it doesn't stand for asshole ?" Well, Sir, you know your client better than I do.
How often can one get an attorney to convict his own client ?
I went through the McDonald's driveway window and I gave the cashier a $5 note. Our total was $4.25, so I also handed her 25c. She said, 'you gave me too much money.' I said, 'Yes I know, but this way you can just give me a dollar coin
back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.
IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.
IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
I live in a semi-rural area.. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O.
IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT! They walk among us...!
DEMENTIA QUIZ
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE.. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?
SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT..... MAYBE...
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU?NO!OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I..E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
Warning about eBay Warning about eBay -- Be careful what you buy on eBay! If you buy things on-line, check out the seller carefully. A friend has just spent $295 on a penis enlarger. The bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight".
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Murphy applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job." Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job. "Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong ." Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another Manager "That's simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of “Mixed Emotions: The husband turned to his wife and said “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife said, “Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick”.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas
pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" he older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near
Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.”Do you live around here?" she asked."Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
cent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
The phone rings and a woman answers.
A pervert, breathing heavily, says. "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair!"
The woman replies. "Yes I do. He's watching golf. Who shall I say is calling?"
back.' She sighed and went to get the manager who asked me to repeat my request. I did so, and he handed me back the 25c, and said 'We're sorry but we don't do that kind of thing.' The cashier then proceeded to give me back 75 cents in change. Do not confuse the people at MacD's in Shepperton Vic.
IDIOT SIGHTING 2:
We had to have the garage door repaired. The repairman told us that one of our problems was that we did not have a 'large' enough motor on the opener I thought for a minute, and said that we had the largest one made at that time, a 1/2 horsepower. He shook his head and said, 'You need a 1/4 horsepower.' I responded that 1/2 was larger than 1/4 and he said, 'NOOO, it's not. Four is larger than two.'We haven't used that repairman since. Happened in Bankstown NSW.
IDIOT SIGHTING 3:
I live in a semi-rural area.. We recently had a new neighbour call the local council to request the removal of the WOMBAT CROSSING sign on our road. The reason: 'Too many wombats are being hit by cars out here! I don't think this is a good place for them to be crossing anymore.'
IDIOT SIGHTING 4:
My daughter went to a Mexican takeaway and ordered a taco. She asked the person behind the counter for 'minimal lettuce.' He said he was sorry, but they only had iceberg lettuce.
IDIOT SIGHTING 5:
I was at the airport, checking in at the gate when an airport employee asked, 'Has anyone put anything in your baggage without your knowledge?' To which I replied, 'If it was without my knowledge, how would I know?' He smiled knowingly and nodded, 'That's why we ask.'
IDIOT SIGHTING 6:
The pedestrian light on the corner beeps when it's safe to cross the street. I was crossing with an 'intellectually challenged' co-worker of mine. She asked if I knew what the beeper was for. I explained that it signals blind people when the light is red.
Appalled, she responded, 'What on earth are blind people doing driving?!' She is a government employee in the Adelaide P.O.
IDIOT SIGHTING 7:
When my husband and I arrived at a car dealership to pick up our car after a service, we were told the keys had been locked in it. We went to the service department and found a mechanic working feverishly to unlock the driver's side door. As I watched from the passenger side, I instinctively tried the door handle and discovered that it was unlocked. 'Hey,' I announced to the technician, 'it’s open!' His reply, 'I know. I already did that side.'
STAY ALERT! They walk among us...!
DEMENTIA QUIZ
FIRST QUESTION:
YOU ARE A PARTICIPANT IN A RACE.. YOU OVERTAKE THE SECOND PERSON. WHAT POSITION ARE YOU IN?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER : IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE FIRST, THEN YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY WRONG! IF YOU OVERTAKE THE
SECOND PERSON AND YOU TAKE HIS PLACE, YOU ARE IN SECOND PLACE!
TRY TO DO BETTER NEXT TIME.
NOW ANSWER THE SECOND QUESTION,
BUT DON'T TAKE AS MUCH TIME AS
YOU TOOK FOR THE FIRST QUESTION, OK?
SECOND QUESTION:
IF YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON, THEN YOU ARE....?
(SCROLL DOWN)
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
ANSWER: IF YOU ANSWERED THAT YOU ARE SECOND TO LAST, THEN YOU ARE.....
WRONG AGAIN. TELL ME SUNSHINE, HOW CAN YOU OVERTAKE THE LAST PERSON??
YOU'RE NOT VERY GOOD AT THIS, ARE YOU?
THIRD QUESTION:
VERY TRICKY ARITHMETIC! NOTE: THIS MUST BE DONE IN YOUR HEAD ONLY. DO NOT USE PAPER AND PENCIL OR A CALCULATOR. TRY IT.
TAKE 1000 AND ADD 40 TO IT. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000 NOW ADD 30.
ADD ANOTHER 1000. NOW ADD 20 .. NOW ADD ANOTHER 1000.
NOW ADD 10. WHAT IS THE TOTAL?
SCROLL DOWN FOR THE CORRECT ANSWER.....
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU GET 5000?
THE CORRECT ANSWER IS ACTUALLY 4100... IF YOU DON'T BELIEVE IT, CHECK IT WITH A CALCULATOR! TODAY IS DEFINITELY NOT YOUR DAY, IS IT? MAYBE YOU'LL GET THE LAST QUESTION RIGHT..... MAYBE...
FOURTH QUESTION:
MARY'S FATHER HAS FIVE DAUGHTERS:
- NANA, 2. NENE, 3. NINI, 4. NONO, AND ???
- WHAT IS THE NAME OF THE FIFTH DAUGHTER?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
DID YOU ANSWER NUNU?NO!OF COURSE IT ISN'T.
HER NAME IS MARY! READ THE QUESTION AGAIN!
OKAY, NOW THE BONUS ROUND, I..E., A FINAL CHANCE TO REDEEM YOURSELF:
A MUTE PERSON GOES INTO A SHOP AND WANTS TO BUY A TOOTHBRUSH.
BY IMITATING THE ACTION OF BRUSHING HIS TEETH HE
SUCCESSFULLY EXPRESSES HIMSELF TO THE SHOPKEEPER AND THE PURCHASE IS DONE.
NEXT, A BLIND MAN COMES INTO THE SHOP WHO WANTS TO BUY A
PAIR OF SUNGLASSES; HOW DOES HE INDICATE WHAT HE WANTS?
~~~~~~~~~~ ~~~~~~~~~~
IT'S REALLY VERY SIMPLE
HE OPENS HIS MOUTH AND ASKS FOR IT...
DOES YOUR EMPLOYER ACTUALLY PAY YOU TO THINK??
IF SO DO NOT LET THEM SEE YOUR ANSWERS FOR THIS TEST!
Warning about eBay Warning about eBay -- Be careful what you buy on eBay! If you buy things on-line, check out the seller carefully. A friend has just spent $295 on a penis enlarger. The bastards sent him a magnifying glass. The only instructions were "Do not use in direct sunlight".
An old Marine Pilot sat down at the Starbucks, still wearing his old USMC flight jacket and ordered a cup of coffee. As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the pilot and asked, Are you a real pilot? He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life flying planes, first Stearmans, then the early Grummans... flew a Wildcat and Corsair in WWII, and later in the Korean conflict, Banshees and Cougars. I've taught more than 260 people to fly and given rides to hundreds, so I guess I am a pilot, and you, what are you? She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch TV, I think about naked women. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.' The two sat sipping in silence. A little while later, a young man sat down on the other side of the old pilot and asked: "Are you a real pilot?" He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian.'
Murphy applied for a forklift job at a famous Irish firm based in Dublin. A Norwegian applied for the same job and since both applicants had similar qualifications, they were asked to take a test and led to a quiet room with no interruptions by the Manager. When the results were in, both men had scored 19 out of 20. The manager went to Murphy and said, "Thank you for coming to the interview, but we've decided to give the Norwegian the job." Murphy,... "And why would you be doing that? We both got 19 questions correct. This being Ireland and me being Irish surely I should get the job. "Manager, "We have made our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you got wrong ." Murphy, "And just how would one incorrect answer be better than another Manager "That's simple; on question number 7 the Norwegian wrote down, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'
1st woman: Hi! Wanda.
2nd woman: Hi! Sylvia. How'd you die?
1st woman: I froze to death.
2nd woman: How horrible!
1st woman: It wasn't so bad. After I quit shaking from the cold, I began to get warm & sleepy, and finally died a peaceful death. What about you?
2nd woman: I died of a massive heart attack. I suspected that my husband was cheating, so I came home early to catch him in the act. But instead, I found him all by himself in the den watching TV.
1st woman: So, what happened?
2nd woman: I was so sure there was another woman there somewhere that I started running all over the house looking. I ran up into the attic and searched, and down into the basement. Then I went through every closet and checked under all the beds. I kept this up until I had looked everywhere, and finally I became so exhausted that I just keeled over with a heart attack and died.
1st woman: Too bad you didn't look in the freezer---we'd both still be alive.
A husband and wife were sitting watching a TV program about psychology which was explaining the phenomenon of “Mixed Emotions: The husband turned to his wife and said “That is an absolute bunch of crap. I bet you can’t tell me anything that will make me happy and sad at the same time.” The wife said, “Out of all your friends you have the biggest dick”.
Two aliens landed in the Arizona desert near a gas station that was closed for the night. They approached one of the gas
pumps and the younger alien addressed it saying, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."
The gas pump, of course, didn't respond. The younger alien became angry at the lack of response. The older alien said, 'I'd calm down if I were you.' The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting. Again, there was no response. Pissed at the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said gruffly, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader or I will fire!" he older alien again warned his comrade saying, 'You probably don't want to do that! I really think that will make him mad.' 'Rubbish,' replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed his weapon and opened fire. There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball roared towards him and blew the younger alien off his feet and threw him in a burnt, smoking mess about 200 yards away in a cactus patch. Half an hour passed. When he finally regained consciousness, he refocused his three eyes, straightened his bent antenna, and looked dazedly at the older, wiser alien who was standing over him shaking his big, green head. 'What a ferocious creature!' exclaimed the young, fried alien. 'He damn near killed me! How did you know he was so dangerous?' The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly feeler on his crispy friend and replied, 'If there's one thing I've learned during my intergalactic travels, you never mess with a guy who can loop his penis over his shoulder twice and then stick it in his ear.'
A widowed Jewish lady, still in very good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near
Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied and turned back to his book. "I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered.”Do you live around here?" she asked."Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?"
With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?" The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
cent article in the West Australian newspaper reported that a woman, Mrs. Maynard, has sued a Perth Hospital, saying that after her husband had surgery there, he lost all interest in sex. A hospital spokesman replied
"Mr. Maynard was admitted for cataract surgery. All we did was correct his eyesight."
The phone rings and a woman answers.
A pervert, breathing heavily, says. "I bet you have a tight ass with no hair!"
The woman replies. "Yes I do. He's watching golf. Who shall I say is calling?"
My wife, Julie, had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while Julie was out. After finishing, I left home to take care of another matter before she returned. She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. Julie wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) Julie tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, "Well, Doctor, I'll bet you've never seen anything like this before."
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle into the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy. "No, not at all," says the pharmacist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
SENIOR COMPUTER SKILLS
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Michele, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist and after a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to have him paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into marital strife, he asked her to wait while he conferred with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision. Finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. “T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay.“ I'll paint you in the nude all right; however I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.” T’is a further reason why we love the Irish so dearly.
THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY?
I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment." I was impressed... However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
An eyewitness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her:
'Are you God's wife?'
Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.
"I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly.
"Well done, son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava.”
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the bloke.'
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
The Doctor replied, "Actually, I've seen lots of them. I just never saw one mounted and framed."
One day an Irishman goes into a pharmacy - reaches into his pocket and takes out a small Irish whiskey bottle and a teaspoon. He pours from the bottle into the teaspoon and offers it to the pharmacist. "Could you taste this for me, please?" The pharmacist takes the teaspoon, puts it in his mouth, swills the liquid around and swallows it. "Does that taste sweet to you?" asks Paddy. "No, not at all," says the pharmacist. "Oh that's a relief," says Paddy. "The doctor told me to come here and get my urine tested for sugar."
SENIOR COMPUTER SKILLS
Tech support: What kind of computer do you have?
Customer: A white one...
Tech support: Click on the 'my computer' icon on to the left of the screen.
Customer: Your left or my left?
************************
Customer: Hi, good afternoon, this is Michele, I can't print. Every time I try, it says 'can’t find printer’.
I've even lifted the printer and placed it in front of the monitor, but the computer still says he can't find it..
*************************
Customer: My keyboard is not working anymore.
Tech support: Are you sure it's plugged into the computer?
Customer: No. I can't get behind the computer.
Tech support: Pick up your keyboard and walk 10 paces back.
Customer: OK
Tech support: Did the keyboard come with you?
Customer: Yes
Tech support: That means the keyboard is not plugged in.
*************************
Customer: I can't get on the Internet.
Tech support: Are you sure you used the right password?
Customer: Yes, I'm sure. I saw my colleague do it.
Tech support: Can you tell me what the password was?
Customer: Five dots.
*************************
Tech support: What anti-virus program do you use?
Customer: Netscape.
Tech support: That's not an anti-virus program.
Customer: Oh, sorry... Internet Explorer..
*************************
Customer: I have a huge problem. A friend has placed a screen saver on my computer, but every time I move the mouse, it disappears.
*************************
Tech support: How may I help you?
Customer: I'm writing my first email.
Tech support: OK, and what seems to be the problem?
Customer: Well, I have the letter 'a' in the address, but how do I get the little circle around it?
*************************
This one and the next are our personal favorites!
A woman customer called the Canon help desk with a problem with her printer.
Tech support: Are you running it under windows?
Customer: 'No, my desk is next to the door, but that is a good point.
The man sitting in the cubicle next to me is under a window, and his printer is working fine.'
************************
And last but not least!
Tech support: 'Okay Bob, let's press the control and escape keys at the same time.
That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter 'P' to bring up the Program Manager.'
Customer: I don't have a P.
Tech support: On your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: What do you mean?
Tech support: 'P'.....on your keyboard, Bob.
Customer: I'M NOT GOING TO DO THAT
An Irish painter by the name of Murphy, while not a brilliant scholar, was a gifted portrait artist and after a short number of years, his fame grew and soon people from all over Ireland were coming to the town of Miltown Malbay, in County Clare, to have him paint their likenesses. One day, a beautiful young English woman arrived at his house in a stretch limo and asked if he would paint her in the nude. This being the first time anyone had made such a request he was a bit perturbed, particularly when the woman told him that money was no object; in fact, she was willing to pay up to 10,000 pounds. Not wanting to get into marital strife, he asked her to wait while he conferred with Mary, his wife. They talked much about the Rightness and Wrongness of it. It was hard to make the decision. Finally his wife agreed, on one condition. In a few minutes he returned. “T'would be me pleasure to paint yer portrait, missus,” he said “The wife says it’s okay.“ I'll paint you in the nude all right; however I have to at least leave me socks on, so I have a place to wipe me brushes.” T’is a further reason why we love the Irish so dearly.
THE VALUE OF A GOOD VOCABULARY?
I called an old classmate and asked what he was doing. He replied that he was working on "Aqua-thermal treatment of ceramics, aluminum and steel under a constrained environment." I was impressed... However, upon further inquiry, I learned that he was washing dishes with hot water under his wife's supervision.
An eyewitness account from New York City , on a cold day in December, some years ago: A little boy, about 10-years-old, was standing before a shoe store on the roadway, barefooted, peering through the window, and shivering With cold.
A lady approached the young boy and said, 'My, but you're in such deep thought staring in that window!' 'I was asking God to give me a pair of shoes,' was the boy's reply. The lady took him by the hand, went into the store, and asked the clerk to get half a dozen pairs of socks for the boy. She then asked if he could give her a basin of water and a towel. He quickly brought them to her. She took the little fellow to the back part of the store and, removing her gloves, knelt down, washed his little feet, and dried them with the towel. By this time, the clerk had returned with the socks.. Placing a pair upon the boy's feet, she purchased him a pair of shoes.. She tied up the remaining pairs of socks and gave them to him. She patted him on the head and said, 'No doubt, you will be more comfortable now..' As she turned to go, the astonished kid caught her by the hand, and looking up into her face, with tears in his eyes, asked her:
'Are you God's wife?'
Bloke comes home to find his son sitting on the couch, grinning from ear to ear.
"What are you so happy about?" he asked.
"I just made love to the girl next door" he says proudly.
"Well done, son. I hope you were wearing something." "Yup" he replied. "A balaclava.”
One day, a man came home and was greeted by his wife dressed in a very Sexy nightie. 'Tie me up,' she purred, 'and you can do anything you want.' So he tied her up and went golfing.
A woman came home, screeching her car into the driveway, and ran into the house. She slammed the door and shouted at the top of her lungs, 'Honey, pack your bags. I won the lottery!' The husband said, 'Oh my God! What should I pack, beach stuff or mountain stuff?' 'Doesn't matter,' she said. 'Just get out.'
Marriage is a relationship in which one person is always right, and the other is a husband. A Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license. First, of course, he had to take an eye sight test The optician showed him a card with the letters 'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.' 'Can you read this?' the optician asked. 'Read it?' the Polish guy replied, 'I know the bloke.'
Mother Superior called all the nuns together and said to them, 'I must tell you all something. We have a case of gonorrhea in the convent.' 'Thank God,' said an elderly nun at the back. 'I'm so tired of chardonnay.
A wife was making a breakfast of fried eggs for her husband. Suddenly, her husband burst into the kitchen. 'Careful,' he said, 'CAREFUL! Put in some more butter! Oh my gosh! You're cooking too many at once. TOO MANY! Turn them! TURN THEM NOW! We need more butter. Oh my gosh! WHERE are we going to get MORE BUTTER? They're going to STICK! Careful. CAREFUL! I said be CAREFUL! You NEVER listen to me when you're cooking! Never! Turn them! Hurry up! Are you CRAZY? Have you LOST your mind? Don't forget to salt them. You know you always forget to salt them. Use the! salt. USE THE SALT! THE SALT!' The wife stared at him. 'What in the world is wrong with you? You think I don't know how to fry a couple of eggs?' The husband calmly replied, 'I just wanted to show you what it feels like when I'm driving.'
Fifty-one years ago, Herman James, a North Carolina mountain man, was drafted by the Army. On his first day in basic training, the Army issued him a comb. That afternoon the Army barber sheared off all his hair. On his second day, the Army issued Herman a toothbrush. That afternoon the Army dentist yanked seven of his teeth. On the third day, the Army issued him a jock strap. The Army has been looking for Herman for 51 years.
A man wakes up in the hospital bandaged from head to foot. The doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained
consciousness. Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in a huge pile-up on the freeway. You're going to be okay, you'll walk again and everything, however, your penis was severed in the accident and we couldn't find it."
The man groans, but the doctor goes on, "You have $9000 in insurance compensation coming and we now have the technology to build a new penis. They work great but they don't come cheap. It's roughly $1000 an inch." The man perks up. So, the doctor says, "You must decide how many inches you want. But understand that you have been married for over thirty years and this is something you should discuss with your wife. If you had a five incher before and get a nine incher now she might be a bit put out. If you had a nine incher before and you decide to only invest in a five incher now, she might be disappointed. It's important that she plays a role in helping you make a decision." The man agrees to talk it over with his wife. The doctor comes back the next day, "So, have you spoken with your wife?" "Yes I have," says the man.
"And has she helped you make a decision?" "Yes" says the man. "What is your decision?" asks the doctor.
"We're getting granite kitchen bench tops."
Only in Britain - Complaints to Councils Extracts from letters written by council tenants:
1. It's the dogs mess that I find hard to swallow.
2. I want some repairs done to my cooker as it has backfired and burnt my knob off.
3. I wish to complain that my father twisted his ankle very badly when he put his foot in the hole in his back passage.
4. Their 18 year old son is continually banging his balls against my fence.
5. I wish to report that tiles are missing from the outside toilet roof. I think it was bad wind the other day that blew them off.
6. My lavatory seat is cracked, where do I stand?
7. I am writing on behalf of my sink, which is coming away from the wall.
8. Will you please send someone to mend the garden path. My wife tripped and fell on it yesterday and now she is pregnant.
9. I request permission to remove my drawers in the kitchen.
10. 50% of the walls are damp, 50% have crumbling plaster, and 50% are just plain filthy.
11. The next door neighbour has got this huge tool that vibrates the whole house and I just can't take it anymore.
12. The toilet is blocked and we cannot bath the children until it is cleared.
13. Will you please send a man to look at my water, it is a funny colour and not fit to drink.
14. Our lavatory seat is broken in half and now is in three pieces.
15. I want to complain about the farmer across the road. Every morning at 6am his cock wakes me up and it's now getting too much for me.
16. The man next door has a large erection in the back garden, which is unsightly and dangerous.
17. Our kitchen floor is damp. We have two children and would like a third, so please send someone round to do something about it.
18. I am a single woman living in a downstairs flat and would you please do something about the noise made by the man on top of me every night.
19. Please send a man with the right tool to finish the job and satisfy my wife..
20. I have had the clerk of works down on the floor six times but I still have no satisfaction.
21.. This is to let you know that our lavatory seat is broke and we can't get BBC2.
22. My bush is really overgrown round the front and my back passage has fungus growing in it..
A hotel guest calls the front desk and the clerk answers, "May I help you sir? The man says, "Yes, I'm in room 858. You need to send someone to my room immediately. I'm having an argument with my wife and she says she's going to jump out of the window." The desk clerk says, "I'm sorry sir, but that's a personal matter."
The man replies, "Listen, you idiot. The window won't open.. and that's clearly a maintenance issue.
One day, three boys were walking over a bridge when they heard a guy yelling for help. It was President Trump. He was drowning, and the three boys rescued him. He thanked them dearly and promised them whatever they wanted as a reward. The first boy wanted $10,000, so Trump gave him the money. The second boy wanted a Ferrari, so Trump gave the boy a Ferrari. The third boy wanted a wheelchair , Trump said, "Why do you want one of those, son, you're not disabled ."
The boy replied, " I will be when my dad finds out whose life I just saved."
Ed and his wife Norma go to the state fair every year, And every year Ed would say, " Norma, I'd like to ride in that helicopter "Norma always replied, " I know Ed , but that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, And fifty bucks is fifty bucks! " One year Ed and Norma went to the fair, and Ed said, " Norma, I'm 75 years old. If I don't ride that helicopter, I might never get another chance" To this, Norma replied, " Ed, that helicopter ride is fifty bucks, and fifty bucks is fifty bucks" The pilot overheard the couple and said, Folks I'll make you a deal. I'll take the both of you for a ride. If you can stay quiet for the entire ride and don't say a word I won't charge you a penny! But if you say one word it's fifty dollars." Ed and Norma agreed and up they went. The pilot did all kinds of fancy maneuvers, but not a word was heard. He did his daredevil tricks over and over again, But still not a word... When they landed, the pilot turned to Ed and said, "By golly, I did everything I could to get you to yell out, but you didn't. I'm impressed! " Ed replied, " Well, to tell you the truth I almost said something when Norma fell out,
But you know, Fifty bucks is fifty bucks! "
A 60 years old lady was standing next to the railing on a cruise ship. .... She was using both hands to hold her hat onto her head so it wouldn't blow away.....A gentleman approached the lady and said ..... "Ma'am, .... I am sorry to bother you but the wind is blowing your dress up".....The lady replied, ......"Sir, if I take my hands off of my hat it will blow away"......
"I understand,..ma'am,.....but ....you aren't wearing any panties", .....replied the gentleman. The lady looked down then ......back up at the gentleman and said, *"Sir, .... anything you see down there is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"
One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth."Forty quid," the dentist said. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well, the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds." Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still far too expensive!" "Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds. Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much. "Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvellous!" said the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!"
Marc Fitzgerald is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, "Andy, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Kerry", you take the apartments over in the east end." My son, "Matt, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Susan, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize hisextensive holdings, and as Marc slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Fitzgerald your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Susan replies, "Property ? .... he had a paper route!"
A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, aisle 11." The blonde goes to the aisle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?" The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.
Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
A man in Hell asked the Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ?
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.
Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !
Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last week, you have been saying “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you......"
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
A father texts his son “My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My love and good wishes. Dad”. His son texts back “Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t until tomorrow!” His father replies “I know.”
Wine & Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .
Sam, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, Seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES! Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.
Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary).
Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.
Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Police stop an aboriginal in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".
63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trycoxagain.
"I understand,..ma'am,.....but ....you aren't wearing any panties", .....replied the gentleman. The lady looked down then ......back up at the gentleman and said, *"Sir, .... anything you see down there is 60 years old. I bought this hat yesterday"
One day, a man walked into a dentist's surgery and asked how much it would cost to extract a wisdom tooth."Forty quid," the dentist said. "That's a ridiculous amount," the man said. "Isn't there a cheaper way?" "Well, the dentist said, "if you don't use an anaesthetic, I can knock the price down to 30 pounds." Looking annoyed, the man said, "That's still far too expensive!" "Okay," said the dentist. "If I save on time and simply rip the tooth out with a pair of pliers, I can knock the price down to 10 pounds. Nope," moaned the man, "it's still too much. "Well," said the dentist finally, scratching his head, "if I let one of my students do it using pliers, I suppose I can knock the price down to a fiver."
"Marvellous!" said the man. "Book my wife in for next Tuesday!"
Marc Fitzgerald is on his deathbed and knows the end is near.His nurse, his wife, his daughter and 2 sons, are with him.
He asks for 2 witnesses to be present and a camcorder be in place to record his last wishes, and when all is ready he begins to speak: My son, "Andy, I want you to take the Mayfair houses." My daughter "Kerry", you take the apartments over in the east end." My son, "Matt, I want you to take the offices over in the City Centre." "Susan, my dear wife, please take all the residential buildings on the banks of the river." The nurse and witnesses are blown away as they did not realize hisextensive holdings, and as Marc slips away, the nurse says, "Mrs. Fitzgerald your husband must have been such a hard-working man to have accumulated all this property".
Susan replies, "Property ? .... he had a paper route!"
A beautiful blonde woman approaches a pharmacist and asks, "Do you have extra large condoms?"
The pharmacist replies, "Yes, aisle 11." The blonde goes to the aisle. But about 30 minutes later she is still looking at the condoms. The pharmacist calls over to her, "Do you need some help?" The woman replies, "No, I'm just waiting for somebody to buy some."
A bookseller conducting a market survey asked a woman – “Which book has helped you most in your life?”
The woman replied – “My husband’s cheque book !!”
A prospective husband in a book store “Do you have a book called, ‘Husband – the Master of the House’?
Sales Girl : “Sir, Fiction and Comics are on the 1st floor!”.
Someone asked an old man : “Even after 70 years, you still call your wife – Darling, Honey, Luv. What’s the secret ?
Old man : I forgot her name and I’m scared to ask her.
A man in Hell asked the Devil : Can I make a call to my Wife ?
After making the call he asked how much he had to pay.
Devil : Nothing. Hell to hell is Free.
Wife : I wish I was a newspaper. So I’d be in your hands all day.
Husband : I too wish that you were a newspaper. So I could have a new one every day !
Husband to wife – Today is a fine day. Next day he says : Today is a fine day. Again next day, he says same thing – Today is a fine day. Finally after a week, the wife can’t take it and asks her husband – since last week, you have been saying “Today is a fine day’. I am fed up. What’s the matter?
Husband : Last week when we had an argument, you said, “I will leave you one fine day.” I was just trying to remind you......"
It was April and the Aboriginals in a remote part of Northern Australia asked their new elder if the coming winter was going to be cold or mild. Since he was an elder in a modern community he had never been taught the old secrets. When he looked at the sky he couldn't tell what the winter was going to be like. Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he told his tribe that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members of the tribe should collect firewood to be prepared. But being a practical leader, after several days he had an idea. He walked out to the telephone booth on the highway, called the Bureau of Meteorology and asked, 'Is the coming winter in this area going to be cold?' The meteorologist responded, 'It looks like this winter is going to be quite cold.' So the elder went back to his people and told them to collect even more wood in order to be prepared. A week later he called the Bureau of Meteorology again. 'Does it still look like it is going to be a very cold winter?' The meteorologist again replied, 'Yes, it's going to be a very cold winter.' The elder again went back to his community and ordered them to collect every scrap of firewood they could find. Two weeks later the elder called the Bureau again. 'Are you absolutely sure that the winter is going to be very cold?' he asked. 'Absolutely,' the man replied. 'It's looking more and more like it is going to be one of the coldest winters ever.' 'How can you be so sure?' the elder asked. The weatherman replied, 'Our satellites have reported that the Aboriginals in the north are collecting firewood like crazy, and that's always a sure sign.'
A father texts his son “My dear son, today is a day you will treasure for all the days of your life. My love and good wishes. Dad”. His son texts back “Thanks Dad. But the wedding isn’t until tomorrow!” His father replies “I know.”
Wine & Water
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said: In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 liter of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in feces. In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.. However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting. Remember:
Water = Poop, Wine = Health Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of shit .
Sam, at 85 years old, always wanted a pair of soft spike golf shoes like Freddie Couples, Seeing some on sale after his round, he bought them. He was so delighted with his purchase, he decided to wear them home to show the misses. Walking proudly into the house, he sauntered into the kitchen and said to his wife, "Notice anything different about me?" Margaret at age 83 looked him over and replied, "Nope." Frustrated as all get out, Bert stormed off into the bathroom, undressed and walked back into the kitchen completely naked except for the new golf shoes. Again he asked Margaret, a little louder this time, "Notice anything different NOW?" Margaret looked up and said in her best deadpan response, "Bert, what's different? It's hanging down today, it was hanging down yesterday, and it'll be hanging down again tomorrow." Furious, Bert yells out, "AND DO YOU KNOW WHY IT'S HANGING DOWN, MARGARET?" "Nope. Not a clue", she replied. "IT'S HANGING DOWN, BECAUSE IT'S LOOKING AT MY NEW GOLF SHOES! Without missing a beat old Margaret replies, "You shoulda bought a new hat.
Low Battery: A man saved his girlfriend's phone number on his mobile as 'Low Battery'. Whenever she calls him, in his absence, his wife takes the phone and plugs it into the charger. Give that man a medal.
Two Thai girls asked me if I'd like to go bed with them; they said it would be just like winning Lotto! I agreed, and they were right. We all stripped off, and to my horror, we had six matching balls!
Such an unfair world: When a man talks dirty to a woman it's considered sexual harassment. When a woman talks dirty to a man, it's $2.50/min (charges may vary).
Valentine's Day: Just booked a table for Valentine's Day for me and the wife. Bound to end in tears though; she's lousy at snooker.
Got a new Jack Russell pup today. He's mainly black and brown with just a small white area. I've called him England.
If you get an email telling you that you can catch swine flu from tins of ham then delete it. It's spam.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise. Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to shift this beer belly.
Jonathan Ross has been accused of shoplifting a kitchen utensil from Woolies. Ross says it was a whisk he was prepared to take.
Police stop an aboriginal in his transit on the motorway. Policeman says "Do you know the limit is 70?" The driver leans into the back and says "hear that - 3 of you have got to get out".
63 Pakistanis died on Christmas Island this morning. It was not a terrorist attack. A bunk bed in the detention centre collapsed. The police are blaming AL IKEA .
Scientists have revealed today that they have found a new drug for depressed lesbians. It's called Trycoxagain.
Six Basic Rules For Good Health
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level!!!
SO ... REMEMBER ...
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!
1. F***ing once a week is good for your health, every day is even better.
2. F***ing gives proper relaxation for your mind & body.
3. F***ing refreshes you.
4. After F***ing don't eat too much ... Go for more liquids.
5. F***ing can even reduce your cholesterol level!!!
SO ... REMEMBER ...
6. FISHING is good for your health and soul ...
And may the Good Lord cleanse your Filthy Mind !!!
A lawyer arrived home late, after a very tough day trying to get a stay of execution. His last minute plea for clemency to the Attorney General had failed and he was feeling worn out and depressed. As soon as he walked through the door at home, his wife started on him about, "What time of night to be getting home is this? Where have you been? Dinner is cold and I'm not reheating it." And on and on and on. Too shattered to play his usual role in this familiar ritual, he poured himself a shot of whiskey and headed off for a long hot soak in the bathtub, pursued by the predictable sarcastic remarks as he dragged himself up the stairs. While he was in the bath, the phone rang. His wife answered and was told that her husband's client, James Wright, had been granted a stay of execution after all. Wright would not be hanged tonight. Finally realisIng what a terrible day he must have had, she decided to go upstairs and give him the good news. As she opened the bathroom door, she was greeted by the sight of her husband, bent over naked, drying his legs and feet. "They're not hanging Wright tonight." she said.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
The following questions were asked in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds')...........and they WILL breed. They already have
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.*
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.* (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.(At least they get to travel!)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true!)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..* (WTF!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. This person has a career in politics awaiting!)
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.*(That would work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport (Irrefutable!)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (Brilliant)
Q.. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
These people vote -- They are the future generation!!
British Hospitals - True Stories
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied. then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
He whirled around and screamed, "FOR THE LOVE OF GOD WOMAN, DON'T YOU EVER STOP?"
The following questions were asked in last year's GED examination. These are genuine answers (from 16 year olds')...........and they WILL breed. They already have
Q. Name the four seasons
A. Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar
Q. Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A. Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.*
Q. How is dew formed?
A. The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire
Q. What causes the tides in the oceans?
A. The tides are a fight between the earth and the moon. All water tends to flow towards the moon, because there is no water on the moon, and nature abhors a vacuum. I forget where the sun joins the fight
Q. What guarantees may a mortgage company insist upon?
A. If you are buying a house they will insist that you are well endowed.
Q. In a democratic society, how important are elections?
A. Very important. Sex can only happen when a male gets an election.
Q. What are steroids
A. Things for keeping carpets still on the stairs.* (Shoot yourself now, there is little hope.)
Q.. What happens to your body as you age?
A. When you get old, so do your bowels and you get intercontinental.(At least they get to travel!)
Q. What happens to a boy when he reaches puberty?
A. He says goodbye to his boyhood and looks forward to his adultery (So true!)
Q. Name a major disease associated with cigarettes
A. Premature death.
Q. What is artificial insemination
A. When the farmer does it to the bull instead of the cow.
Q. How can you delay milk turning sour?
A. Keep it in the cow. (Simple, but brilliant.)
Q. How are the main 20 parts of the body categorized? (e.g. The abdomen.)
A. The body is consisted into 3 parts - the brainium, the borax and the abdominal cavity. The brainium contains the brain, the borax contains the heart and lungs and the abdominal cavity contains the five bowels: A, E, I,O,U..* (WTF!)
Q. What is the fibula?
A. A small lie. This person has a career in politics awaiting!)
Q. What does 'varicose' mean?
A. Nearby.
Q. What is the most common form of birth control?
A. Most people prevent contraception by wearing a condominium.*(That would work.)
Q. Give the meaning of the term 'Cesarean section'.
A. The Cesarean section is a district in Rome
Q. What is a seizure?
A. A Roman Emperor.(Julius Seizure, I came, I saw, I had a fit!)
Q. What is a terminal illness?
A. When you are sick at the airport (Irrefutable!)
Q. Give an example of a fungus. What is a characteristic feature?
A. Mushrooms. They always grow in damp places and they look like tiny umbrellas
Q. Use the word 'judicious' in a sentence to show you understand its meaning.
A. Hands that judicious can be soft as your face. (OMG)
Q. What does the word 'benign' mean?
A. Benign is what you will be after you be eight (Brilliant)
Q.. What is a turbine?
A. Something an Arab or Shreik wears on his head
These people vote -- They are the future generation!!
British Hospitals - True Stories
1. A man dashes into the A&E dept and yells . . . 'My wife's going to have her baby in the taxi'. I grabbed my stuff, rushed out to the taxi, lifted the lady's dress and began to take off her underwear. Suddenly after protests from the lady I noticed that there were several taxis - - - and I was in the wrong one.
Submitted by Dr. Mark MacDonald , St.. Andrews Hosp. Glasgow
2. At the beginning of my shift, I placed a stethoscope on an elderly and slightly deaf female patient's anterior chest wall.
'Big breaths,'. I instructed 'Yes, they used to be,'. . . replied the patient..
Submitted by Dr. Richard Barnes , St.Thomas's Bath
3 One day I had to be the bearer of bad news when I told a wife that her husband had died of a massive myocardial infarct.. Not more than five minutes later, I heard her on her mobile phone reporting to the rest of the family that he had died of a
'massive internal fart.'
Submitted by Dr. Susan Steinberg Royal London Hosp.
4. During a patient's two week follow-up appointment, he told me that he was having trouble with one of his medications.
'Which one ?'. . .. I asked.'The patch; the Nurse told me to put on a new one every six hours and now I'm running out of places to put it!' I had him quickly undress and discovered what I hoped I wouldn't see. Yes, the man had over fifty patches on his body!
Now, the instructions includes removal of the old patch before applying a new one.
Submitted by Dr. Rebecca St .. Clair , Norfolk General
5. While acquainting myself with a new elderly patient, I asked 'How long have you been bedridden?' After a look of complete confusion she answered .'Why, not for about twenty years - when my husband was still alive.'
Submitted by Dr. Steven Swanson- Maidenhead Royal Kent
6. I was performing rounds at the hospital one morning and while checking up on a man I asked . . ...' So how was your breakfast this morning?' 'It's very good except for the Kentucky Jelly I can't seem to get used to the taste.'. . Bob replied. then asked to see the jelly and Bob produced a foil packet labeled 'KY Jelly.'
Submitted by Dr. Leonard J. Brandon . Bristol Infirmary.
7. A nurse was on duty in the A&E when a young woman with purple hair styled into a punk rocker Mohawk, sporting a variety of tattoos, and wearing strange clothing, entered . . It was quickly determined that the patient had acute appendicitis, so she was scheduled for an immediate operation.. When she was completely disrobed on the operating table, the staff noticed that her pubic hair had been dyed green, and above it there was a tattoo that read .. . .'Keep off the grass' Once the surgery was completed, the surgeon wrote a short note on the patient's dressing, which read 'Sorry . . . had to mow the lawn'
Submitted by Staff Nurse RN Elaine Fogerty , KGH London Dr. wouldn't submit his name.
My wife Andrea found out that our dog (a Schnauzer) could hardly hear, so she took it to the veterinarian. The vet found that the problem was hair in the dog's ears. He cleaned both ears, and the dog could then hear fine. The vet then proceeded to tell Andrea that, if she wanted to keep this from recurring, she should go to the pharmacy and get some "Nair" hair remover and rub it in the dog's ears once a month. Andrea went to the store and bought some "Nair" hair remover. At the register, the pharmacist told her, "If you're going to use this under your arms, don't use deodorant for a few days." Andrea said, "I'm not using it under my arms." The pharmacist said, "If you're using it on your legs, don't use body lotion for a couple of days." Andrea replied, "I'm not using it on my legs either. If you must know, I'm using it on my Schnauzer." The pharmacist said, "Well, stay off your bicycle for at least a week.”
GREAT TRUTHS THAT LITTLE CHILDREN HAVE LEARNED:
1) No matter how hard you try, you can't baptize cats..
2) When your Mom is mad at your Dad, don't let her brush your hair.
3) If your sister hits you, don't hit her back. They always Catch the second person.
4) Never ask your 3-year old brother to hold a tomato.
5) You can't trust dogs to watch your food..
6) Don't sneeze when someone is cutting your hair..
7) Never hold a Dust-Buster and a cat at the same time.
8) You can't hide a piece of broccoli in a glass of milk.
9) Don't wear polka-dot underwear under white shorts.
10) The best place to be when you're sad is Grandma's lap.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing Jello to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge...mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fiber, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
As Air Force One arrives at Heathrow Airport, President Trump strides to a warm and dignified reception from the Queen. They are driven in a 1934 Bentley to the edge of central London, where they change to a magnificent 17th century carriage hitched to six white horses. The pair continue on towards Buckingham Palace, waving to the thousands of cheering Britons; all is going well. Suddenly, the right rear horse lets out a most horrendous earth shattering fart. The smell is so atrocious that passengers and coachmen are forced to place handkerchiefs over their noses. The two dignitaries of State do their best however to ignore the incident. The Queen politely turns to President Trump: "Mr President, please, accept my apologies... I am sure you understand that there are some things that even a Queen cannot control." Trump, trying to be "Presidential," responded: "Your Majesty, do not give the matter another thought... Until you mentioned it, I honestly thought it was one of the horses."
Ever wondered what happens when you forget history, or are nationally arrogant?
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all U.S. military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?" You could have heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day. They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible! You English always have to show passports on arrival in France!" The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country. I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a another bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children .... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand.
A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell. The Doctor performs some tests and says, "I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we’re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes. " Will that cure me?" asks the man. " No," says the Doctor, "it’s the only food we can pass under the door!"
'It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down."Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut."Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
JFK'S Secretary of State, Dean Rusk, was in France in the early 60's when DeGaulle decided to pull out of NATO. DeGaulle said he wanted all U.S. military out of France as soon as possible. Rusk responded, "Does that include those who are buried here?" You could have heard a pin drop
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
There was a conference in France where a number of international engineers were taking part, including French and American. During a break, one of the French engineers came back into the room saying 'Have you heard the latest dumb stunt Bush has done? He has sent an aircraft carrier to Indonesia to help the tsunami victims. What does he intend to do, bomb them?' A Boeing engineer stood up and replied quietly: 'Our carriers have three hospitals on board that can treat several hundred people; they are nuclear powered and can supply Emergency electrical power to shore facilities; they have three cafeterias with the capacity to feed 3,000 people three meals a day. They can produce several thousand gallons of fresh water from sea water each day, and they carry half a dozen helicopters for use in transporting victims and injured to and from their flight deck. We have eleven such ships; how many does France have?' You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
A Royal Navy Admiral was attending a naval conference that included Admirals from the U.S., English, Canadian, Australian and French Navies. At a cocktail reception, he found himself standing with a large group of officers that included personnel from most of those countries. Everyone was chatting away in English as they sipped their drinks but a French admiral suddenly complained that, whereas Europeans learn many languages, the English learn only English. He then asked, 'Why is it that we always have to speak English in these conferences rather than speaking French?' Without hesitating, the British Admiral replied, 'Maybe it's because the Brit's, Canadians, Aussie's, South Africans, and Americans arranged it so you wouldn't have to speak German.'
You could have heard a pin drop.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
AND THIS STORY FITS RIGHT IN WITH THE ABOVE...
Robert Whiting, an elderly gentleman of 83, arrived in Paris by plane. At French Customs, he took a few minutes to locate his passport in his carry on. "You have been to France before, monsieur?" the customs officer asked sarcastically. Mr. Whiting admitted that he had been to France previously. "Then you should know enough to have your passport ready." The Englishman said, 'The last time I was here, I didn't have to show it." "Impossible! You English always have to show passports on arrival in France!" The English senior gave the Frenchman a long hard look. Then he quietly explained, ''Well, when I came ashore at Gold Beach on D-Day in 1944 to help liberate this country. I couldn't find a single Frenchmen to show a passport to." You could have heard a pin drop.
After having their 11th child, an Irish couple decided that that was enough, as they couldn't afford a another bed. So the husband went to his doctor and told him that he and his wife didn't want to have any more children .... The doctor told him there was a procedure called a vasectomy that would fix the problem but it was expensive. A less costly alternative was to go home, get a large firecracker, light it, put it in a beer can, then hold the can up to his ear and count to 10. The husband said to the doctor, "B'Jayzus, I may not be the smartest guy in the world, but I don't see how putting a firework in a beer can next to my ear is going to help me with my problem." "Trust me, it will do the job", said the doctor. So the man went home, lit a cracker and put it in a beer can. He held the can up to his ear and began to count: "1, 2, 3, 4, 5," at which point he paused, and placed the beer can between his legs so he could continue counting on his other hand. This procedure also works in New Zealand.
A man goes to hospital feeling really unwell. The Doctor performs some tests and says, "I am afraid you have a very rare and very contagious disease, we’re transferring you to a room where you will be fed a diet of Pizza, toast and pancakes. " Will that cure me?" asks the man. " No," says the Doctor, "it’s the only food we can pass under the door!"
'It’s a beautiful warm day and a man and his wife are at the Zoo. She’s wearing a cute loose-fitting, pink spring dress, Sleeveless with straps. As they walk through the ape exhibit and pass in front of a very large gorilla, the beast goes crazy. He jumps up on the bars, holding on with one hand and his feet, grunting and pounding his chest with his free hand. The gorilla is obviously excited at the pretty lady in the wavy dress.The husband, noticing the excitement, proposes that his wife tease the poor fellow. The husband suggests she pucker her lips, wiggle her bottom, and play along.She does, and the gorilla gets even more excited, making noises that would wake the dead.Then the husband suggests that she let one of her straps fall. She does, and the gorilla is just about to tear the bars down."Now try lifting your dress up your thighs." This drives the gorilla absolutely crazy.Suddenly, the husband grabs his wife by the hair, rips open the cage door, slings her in with the gorilla and slams the door shut."Now, tell HIM you have a fekin headache!"
The husband leans over and asks his wife, "Do you remember the first time we had sex together over fifty years ago? We went behind the village tavern where you leaned against the back fence and I made love to you." Yes, she says, "I remember it well." OK, he says, "How about taking a stroll around there again and we can do it for old time's sake?"
"Oh Jim, you old devil, that sounds like a crazy, but good idea!" A police officer sitting in the next booth heard their conversation and, having a chuckle to himself, he thinks to himself, I've got to see these two old-timers having sex against a fence. I'll just keep an eye on them so there's no trouble. So he follows them. The elderly couple walks haltingly along, leaning on each other for support aided by walking sticks. Finally, they get to the back of the tavern and make their way to the fence The old lady lifts her skirt and the old man drops his trousers. As she leans against the fence, the old man moves in.. Then suddenly they erupt into the most furious sex that the policeman has ever seen. This goes on for about ten minutes while both are making loud noises and moaning and screaming. Finally, they both collapse, panting on the ground. The policeman is amazed. He thinks he has learned something about life and old age that he didn't know. After about half an hour of lying on the ground recovering, the old couple struggle to their feet and put their clothes back on. The policeman, is still watching and thinks to himself, this is truly amazing, I've got to ask them what their secret is. So, as the couple passes, he says to them, "Excuse me, but that was something else. You must've had a fantastic sex life together. Is there some sort of secret to this?" Shaking, the old man is barely able to reply, "Fifty years ago that wasn't an electric fence."
Golf Poem
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, And Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow. Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs And losers of balls! A recent study found that the average golfer Walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that golfers drink, on Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon! Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you Feel like a hybrid........
In My Hand I Hold A Ball, White And Dimpled, And Rather Small. Oh, How Bland It Does Appear, This Harmless Looking Little Sphere. By Its Size I Could Not Guess The Awesome Strength It Does Possess. But Since I Fell Beneath Its Spell, I've Wandered Through The Fires Of Hell. My Life Has Not Been Quite The Same Since I Chose To Play This Stupid Game. It Rules My Mind For Hours On End; A Fortune It Has Made Me Spend.
It Has Made Me Curse And Made Me Cry, And Hate Myself And Want To Die. It Promises Me A Thing Called Par, If I Hit It Straight And Far. To Master Such A Tiny Ball, Should Not Be Very Hard At All. But My Desires The Ball Refuses, And Does Exactly As It Chooses.
It Hooks And Slices, Dribbles And Dies, And Disappears Before My Eyes. Often It Will Have A Whim, To Hit A Tree Or Take A Swim. With Miles Of Grass On Which To Land, It Finds A Tiny Patch Of Sand. Then Has Me Offering Up My Soul, If Only It Would Find The Hole. It's Made Me Whimper Like A Pup, And Swear That I Will Give It Up. And Take To Drink To Ease My Sorrow, But The Ball Knows ... I'll Be Back Tomorrow. Stand proud you noble swingers of clubs And losers of balls! A recent study found that the average golfer Walks about 900 miles a year. Another study found that golfers drink, on Average, 22 gallons of alcohol a year. This means that, on average, golfers get about 41 miles to the gallon! Kind of makes you proud. Almost makes you Feel like a hybrid........
A Harley dude is strolling through the Taronga Park Zoo, Sydney, when he sees a little girl leaning into the Lions' cage. Suddenly, a Lion pounces at the fence and grabs her by the cuff of her jacket and tries to pull her inside under the eyes of her screaming parents. The biker runs to the cage and hits the Lion square on the nose with a powerful punch. Whimpering from the pain, the Lion jumps back, letting go of the girl and the biker brings her to her terrified parents who thank him endlessly. An ABC TV team by chance recorded the entire event. The reporter has watched the whole event. The reporter, addressing the biker says, 'Mate, that was the most gallant and brave thing I've seen a man do in my whole life.' Harley rider replies it was nothing, really. The Lion was behind bars. I just saw this little kid in danger and acted.' The reporter says, 'Well, I'll make sure this won't go unnoticed. I'm a journalist and tonight’s 7 o’clock News and 7.30 Report will run this story at the top of the program. So, what do you do for a living and what political affiliation do you have?' The biker replied, 'I'm an SAS soldier just returned from Afghanistan and a Liberal party supporter.' The ABC journalist makes a few notes and leaves.
That evening the biker sits down to watch the news report of his actions, and sees first thing on the news:
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
Pretty much sums up the ABC's media's approach these days!
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV... The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
That evening the biker sits down to watch the news report of his actions, and sees first thing on the news:
SAS SOLDIER ASSAULTS AFRICAN IMMIGRANT AND STEALS HIS LUNCH.
Pretty much sums up the ABC's media's approach these days!
Jack, a handsome man, walked into a sports bar around 9:58 pm. He sat down next to this blonde at the bar and stared up at the TV... The 10:00 news was on. The news crew was covering a story of a man on a ledge of a large building preparing to jump. The blonde looked at Jack and said, "Do you think he'll jump?" Jack says, "You know what, I bet he will." The blonde replied, "Well, I bet he won't." Jack placed $30 on the bar and said, "You're on!" Just as the blonde placed her money on the bar, the guy did a swan dive off of the building, falling to his death. The blonde was very upset and handed her $30 to Jack, saying, "Fair's fair... Here's your money." Jack replied, "I can't take your money, I saw this earlier on the 5 o'clock news and knew he would jump. "The blonde replies, "I did too; but I didn't think he'd do it again." Jack took the money.
One evening a Husband, thinking he was being funny, said to his wife, 'Perhaps we should start washing your clothes in 'Slim Fast '. Maybe it would take a few inches off of your butt! ' His wife was not amused, and decided that she simply couldn't let such a comment go un-rewarded. The next morning the husband took a pair of underwear out of his drawer. 'What in the world is this?' he said to himself as a little 'dust ' cloud appeared when he shook them out.
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker, 'It 's not talcum powder; it 's 'Miracle Grow '!!!!!
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and crept into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read... "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read... "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line was unravelling at a great rate and was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read... "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK :
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!! We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!! Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 50c bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive? LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
IMMUTABLE LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that? (I am so loving this one).
Understanding Engineers 6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers 7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers 8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of congress.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
n 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same fxxking elephant.
60th High School Reunion He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles .They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes? or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No? "Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
Old Goat Quiz Great mental exercise for the over 60 crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5 didn't you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely....sometimes I worry about you
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back".
Degrees of Blondness
FIRSTDEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down
to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You
dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting
her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
T wo blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde. "Do what?" asked #2 Blonde . "Send my lawn out to be mown
A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician asked to hear a rendering of the ALP's "It's Time". The ABC reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead, his face would be on TV. The SAS trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun. "Because", said the trooper, "when we get back to Australia, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack” !!
Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't SMART!!
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane Wakelin).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in Groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..
Brock Maclean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids During his visit to Egypt :
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of What time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it With you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott Brereton).
'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).
At least this one could have been ironic? We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
They scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which Was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of Them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. (Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but There are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a Lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' David Swartz: 'On what?'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).
And they also get paid......................a bit of a worry!?!
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't
help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.” 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here? "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here? " The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired. " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here? " "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, Whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh
The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance . He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the University of Queensland and I need some help.If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14% , how much would you take off ?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
'April', he hollered into the bathroom, 'Why did you put Talcum Powder in my underwear?'
She replied with a snicker, 'It 's not talcum powder; it 's 'Miracle Grow '!!!!!
A young man was wandering, lost, in a forest when he came upon a small house. Knocking on the door he was greeted by an ancient Chinese man with a long, grey beard. "I'm lost," said the man. "Can you put me up for the night?"
"Certainly," the Chinese man said, "but on one condition. If you so much as lay a finger on my daughter I will inflict upon you the three worst Chinese tortures known to man." "OK," said the man, thinking that the daughter must be pretty old as well, and entered the house. Before dinner the daughter came down the stairs. She was young, beautiful and had a fantastic figure. She was obviously attracted to the young man as she couldn't keep her eyes off him during the meal. Remembering the old man's warning he ignored her and went up to bed alone. But during the night he could bear it no longer and crept into her room for a night of passion. He was careful to keep everything quiet so the old man wouldn't hear and, near dawn, he crept back to his room, exhausted but happy. He woke to feel a pressure on his chest. Opening his eyes he saw a large rock on his chest with a note on it that read... "Chinese Torture 1: Large rock on chest."
"Well, that's pretty crappy," he thought. "If that's the best the old man can do then I don't have much to worry about." He picked the boulder up, walked over to the window and threw the boulder out. As he did so he noticed another note on it that read... "Chinese Torture 2: Rock tied to left testicle." In a panic he glanced down and saw the line was unravelling at a great rate and was already getting close to taut. Figuring that a few broken bones was better than castration, he jumped out of the window after the boulder. As he plummeted downward he saw a large sign on the ground that read... "Chinese Torture 3: Right testicle tied to bedpost
Here is an actual sign posted at a golf club in Scotland , UK :
1. BACK STRAIGHT, KNEES BENT
2..FEET SHOULDER WIDTH APART.
3.FORM A LOOSE GRIP
4.KEEP YOUR HEAD DOWN!
5.STAY OUT OF THE WATER.
6. TRY NOT TO HIT ANYONE.
7.IF YOU ARE TAKING TOO LONG,
LET OTHERS GO AHEAD OF YOU
8.DON'T STAND DIRECTLY
IN FRONT OF OTHERS.
9.QUIET PLEASE...WHILE OTHERS
ARE PREPARING.
10.DON'T TAKE EXTRA STROKES.
WELL DONE.. NOW, FLUSH THE URINAL,
GO OUTSIDE, AND TEE OFF
(Under the age of 40? You won't understand.)
My mum used to cut chicken, chop eggs and spread butter on bread on the same cutting board with the same knife and no bleach, but we didn't seem to get food poisoning. Our school sandwiches were wrapped in wax paper in a brown paper bag, not in ice pack coolers, but I can't remember getting e. coli. Almost all of us would have rather gone swimming in the lake or at the beach instead of a pristine pool (talk about boring), no beach closures then.
We all took PE ..... and risked permanent injury with a pair of Dunlop sandshoes instead of having cross-training athletic shoes with air cushion soles and built in light reflectors that cost as much as a small car. I can't recall any injuries but they must have happened because they tell us how much safer we are now. We got the cane for doing something wrong at school, they used to call it discipline yet we all grew up to accept the rules and to honour & respect those older than us. We had 30+ kids in our class and we all learned to read and write, do maths and spell almost all the words needed to write a grammatically correct letter......., FUNNY THAT!! We all said prayers in school and sang the national anthem, and staying in detention after school caught all sorts of negative attention. I thought that I was supposed to accomplish something before I was allowed to be proud of myself. I just can't recall how bored we were without computers, Play Station, Nintendo, X-box or 270 digital TV cable stations. We weren't!! Oh yeah ... and where was the antibiotics and sterilisation kit when I got that bee sting? I could have been killed! We played “King of the Hill” on piles of gravel left on vacant building sites and when we got hurt, mum pulled out the 50c bottle of iodine and then we got our backside spanked. Now it's a trip to the emergency room, followed by a 10 day dose of antibiotics and then mum calls the lawyer to sue the contractor for leaving a horribly vicious pile of gravel where it was such a threat. To top it off, not a single person I knew had ever been told that they were from a dysfunctional family. How could we possibly have known that? We never needed to get into group therapy and/or anger management classes. We were obviously so duped by so many societal ills, that we didn't even notice that the entire country wasn't taking Prozac! How did we ever survive? LOVE TO ALL OF US WHO SHARED THIS ERA. AND TO ALL WHO DIDN'T, SORRY FOR WHAT YOU MISSED I WOULDN'T TRADE IT FOR ANYTHING!
IMMUTABLE LAWS
1. Law of Mechanical Repair After your hands become coated with grease, your nose will begin to itch and you'll have to pee.
2. Law of Gravity Any tool, nut, bolt, screw, when dropped, will roll to the least accessible place in the universe.
3. Law of Probability The probability of being watched is directly proportional to the stupidity of your act.
4. Law of Random Numbers If you dial a wrong number, you never get a busy signal; someone always answers.
5. Variation Law If you change lines (or traffic lanes), the one you were in will always move faster than the one you are in now.
6. Law of the Bath When the body is fully immersed in water, the telephone will ring.
7. Law of Close Encounters The probability of meeting someone you know INCREASES dramatically when you are with someone you don't want to be seen with.
8. Law of the Result When you try to prove to someone that a machine won't work, IT WILL!!!
9. Law of Biomechanics The severity of the itch is inversely proportional to the reach.
10. Law of the Theaters & Sports Arenas - At any event, the people whose seats are furthest from the aisle, always arrive last.. They are the ones who will leave their seats several times to go for food, beer, or the toilet and who leave early before the end of the performance or the game is over. The folks in the aisle seats come early, never move once, have long gangly legs or big bellies and stay to the bitter end of the performance. The aisle people also are very surly folk.
11. The Coffee Law As soon as you sit down to a cup of hot coffee, your boss will ask you to do something which will last until the coffee is cold.
12. Murphy's Law of Lockers If there are only 2 people in a locker room, they will have adjacent lockers.
13. Law of Physical Surfaces The chances of an open-faced jelly sandwich landing face down on a floor are directly correlated to the newness and cost of the carpet or rug.
14. Law of Logical Argument Anything is possible IF you don't know what you are talking about.
15. Law of Physical Appearance If the clothes fit, they're ugly.
16. Law of Public Speaking -- A CLOSED MOUTH GATHERS NO FEET!
17. Law of Commercial Marketing Strategy- As soon as you find a product that you really like, they will stop making it OR the store will stop selling it!
18. Doctors' Law If you don't feel well, make an appointment to go to the doctor, by the time you get there, you'll feel better. But don't make an appointment and you'll stay sick.
Understanding Engineers 1
Two engineering students were biking across a university campus when one said, "Where did you get such a great bike?"
The second engineer replied, "Well, I was walking along yesterday, minding my own business, when a beautiful woman rode up on this bike, threw it to the ground, took off all her clothes and said, "Take what you want."
The first engineer nodded approvingly and said, "Good choice: The clothes probably wouldn't have fit you anyway."
Understanding Engineers 2
To the optimist, the glass is half-full. To the pessimist, the glass is half-empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.
Understanding Engineers 3
A priest, a doctor, and an engineer were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers. The engineer fumed, "What's with those guys? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!" The doctor chimed in, "I don't know, but I've never seen such inept golf!" The priest said, "Here comes the greens-keeper. Let's have a word with him." He said, "Hello George, What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?" The greens-keeper replied, "Oh, yes. That's a group of blind firemen. They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free anytime!" The group fell silent for a moment. The priest said, "That's so sad. I think I will say a special prayer for them tonight."
The doctor said, "Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if here's anything she can do for them." The engineer said, "Why can't they play at night?"
Understanding Engineers 4
What is the difference between mechanical engineers and civil engineers? Mechanical engineers build weapons. Civil engineers build targets.
Understanding Engineers 5
The graduate with a science degree asks, "Why does it work?" The graduate with an engineering degree asks, "How does it work?" The graduate with an accounting degree asks, "How much will it cost?" The graduate with an arts degree asks, "Do you want fries with that? (I am so loving this one).
Understanding Engineers 6
Three engineering students were gathered together discussing who must have designed the human body. One said, "It was a mechanical engineer. Just look at all the joints." Another said, "No, it was an electrical engineer. The nervous system has many thousands of electrical connections." The last one said, "No, actually it had to have been a civil engineer. Who else would run a toxic waste pipeline through a recreational area?"
Understanding Engineers 7
Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet.
Understanding Engineers 8
An engineer was crossing a road one day, when a frog called out to him and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess." He bent over, picked up the frog, and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, "If you kiss me, I'll turn back into a beautiful princess and stay with you for one week." The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, "If you kiss me and turn me back into a princess, I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want." Again, the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked, "What is the matter? I've told you I'm a beautiful princess and that I'll stay with you for one week and do anything you want. Why won't you kiss me?" The engineer said, "Look, I'm an engineer. I don't have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog - now that's cool."
And Finally Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing. "We're supposed to find the height of this flagpole," said Sven, "but we don't have a ladder." The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, "Twenty one feet, six inches," and walked away. One engineer shook his head and laughed, "A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!" Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving as elected members of congress.
Paddy says to Mick, "Christmas is on Friday this year". Mick said, "Let's hope it's not the 13th then."
n 1986, Peter Davies was on holiday in Kenya after graduating from Louisiana State University . On a hike through the bush, he came across a young bull elephant standing with one leg raised in the air. The elephant seemed distressed, so Peter approached it very carefully. He got down on one knee, inspected the elephants foot, and found a large piece of wood deeply embedded in it. As carefully and as gently as he could, Peter worked the wood out with his knife, after which the elephant gingerly put down its foot. The elephant turned to face the man and with a rather curious look on its face, stared at him for several tense moments. Peter stood frozen, thinking of nothing else but being trampled. Eventually the elephant trumpeted loudly, turned and walked away. Peter never forgot that elephant or the events of that day. Twenty years later, Peter was walking through the Chicago Zoo with his teenaged son. As they approached the elephant enclosure, one of the creatures turned and walked over to near where Peter and his son Cameron were standing. The large bull elephant stared at Peter, lifted its front foot off the ground, then put it down. The elephant did that several times then trumpeted loudly, all the while staring at the man. Remembering the encounter in 1986, Peter could not help wondering if this was the same elephant. Peter summoned up his courage, climbed over the railing and made his way into the enclosure. He walked right up to the elephant and stared back in wonder. The elephant trumpeted again, wrapped its trunk around one of Peter legs and slammed him against the railing, killing him instantly. Probably wasn't the same fxxking elephant.
60th High School Reunion He was a widower and she a widow.
They had known each other for a number of years being high school classmates and having attended class reunions in the past without fail. This 60th anniversary of their class, the widower and the widow made a foursome with two other singles .They had a wonderful evening, their spirits high. The widower throwing admiring glances across the table.
The widow smiling coyly back at him. Finally, he picked up courage to ask her, "Will you marry me?" After about six seconds of careful consideration, she answered, "Yes,..... yes I will!" The evening ended on a happy note for the widower.
But the next morning he was troubled. Did she say Yes? or did she say No? He couldn't remember. Try as he would, he just could not recall. He went over the conversation of the previous evening, but his mind was blank. He remembered asking the question but for the life of him he could not recall her response. With fear and trepidation, he picked up the phone and called her. First, he explained that he couldn't remember as well as he used to. Then he reviewed the past evening. As he gained a little more courage he then inquired of her. "When I asked if you would marry me, did you say Yes? or did you say No? "Why you silly man, I said Yes. Yes I will ! And I meant it with all my heart." The widower was delighted. He felt his heart skip a beat. Then she continued. "And I am so glad you called because I couldn't remember who asked me!”
Old Goat Quiz Great mental exercise for the over 60 crowd. Which of the following names are you familiar with?
1. Monica Lewinsky
2. Spiro Agnew
3. Benito Mussolini
4. Adolf Hitler
5. Jorge Bergoglio
6. Alfonse Capone
7. Vladimir Putin
8. Linda Lovelace
9. Saddam Hussein
10. Tiger Woods
You had trouble with #5 didn't you? You know all the liars, criminals, adulterers, murderers, thieves, sluts and cheaters, but you don't know the Pope?? Lovely, just lovely....sometimes I worry about you
A lady goes to her parish priest one day and tells him, "Father, I have a problem. I have two female parrots but they only know how to say one thing". "What do they say?" the priest inquired. "They say, 'Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?'" the woman said embarrassingly. "That's obscene!" the priest exclaimed, "I can see why you are embarrassed." He thought a minute and then said, "You know, I may have a solution to this problem. I have two male parrots whom I have taught to pray and read the Bible. Bring your two parrots over to my house and we will put them in the cage with Francis and Job. My parrots can teach your parrots to praise and worship. I'm sure your parrots will stop saying that...that phrase in no time." "Thank you," the lady responded, "this may very well be the solution." The next day, she brought her female parrots to the priest's house. As he ushered her in, she saw his two male parrots were inside their cage, holding their rosary beads and praying. Impressed, she walked over and placed her parrots in with them. After just a couple of seconds, the female parrots exclaimed out in unison, "Hi, we're prostitutes. Do you want to have some fun?" There was a stunned silence. Finally, one male parrot looked over at the other male parrot and said, "Put the beads away, Francis, our prayers have been answered!"
On the morning that Daylight Savings Time ended I stopped in to visit my aging friend. He was busy covering his penis with black shoe polish. I said to him, "You better get your hearing checked. You're supposed to turn your clock back".
Degrees of Blondness
FIRSTDEGREE A married couple were asleep when the phone rang at 2 in the morning. The very blonde wife picked up the phone, listened a moment and said 'How should I know, that's 200 miles from here!' and hung up. The husband said, 'Who was that?' The wife answered, 'I don't know, some woman wanting to know if the coast is clear.'
SECOND DEGREE Two blondes are walking down the street. One notices a compact on the sidewalk and leans down
to pick it up. She opens it, looks in the mirror and says, 'Hmm, this person looks familiar.' The second blonde says, 'Here, let me see!' So, the first blonde hands her the compact. The second blonde looks in the mirror and says, 'You
dummy, it's me!'
THIRD DEGREE A blonde suspects her boyfriend of cheating on her, so she goes out and buys a gun. She goes to his apartment unexpectedly and when she opens the door she finds him in the arms of a redhead. Well, the blonde is really angry. She opens her purse to take out the gun and, as she does so, she is overcome with grief. She takes the gun and puts it to her head. The boyfriend yells, 'No, honey, don't do it!!!' The blonde replies, 'Shut up, you're next!'
FOURTH DEGREE A blonde was bragging about her knowledge of state capitals. She proudly says, 'Go ahead, ask me, ... I know 'em all.' A friend says, 'OK, what's the capital of Wisconsin?' The blonde replies, 'Oh, that's easy .. it's W.'
FIFTH DEGREE Q: What did the blonde ask her doctor when he told her she was pregnant? A: 'Is it mine?'
SIXTH DEGREE Bambi, a blonde in her fourth year as a UCLA Freshman, sat in her US government class. The professor asked Bambi if she knew what Roe vs. Wade was about. Bambi pondered the question; then, finally, said, 'That was the decision George Washington had to make before he crossed the Delaware.'
SEVENTH DEGREE Returning home from work, a blonde was shocked to find her house ransacked and burglarized.
She telephoned the police at once and reported the crime. The police dispatcher broadcast the call on the radio and a K-9 unit, patrolling nearby, was the first to respond. As the K-9 officer approached the house with his dog on a leash, the blonde ran out on the porch, shuddered at the sight of the cop and his dog, then sat down on the steps. Putting
her face in her hands, she moaned, I come home to find all my possessions stolen. I call the police for help and what do they do? They send me a BLIND policeman!'
T wo blondes were sipping their Starbucks when a truck went past loaded up with rolls of sod. "I'm going to do that when I win the lottery," announced #1 Blonde. "Do what?" asked #2 Blonde . "Send my lawn out to be mown
A left wing politician, a TV reporter and a SAS trooper were captured by ISIS. They were sentenced to death by beheading. The ISIS leader said they could have one last wish each before sentence was carried out. The politician asked to hear a rendering of the ALP's "It's Time". The ABC reporter asked that the beheading to be televised so that even when he was dead, his face would be on TV. The SAS trooper asked to be kicked three times up the arse. This was carried out, as the last kick landed the trooper pulled a hidden 9mm pistol out of his smock shot three terrorists dead grabbed a fallen AK47 and killed the rest of the terrorists. The other two were amazed, and asked why he requested to be kicked three times before drawing the gun. "Because", said the trooper, "when we get back to Australia, I don't want you pair of bastards saying it was an unprovoked attack” !!
Who said Aussie Rules footballers aren't SMART!!
'I owe a lot to my parents, especially my mother and father.' (Shane Wakelin).
'Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein' (Mick Malthouse - Collingwood).
'I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes.' (Peter Bell - Fremantle - on his University Law studies).
'You guys line up alphabetically by height.' and 'You guys pair up in Groups of three, then line up in a circle.'
(Barry Hall Sydney Captain at training)..
Brock Maclean ( Melbourne ) on whether he had visited the Pyramids During his visit to Egypt :
'I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to.'
'He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of What time it is.' (Kevin Sheedy on James Hird).
Jonathan Brown, on night Grand Finals vs Day Games 'It's basically the same, just darker.'
Ron Barassi talking about Gary Cowton 'I told him, 'Son, what is it With you. Is it ignorance or apathy?'
He said, 'Barass, I don't know and I don't care.'
Barry Hall ( Sydney ) when asked about the upcoming season: 'I want to kick 70 or 80 goals this season, whichever comes first.'
'Luke Hodge - the 21 year old, who turned 22 a few weeks ago' (Dermott Brereton).
'Chad had done a bit of mental arithmetic with a calculator.' (Mark Williams).
At least this one could have been ironic? We actually got the winning goal three minutes from the end but then
They scored.' (Ben Cousins, West Coast Eagles).
'I've never had major knee surgery on any other part of my body.' (Luke Darcy).
'That kick was absolutely unique, except for the one before it which Was identical.' (Dermott Brereton).
'Sure there have been injuries and deaths in football - but none of Them serious.' (Adrian Anderson).
'If history repeats itself, I should think we can expect the same thing again. (Andrew Demetriou).
'I would not say he (Chris Judd) is the best centreman in the AFL but There are none better.' (Dermott Brereton).
'I never comment on umpires and I'm not going to break the habit of a Lifetime for that prat.' (Terry Wallace).
Garry Lyon : 'Have you ever thought of writing your autobiography?' David Swartz: 'On what?'
'Well, either side could win it, or it could be a draw.' (Dermott Brereton).
And they also get paid......................a bit of a worry!?!
ACTUAL AUSTRALIAN COURT DOCKET
A lady about 8 months pregnant got on a bus. She noticed the man opposite her was smiling at her.
She immediately moved to another seat. This time the smile turned into a grin, so she moved again.
The man seemed more amused. When on the fourth move, the man burst out laughing,
She complained to the driver and he had the man arrested. The case came up in court.
The judge asked the man (about 20 years old) what he had to say for himself.
The man replied, “Well your Honor, it was like this: When the lady got on the bus, I couldn't
help but notice her condition. She sat down under a sign that said, 'The Double Mint Twins are coming' and I grinned.
Then she moved and sat under a sign that said, 'Logan's Liniment will reduce the swelling,' and I had to smile.
Then she placed herself under a deodorant sign that said, 'William's Big Stick Did the Trick,' and I could hardly contain myself. But, Your Honor, when she moved the fourth time and sat under a sign that said, 'Goodyear Rubber could have prevented this Accident!' ... I just lost it.” 'CASE DISMISSED!!'
Three dogs were sitting in the waiting room at the vet's when they struck up a conversation. The Yellow Labrador turned to the Black Labrador and said, "So why are you here? "I'm a pisser. I piss on everything....the sofa, the curtains, the cat, the kids. But the final straw was last night when I pissed in the middle of my owner's bed." The Yellow Lab said, " So what's the vet going to do? " "Gonna cut my nuts off" came the reply from the Black Lab. "They reckon it'll calm me down." The Black Lab then turned to the Yellow Lab and asked " Why are you here? " The Yellow Lab said, "I'm a digger. I dig under fences, dig up flowers and trees, I dig just for the hell of it. When I'm inside, I dig up the carpets. But I went over the line last night when I dug a great big hole in owner's couch." "So what are they going to do to you?" the Black Lab inquired. " Looks like I'm losing my nuts too," the dejected Yellow Lab said. The Black Lab then turned to the Great Dane and asked, " Why are you here? " "I'm a humper," said the Great Dane. "I'll hump anything. I'll hump the cat, a pillow, the table, fence posts, Whatever. I want to hump everything I see." "Yesterday my owner had just got out of the shower and was bending down to dry her toes, and I just couldn't help myself. I hopped on her back and started humping away." The Black and the Yellow Labs exchanged a sad glance and said, "So, it's nuts off for you too, huh
The Great Dane said, “No, apparently I'm here to get my nails clipped!"
The owner of a golf course on the Gold Coast was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical assistance . He called her into his office and said, "You graduated at the University of Queensland and I need some help.If I was to give you $20,000 minus 14% , how much would you take off ?"
The secretary thought a moment and then replied, "Everything but my earrings."
A 6 year old and a 4 year old are raking the yard. The 6 year old asks, "You know what? I think it's about time we started
learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
An aboriginal walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter :"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." He gets him a tall mug of coffee... The aboriginal drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.The next morning the aboriginal returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter :
"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway ?" The aboriginal smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in Australian Senate :
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, and leave shit for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Psychotherapy for Retirees or Old Folks
How to Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
On all your cheque stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
Sing along at The Opera.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite...
Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in'Disregard.' He
says 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is...
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers?
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?” He says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?”
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!”
learning to cuss." The 4 year old nods his head in approval. The 6 year old continues, “When we go in for breakfast, I'm gonna say something with hell and you say something with ass.” The 4 year old agrees with enthusiasm. When the mother walks into the kitchen and asks the 6 year old what he wants for breakfast, he replies, "Aw, hell, Mom, I guess I'll have some Cheerios.
WHACK! He flies out of his chair, tumbles across the kitchen floor, gets up, and runs upstairs crying his eyes out, with his mother in hot pursuit, slapping his rear with every step. His mom locks him in his room and shouts, "You can stay there until I let you out!" She then comes back downstairs, looks at the 4 year old and asks with a stern voice, "And what do YOU want for breakfast, young man?" "I don't know," he blubbers, "but you can bet your fat ass it won't be Cheerios!"
An aboriginal walks into a cafe with a shotgun in one hand pulling a male buffalo with the other. He says to the waiter :"Want coffee." The waiter says, "Sure. Coming right up." He gets him a tall mug of coffee... The aboriginal drinks the coffee down in one gulp, turns and blasts the buffalo with the shotgun, causing parts of the animal to splatter everywhere and then just walks out.The next morning the aboriginal returns. He has his shotgun in one hand, pulling another male buffalo with the other. He walks up to the counter and says to the waiter :
"Want coffee." The waiter says "Whoa! We're still cleaning up your mess from yesterday. What was all that about, anyway ?" The aboriginal smiles and proudly says, "Training for position in Australian Senate :
Come in, drink coffee, shoot the bull, and leave shit for others to clean up, disappear for rest of day."
Psychotherapy for Retirees or Old Folks
How to Maintain a Healthy Level Of Insanity in RETIREMENT...
At lunch time, sit in your parked car with sunglasses on, point a hair dryer at passing cars and watch them slow down!
On all your cheque stubs, write, "For Sexual Favors"
Skip down the street rather than walk, and see how many looks you get.
With a serious face, order a Diet Water whenever you go out to eat.
Sing along at The Opera.
When the money comes out of the ATM, scream 'I Won! I Won!'
When leaving the Zoo, start running towards the car park, yelling, 'Run For Your Lives! They're Loose!'
Tell your children over dinner, 'Due to the economy, we are going to have to let one of you go....'
Pick up a box of condoms at the pharmacy, go to the counter and ask where the fitting room is.
And The Final Way To Keep A Healthy Level Of Insanity: My Favourite...
Go to a large Department store's fitting room, drop your drawers to your ankles and yell out, "There's no paper in here!"
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US !!!!!
An elderly Floridian called 911 on her cell phone to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher. 'They've stolen the stereo, the steering wheel, the brake pedal and even the accelerator!' she cried. The dispatcher said, 'Stay calm. An officer is on the way.' A few minutes later, the officer radios in'Disregard.' He
says 'She got in the back-seat by mistake.'
Three sisters, ages 92, 94 and 96, live in a house together. One night the 96-year-old draws a bath. She puts her foot in and
pauses. She yells to the other sisters, 'Was I getting in or out of the bath?' The 94-year-old yells back, 'I don't know. I'll come up and see.' She starts up the stairs and pauses 'Was I going up the stairs or down? The 92-year-old is sitting at the kitchen
table having tea listening to her sisters, she shakes her head and says, 'I sure hope I never get that forgetful, knock on wood.' She then yells, 'I'll come up and help both of you as soon as I see who's at the door.'
Three retirees, each with a hearing loss, were playing golf one fine March day. One remarked to the other, 'Windy, isn't it?'
'No,' the second man replied, 'it's Thursday.' And the third man chimed in, 'So am I. Let's have a beer.'
A little old lady was running up and down the halls in a nursing home. As she walked, she would flip up the hem of her nightgown and say 'Supersex.' She walked up to an elderly man in a wheelchair. Flipping her gown at him, she said, Supersex.' He sat silently for a moment or two and finally answered, 'I'll take the soup.'
Two elderly ladies had been friends for many decades. Over the years, they had shared all kinds of activities and adventures. Lately, their activities had been limited to meeting a few times a week to play cards. One day, they were playing cards when one looked at the other and said, 'Now don't get mad at me I know we've been friends for a long time, but I just can't think of your name! I've thought And thought, but I can't remember it. Please tell me what your name is...
Her friend glared at her for at least three minutes she just stared and glared at her. Finally she said, 'How soon do you need to know?'
TELL ME THIS WON'T HAPPEN TO US!!!
A Mafia Godfather finds out that his bookkeeper, Guido, has cheated him out of $10,000,000.00
His bookkeeper is deaf. That was the reason he got the job in the first place. It was assumed that Guido would hear nothing so he would not have to testify in court. When the Godfather goes to confront Guido about his missing $10 million, he takes along his lawyer who knows sign language. The Godfather tells the lawyer, "Ask him where the money is! The lawyer, using sign language, asks Guido, Where's the money? Guido signs back, "I don't know what you are talking about." The lawyer tells the Godfather, "He says he doesn't know what you are talking about" The Godfather pulls out a pistol, puts it to Guido's head and says, "Ask him again or I'll kill him!" The lawyer signs to Guido, "He'll kill you if you don't tell him." Guido trembles and signs back, "OK! You win! The money is in a brown briefcase, buried behind the shed at my cousin Bruno's house. The Godfather asks the lawyer, "What did he say?" The lawyer replies, "He says you don't have the balls to pull the trigger." Don't you just love lawyers?
I was standing at the bar of Terminal 3 in the International Airport when this small Chinese guy comes in, stands next to me, and starts drinking a beer. I asked him, "Do you know any of those martial arts things, like Kung-Fu, Karate, or Ju-Jitsu?” He says "No, why the hell would you ask me that? Is it because I am Chinese?”
"No", I said, "It's because you're drinking my beer, you little prick!”
Once upon a time ... The king called on the royal weather forecaster and inquired as to the weather forecast for the next few hours. The royal weatherman assured him that there was no chance of rain for at least 4 days. So the king went fishing with his wife, the queen. On the way he met a farmer on his donkey. Upon seeing the king the farmer said, "Your Majesty, you should return to the palace! In just a short time I expect a huge amount of rain to fall in this area." The king was polite and considerate, he replied: "Thanks for your concern, but don't worry. It's not going to rain today. I hold the palace meteorologist in high regard. He is an extensively educated and experienced professional. And besides, I pay him very high wages. He gave me a very different forecast. I trust him." So the king continued on his way. However, a short time later a torrential rain fell from the sky. The King and Queen were totally soaked and their entourage chuckled upon seeing them in such a shameful condition. Furious, the king returned to the palace and gave the order to fire the professional. Then he summoned the farmer and offered him the prestigious and high paying role of royal forecaster. The farmer said, "Your Majesty, I do not know anything about forecasting. I obtained the information about rain today from my donkey. If I see my donkey's ears drooping, it means with certainty that it will rain very soon." So the king hired the donkey instead. And thus began the practice of hiring dumb asses to work in the government public service and occupy its highest and most influential positions. The practice is unbroken to this day...
One night outside a small town, a fire started inside the local chemical plant. In the blink of an eye, it exploded into massive flames. The alarm went out to all fire departments for miles around. when the volunteer fire fighters appeared on the scene, the chemical company president rushed to the fire chief and said, "All our secret formulas are in the vault in the center of the plant. They must be saved. I'll give $50,000 to the fire department that brings them out intact." But the roaring flames held the firefighters off. Soon more fire departments had to be called in as the situation became desperate. As the firemen arrived, the president shouted out that the offer was now $100,000 to the fire department who could save the company's secret files.
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land, and you would spend only $150?The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." !!
From the distance, a lone siren was heard as another fire truck came into sight. It was the nearby Chasidic Jewish rural township volunteer fire company composed mainly of Jewish, ultra-orthodox men over the age of 65. To everyone's amazement, that little broken-down fire engine roared right past all the sleek newer engines that were parked outside the plant. Without even slowing down, it drove straight into the middle of the inferno. Outside, the other firemen watched as the Chasidic old timers jumped off right in the middle of the fire and fought it back on all sides. It was a performance and effort never seen before. Within a short time, the Chasidic old timers had extinguished the fire and saved the secret formulas.
The grateful chemical company president announced that for such a superhuman feat he was upping the reward to $200,000, and walked over to thank each of the brave fire fighters personally. The local TV news reporter rushed in to capture the event on film, asking their chief, "What are you going to do with all that money?"
"Vell," said Moishe Goldberg, the 70-year-old Fire Chief, "Da foist ting ve gonna do is fix da brakes on dat truck!"
A man and his ever-nagging wife went on vacation to Jerusalem.While they were there, the wife passed away.
The undertaker told the husband, "You can have her shipped home for $5,000, or you can bury her here, in the Holy Land, for $150." The man thought about it and told him he would just have her shipped home.The undertaker asked, "Why would you spend $5,000 to ship your wife home, when it would be wonderful to be buried here in the Holy Land, and you would spend only $150?The man replied, "Long ago a man died here, was buried here, and three days later he rose from the dead. I just can't take that chance." !!
A small boy named Hameed lived in a village in Morocco. None of his classmates liked him because of his stupidity, and especially his teacher who was always yelling at him: "You are driving me crazy Hameed!"
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a barely curable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform. There were no other options. The teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but she died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong. When he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!
… don't tell me you thought that Hameed had become a flipping doctor ?
A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasnt been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. Theres no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Wheres ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Wheres your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you! says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "Youre misunderstanding me. Wheres your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collectors ear. ------- ------- ------- "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wifes sista!"
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV. When I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?" I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ...
"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
Men and Marriage
For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
*********
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
**********
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
**********
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
**********
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
**********
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
**********
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
One day Hameed's mother came into school to check on how he was doing. The teacher told his mother honestly, that her son is simply a disaster, getting very low marks and even she had never seen such a dumb boy in her entire teaching career! The mother was shocked at the feedback and withdrew her son from the school & even moved to another town! 25 years later, the teacher was diagnosed with a barely curable cardiac disease. All the doctors strongly advised her to have an open heart operation, which only one surgeon could perform. There were no other options. The teacher decided to have the operation, which was successful. When she opened her eyes after the surgery she saw a handsome doctor smiling down at her! She wanted to thank him, but could not talk. Her face started to turn blue, she raised her hand, trying to tell him something but she died! The doctor was shocked and was trying to work out what went wrong. When he turned around he saw our friend Hameed, working as a cleaner in the clinic, who had unplugged the oxygen equipment to connect his vacuum cleaner!
… don't tell me you thought that Hameed had become a flipping doctor ?
A refuse collector in Brisbane, Australia, is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor. He goes to one house where the bin hasnt been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the front door and knocks. Theres no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder. Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man. "Gidday, mate! Wheres ya bin?" asks the collector. "I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed. Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Wheres your dust bin?" "I dust been to toiret, I toll you! says the Chinese man, still perplexed. "Listen," says the collector with added emphasis, "Youre misunderstanding me. Wheres your wheelie bin?" "OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collectors ear. ------- ------- ------- "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wifes sista!"
Last night I was sitting on the sofa watching TV. When I heard my wife's voice from the kitchen ask...
"What would you like for dinner, my love? Chicken, Beef or Lamb?" I said, "Thank you, dear, I think I'll have chicken."
She replied, "You're having soup, asshole. I was talking to the cat."
Paddy had long heard the stories of an amazing family tradition. It seems that his father, grandfather and great-grandfather had all been able to walk on water on their 18th birthday. On that special day, they'd each walked across the lake to the pub on the far side for their first legal drink. So when Paddy's 18th birthday came around, he and his pal Mick took a boat out to the middle of the lake, Paddy, stepped out of the boat ... and nearly drowned!
Mick just barely managed to pull him to safety. Furious and confused, Paddy went to see his grandmother ...
"Grandma he asked, "Tis me 18th birthday, so why can't I walk across the lake like me father, his father and his father before him?"
Granny looked deeply into Paddy's, troubled eyes and said, "Because ye father, ye grandfather and ye great-grandfather were all born in December when the lake is frozen, and ye were born in August, ya fookin idiot!"
Men and Marriage
For MEN.....and WOMEN with a bit of humour
A man was granted two wishes by God. He asked for the best drink & the best woman ever. Next moment he got mineral water & Mother Teresa.
*********
There are 3 kinds of men in this world. Some remain single and make wonders happen. Some have girlfriends and see wonders happen. Rest get married and wonder what happened!
**********
Wives are magicians. They can change anything into an argument.
**********
Why do women live a Better, Longer & Peaceful Life, compared to men? A very INTELLIGENT student replied: "Because Women don't have a wife!"
**********
COOL MESSAGE BY A WIFE: Dear Mother-in-law, Don't teach me how to handle my children. I am living with one of yours and he needs a lot of improvement!?
**********
When a married man says, I WILL THINK ABOUT IT - what he really means is that he doesn't know his wife's opinion yet.
**********
A lady says to her doctor: "My husband has a habit of talking in his sleep! What should I give him to cure it?"
The doctor replies: "Give him an opportunity to speak when he's awake! "
SIMPLE TRUTH 1:
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband
.
An old doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open his edical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Another Doctor "Doc.Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
Lovers help each other undress before sex. However after sex, they always dress on their own.
Simple Truth: In life, no one helps you once you're screwed.
SIMPLE TRUTH 2:
When a lady is pregnant, all her friends touch her stomach and say, "Congrats". But, none of them touch the man's penis and say, "Good job". Simple Truth: Some members of a team are never appreciated.
FIVE OTHER SIMPLE TRUTHS:
1. Money cannot buy happiness, but it's more comfortable to cry in a Corvette than on a bicycle
2. Forgive your enemy, but remember the asshole's name.
3. If you help someone when they're in trouble, they will remember you when they're in trouble again.
4. Many people are alive only because it's illegal to kill them.
5. Alcohol does not solve any problems, but then neither does milk.
Bonus Truth: Condoms don't guarantee safe sex.
A friend of mine was wearing one when he was shot by the woman's husband
.
An old doctor became very bored in retirement and decided to re-open his edical clinic.
He put a sign up outside that said: "Dr. Geezer's Clinic. Get your treatment for $500, if not cured, get back $1,000."
Another Doctor "Doc.Young," who was positive that this old geezer didn't know beans about medicine,
thought this would be a great opportunity to get $1,000. So he went to Dr. Geezer's clinic.
Dr. Young: "Dr. Geezer, I have lost all taste in my mouth. Can you please help me?
Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in Dr. Young's mouth."
Dr. Young: Aaagh !! "This is Gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your taste back. That will be $500."
Dr. Young gets annoyed and goes back after a couple of days figuring to recover his money.
Dr. Young: "I have lost my memory, I cannot remember anything." Dr. Geezer: "Nurse, please bring medicine from box 22 and put 3 drops in the patient's mouth."
Dr. Young: "Oh, no you don't, that is gasoline!" Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You've got your memory back. That will be
$500." Dr. Young (after having lost $1000) leaves angrily and comes back after several more days.
Dr. Young: "My eyesight has become weak --- I can hardly see anything!!!! Dr. Geezer: "Well, I don't have any medicine for that so, here's your $1000 back." (giving him a $10 bill) Dr. Young: "But this is only $10!
Dr. Geezer: "Congratulations! You got your vision back! That will be $500."
Moral of story -- Just because you're "Young" doesn't mean that you can outsmart an "old Geezer".
Remember: Don't make old people mad. We don't like being old in the first place, so it doesn't take much to tick us off.
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks. "Feeling fine," says the old man. "What's the food like?" "Terrific, wonderful menus." "And the nursing?" "Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take are of you." "What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?" "No problem at all nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup
of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well . The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to question the nurse in charge.
"What are you people doing," he says, "I'm told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can't be true?" "Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup
of chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well . The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
JUST PLAIN NEAT INFORMATION..........
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at
lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
Glass takes one million years to decompose, which means it never wears out and can be recycled an infinite amount of times!
Gold is the only metal that doesn't rust, even if it's buried in the ground for thousands of years.
Your tongue is the only muscle in your body that is attached at only one end.
If you stop getting thirsty , you need to drink more water. When a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.
Zero is the only number that cannot be represented by Roman numerals.
Kites were used in the American Civil War to deliver letters and newspapers.
The song Auld Lang Syne is sung at the stroke of midnight in almost every English-speaking country in the world to bring in the new year.
Drinking water after eating reduces the acid in your mouth by 61 percent. Drinking a glass of water before you eat may help digestion and curb appetite.
Peanut oil is used for cooking in submarines because it doesn't smoke unless it's heated above 450F.
The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.
Nine out of every 10 living things live in the ocean.
The banana cannot reproduce itself. It can be propagated only by the hand of man.
Airports at higher altitudes require a longer airstrip due to lower air density.
The University of Alaska spans four time zones.
The tooth is the only part of the human body that cannot heal itself.
In ancient Greece , tossing an apple to a girl was a traditional proposal of marriage. Catching it meant she accepted.
Warner Communications paid 28 million for the copyright to the song Happy Birthday, which was written in 1935!
Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.
A comet's tail always points away from the sun.
The Swine Flu vaccine in 1976 caused more death and illness than the disease it was intended to prevent.
Caffeine increases the power of aspirin and other painkillers, that is why it is found in some medicines.
The military salute is a motion that evolved from medieval times, when knights in armor raised their visors to reveal their identity.
If you get into the bottom of a well or a tall chimney and look up, you can see stars, even in the middle of the day.
When a person dies, hearing is the last sense to go. The first sense lost is sight.
In ancient times strangers shook hands to show that they were unarmed.
Strawberries and cashews are the only fruits whose seeds grow on the outside.
Avocados have the highest calories of any fruit at 167 calories per hundred grams.
The moon moves about two inches away from the Earth each year.
The Earth gets 100 tons heavier every day due to falling space dust.
Due to earth's gravity it is impossible for mountains to be higher than 15,000 meters.
Mickey Mouse is known as "Topolino" in Italy.
Soldiers do not march in step when going across bridges because they could set up a vibration which could be sufficient to knock the bridge down.
Everything weighs one percent less at the equator.
For every extra kilogram carried on a space flight, 530 kg of excess fuel are needed at
lift-off.
The letter J does not appear anywhere on the periodic table of the elements.
A little boy was walking down a dirt road after church one Sunday afternoon when he came to a crossroads where he met a little girl coming from the other direction. 'Hello,' said the little boy 'Hi,' replied the little girl. 'Where are you going?' asked the little boy. 'I've been to church this morning and I'm on my way home,' Answered the little girl. 'I'm also on my way home from church. Which church do you go to?' asked the little boy. 'I go to the Anglican church back down the road,' replied the little girl. 'What about you? ' I go to the Presbyterian church back at the top of the hill,' replied the little boy. They discover that they are both going the same way So they decided that they'd walk together. They came to a low spot in the road where spring rains had partially flooded the road, so there was no way that they could get across to the other side without getting wet. 'If I get my new Sunday dress wet, my Mom's going to skin me alive,' said the little girl. 'My Mom'll tan my hide, too, if I get my new Sunday suit wet,' replied the little boy. 'I tell you what I think I'll do,' said the little girl. 'I'm gonna pull off all my clothes and hold them over my head and wade across.' 'That's a good idea,'replied the little boy. 'I'm going to do the same thing with my suit.' So they both undressed and waded across to the other side without getting their clothes wet. They were standing there in the sun waiting to drip dry before putting their clothes back on, when the little boy finally remarked: 'You know, I never realized before just how much difference there really is between an ANGLICAN and a PRESBYTERIAN!!
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G. The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part G) and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? No problem. Need glasses? That's great. Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
And now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes!
Tea is more dangerous than beer. Please avoid drinking tea. I discovered this last night, I had 14 beers till 3am at the pub while my wife was just drinking tea at home.You should have seen how violent and angry she was when I got home. I was peaceful, silent and headed to bed as she shouted at me... all night and even into the next morning.
Please ladies, if you can't handle your tea, don't drink it...
Today's riddle for seniors... Here is the situation:
You are on a horse, galloping at a constant speed. On your right side is a sharp drop-off.
On your left side is an elephant traveling at the same speed as you.
Directly in front of you is a galloping kangaroo and your horse is unable to overtake it.
Behind you is a lion running at the same speed as you and the kangaroo. What must you do to get out of this highly dangerous situation? see answer below
..............
Get off the merry-go-round and go home;
You've had enough excitement for one day...
This should make you smile. You have to love little kids.
The children began to identify the flavors by their color:
Red....................Cherry
Yellow................Lemon
Green..................Lime
Orange ..............Orange
Finally the teacher gave them all HONEY lifesavers. None of the children could identify the taste.
The teacher said, 'I will give you all a clue. It's what your mother may sometimes call your father.'
One little girl looked up in horror, spit her lifesaver out and yelled, 'Oh my God! They're ass-holes!
The teacher had to leave the room!
Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it's all tongue and groove...
Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7 and 8...
Paddy thought his new girlfriend might be the one but after looking through her knickers drawer and finding a nurse's outfit, a French maids outfit, and a police woman’s uniform, he finally decided if she can't hold down a job, she's not for him...
I got sacked from my job as a bingo caller the other day apparently, 'A meal for two with a terrible view' isn't the best way to announce number 69...
After 100 years lying on the seabed, Irish divers were amazed to find that the Titanic’s swimming pool was still full..
A crusty old Army Sergeant Major found himself at a gala event hosted by a local liberal arts college.
There was no shortage of extremely young idealistic ladies in attendance, one of whom approached the Sergeant Major for conversation. "Excuse me, Sergeant Major, but you seem to be a very serious man. Is > something bothering you?"
"Negative, ma'am. Just serious by nature." > The young lady looked at his awards and decorations and said, "It
looks like you have seen a lot of action." "Yes, ma'am, a lot of action."
The young lady, tiring of trying to start up a conversation, said, "You know, you should lighten up. Relax and enjoy yourself."
The Sergeant Major just stared at her in his serious manner. Finally the young lady said, "You know, I hope you don't take this the wrong way, but when is the last time you had sex? "1955, ma'am."
"Well, there you are. No wonder you're so serious. You really need to chill out! I mean, no sex since 1955! She took his hand and led him to a private room where she proceeded to “relax” him.
Afterwards, panting for breath, she leaned against his bare chest and said, "Wow, you sure didn't forget much since 1955."
The Sergeant Major said, after glancing at his watch, "I hope not; it's only 2130 now."
(Gotta love military time!)
CBS Golf Announcer - David Feherty He said one day, "It would be easier to pick a broken nose, than a winner in that group." Feherty is a CBS and Golf Channel announcer, who finds very unique, colourful and uninhibited ways of explaining or describing whatever is on his mind...(probably always on time delay these days).
Feherty Quotes:
"Fortunately, Rory is 22 years old so his right wrist should be the strongest muscle in his body."
"That ball is so far left, Lassie couldn't find it if it was wrapped in bacon."
" I am sorry Nick Faldo couldn't be here this week. He is attending the birth of his next wife."
Jim Furyk's swing "looks like an octopus falling out of a tree."
Describing VJ Singh's prodigious practice regime - "VJ hits more balls than Elton John's chin." (Thought I was going to hurt myself laughing at this one.)
"That's a great shot with that swing."
"It's OK - the bunker stopped it."
"It's just a glorious day. The only way to ruin a day like this would be to play golf on it."
"That was a great shot - if they'd have put the pin there today."
"Watching Phil Mickelson play golf is like watching a drunk chasing a balloon near the edge of a cliff."
"That green appears smaller than a Pygmies' nipple".
A group of seniors were sitting around talking about all their ailments at the Prince Albert Tim Hortons on 2nd Ave.
"My arms have got so weak I can hardly lift this cup of coffee," said one.
"Yes, I know," said another. "My cataracts are so bad; I can't even see my coffee."
"I couldn't even mark an "X" at election time because my hands are so crippled," volunteered a third.
"What? Speak up! What? I can't hear you” said one elderly lady.
"I can't turn my head because of the arthritis in my neck," said one, to which several nodded weakly in agreement.
"My blood pressure pills make me so dizzy!" exclaimed another.
"I forget where I am, and where I'm going," said another.
"I guess that's the price we pay for getting old” winced an old man as he slowly shook his head.
The others nodded in agreement.
"Well, count your Blessings," said a woman cheerfully. "Thank God we can all still drive.
Dear Son,
Just a few lines to let you know I'm still alive. I'm writing this letter slowly because I know you can't read fast
We are all doing very well. You won't recognize the house when you get home - we have moved. Your dad
read in the newspaper that most accidents happen within 20 miles from your home, so we moved 30 miles away.
I won't be able to send you the address because the last Irish family that lived here took the house numbers when they moved so that they wouldn't have to change their address. This place is really nice. It even has a washing machine. I'm not sure it works so well though: last week I put a load in, pulled the chain and haven't seen it since.
Your father's got a really good job now. He's got 500 men under him - he's cutting the grass at the cemetery.
Your sister Mary had a baby this morning but I haven't found out if it's a boy or a girl, so I don't know whether you are an auntie or an uncle.
Your brother Tom is still in the army. He's only been there a short while and they've already made him a court martial!
Your Uncle Patrick drowned last week in a vat of whiskey in the Dublin Brewery. Some of his workmates tried to save him but he fought them off bravely. They cremated him and it took three days to put out the fire.
I'm sorry to say that your cousin Seamus was arrested while riding his bicycle last week. They are charging him with dope peddling
I went to the doctor on Thursday and your father went with me. The doctor put a small tube in my mouth and told me not to talk for ten minutes. Your father offered to buy it from him.
The weather isn't bad here. It only rained twice this week, first for three days and then for four days. Monday was so windy one of the chickens laid the same egg four times
We had a letter from the undertaker. He said if the last payment on your grandmother's plot wasn't paid in seven days, up she comes.
About that coat you wanted me to send you: your Uncle Stanley said it would be too heavy to send in the mail with the buttons on, so we cut them off and put them in one of the pockets
John locked his keys in the car yesterday. We were really worried because it took him two hours to get me and your father out
Three of your friends went off a bridge in a pick-up truck. Ralph was driving. He rolled down the window and swam to safety. Your other two friends were in the back. They drowned because they couldn't get the tailgate down.
There isn't much more news at this time. Nothing much has happened. Your loving Mum.
P..S. I was going to send you some money but I had already sealed the envelope
A SIGN IN A SHOE REPAIR STORE IN VANCOUVER THAT READ: "We will heel you We will save your sole We will even dye for you."
At an Optometrist's Office: "If you don't see what you're looking for, you've come to the right place."
On a Plumber's truck: "We repair what your husband fixed."
On another Plumber's truck: "Don't sleep with a drip. Call your plumber."
On an Electrician's truck: "Let us remove your shorts."
At a Car Dealership: "The best way to get back on your feet – miss a car payment."
Outside a Muffler Shop: "No appointment necessary. We hear you coming."
In a Veterinarian's waiting room: "Be back in 5 minutes. Sit... Stay..."
At the Electric Company: "We would be delighted if you send in your payment on time. However, if you don't, YOU will be de-lighted.
In the front yard of a Funeral Home: "Drive carefully. We'll wait."
In a Chicago Radiator Shop: "Best place in town to take a leak."
Sign on the back of a Septic Tank Truck: "Caution - this truck is full of Political Promises.
Little Susie was not the best student in Catholic School . Usually she slept through the class. One day her teacher, a Nun, called on her while she was sleeping. 'Tell me Susie, who created the universe?' When Susie didn't stir, little Johnny who was her friend sitting behind her, took his pencil and jabbed her in the rear. 'God Almighty!' shouted Susie. The Nun said, 'Very good' and continued teaching her class.. A little later the Nun asked Susie, 'Who is our Lord and Savior?' But Susie didn't stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to her rescue and stuck her in the butt. 'Jesus Christ!!!' shouted Susie. And the Nun once again said, 'Very good,' and Susie fell back asleep.. The Nun asked her a third question...'What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?' Again, Johnny came to the rescue. This time Susie jumped up and shouted, 'If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!' The nun fainted !
A few days after Christmas, a mother was working in the kitchen listening to her young son playing with his new electric train in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son said, "All of you sons of bitches who want off, get the hell off now, cause this is the last stop! And all of you sons of bitches who are getting on, get your asses in the train, cause we're going down the tracks." The mother went nuts and told her son, "We don't use that kind of language in this house. Now I want you to go to your room and you are to stay there for TWO HOURS. When you come out, you may play with your train, but I want you to use nice language." Two hours later, the son comes out of the bedroom and resumes playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard her son say, "All passengers who are disembarking from the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your trip was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon." She hears the little boy continue, "For those of you just boarding, we ask you to stow all of your hand luggage under your seat. Remember, there is no smoking on the train. We hope you will have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today." As the mother began to smile, the child added, "For those of you who are pissed off about the two hour delay, please see the bitch in
the kitchen."
Frank is 85 and lives in a Senior Citizens Home. Every night after dinner he goes to a secluded garden behind the home to sit and ponder his accomplishments and long life. One evening, Mildred, age 82, wanders into the garden. They begin to chat and before they know it, several hours have passed. After a short lull in their conversation, Frank turns to Mildred and asks, "Do you know what I miss most of all?" She asks, "What?'' "Sex." he replies. Mildred exclaims, "Why you old toot. You couldn't get it up if I held a gun to your head!" "I know," Frank says, "but it would be nice if a woman could just hold it for awhile." "Well, I can oblige," says Mildred, who unzips his trousers, removes his manhood and proceeds to hold it. Afterward, they agree to meet secretly each night in the garden where they would sit and talk and Mildred would hold Frank's thingie. Then one night Frank didn't show up at their usual meeting place. Alarmed, Mildred decided to find him and make sure he was O.K. She walked around the Senior Citizen Home where she found him sitting by the pool with Ethel, another female resident, who was holding Frank's little pal!
Furious, Mildred yelled, "You two-timing son-of-a-gun!! What does Ethel have that I don't have?"
Old Frank smiled happily and replied,"Parkinson's"
THE CONFESSION
Hi Fred, this is Alan next door. I have a confession to make. I've been feeling guilty these past few months and have been trying to pluck up the courage to tell you, but at least I'm telling you now in a text message as I feel bad about you not knowing. The truth is I have been sharing your wife a lot lately. In fact, probably more than you. I haven’t been able to get it at home recently, but that's no excuse, I know. The temptation was too much. I feel so guilty and I hope you will accept my sincerest apologies. It won't happen again. Please suggest a usage fee and I'll pay you.
Regards, Alan.
THE ACTIONS
Fred, feeling betrayed and insulted, grabbed his gun (he is an American, after all!), rushed next door and shot his neighbor dead. He returned home, poured himself a stiff drink and sat down on the sofa to reflect. Then he took out his phone and saw he had a second message from his neighbor:
SECOND MESSAGE
Hi Fred, Alan here again. Sorry about the typo on my last text. I guess you figured it out anyway - the damned Auto-Correct changed ‘wi-fi’ to 'wife.’ Technology, hey?
Regards, Alan
A guy is driving around the back woods of Montana and he sees a sign in front of a broken down shanty-style house: 'Talking Dog For Sale'. He rings the bell and the owner appears and tells him the dog is in the backyard. The guy goes into the backyard and sees a nice-looking Labrador retriever sitting there. "You talk?" he asks. “Yep", the Lab replies. After the guy recovers from the shock of hearing a dog talk, he says, "So, what's your story?" The Lab looks up and says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so . . . I told the CIA.
In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping. I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running, but the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals. I got married, had a mess of puppies, and now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars", the owner says. "Ten dollars? This dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?"
"Because he's a Bullshitter. He's never been out of the yard.”
Bob, a 70-year-old, extremely wealthy widower, shows up at the country club with a breathtakingly beautiful and very sexy 25 year-old blonde. She hangs onto Bob's arm and listens intently to his every word.
His buddies at the club are all aghast. At the very first chance, they corner him and ask, "Bob, how did you get the trophy girlfriend?" Bob replies, "Girlfriend? She's my wife!" They're amazed, but continue to ask, "So, how did you persuade her to marry you?" "I lied about my age", Bob replies. "What, did you tell her you were only 50?"
Bob smiles and says, "No, I told her I was 90."
An Englishman, Irishman and Scotsman went for a round of golf and their wives went along as caddies. Whilst walking around the course the Englishman's wife caught her foot in a rabbit hole, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers! The Englishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her state of undress. "Well darling, " she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices." With that the Englishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a tenner, go to Mark's and Spencer's and get some knickers.
Two holes further on the Irishman's wife caught her foot on a mole hill, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she wasn't wearing any knickers either! The Irishman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her lack of nether garments. "Well darling," she explained "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Irishman thrust his hand into his pocket and said, "Here's a fiver go to Woolworth's and get some knickers."
Three holes further on the Scotsman's wife caught her foot on an exposed root, tripped up, and landed in a heap on the ground with her skirt over her head, revealing that she too wasn't wearing any knickers! The Scotsman stormed over and angrily demanded a reason for her inadequacy in the modesty department. "Well darling," she explained, "you give me so little allowance that I have to make the odd sacrifice, usually no one notices."
With that the Scotsman thrust his hand into his pocket and said "Here's a comb, at least you can tidy yourself up a bit!"
For most of the round the golfer had argued with his caddy about club selection, but the caddy always prevailed.
Finally on the 17th hole, a 185-yard par three into the wind, the caddy handed the golfer a 4-wood and the golfer reacted. "I think it's a 3-iron," said the golfer. "No, sir it's a 4-wood," said the caddy. "Nope, it's definitely a 3-iron." So the golfer set up, took the 3-iron back slowly, and struck the ball perfectly. It tore through the wind, hit softly on the front of the green, and rolled up two feet short of the pin. "See," said the caddy. "I told you it wasn't enough club." |
I decided to go to the local Pow-Wow at the Standoff Reserve for the first time to see what it was all about:
I sat down and the Chief came up to me, laid his hands on my hand and said:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."
I told him I wasn't paralyzed, But I did have a small bunion on my left foot.
He came back and laid his hands on me and looking skywards, earnestly repeated his mantra:
"By the will of the Elders and the Great Creator - you will walk today."
Once again, I told him there really was nothing wrong with me.
After much chanting and drum beating, I stepped outside.
And WHAT THE HELL- MY CAR WAS GONE !!!!
Charlie was installing a new door and found that one of the hinges was missing.
He asked his wife Mary if she would go to Bunnings and pick up a hinge. Mary agreed to go. While she was waiting for the nice young man to finish serving a customer, her eye caught a beautiful bathroom vanity tap set....
When the man was finished, Mary asked him, "How much is that vanity set?
The young assistant manager replied, "That's a gold plated set and the price is $500.00.
Mary exclaimed, "My goodness, that is very expensive. It's certainly out of my price bracket."
She then proceeded to describe the hinge that Charlie had sent her to buy. The manager said that he had them in stock
and went into the storeroom to get one. From the storeroom the manager yelled. "Lady, do you wanna screw for the hinge?"
Mary paused for a moment and then shouted back, "No, but I will for the vanity set."
This is why you can't send a woman to Bunnings!
Oil Change instructions for Women:
1) Drive into Ultra Tune when the odometer reaches 10,000 kilometres since the last oil change.
2) Drink a cup of coffee , read free paper.
3) 15 minutes later, swipe the Visa and leave with a properly maintained vehicle.
Money spent:
Oil Change: $40.00 Coffee: $2.00 Total: $42.00
Oil Change instructions for Men:
1) Wait until Saturday, drive to auto parts store and buy a case of oil, filter, kitty litter, hand cleaner and a scented tree, swipe the Visa for $50.00.
2) Stop by the Bottle Shop and buy a slab of beer, swipe the Visa for $40, drive home.
3) Open a beer and drink it.
4) Jack car up. Spend 30 minutes looking for jack stands.
5) Find jack stands under caravan.
6) In frustration, open another beer and drink it.
7) Place drain pan under engine.
8) Look for 19 mm ring spanner.
9) Give up and use crescent wrench.
10) Unscrew drain plug.
11) Drop drain plug in pan of hot oil: splash hot oil on you in process. Curse and swear.
12) Crawl out from under car to wipe hot oil off face and arms. Throw kitty litter on spilled oil.
13) Have another beer while watching oil drain.
14) Spend 30 minutes looking for oil filter wrench.
15) Give up; crawl under car and hammer a screwdriver through oil filter and twist off.
16) Crawl out from under car with dripping oil filter splashing oil everywhere from holes. Cleverly, hide old oil filter among rubbish in rubbish bin to avoid environmental penalties.. Drink a beer.
17) Install new oil filter making sure to apply a thin coat of oil to gasket surface.
18) Dump first litre of fresh oil into engine.
19) Remember drain plug from step 11.
20) Hurry to find drain plug in drain pan.
21) Drink beer.
22) Discover that first litre of fresh oil is now on the floor. Throw kitty litter on oil spill.
23) Get drain plug back in with only a minor spill. Drink beer.
24) Crawl under car getting kitty litter into eyes. Wipe eyes with oily rag used to clean drain plug. Slip with stupid crescent wrench tightening drain plug and bang knuckles on frame removing any excess skin between knuckles and frame.
25) Begin swearing fit.
26) Throw stupid crescent wrench.
27) Swear for additional 5 minutes because wrench hit bowling trophy.
28) Beer.
29) Clean up hands and bandage as required to stop blood flow.
30) Beer.
31) Dump in five fresh litres of oil.
32) Beer.
33) Lower car from jack stands.
34) Move car back to apply more kitty litter to fresh oil spilled during any missed steps.
35) Beer.
36) Test drive car.
37) Get pulled over: arrested for driving under the influence.
38) Car is impounded.
39) Call loving wife, make bail.
40) 12 hours later, get car from impound yard.
Money spent:
Parts: $50.00
Driving Under Influence fine: $2500.00
Impound fee: $75.00
Bail: $1500.00
Beer: $40.00
Total: $4,185.00
But the job was done right!
Donald Trump addressed a major gathering of the American Indian Nation.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
Though vague in detail , he spoke about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
Afterwards, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle", which he proudly accepted. After Trump left, a news reporter asked the chiefs how they came to select this name. They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit that it can no longer fly.
A fifteen-year-old came home with a Porsche, and his parents began to yell and scream, "Where did you get that car?"
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name --
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! “Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service."
He calmly told them, "I bought it today." "With what money!?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs." "Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars." The parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars!?" they asked. "It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "Don't know her name --
they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."
"Oh my goodness!" moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on." So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived
and found her out in the yard calmly planting flowers. He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche to for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it. "Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip,but I learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary. Then apparently she stole all his money and stranded him there! “Well he called me, without a dollar to his name, and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So that's exactly what I did."
To my friends who enjoy a glass of wine and those who don't and are always seen with a bottle of water in their hand:
As Ben Franklin said: "In wine there is wisdom, In beer there is freedom, In water there is bacteria. In a number of carefully controlled trials, scientists have demonstrated that if we drink 1 litre of water each day, at the end of the year we would have absorbed more than 1 kilo of Escherichia coli, (E. Coli) - bacteria found in faeces.
In other words, we are consuming 1 kilo of poop annually.
However, We do NOT run that risk when drinking wine & beer (or rum, whiskey or other liquor) because alcohol has to go through a purification process of boiling, filtering and fermenting.
Remember: Water = Poop, Wine = Health
Therefore, it's better to drink wine and talk stupid, than to drink water and be full of Shit. There is no need to thank me for this valuable information: I'm doing it as a public service."
The young man from Mississippi came running into the store and said to his buddy, "Bubba, somebody just stole your pickup truck from the parking lot!"
Bubba replied, "Did y'all see who it was?"
The young man answered, "I couldn't tell, but I got the license number."
The owner of a golf course in Georgia was confused about paying an invoice, so he decided to ask his secretary for some mathematical help.
He called her into his office and said, "Y'all graduated from the University of Georgia and I need some help. If I wuz to give yew $20,000, minus 14%, how much would you take off?"
The secretary thought a moment, and then replied, "Everthang but my earrings."
A Florida senior citizen drove his brand new Corvette convertible out of the dealership. Taking off down the road, he pushed it to 80 mph, enjoying the wind blowing through what little hair he had left.
"Amazing," he thought as he flew down I-95, pushing the pedal even more. Looking in his rear view mirror, he saw a Florida State Trooper, blue lights flashing and siren blaring. He floored it to 100 mph, then 110,
then 120. Suddenly he thought, "What am I doing? I'm too old for this!" and pulled over to await the trooper's arrival.
Pulling in behind him, the trooper got out of his vehicle and walked up to the Corvette. He looked at his watch, then said, "Sir, my shift ends in 30 minutes. Today is Friday. If you can give me a new reason for speeding--a reason I've never before heard -- I'll let you go."
The old gentleman paused, then said: "Three years ago, my wife ran off with a Florida State Trooper. I thought you were bringing her back.
"Have a good day, Sir," replied the trooper.
“Poor Old fool,” thought the well-dressed gentleman as he watched an old man fish in a puddle outside a pub. So he invited the old man inside for a drink. As they sipped their whiskeys, the gentleman thought he’d humor the old man and asked, “So how many have you caught today?”
The old man replied, “You’re the eighth.”
A priest, a minister, and a rabbi want to see who’s best at his job. So each one goes into the woods, finds a bear, and attempts to convert it. Later, they all get together. The priest begins: “When I found the bear, I read to him from the catechism and sprinkled him with holy water. Next week is his first Communion.”
“I found a bear by the stream,” says the minister, “and preached God’s holy Word. The bear was so mesmerized that he let me baptize him.” They both look down at the rabbi, who is lying on a gurney in a body cast. “Looking back,” he says, “maybe I shouldn’t have started with the circumcision.”
The Supreme Court has ruled that there cannot be a Nativity Scene in the nation's Capital this Christmas season.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . . .
The search for a Virgin continues . . . .
However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure because?
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Afrca they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
This isn't for any religious reason.
They simply have not been able to find Three Wise Men in Canberra . . .
The search for a Virgin continues . . . .
However, there was no problem finding enough donkeys to fill the stable.
Last month, a world-wide telephone survey was conducted by the UN.
The only question asked was:-
“Would you please give your honest opinion about possible solutions to the food shortage in the rest of the world?”
The survey was a complete failure because?
In Eastern Europe they didn't know what "honest" meant.
In Western Europe they didn't know what "shortage" meant.
In Afrca they didn't know what "food" meant.
In China they didn't know what "opinion" meant.
In the Middle East they didn't know what "solution" meant.
In South America they didn't know what "please" meant.
In the USA they didn't know what "the rest of the world" meant.
And in Australia, New Zealand, Canada, and Great Britain
everyone hung up as soon as they heard the Indian accent.
GREAT TRUTHS THAT ADULTS HAVE LEARNED:
1) Raising teenagers is like nailing jelly to a tree.
2) Wrinkles don't hurt.
3) Families are like fudge, mostly sweet, with a few nuts.
4) Today's mighty oak is just yesterday's nut that held its ground.
5) Laughing is good exercise. It's like jogging on the inside.
6) Middle age is when you choose your cereal for the fibre, not the toy.
GREAT TRUTHS ABOUT GROWING OLD
1) Growing old is mandatory; growing up is optional.
2) Forget the health food. I need all the preservatives I can get.
3) When you fall down, you wonder what else you can do while you're down there.
4) You're getting old when you get the same sensation from a rocking chair that you once got
from a roller coaster.
5) It's frustrating when you know all the answers but nobody bothers to ask you the questions.
6) Time may be a great healer, but it's a lousy beautician.
7) Wisdom comes with age, but sometimes age comes alone.
This lady has it figured out!!
The local news station was interviewing an 80-year-old lady because she had just gotten married for the fourth time.
The interviewer asked her questions about her life, about what it felt like to be marrying again at 80, and then about her new husband's occupation. "He's a funeral director," she answered. Interesting," the newsman thought.
He then asked her if she wouldn't mind telling him a little about her first three husbands and what they did for a living. She paused for a few moments, needing time to reflect on all those years. After a short time, a smile came to her face and she answered proudly, explaining that she had first married a banker when she was in her 20's. Then a circus ringmaster when in her 40's. It was a preacher when in her 60's. And now - in her 80's - a funeral director.
The interviewer looked at her, quite astonished, and asked why she had married four men with such diverse careers.
She smiled and explained, "I married one for the money, two for the show, three to get ready, and four to go."
One day, Joe says to Mike, "My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a private doctor." "Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," Mike replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Aldi's. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten pounds. A lot cheaper than a private doctor." So, Joe deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Aldi's. He deposits £10 and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: "You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping at Aldi's." That evening, while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Joe began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and a sperm sample from himself for good measure. Joe hurries back to Aldi's, eager to check the results. He pays his £10, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following: 1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener. (Aisle 9) 2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7) 3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab. 4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours. Get a lawyer. 5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better. Thank you for shopping at Aldi.
What is the difference between "potentially" and "realistically
A young boy went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically?'" The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and then, ask your brother if he'd sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that." So the boy went to his mother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course, I would! We could really use that money to fix up the house and send you kids to a great university!" The boy then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh, good heavens! I LOVE Brad Pitt, and I would sleep with him in a heartbeat. Are you nuts?" The boy then went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million bucks would buy?" The boy pondered the answers for a few days and then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between 'potentially' and 'realistically?'" The boy replied, "Yes, 'potentially' you and I are sitting on three million dollars; but 'realistically," we're living with two hookers and a future congressman."
Home milk deliveries still happen in some areas we have been told, but the
'older brigade' will no doubt recall both milk and bread had regular home
deliveries.
Enjoy, here is a collection of notes left in milk bottles....
** Dear milkman: I've just had a baby, please leave another one.
**Please leave an extra pint of paralysed milk.
**Cancel one pint after the day after today.
** Please don't leave any more milk. All they do is drink it.
** Milkman, please close the gate behind you because the birds keep
pecking the tops off the milk.
**Milkman, please could I have a loaf but not bread today.
**Please cancel milk. I have nothing coming into the house but two sons on
the dole.
** Sorry not to have paid your bill before, but my wife had a baby and
I've been carrying it around in my pocket for weeks.
**Sorry about yesterday's note, I didn't mean one egg and a dozen pints,
but the other way round.
**When you leave my milk please knock on my bedroom window and wake me
because I want you to give me a hand to turn the mattress.
**Please knock. My TV's broken down and I missed last night's Coronation
Street. If you saw it, will you tell me what happened over a cup of tea?
**My daughter says she wants a milkshake. Do you do it before you deliver
or do I have to shake the bottle?
**Please send me a form for cheap milk, for I have a baby two months old
and did not know about it until a neighbour told me.
**Please send me details about cheap milk as I am stagnant.
**Milk is needed for the baby. Father is unable to supply it.
**From now on please leave two pints every other day and one pint on the
days in between, except Wednesdays and Saturdays when I don't want any
milk.
**My back door is open. Please put milk in 'fridge, get money out of cup
in drawer and leave change on kitchen table in pence, because we want to
play bingo tonight.
**Please leave no milk today. When I say today, I mean tomorrow, for I
wrote this note yesterday..
**Milkman, please put the coal on the boiler, let dog out and put
newspaper inside the screen door. PS Don't leave any milk.
**No milk. Please do not leave milk at No. 14 either as he is dead until
further notice.
You gotta love Australian thinking....A major International company was
looking to hire someone for an important position, so they interviewed
dozens of applicants and narrowed their search down to three people from
different parts of the world. In an attempt to pick one of them, they
decided to give them all the same question to answer within 24 hours, and
the one with the best answer would get the job.
The question was: A man and a woman are in bed, nude. The woman is lying on
her side with her back facing the man, and the man is lying on his side
facing the woman's back. What is the man's name?
After the 24 hours was up, the three were brought in to give their answers.
The first, from Canada, says "My answer is, there IS no answer."
The second, from New Zealand, says "My answer is that there is no way to
determine the answer with the information we were given."
The third one, from Australia, says "I'm not exactly sure, but I have it
narrowed down to two names. It's either: Willie Turner or Willie Nailer."
The Australian got the job...
Dating in the 1950's You need to be able to remember the era to really enjoy this....
It was a hot Saturday evening in the summer of 1958 and Fred had a date with Peggy Sue.
He arrived at her house and rang the bell. "Oh, come on in!" Peggy Sue's mother said as she welcomed Fred. "So, what are you and Peggy planning to do tonight?" she asked.
"Oh, probably catch a picture show, and then maybe grab a bite to eat at the milk bar, maybe take a walk on the beach." "Peggy likes to screw, you know," Mom informed him.
"Is that so?" asked Fred, incredulous. "Yes," said the mother. "As a matter of fact, she'd screw all night if we let her! She just loves it." "Well, thanks for the tip," Fred said as he began thinking about changing plans for the evening. "Have fun, kids", the mother said as they left. Half an hour later, a very dishevelled Peggy Sue burst into the house and slammed the front door behind her.
"The TWIST, Mom , The TWIST !" she angrily yelled at her mother.
"THE DAMN DANCE IS CALLED THE TWIST !!"
A Travel Agent looked up from his desk to see an old lady and an old gentleman peering in the shop window at the posters showing the glamorous destinations around the world.
The agent had had a good week and the dejected couple looking in the window gave him a rare feeling of generosity. He called them into his shop , "I know that on your pension you could never hope to have a great holiday, so I am sending you off to a fabulous resort at my expense and I won't take 'no' for an answer." He took them inside and asked his secretary to arrange two flight tickets and book a room in a five star hotel." Then, as can be expected, they gladly accepted, and were off! About a month later the little old lady came in to his shop. "And how did you like your holiday?" he asked eagerly. "The flight was exciting and the room was lovely," she said. "I've come to thank you, but one thing puzzled me. Who was that old bugger I had to share the room with?"
ACTUALLY, SOME OF US ASK THE SAME QUESTION EVERY MORNING!
A baker hires a young female shop assistant who liked to wear very short skirts and thong underwear. One day a young man enters the store, glances at the shop assistant and at the loaves of bread behind the counter. Noticing her short skirt and the raisin bread on the top shelf, he has a brilliant idea. "I'd like some raisin bread please," the man says. The shop assistant nods and climbs up a ladder to reach the raisin bread located on the very top shelf. The man standing almost directly beneath her is provided with an excellent view, just as he thought. When she descends the ladder, he decides that he had better get two loaves. As the shop assistant retrieves the second loaf of bread, one of the other male customers notices what's going on and requests his own loaf of raisin bread.
After many trips she is tired and irritated and begins to wonder, "Why the unusual interest in the raisin bread?" Atop the ladder one more time, she looks down and glares at the men standing below. Then, she notices an elderly man standing amongst the crowd. Thinking that she can save herself another trip, she yells at the elderly man, "Is it raisin for you too?"
"No," he stammers, "But it's quiverin' a little."
A teenage boy had just passed his driving test and inquired of his father
as to when they could discuss his use of the car. His father said he'd make
a deal: 'You bring your grades up from a C to a B average, study your Bible
a little, and get your hair cut. Then well talk about the car.' The boy
thought about that for a moment, decided he'd settle for the offer, and
they agreed on it. After about six weeks his father said, 'Son, you've
brought your grades up and I've observed that you have been studying your
Bible, but I'm disappointed you haven't had your hair cut. The boy said,
'You know, Dad, I've been thinking about that, and I've noticed in my
studies of the Bible that Samson had long hair, John the Baptist had long
hair, Moses had long hair...and there's even strong evidence that Jesus had
long hair.'
Your going to love the Dad's reply: his father replied, 'Did you also
notice they all walked everywhere they went?
Pro Shop Calls
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What are your green fees?
Staff: 38 dollars.
Caller: Does that include golf?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have one of those areas where you can buy
a bucket of golf balls and hit them for practice?
Staff: You mean a driving range?
Caller: No, that's not it.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, I'd like to get a tee time tomorrow
between 12 o'clock and noon.
Staff: Between 12 o'clock and noon?
Caller: Yes.
Staff: We'll try to squeeze you in.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have any open tee times around 10 o'clock?
Staff: Yes, we have one at 10:15.
Caller: What's the next time after that?
Staff: We have one at 10:22.
Caller: We'll take that one. It will be a bit warmer.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: What do you have for tee times tomorrow?
Staff: What time would you like?
Caller: What times do you have?
Staff: What time of the day?
Caller: Any time.
Staff: Morning or afternoon?
Caller: Whenever.
Staff: We have 16 times open in the morning and 20 open in the afternoon. Would you like me to read the whole list?
Caller: No, I don't think any of those times will work for me.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a dress code?
Staff: Yes, we do. We require soft spikes.
Caller: How about clothes?
Staff: Yes, you have to wear clothes.
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you rent golf clubs there?
Staff: Yes, they're 25 dollars.
Caller: How much to rent a bag?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, my husband just called me on his cell phone and told me he's on the 15th hole. How many more holes does he have to play before he gets to the 18th?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Yes, do you have a driving range there?
Staff: Yes.
Caller: How much for a large bucket?
Staff: Four dollars.
Caller: Does that include the balls?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: Do you have a twilight rate?
Staff: Yes, it's 15 dollars after 2 o'clock.
Caller: And what time does that start?
Staff: Golf course, may I help you?
Caller: My kids just came home with pockets full of range balls
and said they stole them from your driving range.
Would you like to buy them back?
A golfer standing on a tee overlooking a river sees a couple of fishermen and says to his partner, "Look at those two idiots fishing in the rain."
A golfer playing in a two-man alternate shot tournament drove his tee shot to the edge of the green on a par-3 hole.
His partner, playing the second shot, managed to chip it over the green into a bunker. Undaunted, the first golfer recovers with a fine shot to within one foot of the hole. The second golfer nervously putts, and sends the ball one foot past the hole, leaving the first golfer to sink the putt. "Do you realize that we took five strokes on an easy par-3?" says the first golfer. "Yes, and don't forget who took three of them!" answered his partner! |
' gotta love this guy!!!!! Meet Walter Barnes - All golfers should live so long as to become this kind of old man! Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 80% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly "Mr Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands "Oh, Mr Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes" - and he calmly returned to his seat.
O'Keefe regularly plays golf on Sunday mornings with three Orthodox Jews. Every Sunday, they break par while he shoots 90. At the end of the season, he asks for their secret. It's their religion, they tell him. They go to synagogue, study, pray, celebrate the festivals and Sabbath, then play golf on Sundays and have great rounds.
Desperate to play well, over the winter O'Keefe converts, joins a synagogue, prays, celebrates the festivals and Sabbath, and looks forward to spring. Come spring, he meets his friends and they tee it up. Again, they break par and he shoots 90. Frustrated, he explains that he converted, prayed, worshipped, and studied, but his golf didn't get any better. One Orthodox Jew asks, "Which synagogue did you join?" "Beth Shalom," O'Keefe replies. "Fool," comes the reply. "That's the synagogue for tennis." |
New Golf Rules
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
The Veterans Golf Association has negotiated with The Royal and Ancient Golf Club, based in St Andrews, Scotland to modify the Rules of Golf for Seniors
Rule 1.a.5
A ball sliced or hooked into the rough shall be lifted and placed on the fairway at a point equal to the distance it carried or rolled into the rough with no penalty. The senior should not be penalized for tall grass which groundskeepers failed to mow.
Rule 2.d.6 (b)
A ball hitting a tree shall be deemed not to have hit the tree. This is simply bad luck and luck has no place in a scientific game. The senior player must estimate the distance the ball would have travelled if it had not hit the tree and play the ball from there.
Rule 3.b.3(g)
There shall be no such thing as a lost ball The missing ball is on or near the course and will eventually be found and pocketed by someone else, making it a stolen ball. The player is not to compound the felony by charging himself or herself with a penalty.
Rule 4.c.7(h)
If a putt passes over a hole without dropping, it is deemed to have dropped. The law of gravity supersedes the Rules of Golf.
Rule 5.
Putts that stop close enough to the cup that they could be blown in, may be blown in. This does not apply to balls more than three inches from the hole. No one wants to make a travesty of the game.
Rule 6.a.9(k)
There is no penalty for so-called "out of bounds." If penny-pinching golf course owners bought sufficient land, this would not occur. The senior golfer deserves an apology, not a penalty.
Rule 7.g.15(z)
There is no penalty for a ball in a water hazard, as golf balls should float. Senior golfers should not be penalized for manufacturers' shortcomings.
Rule 8.k.9(s)
Advertisements claim that golf scores can be improved by purchasing new golf equipment. Since this is financially impracticable for many senior golfers, one-half stroke per hole may be subtracted for using old equipment.
Please advise all your senior friends of these important rule changes.
A man and his wife are playing the fifth hole at their club when he slices his drive so far to the right it rolls into an equipment barn. He finds the ball and plans to take a drop when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He thinks this is a good idea, so she holds the door. He takes a big swing, but rather than flying through the door, the ball hits her in the head and kills her.
A year later, the same man and his new bride are playing the same hole when he again slices the ball into the shed. He finds it and plans to take an unplayable lie when she says, "Let me go down to the other end of the barn and hold the door open. Then you can hit your ball through the door and back to the fairway."
He looks at her, shakes his head, and explains, "No way. The last time I tried that, I took a triple bogey on this hole!"
What snowmen do in the off-season
There's a golf course where the parking lot is just to the right of the first fairway. Separating the fairway and lot is the access road to the pro shop. One day, a ball comes flying off the first tee, hits the rear window of one car and shatteres it, ricochets into the windshield of another car and cracks that, then bounces and hits a golfer in the head as he is unloading his clubs. He has to be taken to the hospital. After surveying the damage, the golf pro asks each golfer as he walks off the ninth green if anyone hit a slice of the first tee. After numerous negative replies, the pro finally finds his culprit. The golfer admits that, yes, indeed, he hit his first tee shot to the right, but it went out-of-bounds, he and the rest of his group didn't bother looking for it. The pro explains about the two car windows and the golfer in the hospital. By the time he finishes re-creating the scene, the entire foursome is visibly upset, and the golfer who hit the errant shot moans,""Oh, that's terrible. What can I do?"
The pro says, "You should probably trying rolling your hands a little to the right to strengthen your grip."
On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to.
The pro says, "You should probably trying rolling your hands a little to the right to strengthen your grip."
On the phone with a golf buddy who has asked him to play, a guy says: "I am the master of my home and can play golf whenever I want. But hold on a minute while I find out if I want to.
With his last moments on earth, an old man is replaying his favorite rounds of golf in his head. He remembers when he was first married, how he came home from the course one day to the most wonderful chocolate-chip cookies. It'd been years since his wife baked them for him, but as he lay there, gasping for each breath, he was sure he could smell those cookies. Crawling out of bed, he dragged himself down the stairs and into the kitchen where he finds--oh, joy!--his wife with a big platter of his favorite, freshly baked cookies.
With his last bit of strength, he is slowly reaching out for one when she slaps his hand.
"Don't touch those!" she orders. "They're for the funeral!"
"Last week Arnold Palmer told me how I could cut eight strokes off my score," he'd say. "Skip one of the par 3s."
A young bloke with his pants hanging half off his arse, two gold front teeth, and a half inch thick gold chain around his neck; walked into the Centrelink to sign some paperwork.
He marched up to the counter and said, "Hi. You know, I just H A T E being on the DOLE. I'd really rather have a job.. I don't like taking advantage of the system, getting something for nothing and all that."
The social worker behind the counter said, "Your timing is excellent. We Just got a job opening from a very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter. You'll have to drive around in his 2015 Mercedes-Benz CL, and he will supply all of your clothes."
"Because of the long hours, meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her overseas holiday trips. This is rather awkward to say but you will also have to, as part of your job, satisfy her sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive."
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, said, "You're bullshittin' me!"
The social worker said, "Yeah, well... You started it."
Three unmarried men were waiting to tee off when the starter walked up to them and said, "You see that beautiful blonde practicing her putting?" "Her? Wow, she is beautiful," they all said.
"She's a good golfer," he continued, "and would like to hook up with a group. None of the other groups will play with a wom- an. Can she play with you? She won't hold you up, I promise." They looked at each other and said, "Sure! She can join us." Just as the starter said, the woman played well and kept up. Plus, they kept noticing, she was very attractive.
When they reached the 18th hole, she said that if she sank her 18-footer, she'd break 80 for the first time. "Guys, I'm so excited about breaking 80 that I have to tell you something. I had a great time playing with you. I can tell you all really love golf. I want you to know that I'm single and want to marry a man who loves golf as much as I do. If one of you guys can read this putt correctly and I make it, I'll marry whichever of you was right!"
All three jumped at the opportunity. The first one looked over the putt and said, "I see it breaking 10 inches left to right." The second looked it over from all sides and said, "No, I see it breaking eight inches right to left."
The third man looked at the woman, looked at the ball, and said, "Pick it up. It's good!"
My flight was being served by an obviously gay flight attendant, who seemed to put everyone in a good mood as he served us food and drinks. As the plane prepared to descend, he came swishing down the aisle and told us that 'Captain Marvey has asked me to announce that he'll be landing the big scary plane shortly, so lovely people, if you could just put your trays up, that would be super.'
On his trip back up the aisle, he noticed this well-dressed and rather Arabic-looking woman hadn't moved a muscle. 'Perhaps you didn't hear me over those big brute engines, but I asked you to raise your trazy-poo, so the main man can pitty-pat us on the ground.' She calmly turned her head and said, 'In my country, I am called a Princess, and I take orders from no one.' To which (I swear) the flight attendant replied, without missing a beat,
'Well, sweet-cheeks, in my country I'm called a Queen, so I outrank you. Tray-up, Bitch!'
On the first day, he sadly packed his belongings into boxes, crates and suitcases. On the second day, he had the movers come and collect his things. On the third day, he sat down for the last time at their beautiful dining-room table, by candle-light; he put on some soft background music, and feasted on a pound of shrimp, a jar of caviar, and a bottle of spring-water. When he'd finished, he went into each and every room and deposited a few half-eaten shrimps dipped in caviar into the hollow center of the curtain rods. He then cleaned up the kitchen and left. On the fourth day, the wife came back with her new boyfriend, and at first all was bliss.
Then, slowly, the house began to smell. They tried everything; cleaning, mopping, and airing-out the place. Vents were checked for dead rodents, and carpets were steam cleaned. Air fresheners were hung everywhere. Exterminators were brought in to set off gas canisters, during which time the two had to move out for a few days, and in the end they even paid to replace the expensive wool carpeting.. Nothing worked! People stopped coming over to visit. Repairmen refused to work in the house. The maid quit. Finally, they couldn't take the stench any longer, and decided they had to move, but a month later - even though they'd cut their price in half - they couldn't find a buyer for such a stinky house. Word got out, and eventually even the local realtors refused to return their calls. Finally, unable to wait any longer for a purchaser, they had to borrow a huge sum of money from the bank to purchase a new place. Then the ex called the woman and asked how things were going.. She told him the saga of the rotting house. He listened politely and said that he missed his old home terribly and would be willing to reduce his divorce settlement in exchange for having the house. Knowing he could have no idea how bad the smell really was, she agreed on a price that was only 1/10th of what the house had been worth ... but only if he would sign the papers that very day. He agreed, and within two hours her lawyers delivered the completed paperwork. A week later the woman and her boyfriend stood smiling as they watched the moving company pack everything to take to their new home ......and to spite the ex-husband, they even took the curtain rods!
I LOVE A HAPPY ENDING, DON'T YOU?
A priest rushed from church one day to keep a golf date.
He was halfway down the first fairway, waiting to hit his second shot, when he heard "Fore!" and a ball slammed into his back.
Soon, the golfer who had made the drive was on the scene to offer his apologies. When the priest assured him that he was all right, the man smiled.
"Thank goodness, Father!" he exclaimed.
"I've been playing this game for forty years, and now I can finally tell my friends that I've hit my first holy one
Joseph a priest and Larry a cab driver went to heaven.
Joseph was given fifty bags of gold and a nice house.
Larry driver was given the same but also a boat, a lake and a box of diamonds.
Joseph asked St. Peter, "Hey I was a priest, how come I don't get a box of diamonds or a lake or a boat?"
St. Peter said, "We go by results. During your sermons people slept, during his cab rides people prayed."
An old lady went into a bar in Ibiza and saw a man with his feet propped upon a table.
He had the biggest boots she'd ever seen. The old woman asked the man if it's true what they say about men with big feet being well endowed. The man grinned and said, 'Sure is, little lady. Why don't you come to my apartment and let me prove it to you?' The old woman considered she might never get an offer like this again and was curious to find out for herself, so she spent the night with him. The next morning she handed him a £50 note.
Blushing, he said, 'Well, thank you, I'm really flattered. Nobody has ever paid me for my 'services' before!'
'Don't be flattered' she replied... 'Take the money and buy yourself some boots that fit...'
Women can be so cruel !!
A rancher was minding his own business when an FBI agent came up up to him and said, "We got a tip that you may be growing illegal drugs on the premises. Do you mind if I take a look around?"
The old rancher replied, "That's fine, you shouldn't go over there though." As he pointed at one of his fields.
The FBI agent snapped at him, "I'm am a federal agent! I can go wherever I want!" With that he pulled out his badge and shoved it into the ranchers face.
The rancher shrugged this off and continued with his daily chores. About 15 minutes later he heard a loud scream from the field he had pointed out earlier. All of a sudden he could see the FBI agent sprinting towards him with a large bull on his heels.
The rancher rushed to the fence and yelled, "Your badge! Show your badge to the bull!"
A single guy decided life would be more fun if he had a pet.
So he went to the pet store and told the owner that he wanted to buy an unusual pet.
After some discussion, he finally bought a talking centipede, (100-legged bug), which came in a little white box to use for his house.
He took the box back home, found a good spot for the box, and decided he would start off
by taking his new pet to church with him.
So he asked the centipede in the box, "Would you like to go to church with me today?
We will have a good time."
But there was no answer from his new pet. This bothered him a bit, but he waited a few minutes and then asked again, "How about going to church with me and receive blessings?"
But again, there was no answer from his new friend and pet. So he waited a few minutes more, thinking about the situation. The guy decided to invite the centipede one last time.
This time he put his face up against the centipede's house and shouted, "Hey, in there!
Would you like to go to church with me and learn about God?"
This time, a little voice came out of the box ,"I heard you the first time! I'm putting my shoes on!"
Four guys enjoying a round of golf come up to the 18 hole. The first 3 guys put their ball in the fairway, the last guy drives his ball over the fence with his new Titleist. He tells his friends to finish up and that he will meet them in club house.
After a half hour goes by and finally the 4th golfer comes back all beat up with bumps and cuts on his head and bleeding all over. All his fellow golfers are like, what the heck happened?
He tells them the story. Over the fence was a bunch of cows. I noticed one cow was moaning and carrying on crazy. I slowly lifted her tail and there was a ball stuck in the you know what. Gladly it was not mine. About that time a lady came over the fence looking for her ball. So I told her to come over and let me show you something. I raised the tail on that cow and said to her does that look like yours?
After that I don't remember much...
A nun walks into Mother Superior's office and plunks down into a chair. She lets out a sigh heavy with frustration.
'What troubles you, Sister?' asked the Mother Superior. 'I thought this was the day you spent with your family.'
'It was,' sighed the Sister. 'And I went to play golf with my brother. We try to play golf as often as we can. You know I was quite a talented golfer before I devoted my life to Christ.'
'I seem to recall that,' the Mother Superior agreed. 'So I take it your day of recreation was not relaxing?'
'Far from it,' snorted the Sister. 'In fact, I even took the Lord's name in vain today!'
'Goodness, Sister!' gasped the Mother Superior, astonished. 'You must tell me all about it!'
'Well, we were on the fifth tee...and this hole is a monster, Mother -540 yard Par 5, with a nasty dogleg left and a hidden green...and I hit the drive of my life. I creamed it. The sweetest swing I ever made.
And it's flying straight and true, right along the line I wanted...and it hits a bird in mid-flight !'
'Oh my!' commiserated the Mother. 'How unfortunate! But surely that didn't make you blaspheme, Sister!'
'No, that wasn't it,' admitted Sister. 'While I was still trying to fathom what had happened, this squirrel runs out of the woods, grabs my ball and runs off down the fairway!'
'Oh, that would have made me blaspheme!' sympathized the Mother.
'But I didn't, Mother!' sobbed the Sister. 'And I was so proud of myself! And while I was pondering whether this was a sign from God, this hawk swoops out of the sky and grabs the squirrel and flies off, with my ball still clutched in his paws!'
'So that's when you cursed,' said the Mother with a knowing smile.
'Nope, that wasn't it either,' cried the Sister, anguished, 'because as the hawk started to fly out of sight, the squirrel started struggling, and the hawk dropped him right there on the green, and the ball popped out of his paws and rolled to about 18 inches from the cup!'
Mother Superior sat back in her chair, folded her arms across her chest, fixed the Sister with a baleful stare and said...
'You missed the f***ing putt, didn't you?'
Two women were put together as partners in the club tournament and met on the putting green for the first time. After introductions, the first golfer asked, "What's your handicap?"
"Oh, I'm a scratch golfer," the other replied.
"Really!" exclaimed the first woman suitably impressed that she was paired up with her.
"Yes, I write down all my good scores and scratch out the bad ones!"
A hack golfer spends a day at a plush country club, playing golf > enjoying the luxury of a complimentary caddy. Being a hack golfer, he plays poorly all day. Round about the 18th hole, he spots a lake off to the left of the fairway. He looks at the caddy and says,
``I've played so poorly all day, I think I'm going to go drown myself in that lake.'' The caddy looks back at him and says,
``I don't think you could keep your head down that long.''
A kindergarten teacher one day is trying to explain to her class the definition of the word "definitely" to them. To make sure the students have a good understanding of the word, she asks them to use it in a sentence. The first student raised his hand and said "The sky is definitely blue". The teacher said, "Well, that isn't entirely correct, because sometimes it's gray and cloudy".
Another student says, "Grass is definitely green." The teacher again replies "If grass doesn't get enough water it turns brown, so that isn't really correct either."
Another student raises his hand and asks the teacher "Do farts have lumps?" The teacher looked at him and said "No...But that isn't really a question you want to ask in class discussion." So the student replies, "Then I definitely shit my pants.
On the first day at the new seniors complex, the manager addressed all the new seniors pointing out some of the rules:
"The female sleeping quarters will be out-of-bounds for all males, and the male dormitory to the females.
Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time."
He continued, "Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60.
Being caught a third time will cost you a fine of $180.
Are there any questions?"
At this point, an older gentleman stood up in the crowd inquired: "How much for a season pass?”
A man takes the day off work and decides to go out golfing. He is on the second hole when he notices a frog sitting next to
the green. He thinks nothing of it and is about to shoot when he hears, Ribbit 9 Iron." The man looks around and doesn't see anyone. Again, he hears, "Ribbit 9 Iron.." He looks at the frog and decides to prove the frog wrong, puts the
club away, and grabs a 9 iron. Boom!
He hits it 10 inches from the cup. He is shocked. He says to the frog, "Wow that's amazing. You must be a lucky frog, eh?
The frog replies, "Ribbit Lucky frog." The man decides to take the frog with him to the next hole.
"What do you think frog?" the man asks. "Ribbit 3 wood." The guy takes out a 3 wood and, Boom! Hole in one. The
man is befuddled and doesn't know what to say. By the end of the day, the man golfed the best game of golf in his life and asks the frog, "OK where to next?" The frog replies, "Ribbit Las Vegas. " They go to Las Vegas and the guy says, "OK frog, now what?" The frog says, "Ribbit Roulette." Upon approaching the roulette table, The man asks, "What do you think I should bet?" The frog replies, "Ribbit $3000, black 6." Now, this is a million-to-one shot to win, but after the golf game the man figures what the heck.Bo om! Tons of cash comes sliding back across the table.
The man takes his winnings and buys the best room in the hotel. He sits the frog down and says, "Frog, I don't know how to repay you. You've won me all this money and I am forever grateful." The frog replies, "Ribbit Kiss Me."
He figures why not, since after all the frog did for him, he deserves it. With a kiss, the frog turns into a
gorgeous 15-year-old girl. "
And that, your honour, is how the girl ended up in my room. So help me Hanna or my name is not William Jefferson Clinton."
Life is Golf
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
Golf! You hit down to make the ball go up. You swing left and the ball goes right. The lowest score wins. And on top of that, the winner buys the drinks.
If you find you do not mind playing golf in the rain, the snow, even during a hurricane, here's a valuable tip: your life is in trouble.
Golfers who try to make everything perfect before taking the shot rarely make a perfect shot.
The term 'mulligan' is really a contraction of the phrase 'maul it again.'
A Catholic Priest, an Indian Doctor, a rich Chinese businessman and an Aussie were waiting one morning for a particularly slow group of golfers in front of them. The Aussie fumed, 'What's with those blokes? We must have been waiting for fifteen minutes!'
The Indian Doctor chimed in, 'I don't know, but I've never seen such poor golf!'
The Chinese businessman called out 'Move it, time is money'
The Catholic Priest said, 'Here comes George the green keeper. Let's have a word with him.'
'Hello, George' said the Catholic Priest. 'What's wrong with that group ahead of us? They're rather slow, aren't they?'
George the green keeper replied, 'Oh, yes. That's a group of blind fire fighters.
They lost their sight saving our clubhouse from a fire last year, so we always let them play for free any time.'
The group fell silent for a moment.
The Catholic Priest said, 'I will say a special prayer for them tonight.'
The Indian Doctor said, 'Good idea. I'm going to contact my ophthalmologist colleague and see if there's anything he can do for them.'
The Chinese Businessman replied, 'I'll donate $50,000 to the fire-fighters in honour of these brave souls.'
The Aussie said, 'Why the f...k can't they play at night?'
Sometimes....when you cry.... No one sees your tears.
Sometimes....when you are in pain.... No one sees your hurt.
Sometimes....when you are worried.... No one sees your stress.
Sometimes....when you are happy.... No one sees your smile.
But FART !! Just ONE friggin' time..... And everybody notices!!
And you thought this was going to be one of those Heart-touching stories!
After filing their personal tax returns by April 30th, many Canadians will again receive a tax refund.
This is indeed a very exciting program, and I'll explain it in a Q & A format:
Q. What is a tax refund payment?
A. It’s money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q.. Where will the government get this money?
A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money?
A. Only a smidgen of it.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment?
A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high-definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ?
A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the Canadian economy by spending your tax refund wisely:
* If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China or Sri Lanka .
* If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs.
* If you purchase a computer, it will go to India, Taiwan or China.
* If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala.
* If you buy an efficient car, it will go to Japan or Korea.
* If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan.
* If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in Canada by:
1) Spending it at yard sales, or
2) Going to hockey games, or
3) Spending it on prostitutes, or
4) Beer or
5) Tattoos
(These are the only “truly” Canadian businesses still operating)
Conclusion:
Go to a hockey game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day!
No need to thank me, I'm just glad to be of help.
The local Rabbi explains that he must move on to a larger congregation that will pay him more.
There is a hush within the congregation. No one wants him to leave.
Mike Jacobs, who owns several car dealerships in the area, stands up and proclaims:
'If the Rabbi stays, I will provide him with a new BMW every year and his wife with a Honda mini-van to transport their children!'
The congregation sighs in appreciation and applauds.
Sam Cohen, a successful entrepreneur and publican, stands and says, 'If the Rabbi will stay on here I'll personally double his salary and establish a foundation to guarantee private secondary school education for his children!'
More sighs and loud applause.
Agnes Jones, age 88, stands and announces with a smile, 'If the Rabbi stays, I will give him sex.'
There is total silence.
The Rabbi, blushing, asks her: 'Mrs. Jones, whatever possessed you to say that?'
Agnes's 90-year old husband, Joe, is now trying to hide, holding his forehead with the palm of his hand and shaking his head from side to side, while his wife replies:
'Well, I just asked my husband how we could help, and he said, ‘f**k him!'
After 35 years of marriage, a husband and wife came for counseling. When asked what the problem was, the wife went into a tirade listing every problem they had ever had in the years they had been married.
On and on and on: neglect, lack of intimacy, emptiness, loneliness, feeling unloved and unlovable, an entire laundry list of unmet needs she had endured.
Finally, after allowing this for a sufficient length of time, the therapist got up, walked around the desk and after asking the wife to stand, he embraced and kissed her long and passionately as her husband watched - with a raised eyebrow. The woman shut up and quietly sat down in a daze.
The therapist turned to the husband and said, "This is what your wife needs at least 3 times a week. Can you do this?"
"Well, I can drop her off here on Mondays and Wednesdays…………..but I fish on Fridays.
Professor Higgins at the University of Sydney was giving a lecture on
'Involuntary Muscle Contraction' to the first year medical students.
This was not an exciting subject and the professor decided to lighten
up the mood.
He pointed to a young woman in the front row and asked, 'Do you know
what your arsehole is doing while you're having an orgasm?'
She replied, 'Probably golfing with his mates.'
It took 45 minutes to restore order in the classroom!
A dedicated Teamsters union worker was attending a convention in Las Vegas and decided to check out the local brothels. When he got to the first one, he asked the Madam, "Is this a union house?"
"No," she replied, "I'm sorry it isn't." "Well, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The house gets $80 and the girls get $20," she answered.
Offended at such unfair dealings, the union man stomped off down the street in search of a more equitable, hopefully unionized shop. His search continued until finally he reached a brothel where the Madam responded, "Why yes sir, this is a union house. We observe all union rules."
The man asked, "And, if I pay you $100, what cut do the girls get?"
"The girls get $80 and the house gets $20."
"That's more like it!" the union man said.
He handed the Madam $100, looked around the room, and pointed to a stunningly attractive green-eyed blonde.
"I'd like her," he said.
"I'm sure you would, sir," said the Madam. Then she gestured to a 92-year old woman in the corner, "but Ethel here has 67 years seniority and according to union rules, she's next!"
Joe an 80-year-old Italian goes to the doctor for a check-up. The doctor is amazed at what good shape the guy is in and asks,' how do you stay in such great physical condition?'
I'm Italian and I am a golfer,' says the old guy, 'and that's why I'm in such good shape. I'm up well before daylight and out golfing up and down the fairways. I have a glass of vino, and all is well.'
'Well' says the doctor, 'I'm sure that helps, but there's got to be more to it..How old was your Father when he died?'
'Who said my Father's dead?'
The doctor is amazed. 'You mean you're 80 years old and your Father's still alive. How old is he?'
'He's 100 years old,' says the Old Italian golfer. 'In fact he golfed with me this morning, and then we went to the topless beach for a walk and had a little vino and that's why he's still alive. He's Italian and he's a golfer, too.'
'Well,' the doctor says, 'that's great, but I'm sure there's more to it than that. How about your Father's Father? How old was he when he died?'
'Who said my Nono's dead?'
Stunned, the doctor asks, 'you mean you're 80 years old and your grandfather's still living! Incredible, how old is he?'
'He's 118 years old', says the Old Italian golfer.
The doctor is getting frustrated at this point, 'So, I guess he went golfing with you this morning too?'
'No, Nono couldn't go this morning because he's getting married today.'
At this point the doctor is close to losing it. 'Getting married!! Why would a 118 year- old guy want to get married?'
"Who said he wanted to?"
The schoolteacher was taking her first golfing lesson.
"Is the word spelled p-u-t or p-u-t-t?'' she asked the instructor.
"P-u-t-t is correct,'' he replied.
"Put means to place a thing where you want it. Putt means merely a vain attempt to do the same thing.
First Guy (proudly): 'My wife's an angel!'
Second Guy : 'You're lucky, mine's still alive.'
Two secrets to keep your marriage brimming.
1. Whenever you're wrong, admit it,
2. Whenever you're right, shut up.
The madam opened the brothel door in Miami and saw a rather dignified, well-dressed, good-looking man in his late forties or early fifties. "May I help you sir?" she asked. The man replied, "I want to see Valerie."
"Sir, Valerie is one of our most expensive ladies. Perhaps you would prefer someone else", said the madam.
He replied, "No, I must see Valerie."
Just then, Valerie appeared and announced to the man she charged $10,000 a visit.
Without hesitation, the man pulled out ten thousand dollars and gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs.
After an hour, the man calmly left.
The next night, the man appeared again, once more demanding to see Valerie. Valerie explained that no one had ever come back two nights in a row as she was too expensive. "There are no discounts. The price is still $10,000."
Again, the man pulled out the money, gave it to Valerie, and they went upstairs. After an hour, he left.
The following night the man was there yet again. Everyone was astounded that he had come for a third consecutive night, but he paid Valerie and they went upstairs.
After their session, Valerie said to the man, "No one has ever been with me three nights in a row. Where are you from?"
The man replied, "St. Louis."
"Really," she said. "I have family in St. Louis."
"I know," the man said. "Your sister died, and I am her lawyer. She asked me to give you your $30,000 inheritance."
The moral of this story is that three things in life are certain:
1. Death
2. Taxes
3. Being screwed by a lawyer
The room was full of pregnant women with their partners. The class was in full swing. The instructor was teaching the women how to breathe and was telling the men how to give the necessary assurance to their partners at this stage of the pregnancy.
She said "Ladies, remember that exercise is good for you. Walking is especially beneficial. It strengthens the pelvic muscles and will make delivery that much easier. Just take several stops and stay on a soft surface like grass or a path.."
She looked at the men in the room, "Gentlemen, remember, you're in this together. It wouldn't hurt you to go walking with her."
The room suddenly got very quiet as the men absorbed this information.
Then a man at the back of the room slowly raised his hand.
"Yes?", answered the Instructor.
"I was just wondering if it would be all right if she carries a golf bag while we walk?"
This kind of sensitivity just can't be taught
David Feherty was introducing some pros that were playing in a charity golf event.
With each golfer, Feherty gave facts and stories about each of the golfers.
He got down the line to Vijay Singh and proceeded to give this information to all who were present.....
"Vijay is one of the best players alive today. He has more wins after the age of 40 than any golfer in the history of the game. He is the first man on the range in the morning, and the last man on the range at night.
Basically, this man has hit more balls than Elton John's chin."
Jane and Arlene are outside their nursing home, having a drink and a smoke, when it starts to rain. Jane pulls out a condom, cuts off the end, puts it over her cigarette, and continues smoking.
Arlene: What in the hell is that?
Jane: A condom. This way my cigarette doesn't get wet.
Arlene: Where did you get it?
Jane: You can get them at any pharmacy.
The next day, Arlene hobbles herself into the local pharmacy and
announces to the pharmacist that she wants a box of condoms.
The pharmacist, obviously embarrassed, looks at her kind of strangely (she is, after all, over 80 years of age), but very delicately asks what size, texture, brand of condom she prefers.
'Doesn't matter Sonny, as long as it fits on a Camel.'
The pharmacist fainted.
Arrivals in heaven have to go through a bureaucratic examination to determine whether admission will be granted. One room has a clerk who inputs computerized records of what each applicant did on his or her last day of life.
The first applicant of the day explains that his last day was not a good one. "I came home early and found my wife lying naked in bed. She claimed she had just gotten out of the shower. Well, her hair was dry and I checked the shower and it was completely dry too. I knew she was into some hanky-panky and I began to look for her lover.
I went onto the balcony of our 9th floor apartment and found the SOB clinging to the rail by his fingertips. I was so angry that I began bashing his fingers with a flower pot. He let go and fell, but his fall was broken by some awnings and bushes. On seeing he was still alive I found super human strength to drag our antique cedar chest to the balcony and throw it over. It hit the man and killed him. At this point the stress got to me and I suffered a massive heart attack and died."
The clerk thanked him and sent him on to the waiting room.
The second applicant said that his last day was his worst. "I was on the roof of an apartment building working on the AC equipment. I stumbled over my tools and toppled off the building. I managed to grab onto the balcony rail of a 9th floor apartment but some idiot came rushing out on the balcony and bashed my hands with a flower pot. I fell but hit some awnings and bushes and survived, but as I looked up I saw a huge chest falling toward me. I tried to crawl out of the way but failed and was hit and killed by the chest."
The clerk couldn't help but chuckle as he directs the man to the waiting room.
He is still giggling when his third customer of the day enters. He apologizes and says, "I doubt that your last day was as interesting as the two fellows that arrived here just before you."
"I don't know" replies the man... "Picture this, I'm buck naked hiding in this cedar chest......"
One day a man decided to retire, so he booked himself on a Caribbean cruise and proceeded to have the time of his life, that is, until the ship sank.
He soon found himself on an island with no other people, no supplies, nothing, only bananas and coconuts.
After about four months, he is lying on the beach one day when the most gorgeous woman he has ever seen rows up to the shore.
In disbelief, he asks, "Where did you come from? How did you get here?"
She replies, "I rowed over from the other side of the island where I landed when my cruise ship sank."
"Amazing," he notes. "You were really lucky to have a row boat wash up with you."
"Oh, this thing?" explains the woman. "I made the boat out of some raw material I found on the island. The oars were whittled from gum tree branches. I wove the bottom from palm tree branches, and the sides and stern came from a Eucalyptus tree."
"But, where did you get the tools?"
"Oh, that was no problem," replied the woman. "On the south side of the island, a very unusual stratum of alluvial rock is exposed. I found that if I fired it to a certain temperature in my kiln, it melted into ductile iron I used that to make tools and used the tools to make the hardware."
The guy is stunned.
"Let's row over to my place," she says.
So, after a short time of rowing, she soon docks the boat at a small wharf.
As the man looks to shore, he nearly falls off the boat. Before him is a long stone walk leading to an cabin and tree house. While the woman ties up the rowboat with an expertly woven hemp rope, the man can only stare ahead, dumb struck. As they walk into the house, she says casually, "It's not much, but I call it home. Sit down, please. Would you like a drink?"
"No! No thank you," the man blurts out, still dazed. "I can't take another drop of coconut juice."
"It's not coconut juice," winks the woman. "I have a still. How would you like a Tropical Spritz?"
Trying to hide his continued amazement, the man accepts, and they sit down on her couch to talk. After they exchange their individual survival stories, the woman announces, "I'm going to slip into something more comfortable. Would you like to take a shower and shave? There's a razor in the bathroom cabinet upstairs."
No longer questioning anything, the man goes upstairs into the bathroom. There, in the cabinet is a razor made from a piece of tortoise bone. Two shells honed to a hollow ground edge are fastened on to its end inside a swivel mechanism.
"This woman is amazing," he muses. "What's next?"
When he returns, she greets him wearing nothing but some small flowers on tiny vines, each strategically positioned, she smelled faintly of gardenias.
She then beckons for him to sit down next to her.
"Tell me," she begins suggestively, slithering closer to him, "We've both been out here for many months. You must have been lonely. There's something I'm certain you feel like doing right now, something you've been longing for, right?" She stares into his eyes.
He can't believe what he's hearing. "You mean..." he swallows excitedly as tears start to form in his eyes, "You've built a Golf Course ?"
John stood over his tee shot on the 450 yard 18th hole for what seemed an eternity.
He waggled, looked up, looked down, waggled again, but didn't start his back swing.
Finally his exasperated partner asked, 'What in the world is taking so long?'
'My wife is watching me from the clubhouse balcony,' John explained. 'I want to make a perfect shot.'His companion said, 'You don't have a chance in hell of hitting her from here.
A 90 year old man finally gets to see a doctor, the doctor asks him to explain the problem. The man
says he wants the Dr. to lower his sex drive. The Dr. is taken aback a bit but finally asks the man, just how old are you? The man answers I am 90. The Dr., still a little confused says you are 90, and you want your sex drive lowered? Yes said the man, it's all in my head and I want you to lower it.
Late in the night, Jim, a Marine, finally regained consciousness. He was
in hospital, in agonizing pain.
He found himself in the ICU with tubes in his mouth, needles and IV drips
in both arms, a breathing mask, wires monitoring every function, and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over him.
He realized that he was obviously in a life-threatening situation.
The nurse gave him a serious, deep look, straight into his eyes, then spoke
to him slowly and clearly, enunciating each word and syllable,
"You may not feel anything from the waist down."
Also speaking slowly, he managed to mumble in reply,
"Can I feel your tits, then?"
*And that, friends, is a POSITIVE ATTITUDE!*
The graveside service just barely finished when there was a massive clap of thunder followed by a tremendous bolt of lightning accompanied by even more lightning and thunder rumbling in the distance. The little old man looked at the preacher and calmly said, 'Well . . . she's there.
An elderly couple are playing together in the annual golf club championship. The game has ended in a play off hole, and everything rides on a six inch putt that the wife has to make. Aware of how critical this final putt is, she takes her stance, and her husband can see her trembling. Well the wife putts, the ball sails clear pas the hole, and the couple lose the match. On the way home in the car, it's obvious from the atmosphere that the husband is not a happy camper, in fact he is fuming. "I cannot believe that you missed that simple putt!" he said to his wife. "That putt was no longer than my willy."
The wife just looked over at her husband and smiled. "Yes dear but it was much harder!"
Two bored casino dealers were waiting at a craps table. A very attractive blonde lady arrived and bet twenty thousand
dollars on a single roll of the dice. She said, " I hope you don't mind, but I feel much luckier when I'm nude."
With that she stripped from her neck down, rolled the dice and yelled, "Mama needs new clothes!"
Then she hollered..."YES! YES! I WON! I WON!" She jumped up and down and hugged each of the dealers. With that she picked up
all the money and clothes and quickly departed. The dealers just stared at each other dumbfounded.
Finally, one of them asked, "What did she roll?" The other answered, "I thought YOU were watching!"
Moral of the story: Not all blondes are dumb.
The 18 Most Annoying Golf Partners (from Golf Digest)
The only thing worse than playing with one of these guys is BEING one of these guys
1. Unsolicited Swing Advice Guy
Defining characteristics: Knows exactly how to fix your swing even though you didn't ask. Employs a vast array of swing jargon that only confuses you further.
Favorite expression: "Wait, try this!"
2. The Human Rain Delay
Defining characteristics: Thinks he is honoring spirit of the game by never picking up. Not in the spirit of the game: dragging his foursome through a three-and-a-half hour front nine.
Favorite expression: "Put me down for a 10."
3. Cell Phone Guy
Defining characteristics: Considers golf course an extension of his office, home, therapist's couch, etc. Has perfected the balancing-phone-on-the shoulder wedge shot.
Favorite expression: "You guys hit. I gotta take this."
4. The Cart Girl Schmoozer
Defining characteristics: Convinced he's got a shot with the cart girl. Would be crushed to learn she offered the same flirty laugh and bag of nuts to foursome of geeks up ahead.
Favorite expression: "We'll take four beers and one more smile, darlin'."
5. The Parking Lot Pro
Defining characteristics: Color-coordinated outfit, matching logos and oversized tour bag suggest he's played professionally. Topped drive off the first tee suggests otherwise.
Favorite expression: "These are the same shoes Tiger wears."
6. The Air Counter
Defining characteristics: Can't remember his score without reliving every shot in detail. Favorite expression: "One in the pond, two drop, three back in the pond.
Four I had that funky lie in the bunker and left it in the bunker ... "
7. The Frat Boy
Defining characteristics: Unable to fathom a round of golf without a steady stream of adult beverages. Idea of restraint is to hold off drinking ... until the second hole.
Favorite expression: "A few beers will loosen up that swing!"
8. Cigar Guy
Defining characteristics: The easiest golfer to locate on the course thanks to waft of smoke trailing behind him. Oblivious to playing partners struggling for air -- and the ash droppings on his belly.
Favorite expression: "Straight from Havana, baby!"
9. The Sandbagger
Defining characteristics: The 15 handicap who is somehow playing "much better" than he has in years. Feigns apology when he drops bunker shot within inches of cup, then kicks sand off his shoes like a tour pro.
Favorite expression: "I guess it's just one of those days..."
10. Oblivious Guy
Defining characteristics: So preoccupied with his own game never looks for anyone else's ball. When driving a cart, always blows past your ball and heads directly to his.
Favorite expression: "But enough about me. What do YOU think of my swing?"
11. Ball Retriever Guy
Defining characteristics: Never passes a water hazard without his trusty scoop at the ready. Last bought a new sleeve of balls in the late 80s.
Favorite expression: "Whoa! A ProV1!"
12. The Volcano
Defining characteristics: Has unique ability to allow even the most pleasant days to be soured by any bad swing, bounce, or lie. Relies on Ball Retriever Guy to occasionally fetch clubs out of lake.
Favorite expression: "[Not printable]"
13. Delusional Guy
Defining characteristics: Forces group to wait on every par 5 because he's convinced he can get home in two. Usually get there in four.
Favorite expression: "If I really catch it, I can get there."
14. Mulligan Guy
Defining characteristics: Liberally allows himself another whack even when first shot is findable.
Favorite expression: "Wait, wait, wait. I gotta try another."
15. The Plumb Bobber
Defining characteristics: The only guy in the group not to notice the foursome behind yelling from the fairway as he lines up his putt for double from every angle imaginable.
Favorite expression: "Son of a gun, I actually think it goes both ways!"
16. Yardage Book Guy
Defining characteristics: Has to walk off every blade of grass before hitting. After contemplating whether a shot is 176 yards or 178, ends up hitting it 150.
Favorite expression: "I can't decide if it's a hard 7 or a soft 6."
17. The Cheat
Defining characteristics: A sympathetic figure when he pushes his tee shot deep into the woods. Not as sympathetic: When he announces his ball somehow stayed in bounds -- with a clear shot to the green!
Favorite expression: "Better to be lucky than good!"
18. The Overcelebrater
Defining characteristics: Treats every holed three footer as if just won the Masters. Has sent multiple playing partners home early thanks to overzealous chest bumping.
Favorite expression: "Yes SIR!"
A Scottish woman goes to the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is published.
The obit editor informs her that there is a charge of 50 cents per word.
She pauses, reflects, and then she says, "Well then, let it read "Fred Browne died."
Amused at the woman's thrift, the editor tells her that there is a seven-word minimum for all obituaries.
She thinks it over and in a few seconds says, "In that case, let it read, "Fred Browne died: Golf clubs for sale.
Mickelson
A gushy reporter told Phil Mickelson, "You are spectacular, your name is synonymous with the game of golf. You really know your way around the course. What's your secret?"
Mickelson replied, "The holes are numbered."
A young man and a priest are playing together. At a short par-3 the priest asks, "What are you going to use on this hole, my son?"
The young man says, "An 8-iron, father. How about you?"
The priest says, "I'm going to hit a soft seven and pray."
The young man hits his 8-iron and puts the ball on the green.
The priest tops his 7-iron and dribbles the ball out a few yards.
The young man says, "I don't know about you, father, but in my church,when we pray, we keep our head down."
Old Arthur
Arthur is 85 years old.
He's played golf every day since his retirement 20 years ago.
One day he arrives home looking downcast.
"That's it," he tells his wife. "I'm giving up golf. My eyesight has got so bad. Once I've hit the ball, I can't see where it went."
His wife sympathizes. As they sit down, she has a suggestion: "Why don't you take my brother with you, and give it one more try."
"That's no good," sighs Arthur. "Your brother is ninety two. He can't help."
"He may be ninety two," says the wife, "but his eyesight is perfect."
So the next day, Arthur heads off to the golf course with his brother-in-law.
He tees up, takes an almighty swing, and squints down the fairway.
He turns to the brother-in-law. "Did you see the ball ?"
"Of course I did !", says the brother-in-law. "I have perfect eyesight."
"Where did it go ?" asks Arthur.
"Can't remember."
A LOVE STORY FOR GOLFERS
A couple was having dinner one evening when the husband reached across the table, took his wife's hand in his and said "Beth, soon we will be married 30 years, and there's something I have to know. In all of these 30 years, have you ever been unfaithful to me?"
Beth replied, "Well Charles, I have to be honest with you. Yes, I've been unfaithful to you three times during these 30 years, but always for a good reason."
Charles was obviously hurt by his wife's confession but said, "I never suspected. Can you tell me what you mean by 'good reasons'?"
Beth said, "The very first time was shortly after we were married, and we were about to lose our little house because we couldn't pay the mortgage. Do you remember that one evening I went to see the banker and the next day he notified you that the loan would be extended?, well I did what I had to do"
Charles recalled the visit to the banker and said, "I can forgive you for that. You saved our home, but what about the second time?"
Beth answered, "And do you remember when you were so sick, but we didn't have the money to pay for the heart surgery you needed? Well, I went to see your doctor one night and, if you recall, he did the surgery at no charge, well I did what I had to do."
"I recall that," says Chuck. "And you did it to save my life so of course I can forgive you for that.
Now tell me about the third time."
"All right," Beth said. "So do you remember when you ran for president of the golf club, and you needed 73 more votes?"
Scottish Golf Club Membership Application
An elderly Scottish Jew has decided to take it a little easier and take up golf, so he puts his name down at the local club. After a week he receives a message that his application has been turned down. So he goes down to the club to inquire why.
Secretary: You are aware that this is a Scottish golf club?
Scot: Aye but I am as Scottish as you are, Jock.
Secretary: This means that on formal occasions we wear kilts.
Scot: Aye, so do I.
Secretary: You are aware that we wear nothing under our kilts?
Scot: Aye, neither do I.
Secretary: But you are a Jew?
Scot: Aye, I be that.
Secretary: So you are circumcised?
Scot: Aye, I be that too.
Secretary: I am terribly sorry, but the members just would not feel comfortable with that.
Scot: Ach, away with ya, man. I know that you have to be a Protestant to march with the Orangemen. And I know that you have to be a Catholic to become a Knight of Saint Columbus. But this is the first time I heard that you have to be a complete prick to join a golf club.
Two friends were playing golf one day.
They decided that they would adhere strictly to the rules with no improving their lie.
After a few holes, one guy's ball landed on a cart path. As he reached down to pick up his ball to get relief his friend said, "We agreed that we would not improve our lie."
No matter how much the first fellow tried to explain that he was entitled to this relief, the second fellow would not allow it.
So the man went to the cart to get a club. As he stood over the ball he took a few practice swings, each time scraping the club on the pavement, taking out big chunks of blacktop and sending out lots of sparks! Finally, after several practice swings he took his shot. The ball took off and landed on the green about 6 feet from the pin.
"Great shot!" his friend exclaimed.
"What club did you use?"
"YOUR 7-iron!" he replied.
Donald Trump and Ted Cruz are sitting in a bar.
A guy walks in and asks the barman, 'Isn't that Trump and Cruz sitting over there?' The bartender says, 'Yep, that's them.'
So the guy walks over and says, 'Wow, this is a real honor! What are you guys doing in here?'
Cruz says, 'We're planning WW III.' The guy says, 'Really? What's going to happen?'
Trump says, 'Well, we're going to kill 140 million Muslims and one blonde with big tits.'
The guy exclaimed, 'A blonde with big tits? Why kill a blonde with big tits?'
Trump turns to Cruz and says, 'See, I told you, no one gives a crap about the 140 million Muslims.’
AN IRISH WOMAN OF ADVANCED AGE VISITED HER PHYSICIAN TO ASK HIS ADVICE ON REVIVING HER HUSBAND'S LIBIDO.
"WHAT ABOUT TRYING VIAGRA?" ASKED THE DOCTOR.
"NOT A CHANCE" SHE REPLIED. "HE WON'T EVEN TAKE AN ASPIRIN".
"NOT A PROBLEM" SAID THE DOCTOR. "GIVE HIM AN IRISH VIAGRA".
"WHAT IS IRISH VIAGRA?" SHE ASKED.
"IT'S VIAGRA DISSOLVED IN A CUP OF COFFEE. HE WON'T EVEN TASTE IT. LET ME KNOW HOW IT GOES" HE SAID.
SHE CALLED THE DOCTOR THE NEXT DAY. "HOW DID IT GO?" HE ASKED.
"OH FAITH, BEJAYSUS AND BEGORRAH, DOCTOR, IT WAS HORRID. JUST TERRIBLE, I TELL YA!!." "I'M BESIDE MESELF!"
"REALLY? WHAT IN THE WORLD HAPPENED?" "WELL, I DID AS YOU ADVISED. THE VIAGRA IN HIS COFFEE TOOK EFFECT RIGHT ALMOST IMMEDIATELY. HE JUMPED STRAIGHT UP, WITH A SMILE ON HIS FACE, A TWINKLE IN HIS EYE AND HIS PANTS A-BULGING. FIERCELY, WITH ONE SWOOP OF HIS ARM, HE SENT THE CUPS AND SAUCERS FLYING ACROSS THE ROOM, THEN HE RIPPED ME CLOTHES TO TATTERS AND PASSIONATELY TOOK ME THEN AND THERE ON TOP OF THE TABLE." "TWAS A NIGHTMARE, I TELL YA, AN ABSOLUTE NIGHTMARE."
"WHY SO TERRIBLE?" ASKED THE DOCTOR. "WASN'T THE SEX GOOD?"
"FREAKIN JAYSUS, IT WAS THE BEST SEX I'VE HAD IN 25 YEARS, BUT SURE AS I'M SITTIN HERE, DOCTOR, I'LL NEVER BE ABLE TO SHOW ME FACE IN STARBUCKS AGAIN."
Donald Trump was invited to address a major gathering of the American Indian Nation two weeks ago in upstate New York.
He spoke for almost an hour about his plans for increasing every Native American's present standard of living.
He referred to how he had supported every Native American issue that came to the news media.
Although Mr Trump was vague about the details of his plans, he seemed most enthusiastic and spoke eloquently about his ideas for helping his "red sisters and brothers."
At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented him with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name, "Walking Eagle."
The proud Mr Trump accepted the plaque and then departed in his motorcade to a fundraiser, waving to the crowds.
A news reporter later asked the group of chiefs how they came to select the new name they had given to the Donald.
They explained that "Walking Eagle" is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
The day after his wife disappeared in a kayaking accident, a
Twillingate, NFLD man answered his door to find two grim-faced RCMP
officers. "We're sorry Mr. Flynn, but we have some information about your wife," said one of the officers.
"Tell me! Did you find her?!" Cedric Flynn asked.
The troopers looked at each other. One said, "We have some bad news,
some good news, and some really great news. Which would you like to hear
first?" Fearing the worst, Mr. Flynn said, "Give me the bad news first."
The RCMP officer said, "I'm sorry to tell you, sir, but this morning we
found your wife's body in the bay."
"Lord sufferin' Jesus!" exclaimed Flynn. Swallowing hard, he asked,
"What could possibly be the good news?" The officer continued, "When we pulled her up, she had 12 of the best looking Atlantic Lobsters that you have ever seen clinging to her.
Haven't seen lobsters like that since the 1960's, and we feel you are
entitled to a share in the catch." Stunned, Mr. Flynn demanded, "If that's the good news, then what's the great news?"
The officer replied, "We're gonna pull her up again tomorrow."
Sometimes golf injuries can be very painful, and happen at the wrong time too...
A young man is out on the golf course and he takes a high speed ball right in the crotch.
Writhing in agony, he falls to the ground.
When he finally gets himself to the doctor, he says "How bad is it doc? I'm going on my honeymoon next week and my fiancee is still a virgin in every way."
The doctor thinks for a moment, and tells him "I'll have to put your penis in a splint to let it heal and keep it straight. It should be okay next week."
So the doctor takes four tongue depressors and forms a neat little 4-sided bandage, wires it all together; quite an impressive work of art.
The young man mentions none of this to his fiancee, and so the wedding goes ahead, and on his honeymoon night in their hotel room, she shyly opens her blouse to reveal the most amazing pair of breasts.
Believe it or not, this was the first time that her new husband had ever seen them. She said to him, "You will be the first, no one has ever touched these breasts before."
In response he quickly pulls down his pants and says to her, "Look at this, it's still in the CRATE!"
A golfer was on vacation in Ireland and while playing he made a hole-in-one. With that a leprechaun jumps out from the trees and says, "I am the lucky leprechaun of the 13th hole. I'll grant you any wish."
The player thought a bit and said, "Could you make me weeny a bit larger"
"Wish granted." says the leprechaun, as he skips away.
Well, by the time he got to the 14th tee it was showin' below his shorts.
He continued his game and on the 15th hole it was draggin' along behind him.
By the 18th he could hardly make it to the green.
He went straight to the pro shop and asked the pro how to fix it. He was told that legend has it that you must go back and make another ace and see the leprechaun again.
After purchasing five buckets of balls he made his way back to the 13th and frantically began hitting shot after shot until finally he made the hole-in-one.
Again the leprechaun offered any wish. The player asked, "Could ya make me legs a bit longer"
It was a sunny morning, a little before 8:00 AM, on the first hole of a busy course, and I was beginning my pre-shot routine, visualizing my upcoming shot when a piercing voice came over the clubhouse loudspeaker:"Would the gentleman on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please"
I could feel every eye on the course looking at me. I was still deep in my routine, seemingly impervious to the interruption. Again the announcement: "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
I simply ignored the guy and kept concentrating, when once more the man yelled, "Would the man on the women's tee please back up to the men's tee, please!"
I finally stopped, turned, cupped my hands and shouted back.... "Would the asshole with the microphone kindly keep quiet and let me play my second shot"!"
A businessman was attending a conference in Africa. He had a free day and wanted to play a round of golf and was directed to a golf course in the nearby jungle. After a short journey, he arrived at the course and asked the pro if he could get on.
"Sure," said the pro, "What's your handicap"
Not wanting to admit that he had an 18 handicap, he decided to cut it a bit. "Well, its 16," said the businessman,
"But what's the relevance since I'll be playing alone"
"It's very important for us to know," said the pro, who then called a caddy.
"Go out with this gentleman," said the pro, "his handicap is 16."
The businessman was very surprised at this constant reference to his handicap. The caddy picked up the businessman's bag and a large rifle. Again, the businessman was surprised, but decided to ask no questions.
They arrived on the 1st hole, a par-4.
"It's wise to avoid those trees on the left," said the caddy.
Needless to say, the businessman duck-hooked his ball into the trees. He found his ball and was about to punch it out when he heard the loud crack of the rifle and a large snake fell dead from a tree above his head. The caddy stood next to him with the rifle smoking in his hand.
"That's the Black Mamba, the most poisonous snake in all Africa. You're lucky I was here with you."
After taking a bogey, they moved to the 2nd hole, a par-5.
"Good to avoid those bushes on the right," says the caddy.
Of course, the businessman's ball went straight into the bushes. As he went to pick up his ball, he heard the loud crack of the caddy's rifle once again, and a huge lion fell dead at his feet.
"I've saved your life again," said the caddy.
The 3rd hole was a par-3 with a lake in front of the green. The businessman's ball came up just short of the green and rolled back to the edge of the water. To take a shot, he had to stand with one foot in the lake. As he was about to swing, a large crocodile emerged from the water and bit off much of his right leg.
As he fell to the ground bleeding and in great pain, he saw the caddy with the rifle propped at his side, looking on unconcernedly.
"Why didn't you kill it" asked the man incredulously. "I'm sorry, sir," said the caddy. "This is the 17th handicap hole. You don't get a shot here."
And that, my golfing friends, is why you should never lie about your handicap!
What if you were playing in the club championship tournament finals and the match was halved at the end of 17 holes. You had the honor and hit your ball a modest two hundred fifty yards to the middle of the fairway, leaving a simple six iron to the pin. Your opponent then hits his ball, lofting it deep into the woods to the right of the fairway. Being the golfing gentleman that you are, you help your opponent look for his ball. Just before the permitted five minute search period ends, your opponent says: "Go ahead and hit your second shot and if I don't find it in time, I'll concede the match." You hit your ball, landing it on the green, stopping about ten feet from the pin. About the time your ball comes to rest, you hear your opponent exclaim from deep in the woods: "I found it!". The second sound you hear is a click, the sound of a club striking a ball and the ball comes sailing out of the woods and lands on the green, stopping no more than six inches from the hole. Now the real "what if" in this story......
What if you had your opponent's ball in your pocket?
The problem with bifocals
Bill is waiting to tee off for the start of his round when he sees Ralph just finishing his round. Bill notices that Ralph is wet all over the front of his trousers. Curiosity gets the best of him, so Bill asks Ralph how he got so wet. Ralph tells the following story:
That day, Ralph had played golf for the first time with bifocals. All day long, he could see two sizes for everything. There was a big club and a little club; a big ball and a little ball; etc. Therefore, Ralph said that he hit the little ball with the big club and it went straight and long all day long. On the green, he putted the little ball into the big cup. He said that he played the best golf of his life. Bill said, "I understand that, but how did you get all wet?"
"Well," said Ralph, "when I got to the 16th, I had to urinate awfully bad. I went into the woods and unzipped my fly. When I looked down, there were two of them also; a big one and a little one. Well, I knew the big one wasn't mine, so I put it back."
Bill came home from golfing well after dark. His wife, Sally, asked him where he had been for such a long time. He told her that after his 8:00 am round of golf, he stopped to help a gorgeous blond with a flat tire. He said that he went back to her place for a cool drink, and ended up in the bedroom with her all afternoon. Sally replied, "You S.O.B.! You played 36 holes, didn't you?"
A couple of women were playing golf one sunny Saturday morning. The first of the twosome teed off and watched in horror as her ball headed directly toward a foursome of men playing the next hole.
Indeed, the ball hit one of the men, and he immediately clasped his hands together at his crotch, fell to the ground and proceeded to roll around in evident agony.
The woman rushed down to the man and immediately began to apologize. She explained that she was a physical therapist: Please allow me to help. I'm a physical therapist and I know I could relieve your pain if you'd allow me she told him earnestly.
Ummph, oooh, nnooo, I'll be alright...I'll be fine in a few minutes, he replied breathlessly as he remained in the fetal position still clasping his hands together at his crotch.
But she persisted, and he finally allowed her to help him. She gently took his hands away and laid them to the side, she loosened his pants, and she put her hands inside. She began to massage him. She then asked him: How does that feel? To which he replied: It feels great, but my thumb still hurts like hell.
The deaf mute golfer
A deaf mute steps up to tee off on the first hole of a golf course, when a large burly guy yells "Hey You!, Nobody tees off ahead of Big Ralph". Being deaf the poor guy continues to prepare for his shot, so Ralph runs up thinking the deaf mute is being obstinate, and knocks the poor guy to the ground, kicks his ball away, and prepares for his own shot. After Ralph has hit the ball and proceeded down the fairway after it, the mute gets up brushes himself off, waits a moment, and again prepares his shot.
The deaf mute then hits a beautiful shot straight up the middle of the fairway, striking big Ralph in the back of the head, and knocking him unconscious. The mute then walks down the fairway rolls big Ralph and holds up four fingers in front of Ralph
It's HELL to be OLD...
An 85-year-old man was told by the Doctor that he needed a sperm count as part of his physical exam.
The doctor gave the man a jar and said, 'Take this jar home and bring back a semen sample tomorrow.'
The next day the 85-year-old man reappeared at the doctor's office and gave him the jar, which was as clean and empty as on the previous day. The doctor asked what happened and the man explained, 'Well, doc, it's like this -- first I tried with my right hand, but nothing.
Then I tried with my left hand, but still nothing. 'Then I asked my wife for help. She tried with her right hand, then
with her left, still nothing. She tried with her mouth, first with the teeth in, then with her teeth out, still nothing.
'We even called up Arleen, the lady next door and she tried too, first with both hands, then an armpit, and she even tried squeezin' it
between her knees, but still nothing.' The doctor was shocked! 'You asked your neighbor?' The old man replied, 'Yep, none of us could get the jar open.'
They Walk Among Us!
Some guy bought a new fridge for his house. To get rid of his old fridge, he put it in his front yard and hung a
sign on it saying: 'Free to good home. You want it, you take it.' For three days the fridge sat there without anyone looking twice.
He eventually decided that people were too mistrustful of this deal. So he changed the sign to read: 'Fridge for sale $50.'
The next day someone stole it!
They walk amongst us!
-------------------------------------
I stopped at Mc Donalds and ordered some fries. The girl behind the counter said would you like some fries with that?
++++_________________
One day I was walking down the beach with some friends when someone shouted....
'Look at that dead bird!' Someone looked up at the sky and said...'where?'
They walk among us!
----------------------------------------------------------
While looking at a house, my brother asked the estate agent which direction was north because
he didn't want the sun waking him up every morning. She asked, 'Does the sun rise in the north?'
My brother explained that the sun rises in the east and has for sometime. She shook her head and said,
'Oh, I don't keep up with all that stuff......'
They Walk Among Us!
--------------------------------------------
My colleague and I were eating our lunch in our cafeteria, when we overheard an admin girl talking about the
sunburn she got on her weekend drive to the beach. She drove down in a convertible, but said she 'didn't think she'd get sunburned
because the car was moving'.
They Walk Among Us!
------------------------------------
My sister has a lifesaving tool in her car which is designed to cut through a seat belt
if she gets trapped. She keeps it in the car trunk.
They Walk Among Us!
-------------------------------------------------
I was going out with a friend when we saw a woman with a nose ring attached to an earring by a chain.
My friend said, 'Ouch! The chain must rip out every time she turns her head!"
I had to explain that a person's nose and ear remain the same distance apart no matter which way the head is turned...
They Walk Among Us !
-------------------------------
I couldn't find my luggage at the airport baggage area and went to the lost luggage office and reported the loss.
The woman there smiled and told me not to worry because she was a trained professional and
said I was in good hands. 'Now,' she asked me, 'Has your plane arrived yet?'..... (I work with professionals like this.)
------------------------------------------------
While working at a pizza parlor I observed a man
ordering a small pizza to go. He appeared to be alone and the cook asked him if he would like it cut
into 4 pieces or 6. He thought about it for some time
then said 'Just cut it into 4 pieces; I don't think I'm hungry
enough to eat 6 pieces.
They Walk Among Us!
And last, but not least:
Dumb as a box of Rocks
A VERY GOOD EXAMPLE OF THE KIND OF REPRESENTATION WE HAVE IN CONGRESS, TRUE STORY:
A noted psychiatrist was a guest speaker at an academic function where Nancy Pelosi happened to appear. Ms Pelosi took the opportunity to schmooze the good doctor a bit and asked him a question with which he was most at ease.
'Would you mind telling me, Doctor,' she asked, 'how you detect a mental deficiency in somebody who appears completely normal?'
'Nothing is easier,' he replied. 'You ask a simple question which anyone should answer with no trouble. If the person hesitates, that puts you on the track..'
'What sort of question?' asked Pelosi.
Well, you might ask, 'Captain Cook made three trips around the world and died during one of them. Which one?''
Pelosi thought a moment, and then said with a nervous laugh, 'You wouldn't happen to have another example would you? I must confess I don't know much about history.'
They Drive, they breed, they vote.
Be Afraid... BE VERY AFRAID!
Firemen have just rescued an Irish man with his penis stuck in a condom machine. They asked him what happened and he said, 'the sign says, insert £2 and push knob in'.
You may not know it, but I have been very busy over the last couple of years putting my thoughts and ideas together into a book. I am very proud of the results and, in order to market the publication, I am asking friends and family to assist.
The book is on golf... I believe it gives the reader valuable playing tips and insider information that I have gained through my years of experience. The book is only $49.95 and can be ordered by simply replying to this email with the appropriate credit card info.
Highlights include
Chapter 1 - How to Properly Line Up Your Fourth Putt
Chapter 2 - How to Hit a Maxfli from the Rough When You Hit a Titleist from the Tee
Chapter 3 - How to Avoid the Water When You Lie 8 in a Bunker (also see Chapter 8)
Chapter 4 - How to Get More Distance off the Shank
Chapter 5 - When to Give the Ranger the Finger
Chapter 6 - Using Your Shadow on the Greens to Maximize Earnings
Chapter 7 - When to Implement Handicap Management
Chapter 8 - Proper Excuses for Drinking Beer Before 9:00 a.m.
Chapter 9 - How to Find That Ball That Everyone Else Saw Go in the Water
Chapter 10- How to Relax When You Are Hitting Three off the Tee
Chapter 11- When to Suggest Major Swing Corrections to Your Opponent
Chapter 12- When to Re-grip Your Ball Retriever
Also includes the latest GOLF terms
A Paris Hilton - an expensive hole
A Diegio Maradonna - a very nasty 5 footer
A Salman Rushdie - an impossible read
A Rio Ferdinand - Lipped out
A Rock Hudson - thought it was straight, but it wasn't
A Cuban - needs one more revolution
An Adolf Hitler - two shots in the bunker
A Yasser Arafat - ugly and in the sand
A Kate Winslett - a bit fat but otherwise perfect
A Kate Moss - bit thin
A Gerry Adams - playing a Provisional
A Rodney King - over-clubbed
An O. J. Simpson - got away with it
A Princess Grace - should have taken a driver
A Princess Di - shouldn't have taken a driver
A Ladyboy - looks like an easy hole but all is not what it seems
An elephant's arse - high and shitty
A condom - safe but didn't feel real good
A circus tent - a BIG top
An Anna Kournikova - looks great, but unlikely to get a result
A Vinnie Jones - nasty kick when you're not expecting it
A Jetstar - flies well but lands a long way from the target
A sister-in-law - up there but I know that I shouldn't be