BARWON DISTRICT SOCIAL GOLF CLUB GEELONG |
SOME MORE HUMOUR
A young man named Chuck bought a horse from a farmer for $250. The farmer agreed to deliver the horse the next day. The next day, the farmer drove up to Chuck’s house and said, “Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the horse died.” Chuck replied, ‘Well, then just give me my money back.” The farmer said, “Can’t do that. I went and spent it already.” Chuck said, “OK, then, just bring me the dead horse.” The farmer asked, “What ya gonna do with him?” Chuck said, “I’m going to raffle him off.” The farmer said, “You can’t raffle off a dead horse!” Chuck said, “Sure I can, Watch me. I just won’t tell anybody he’s dead.” A month Later, the farmer met up with Chuck and asked, ‘What happened with that dead horse?” Chuck said, “I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at five dollars each and made a profit of $2495.” The farmer said, “Didn‘t anyone complain?” Chuck said, “Just the guy who won. So, I gave him his five dollars back...”
In a small fishing village, a Newfoundlander was walking up the wharf carrying two huge three-pound live lobsters, one in each hand - three weeks after the lobster season closed! Whom should he meet at the end of the wharf but the Fisheries Officer who, upon viewing the live and wiggling lobsters, says, "Well bye, I gots you this time - with two live lobsters - three weeks after the season closed!" The Newfoundlander says, "No, my son, you are wrong! These are two trained lobsters that I caught two weeks before the season ended." The Fisheries Officer says, "Trained like how?" "Well, my son, each day I takes these two from my house down to the wharf. And I puts them in the water for a swim. While they swim I sits on the wharf and has me a smoke or two. After about 15 minutes I whistles and up comes me two lobsters, and I takes them home!" "A likely story!" the Fisheries Officer says. "Let's take them on down the wharf and see if it's true." So, the Newfoundlander goes ahead of the Fisheries Officer to the end of the wharf where, under supervision, he gently lowers both lobsters into the water. The Newfoundlander sets on a wharf piling and lights up a smoke, then another. After about 15 minutes the Fisheries Officer says to the Newfoundlander, "How about whistling? The Newfoundlander says "What for?" The Fisheries Officer says, "To call in your lobsters."
The Newfoundlander says, "What lobsters?"
I MOWED THE LAWN TODAY, AND AFTER DOING SO I SAT DOWN AND HAD A COLD BEER. THE DAY WAS REALLY QUITE BEAUTIFUL, AND THE DRINK FACILITATED SOME DEEP THINKING. MY WIFE WALKED BY AND ASKED ME WHAT I WAS DOING AND I SAID 'NOTHING'. THE REASON I SAID THAT INSTEAD OF SAYING 'JUST THINKING' IS BECAUSE SHE WOULD HAVE SAID 'ABOUT WHAT'. AT THAT POINT I WOULD HAVE TO EXPLAIN THAT MEN ARE DEEP THINKERS ABOUT VARIOUS TOPICS WHICH WOULD LEAD TO OTHER QUESTIONS. FINALLY I THOUGHT ABOUT AN AGE OLD QUESTION: IS GIVING BIRTH MORE PAINFUL THAN GETTING KICKED IN THE NUTS? WOMEN ALWAYS MAINTAIN THAT GIVING BIRTH IS WAY MORE PAINFUL THAN A GUY GETTING KICKED IN THE NUTS. WELL, AFTER ANOTHER BEER, AND SOME HEAVY DEDUCTIVE THINKING, I HAVE COME UP WITH THE ANSWER TO THAT QUESTION. GETTING KICKED IN THE NUTS IS MORE PAINFUL THAN HAVING A BABY; AND HERE IS THE REASON FOR MY CONCLUSION. A YEAR OR SO AFTER GIVING BIRTH, A WOMAN WILL OFTEN SAY, "IT MIGHT BE NICE TO HAVE ANOTHER CHILD." ON THE OTHER HAND, YOU NEVER HEAR A GUY SAY, "YOU KNOW, I THINK I WOULD LIKE ANOTHER KICK IN THE NUTS." I REST MY CASE. TIME FOR ANOTHER BEER.
*The other day I was grocery shopping and was in the SIX ITEM EXPRESS lane at the store, quietly fuming. Completely ignoring the sign, the woman ahead of me had slipped into the check-out line pushing a cart piled high with groceries. Imagine my delight when the cashier beckoned the woman to come forward looked into the cart and asked sweetly, "So, which six items would you like to buy?"
*Because they had no reservations at a busy restaurant, my elderly neighbor and his wife were told there would be a 45 minute wait for a table. "Young man, we're both 90 years old," the husband said. "We may not have 45 minutes." They were seated immediately.
*The reason Politicians try so hard to get re-elected is that they would hate to have to make a living under the laws they have passed.
*All eyes were on the radiant bride as her father escorted her down the aisle. They reached the altar and the waiting groom. The bride kissed her father and placed something in his hand. *The guests in the front pews responded with ripples of laughter. Even the priest smiled broadly. As her father gave her away in marriage, the bride gave him back his credit card
* Three friends from the local congregation were asked, "When you're in your casket, and friends and congregation members are mourning over you, what would you like them to say?" Artie said, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful husband, a fine spiritual leader, and a great family man." Eugene commented, "I would like them to say I was a wonderful teacher and servant of God who made a huge difference in people's lives." Al said, "I'd like them to say, Look he's moving."
*Smith climbed to the top of Mt. Sinai to get close enough to talk to God. Looking up, he asked the Lord.. "God, what does a million years mean to you?" The Lord replied, "A minute." Smith asked, "And what does a million dollars mean to you?" The Lord replied, "A penny." Smith asked, "Can I have a penny?" The Lord replied, "In a minute."
*A man goes to a shrink and says, "Doctor, my wife is unfaithful to me. Every evening, she goes to Larry's bar and picks up men. In fact, she sleeps with anybody who asks her! I'm going crazy. What do you think I should do?" "Relax," says the Doctor, "take a deep breath and calm down. Now, tell me, exactly where is Larry's bar?" *John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," John said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said.. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
*A man goes to see the Rabbi. "Rabbi, something terrible is happening and I have to talk to you about it." The Rabbi asked, "What's wrong?" The man replied, "My wife is going to poison me." The Rabbi, very surprised by this, asks, "How can that be?" The man then pleads, "I'm telling you, I'm certain she's going to poison me. What should I do?" The Rabbi offers, "Tell you what. Let me talk to her, I'll see what I can find out and I'll let you know." A week later the Rabbi calls the man and says, "I spoke to your wife on the phone for three hours. You want my advice? The man said, "Yes" and the Rabbi replied, "Take the poison."
FYI: You know, by replacing your morning coffee with Green Tea, you can lose up to 87% of what little joy you still have left in your life...
01. If a bottle of poison reaches its expiration date, is it more poisonous or is it no longer poisonous?
02. Which letter is silent in the word "Scent," the S or the C?
03. Do twins ever realize that one of them is unplanned?
04. Every time you clean something, you just make something else dirty.
05. The word "swims" upside-down is still "swims".
06. Over 100 years ago, everyone owned a horse and only the rich had cars Today everyone has cars and only the rich own horses.
07. If people evolved from monkeys, why are monkeys still around?
08. Why is there a 'D' in fridge, but not in refrigerator?
09. As I've grown older, I've learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is a piece of cake!
10. I'm responsible for what I say, not for what you understand.
11. Common sense is like deodorant. The people who need it the most never use it. 12. My tolerance for idiots is extremely low these days. I used to have some immunity built up, but obviously, there's a new strain out there.
14. It's not my age that bothers me - it's the side effects.
15. I'm not saying I'm old and worn out, but I make sure I'm nowhere near the curb on trash day.
16. As I watch this generation try and rewrite our history, I'm sure of one thing: it will be misspelled and have no punctuation.
17. As I've gotten older, people think I've become lazy. The truth is I'm just being more energy-efficient.
18. I haven't gotten anything done today. I've been in the Produce Department trying to open this stupid plastic bag.
19. If you find yourself feeling useless, remember: it took 20 years, trillions of dollars, thousands of lives and four presidents to replace the Taliban with the Taliban.
20. Turns out that being a "senior" is mostly just googling how to do stuff.
21. I want to be 18 again and ruin my life differently. I have new ideas
22. I'm on two simultaneous diets. I wasn't getting enough food on one.
23. I put my scale in the bathroom corner and that's where the little liar will stay until it apologizes.
24. My mind is like an internet browser. At least 18 open tabs, 3 of them are frozen, and I have no clue where the music is coming from.
25. Hard to believe I once had a phone attached to a wall, and when it rang, I picked it up without knowing who was calling.
26. My wife says I keep pushing her buttons. If that were true, I would have found mute by now.
27. There is no such thing as a grouchy old person. The truth is that once you get old, you stop being polite and start being honest !!!
They were funny looking buildings that were once a way of life;
If you couldn't sprint the distance, then you really were in strife.
They were nailed, they were wired, but were mostly falling down,
There was one in every yard, in every house in town.
They were given many names and some were even funny,
But to most of us they were the outhouse or the dunny.
I've seen some of them with painted doors and all,
But it really made no difference, they were just a port of call.
Now my old man would take a bet, he'd lay an even pound,
That you wouldn't make the dunny with them turkeys hangin' round.
They had so many uses, these buildings out the back!
You could even hide from mother, so you wouldn't get the strap.
That's why we had good cricketers, never mind the bumps,
We used the pathway for the wicket and the dunny door for stumps.
When my old man sat in there the smell would rot your socks;
He would read the daily back to front in that old thunderbox.
And if by chance nature called sometime in the night,
You always sent the dog in first, for there was no flamin' light.
And the dunny seemed to be the place where crawlies liked to hide,
But never showed their faces until you sat inside.
There was no such thing as Sorbent, no tissues there at all,
Just squares of well read newspaper, a-hangin' on the wall.
If you had some friendly neighbours, as neighbours sometimes are,
You could sit and chat to them if you left the door ajar..
When suddenly you got the urge and down the track you fled,
Then of course the magpies were there to peck you on the head.
Then the time whn it was a wet, the rain it never stopped;
If you had an urgent call, you ran between the drops.
The dunny man came once a week to the outhouse out the back,
He would even leave an extra can if you left for him a zac.
For those of you who've no idea what I mean by a zac,
Then you're far too young to have ever had a dunny out the back.
Seniors 12 Commandments
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS.
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop annoying you.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.
TWELVE COMMANDMENTS FOR SENIORS.
#1 - Talk to yourself. There are times you need expert advice.
#2 - “In Style” are the clothes that still fit.
#3 - You don't need anger management. You need people to stop annoying you.
#4 - Your people skills are just fine. It's your tolerance for idiots that needs work.
#5 - The biggest lie you tell yourself is, “I don't need to write that down. I'll remember it.”
#6 - “On time” is when you get there.
#7 - Even duct tape can't fix stupid, but it sure does muffle the sound.
#8 - It would be wonderful if we could put ourselves in the dryer for ten minutes, then come out wrinkle-free and three sizes smaller?
#9 - Lately, you've noticed people your age are so much older than you.
#10 - Growing old should have taken longer.
#11 - Aging has slowed you down, but it hasn't shut you up.
#12 - You still haven't learned to act your age and hope you never will.
. . . And one more:
“One for the road” means peeing before you leave the house.
A woman was having a daytime affair while her husband was at work.
One rainy day she was in bed with her boyfriend when, to her horror,
she heard her husband's car pull into the driveway. 'Oh my God - Hurry!
Grab your clothes and jump out the window. My husband's home early!'
'I can't jump out the window. It's raining out there!'
'If my husband catches us in here, he'll kill us both!' she replied. 'He's got
a hot temper and a gun, so the rain is the least of your problems!'
So the boyfriend scoots out of bed, grabs his clothes and jumps out the
window! As he ran down the street in the pouring rain, he quickly
discovered he had run right into the middle of the town's annual marathon,
so he started running along beside the others, about 300 of them.
Being naked, with his clothes tucked under his arm, he tried to blend in
as best he could. After a little while a small group of runners who had
been watching him with some curiosity, jogged closer. Do you always
run in the nude?' one asked.
'Oh yes!' he replied, gasping in air. 'It feels so wonderfully free!'
Another runner moved a long side. 'Do you always run carrying your
clothes with you under your arm?'
'Oh, yes' our friend answered breathlessly. 'That way I can get
dressed right at the end of the run and get in my car to go home!'
Then a third runner cast his eyes a little lower and asked, 'Do you
always wear a condom when you run?'
'Nope.. just when it's raining.
An Irishman wants a job, but the foreman won't hire him until he passes a little math test. Here is your first question, the foreman said. "Without using numbers, represent the number 9." "Without numbers?" The Irishman says? "Dat is easy." And proceeds to draw three trees. "What's this?" the boss asks. "Have you ain't got no brain? Tree and tree plus tree makes 9" says the Irishman. "Fair enough," says the boss. "Here's your second question. Use the same rules, but this time the number is 99." The Irishman stares into space for a while, then picks up the picture that he has just drawn and makes a little smudge on each tree... "Ere you go." The boss scratches his head and says, "How on earth do you get that to represent 99?" "Each of da trees is dirty now. So, it's dirty tree, and dirty tree, plus dirty tree. Dat makes 99. The boss is getting worried that he's going to actually have to hire this Irishman, so he says, "All right, last question. Same rules again, but represent the number 100." The Irishman stares into space some more, then he picks up the picture again and makes a little mark at the base of each tree and says, "Ere you go. One hundred." The boss looks at the attempt. "You must be nuts if you think that represents a hundred!" The Irishman leans forward and points to the marks at the base of each tree and whispers, "A little dog come along and poop by each tree. So now you got dirty tree and a turd, dirty tree and a turd, and dirty tree and a turd, which makes ONE HUNDRED!"
The Irishman is now head of Qantas
A guy is browsing in a pet shop, and sees a parrot sitting on a little perch. It doesn't have any feet or legs. The guy says aloud, 'Jeesh, I wonder what happened to this parrot.?' The parrot says, 'I was born this way. I'm a defective parrot.' 'Holy crap,' the guy replies. 'You actually understood and answered me. !' 'I got every word,' says the parrot. 'I happen to be a highly intelligent, and a thoroughly educated bird' 'Oh yeah?' the guy asks. 'Then answer this, how do you hang onto your perch, without any feet.?' 'Well,' the parrot says, 'this is very embarrassing, but since you asked, I wrap my weenie around this wooden bar, like a little hook. You can't see it, because of my feathers.' 'Wow,' says the guy. 'You really can understand, and can speak English, can't you.?' 'Actually, I speak both Spanish and English, and I can converse with reasonable competence on almost any topic, politics, religion, sports, physics, philosophy. I'm especially good at ornithology. You really ought to buy me, I'd be a great companion.' The guy looks at the $200.00 price tag. 'Sorry, but I just can't afford that.' 'Pssssssst,' says the parrot, 'I'm defective, so the truth is, nobody wants me, cause I don't have any feet. You can probably get me for $20, just make the guy an offer.!' The guy offers $20, and walks out with the parrot. Weeks go by. The parrot is sensational. He has a great sense of humor, he's interesting, he's a great pal, he understands everything, he sympathizes, and he's insightful. The guy is delighted. One day the guy comes home from work, and the parrot goes, 'Psssssssssssst,' and motions him over with one wing. 'I don't know if I should tell you this or not, but it's about your wife, and the UPS man.' 'What are you talking about,?' asks the Huy. 'When the UPS man delivered a package today, your wife greeted him at the door, in a sheer black nightie.' 'WHAT???' the guy asks incredulously. 'THEN what happened?' 'Well, then the UPS man came into the house, and lifted up her nightie, and began petting her all over,' reported the parrot. 'NO!' he exclaims, 'and she let him.?' 'Yes. Then he continued taking off the nightie, got down on his knees, and began to kiss her all over.' Then the frantic guy demands, 'THEN WHAT HAPPENED.?' DUNNO?!? I got an erection, and fell off my perch.!'
An Australian, Irishman and an Englishman were sitting in a bar. There was only one other person in the bar; a man. The three men kept looking at the other man, for he seemed terribly familiar. They stared and stared, wondering where they had seen him before when, suddenly, the Irishman cried out, "My God! I know who that man is. It's Jesus!" The others looked again, and sure enough, it was Jesus himself, sitting alone at a table. The Irishman calls out across the lounge, "Hey! Hey you! Are you Jesus?" The man looks over at him, smiles a small smile and nods his head. "Yes, I am Jesus", he says. Well, the Irishman calls the bartender over and says to him, "I'd like you to give Jesus over there a pint of Guinness from me." The bartender pours Jesus a Guinness and takes it over to his table. Jesus looks over, raises his glass, smiles thanks and drinks. The Englishman then calls out, "Er, excuse me Sir, but would you be Jesus?" Jesus smiles and says, "Yes, I am Jesus". The Englishman beckons the bartender and tells him to send over a pint of Newcastle Brown Ale for Jesus, which the bartender duly does. As before, Jesus accepts the drink and smiles over at the table. Then the Australian calls out, "Oy you! D'ya reckon you're Jesus or what?" Jesus nods and says, "Yes, I am Jesus". The Australian is mighty impressed and has the bartender send over a schooner of VB for Jesus which Jesus accepts with pleasure. Some time later, after finishing the drinks, Jesus leaves his seat and approaches our three friends. He reaches for the hand of the Irishman and shakes it, thanking him for the Guinness. When he lets go, the Irishman gives a cry of amazement, "Oh God! The arthritis is gone! The arthritis I've had for years is gone! It's a miracle!" Jesus then shakes the Englishman's hand, thanking him for the Newcastle. Upon letting go, the Englishman's eyes widen in shock, "By jove, the migraine! The migraine I've had for 40 years is completely gone! It's a miracle !!!" Jesus then goes to approach the Australian who has a terrified look on his face. "Back off mate! - I'm on compo!"
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was greeted by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger. This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them is a cannibal."
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's...Father O'Malley!"
I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night minding my own business.
This chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you're seventy...............who cares?
I went to the chemist and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you're seventy.............who cares.
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right" I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." Cost me a fat lip, but... When you're seventy..............who cares?
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then.. Try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you're seventy...............who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy..............who cares?
I went to our RSL last night and saw a big woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but..
When you're seventy..............who cares?
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98 IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET! WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP! IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman", you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f....... fault."
The ambassador of a small African nation chanced to visit Russia, and was greeted by his opposite number, the Russian ambassador. For three days, the African ambassador was wined, dined, and generally treated to the best hospitality that Russia had to offer. On the final day of his visit, the Russian ambassador said, "As your stay is coming to an end, it is time for you to play our traditional game, Russian roulette. One of the six chambers of this gun is loaded - you spin the cylinder, point the gun at your head, and pull the trigger. This phased the African slightly, but he was a proud man of a warrior people, and to show fear would be unthinkable. Both men took their guns, spun, and pulled the triggers. Both chambers were empty, and both ambassadors breathed a sigh of relief. The African ambassador was much impressed with the courageous game, and thought hard about the subject before the Russian Ambassador was due to visit his country the next year. When the visit came, the African ambassador treated the Russian with all hospitality, until the final day of his stay. Leading him to a private room in the palace, the African ambassador spoke, "Now it is time for you to sample our game, African roulette". So saying, he led the Russian into the room, the only occupants of which were six beautiful, naked women. The African ambassador said, "These women are the most beautiful members of one of our tribes. Any one of them will give you oral sex - take your pick". The Russian was not entirely averse to this idea, but he couldn't see the connection with Russian Roulette. He said, "Well, ok, great, but where's the roulette part? Where's the danger?" With a big grin on his face, the African ambassador answered:
"One of them is a cannibal."
A golfer is in a competitive match with a friend, who is ahead by a couple of strokes. The golfer says to himself, "I'd give anything to sink this next putt." A stranger walks up to him and whispers, "Would you give up a fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer thinks the man is crazy and that his answer will be meaningless. At the same time he thinks this might be a good omen, so he says, "Okay," and sinks the putt. Two holes later he mumbles to himself, "Boy, if I could only get an eagle on this hole." The same stranger moves to his side and says, "Would it be worth another fourth of your sex life?"
The golfer shrugs and says, "Sure." He makes an eagle. On the final hole, the golfer needs yet another eagle to win. Though he says nothing, the stranger moves to his side and says, "Would you be willing to give up the rest of your sex life to win this match?" The golfer says, "Certainly!" He makes the eagle. As the golfer walks to the club house, the stranger walks alongside and says, "You know, I've really not been fair with you because you don't know who I am. I'm the devil, and from now on you will have no sex life." "Nice to meet you," says the golfer. "My name's...Father O'Malley!"
I was standing at the bar at the RSL one night minding my own business.
This chick came up behind me, grabbed my behind and said, "You're kinda cute. You gotta phone number?"
I said, "Yeah, you gotta pen?" She said, "Yeah, I got a pen". I said, "You better get back in it before the farmer misses you." Cost me 6 stitches...but, When you're seventy...............who cares?
I went to the chemist and told the clerk "Give me 3 packets of condoms, please." Lady Clerk: "Do you need a paper bag with that, sir?" I said "Nah... She's purty good lookin'....." When you're seventy.............who cares.
I was talking to a young woman in the RSL last night. She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right" I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you." Cost me a fat lip, but... When you're seventy..............who cares?
I was telling a woman in the Club about my ability to guess what day a woman was born just by feeling her breasts. "Really" she said, "Go on then.. Try." After about thirty seconds of fondling she began to lose patience and said, "Come on, what day was I born?" I said, "Yesterday." Cost me a kick in the nuts, but... When you're seventy...............who cares?
I got caught taking a pee in the swimming pool today. The lifeguard shouted at me so loud, I nearly fell in.
When you're seventy..............who cares?
I went to our RSL last night and saw a big woman dancing on a table. I said, "Good legs." The girl giggled and said, "Do you really think so?" I said, "Definitely! Most tables would have collapsed by now." Cost me 6 more stitches, but..
When you're seventy..............who cares?
This is the transcription of the ACTUAL radio conversation between the British and the Irish off the coast of Kerry, Ireland October 1998. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval Operations 10-10-98 IRISH: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: Recommend you divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a collision. IRISH: Negative. You will have to divert your course 15 degrees to the South to avoid a collision. BRITISH: This is the Captain of a British Navy Ship. I say again, divert YOUR course. IRISH: Negative. I say again, you will have to divert YOUR course. BRITISH: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER HMS BRITIANNIA, THE SECOND LARGEST SHIP IN THE BRITISH ATLANTIC FLEET! WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. DEMAND YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH. I SAY AGAIN, THAT IS 15 DEGREES NORTH OR COUNTER MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO ENSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS SHIP! IRISH: We are a lighthouse................Your Call.
A man in a hot air balloon realised he was lost. He reduced altitude and spotted a woman below. He descended a bit more and shouted, "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised a friend I would meet him an hour ago, but I don't know where I am." The woman below replied, "You're in a hot air balloon hovering approximately 30 feet above the ground. You're between 40 and 41 degrees north latitude and between 59 and 60 degrees west longitude." "You must be in IT," said the balloonist. "I am," replied the woman, "How did you know?" "Well," answered the balloonist, "everything you told me is technically correct, but I've no idea what to make of your information and the fact is I'm still lost. Frankly, you've not been much help at all. If anything, you've delayed my trip." The woman below responded, "You must be in Management." "I am," replied the balloonist, "but how did you know?" "Well," said the woman", you don't know where you are or where you're going. You have risen to where you are due to a large quantity of hot air. You made a promise, which you've no idea how to keep, and you expect people beneath you to solve your problems. The fact is you are in exactly the same position you were in before we met, but now, somehow, it's my f....... fault."
I have a little Satnav, It sits there in my car
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, And all those to the rear
And taking this into account, It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
A Satnav is a driver's friend, it tells you where you are.
I have a little Satnav, I've had it all my life
It's better than the normal ones, My Satnav is my wife.
It gives me full instructions, Especially how to drive
"It's sixty miles an hour", it says, "You're doing sixty five".
It tells me when to stop and start, And when to use the brake
And tells me that it's never ever, Safe to overtake.
It tells me when a light is red, And when it goes to green
It seems to know instinctively, Just when to intervene.
It lists the vehicles just in front, And all those to the rear
And taking this into account, It specifies my gear.
I'm sure no other driver, Has so helpful a device
For when we leave and lock the car, It still gives its advice.
It fills me up with counselling, Each journey's pretty fraught
So why don't I exchange it, And get a quieter sort?
Ah well, you see, it cleans the house, Makes sure I'm properly fed
It washes all my shirts and things, And keeps me warm in bed!
Despite all these advantages, And my tendency to scoff,
I only wish that now and then, I could turn the bugger off.
When I was 14, I hoped that one day I would have a girlfriend. When I was 16 I got a girlfriend, but there was no passion, so I decided I needed a passionate girl with a zest for life. In college I dated a passionate girl, but she was too emotional. Everything was an emergency; she was a drama queen, cried all the time and threatened suicide. So I decided I needed a girl with stability. When I was 25 I found a very stable girl but she was boring. She was totally predictable and never got excited about anything. Life became so dull that I decided that I needed a girl with some excitement. When I was 28 I found an exciting girl, but I couldn't keep up with her. She rushed from one thing to another, never settling on anything. She did mad impetuous things and made me miserable as often as happy. She was great fun initially and very energetic, but directionless. So I decided to find a girl with some real ambition. When I turned 31, I found a smart ambitious girl with her feet planted firmly on the ground and married her. She was so ambitious that she divorced me and took everything I owned. I am now older and wiser, and am looking for a girl with big tits.
A young cowboy, sitting in a saloon one Saturday night, recognized an elderly man standing at the bar who, in his day, had been the fastest gun in the West. The cowboy walked over to the old-timer, bought him a drink and told him of his great ambition to be a great gunfighter. "Could you give me some tips?" he asked. The old man said, "Well, for one thing, you're wearing your gun too high -- tie the holster a little lower down on your leg."
"Will that make me a better gunfighter?" "Sure will."* The young man did as he was told, then stood up, whipped out his .44, and shot the bow tie off the piano player.* "That's terrific!" exclaimed the cowboy. "Got any more tips?" "Yep," said the old man. "Cut a notch out of your holster where the hammer hits it -- that'll give you a smoother draw." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the young man. "You bet it will," said the old-timer.* The young man took out his knife, cut the notch, stood up, drew his gun in a blur, and then shot a cuff link off the piano player. "Wow!" said the cowboy excitedly, "I'm learnin' somethin' here. Got any more tips?" The old man pointed to a large can in a corner of the saloon. "See that can of axle grease over there? Coat your gun with it." The young man smeared some of the grease on the barrel of his gun. "No," said the old-timer, "I mean smear it all over the gun, the handle, and all." "Will that make me a better gunfighter?" asked the puzzled young man. "No," said the old-timer, "but when Wyatt Earp gets done playing the piano, he's gonna shove that gun up your ass, and it won't hurt as much."
And on the 8th day, God created Seniors. Most seniors never get enough exercise. In His wisdom, God decreed that seniors become forgetful so they would have to search for their glasses, keys, and other things, thus doing more walking. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God saw there was another need. In His wisdom He made seniors lose coordination so they would drop things, requiring them to bend, reach, and stretch. And God looked down and saw that it was good. Then God considered the function of bladders and decided seniors would have additional calls of nature, requiring more trips to the bathroom, thus providing more exercise. God looked down and saw that it was good. So if you find, as you age, you are getting up and down more, remember it's God's will. It is all in your best interest even though you mutter under your breath.
Nine Important Facts to Remember as We Grow Older:
#9. Death is the number 1 killer in the world.
#8. Life is sexually transmitted.
#7. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.
#6. Men have two motivations: hunger and sex, and they can't tell them apart. If you see a gleam in his eyes, make him a sandwich.
#5. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day. Teach a person to use the Internet and they won't bother you for weeks, months, maybe years.
#4. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in the hospital, dying of nothing.
#3. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
#2. In the 60's, people took LSD to make the world weird. Now the world is weird, and people take Prozac to make it normal.
#1. Life is like a jar of jalapeno peppers. What you do today may be a burning issue tomorrow.
Didn't like shopping there anyway. Yesterday I was at my local Coles store buying a large bag of Chum dog food for my loyal pet and was in the checkout queue when a woman behind me asked if I had a dog. What did she think I had, an elephant? So, since I'm retired and have little to do, on impulse I told her that no, I didn't have a dog, I was starting the Chum Diet again. I added that I probably shouldn’t, because I ended up in hospital last time, but I'd lost 2 stone before I woke up in intensive care with tubes coming out of most of my orifices and IVs in both arms. I told her that it was essentially a perfect diet and that the way that it works is to load your pockets with Chum nuggets and simply eat one or two every time you feel hungry. The food is nutritionally complete so it works well and I was going to try it again. I have to mention here that practically everyone in queue was now enthralledwith my story. Horrified, she asked me if I ended up in intensive care because the dog food poisoned me. I told her no, I stepped off the kerb to sniff an Irish Setter's arse and a car hit me. I thought the guy behind her was going to have a heart attack he was laughing so hard. I'm now banned from Coles. Better watch what you ask retired people. They have all the time in the world to think of daft things to say.
Students in an advanced Biology class were taking their mid-term exam. The last question was, 'Name seven advantages of Mother's Milk.' The question was worth 70 points or none at all. One student was hard put to think of seven advantages. He wrote:
1) It is perfect formula for the child.
2) It provides immunity against several diseases.
3) It is always the right temperature.
4) It is inexpensive.
5) It bonds the child to mother and vice versa.
6) It is always available as needed.
And then the student was stuck. Finally, in desperation, just before the bell
rang indicating the end of the test he wrote:
7) It comes in two attractive containers and it's high enough off the ground
where the cat can't get it. He got an A.
A doctor had been seeing an 80-year-old woman for most of her life finally retired. At her next checkup, the new doctor told her to bring a list of all the medicines that had been prescribed for her As the doctor was looking through these his eyes grew wide as he realized Grandma had a prescription for birth control pills. "Mrs. Smith, do you realize these are birth control pills?" "Yes, they help me sleep at night." Mrs. Smith, I assure you there is absolutely nothing in these that could possibly help you sleep!" She reached out and patted the young doctor's knee and said, "Yes, dear, I know that. But every morning, I grind one up and mix it in the glass of orange juice that my16-year -old Granddaughter drinks. And believe me it definitely helps me sleep at night." You gotta love Grandmas!
My wife, J… had been after me for several weeks to varnish the wooden seat on our toilet. Finally, I got around to doing it while J…was out. After finishing, I left to take care of another matter before she returned. She came home and undressed to take a shower. Before getting in the shower, she sat on the toilet. As she tried to stand up, she realized that the not-quite-dry epoxy paint had glued her to the toilet seat. About that time, I got home and realized her predicament. We both pushed and pulled without any success whatsoever. Finally, in desperation, I undid the toilet seat bolts. J… wrapped a sheet around herself and I drove her to the hospital emergency room. The ER Doctor got her into a position where he could study how to free her (Try to get a mental picture of this.) J… tried to lighten the embarrassment of it all by saying, “Well, Doctor, I’ll bet you’ve never seen anything like this before.” The Doctor replied, “Actually, I’ve seen lots of them I just never saw one mounted and framed.”
A widowed Jewish lady, still in good shape, was sunbathing on a totally deserted beach near Tel Aviv. She looked up and noticed that a man her age, also in good shape, had walked up, placed his blanket on the sand near hers and began reading a book. Smiling, she attempted to strike up a conversation with him. "How are you today?" "Fine, thank you," he responded, and turned back to his book. "I love the beach. Do you come here often?" she asked. "First time since my wife passed away 2 years ago," he replied, and turned back to his book.
"I'm sorry to hear that. My husband passed away three years ago and it is very lonely," she countered. ”Do you live around here?" she asked. "Yes, I live over in Haifa," he answered, and again he resumed reading. Trying to find a topic of common interest, she persisted, "Do you like pussy cats?" With that, the man dropped his book, came over to her blanket, tore off her swimsuit and gave her the most passionate lovemaking of her life. When the cloud of sand began to settle, she gasped and asked the man, "How did you know that was what I wanted?"
The man replied, "How did you know my name was Katz?"
A young man moved out from home and into his first apartment. He went proudly down to the lobby to put his name on his mailbox. While there, a stunning young blonde lady came out of the apartment next to the mailboxes, wearing only a robe. The boy smiled at the young woman and she started up a conversation with Him. As they talked, her robe slipped open, and it was obvious that she had nothing else on. The poor kid broke into a sweat trying to maintain eye contact. After a few minutes, she placed her hand on his arm and said, "Let's go to my apartment, I hear someone coming." He followed her into her apartment; she closed the door and leaned against it, allowing her robe to fall off completely. Now nude, she purred at him, "What would you say is my best feature?" Flustered and embarrassed, he finally squeaked, "It's got to be your ears." Astounded, and a little hurt she asked, "My ears?! Look at these breasts; they are a full 39 inches and 100 percent natural. I work out every day and my ass is firm and solid. I have a 28 inch waist. Look at my skin - not a blemish anywhere. How can you think that the best part of my body is my ears?" Clearing his throat, he stammered, "Outside, when you said you heard someone coming...that was me."
Toward the end of the Sunday service, the Minister asked, "How many of you have forgiven your enemies?" 90% held up their hands. The Minister then repeated his question. All responded this time, except one man, Walter Barnes. "Mr. Barnes, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?" "I don't have any," he replied gruffly. "Mr. Barnes, that is very unusual. How old are you?" "Ninety-eight," he replied. The congregation stood up and clapped their hands. "Oh, Mr. Barnes, would you please come down in front and tell us all how a person can live ninety-eight years and not have an enemy in the world?" The old golfer tottered down the aisle, stopped in front of the pulpit, turned around, faced the congregation, and said simply, "I outlived all them assholes." Then he calmly returned to his seat.
A Mexican woodpecker and a Canadian woodpecker were in Mexico arguing about which country had the toughest trees. The Mexican woodpecker claimed Mexico had a tree that no woodpecker could peck. The Canadian woodpecker accepted his challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem. The Mexican woodpecker was amazed. The Canadian woodpecker then challenged the Mexican woodpecker to peck a tree in Canada that was absolutely 'impeckable' (a term frequently used by woodpeckers ). The Mexican woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. The two of them flew to Canada where the Mexican woodpecker successfully pecked the so-called 'impeckable' tree almost without breaking a sweat. Both woodpeckers were now terribly confused. How is it that the Canadian woodpecker was able to peck the Mexican tree, and the Mexican woodpecker was able to peck the Canadian tree, yet neither was able to peck the tree in their own country? After much woodpecker pondering, they both came to the same conclusion: Apparently, Tiger Woods was right, when he said, your pecker gets harder when you're away from home.
A young Chinese couple gets married. She's a virgin. Truth be told, he is a virgin too, but she doesn't know that.
On their wedding night, she cowers naked under the sheets as her husband undresses in the darkness. He climbs into bed next to her and tries to be rea ssuring. 'My darring,' he whispers, 'I know dis you firss time and you berry flighten. I promise you, I give you anyting you want, I do anyting - juss anyting you want. You juss ask. Whatchu want?' he says, trying to sound experienced and worldly, which he hopes will impress her..
A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly) for her request.
She eventually shyly whispers back, 'I want to try someting I have hear about from odda girls... Numbaa 69.'
More thoughtful silence, this time from him.Eventually, in a puzzled tone he asks her, 'You want... Garlic Chicken wif snow peas?"
2021 DARWIN AWARDS
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing, head first, through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out of the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS.....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves ... ‘Shit happens’.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
Eighth Place
In Detroit, a 41-year-old man got stuck and drowned in two feet of water after squeezing, head first, through an 18-inch-wide sewer grate to retrieve his car keys.
Seventh Place
A 49-year-old San Francisco stockbroker, who “totally zoned out when he ran”, accidentally jogged off a 100-foot high cliff on his daily run.
Sixth Place
While at the beach, Daniel Jones, 21, dug an 8 foot hole for protection from the wind and had been sitting in a beach chair at the bottom when it collapsed, burying him beneath 5 feet of sand. People on the beach used their hands and shovels trying to get him out but could not reach him. It took rescue workers using heavy equipment almost an hour to free him. Jones was pronounced dead at a hospital.
Fifth Place
Santiago Alvarado, 24, was killed as he fell through the ceiling of a bicycle shop he was burglarizing. Death was caused when the long flashlight he had placed in his mouth to keep his hands free rammed into the base of his skull as he hit the floor.
Fourth Place
Sylvester Briddell, Jr., 26, was killed as he won a bet with friends who said he would not put a revolver loaded with four bullets into his mouth and pull the trigger.
Third Place
After stepping around a marked police patrol car parked at the front door, a man walked into H&J Leather & Firearms intent on robbing the store. The shop was full of customers and a uniformed officer was standing at the counter. Upon seeing the officer, the would-be robber announced a hold-up and fired a few wild shots from a target pistol. The officer and a clerk promptly returned fire, and several customers also drew their guns and fired. The robber was pronounced dead at the scene by Paramedics. Crime scene investigators located 47 expended cartridge cases in the shop. The subsequent autopsy revealed 23 gunshot wounds. Ballistics identified rounds from 7 different weapons. No one else was hurt.
HONORABLE MENTION
Paul Stiller, 47, and his wife Bonnie were bored just driving around at 2 A.M. so they lit a quarter stick of dynamite to toss out of the window to see what would happen. Apparently they failed to notice that the window was closed.
RUNNER UP
Kerry Bingham had been drinking with several friends when one of them said they knew a person who had bungee-jumped from a local bridge in the middle of traffic. The conversation grew more excited and at least 10 men trooped along the walkway of the bridge at 4:30 AM. Upon arrival at the midpoint of the bridge, they discovered that no one had brought a bungee rope. Bingham, who had continued drinking, volunteered and pointed out that a coil of lineman's cable lay nearby. They secured one end around Bingham's leg and then tied the other to the bridge. His fall lasted 40 feet before the cable tightened and tore his foot off at the ankle. He miraculously survived his fall into the icy water and was rescued by two nearby fishermen. Bingham's foot was never located.
AND THE WINNER IS.....
Zookeeper Friedrich Riesfeldt (Paderborn, Germany) fed his constipated elephant 22 doses of animal laxative and more than a bushel of berries, figs, and prunes before the plugged-up pachyderm finally got relief. Investigators say ill-fated Friedrich, 46, was attempting to give the ailing elephant an olive oil enema when the relieved beast unloaded. The sheer force of the elephant's unexpected defecation knocked Mr.Riesfeldt to the ground where he struck his head on a rock as the elephant continued to evacuate 200 pounds of dung on top of him. It seems to be just one of those freak accidents that proves ... ‘Shit happens’.
IT ALWAYS SEEMS IMPORTANT TO THANK THESE PEOPLE FOR REMOVING THEMSELVES FROM THE GENE POOL.
An Irishman and a Greek were having a coffee when, over his double latte, the Greek says, “You know we built the Parthenon, along with the Temple of Apollo” Aye, and it was the Irish that discovered the Summer and Winter solstices.” said the Irishman “Maybe so, but it was the Greeks who gave birth to mathematics”. “Granted,” came the reply, “but it was the Irish who built the first timepieces”. Knowing that he’s about to deliver the coup de grace, the son of Athens points out with a note of finality: “Well just you keep in mind, next time you get lucky, that it was the ancient Greeks who invented the notion of sex as a pleasurable activity”.“Aye! True enough,” said the Irishman, “but it was the Irish who got women involved”.
A wealthy Arab Sheik was admitted to hospial for heart surgery, but prior to the surgery, the doctors needed to store his type of blood in case the need arose. As the gentleman had a rare type of blood, it couldn't be found locally, so, the call went out. Finally Scotsman was located who had a similar blood type. The Scot willingly donated his blood for the Arab. After the surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman in appreciation for giving his blood, a new BMW, 5 carats of diamonds, and $50,000 dollars.A couple of days later, once again, the Arab had to go through a corrective surgery. The hospital telephoned the Scotsman who was more than happy to donate more of his blood again. After the second surgery, the Arab sent the Scotsman a thank-you card and a box of Cadbury chocolates. The Scotsman was shocked that the Arab did not reciprocate his kind gesture as he had before.He phoned the Arab and asked him: "I thought you would be generous again, that you would give me another BMW, diamonds and money ... but you only gave me a thank-you card and a box of chocolates." To this the Arab replied: "Aye laddie, but I have Scottish blood in ma veins now"
John was on his deathbed and gasped pitifully, "Give me one last request, dear," he said. "Of course, John," his wife said softly. "Six months after I die," he said, "I want you to marry Bob." "But I thought you hated Bob," she said. With his last breath John said, "I do!"
A young under-educated man applied for a job in an office as a custodian. He filled out the application, then went in for an interview with the woman in charge of Personnel when his name was called. After the interview, he left and hooked up with his homies. One asked, "How'd it go?" The guy answered, "First part was smooth. But den she wanted to see
my testimonials. So I unzipped my pants and showed 'em --and she freaked! There went da job!"
A little old couple in their eighties were sitting on the couch watching TV. For a lark, the old man switched over to the Playboy Channel. They watched for a few minutes, then he looked at her and asked, "Do you think we can still do that?"
"Well, we can sure try!" she answered. So they shuffled off to the bedroom. He went into the bathroom to get ready and she took off all her clothes in the bedroom. When he came out of the bathroom, he saw her standing on her head in the middle of the bedroom floor. "What are you doing, sweetheart?" he asked. "Well," she replied, "I thought if you couldn't get it up, maybe you could just drop it in!
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing. You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising. You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations. You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
There were four of us at a deer camp. No one wanted to bunk in with John because he snored so loudly. We decided it wasn't fair to make one guy stay with him all three nights so we decided to take turns in his cabin. The first guy with John comes to breakfast the next morning with his hair a mess and his eyes all bloodshot. We asked, "Man, what happened to you? He shook his head and says, "The snoring was so loud, I just sat up and watched him all night." The next night it was a different guy's turn. In the morning, worse, hair all standing up, eyes all bloodshot. Again, knowing, we asked, "Wow, what happened to you? You look awful! He replied, 'Man, that John shook the roof with his snoring. I watched him all night." The third night was Garry’s turn. Garry was tanned, older, a well-seasoned vet. The next morning he came to breakfast bright-eyed and bushy-tailed. "Good morning!" We couldn't believe it. We asked, "Hey, what happened?" Garry says, "Well, we got ready for bed, I tucked him in, patted him on the butt and gave him a little kiss good night…. John sat up and watched me all night."
With age comes wisdom.
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said; "Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left; but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.” The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!" The woman continued, "And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn't break. Surely, God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune." Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it. and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman. The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man. The man asked "Aren't you having any?” She replied “Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police" Many years ago, Adam ate the apple. Men will never learn,,,
Say you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G. The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part "G") and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician. This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need. Need new teeth? Need glasses? Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! No problem. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now! And, who will be paying for all of this? The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home. And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
Now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
The Chinese guy buys 25 pairs. He returns a few days later and this time orders fifty. The Jew tells him that they have become even harder to get and charges him $60.00 each. The Chinese guy returns a month later and buys the Jew's remaining stock of 50, and this time for $75.00 each. The Jew is somewhat puzzled by the large demand for black size 38 bras and asks the Chinese guy, please tell me: What do you do with al l these black bras? The Chinese guy answers:
'I cut them in half and sell them as skull caps to you Jews for $200.00 each.
An Australian tourist in London decides to skip his tour group and explore the city on his own. He wanders around, seeing the sights, and occasionally stopping at a quaint pub to soak up the local culture, chat with the lads, and have a pint of Guinness. While, he finds himself in a very high-class neighbourhood.....big, stately residences... no pubs, no stores, no restaurants, and worst of all...NO PUBLIC RESTROOMS. He really, really has to go, after all those beers. He finds a narrow side street, with high walls surrounding the adjacent buildings and decides to use the wall to solve his problem. As he is unzipping, he is tapped on the shoulder by a London Bobby, who says, "I say, sir, you simply cannot do that here, you know." "I'm very sorry, officer," replies the Australian, "but I really, really HAVE TO GO, and I just can't find a public restroom." "Ah, yes," said the bobby..."Just follow me".vHe leads him to a back "delivery alley", then along a wall to a gate, which he opens. "In there," points the bobby. "Whiz away sir, anywhere you want."vThe fellow enters and finds himself in the most beautiful garden he has ever seen. Manicured grass lawns, statuary, fountains, sculpted hedges, and huge beds of gorgeous flowers, all in perfect bloom. Since he has the cop's blessing, he unburdens himself and is greatly relieved.vAs he goes back through the gate, he says to the bobby, "That was really decent of you... is that what you call 'English Hospitality'?"v"No, sir" replies the bobby, "that is what we call the French Embassy."
There was a German, an Italian and a Redneck on death row. The warden gave them a choice of three ways to die: to be shot, to be hung, or to be injected with the AIDS virus for a slow death. So the German said, "Shoot me right in the head."
(Boom, he was dead instantly). Then the Italian said, "Just hang me." (Snap, he was dead.) Then the Redneck said, "Give me some of that AIDS stuff." They gave him the shot, and the redneck fell down laughing. The guards looked at each other and wondered what was wrong with this guy. Then the Redneck said, "Give me another one of those shots," so
the guards did. Now he was laughing so hard, tears rolled from his eyes and he doubled over. Finally the warden said, "What is wrong with you?" The Redneck replied, "You guys are so stupid, I'm wearing a condom!"
Mary Poppins decides to grow some vegetables. When she picks her crop in the autumn, her carrots, potatoes, onions, and spring beans have all failed, but her cauliflowers have grown a treat. She picks them, cooks some for Sunday lunch in a cheese sauce, and they taste wonderful. After eating them for a week she notices two things. Firstly, her lips are full and glossy, unchapped, uncracked, and require absolutely no lip gloss to make them look full and pouty. Secondly, she has really awful bad breath, and even her cat won't come near her. Pleased with her lips, however, and spotting a money-making idea, she contacts a big cosmetics company and explains about the lip-enhancing qualities of her cauliflower crop. After a month of testing, the company buys the entire crop of cauliflowers for a phenomenal amount and requests that Mary grow some more as soon as possible. The company proceeds to make lipstick out of them but
experiences problems in the the final product manufacture. The lipstick does not gel correctly into a solid stick and
ends up crumbling upon application. Quality controllers also find that, even as a lipstick, the bad breath remains and
have to put it down as an unfortunate side effect. As they are nearing their production deadline and adverts for this new wonder lip enhancer have hit the streets, the cosmetics company has no choice but to produce the packaging with the following caution. Poppins' Pop-up Lip Enhancer: SUPER CAULI, FRAGILE LIPSTICK - EXPECT-HALITOSIS
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My daughter just walked into the living room and said "Dad, cancel my allowance immediately, rent my room out,
throw all my clothes out of the window, take my TV, and stereo, and iPhone, and iPod, and my laptop. Please take all of my jewelry to the Salvation Army or Cash Converters. Then sell my new car, take my front door key away from me and throw me out of the house. Then disown me and never talk to me again. And don't forget to write me out of your will and leave my share to my brother." Well, she didn't put it quite like that... She actually said... "Dad I have decided to work for the president's re-election campaign."
________________
A black man and his wife were going to a Halloween party in a couple of days so the husband tells his wife to go to
the store and get costumes for them to wear. When he comes home that night he goes into the bedroom and there laid out on the bed is a Superman costume. The husband yells at his wife, What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Superman? Take this back and get me something else I can wear. The next day the wife, not too happy, returns the costume and gets a replacement. The husband comes home from work goes to the bedroom and there laid out on the bed, is a Batman costume. He again yells at his poor wife, "What are you doing? Have you ever heard of a black Batman? Take this back and get me something I can wear to the costume party!" The next morning his irate wife goes shopping. When the husband comes home again from work, there laid out on the bed are three items one is a set of
three white buttons, the second is a thick white belt, and the third item is a 2 x 4 The husband yells at the wife, What the hell are these for? " The wife yells back," Take your clothes off. You can put the three white buttons on the front of you and go as a domino. If you don't like that idea, you can put the white belt on and go as an Oreo. And if you don't like THAT idea, you can shove the 2 x 4 up your ass and go as a fudgesicle!
I mowed the lawn today, and after doing so I sat down and had a cold beer. The day was really quite beautiful, and the drink facilitated some deep thinking. My wife walked by and asked me what I was doing, and I said, "Nothing." The reason I said "nothing" instead of saying "just thinking" is because she then would have asked, "About what?" At that point I would have had to explain that men are deep thinkers about various topics, which would lead to other questions. Finally I pondered an age old question: Is giving birth more painful than getting kicked in the nuts? Women always maintain that giving birth is way more painful than a guy getting kicked in the nuts, but how could they know? Well, after another beer, and some more heavy deductive thinking, I have come up with an answer to that question. Getting kicked in the nuts is more painful than having a baby, and even though I obviously couldn't really know, here is the reason for my conclusion. A year or so after giving birth, a woman will often say, "It might be nice to have another child." On the other hand, you never hear a guy say, "You know, I think I would like another kick in the nuts." I rest my case. It's time for another beer and then maybe a nap.
A first-grade teacher, Ms Brooks, was having trouble with one of her students. The teacher asked, 'Harry, what's your problem?’ Harry answered, 'I'm too smart for the 1st grade. My sister is in the 3rd grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the 3rd grade too!' Ms.. Brooks had enough. She took Harry to the principal's office.
While Harry waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principal what the situation was. The principal told Ms. Brooks he would give the boy a test. If he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back to the 1st grade and behave. She agreed. Harry was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed to take the test.
Principal: 'What is 3 x 3?' Harry: '9.' Principal: 'What is 6 x 6?' Harry: '36.' And so it went with every question the principal thought a 3rd grader should know. The principal looks at Ms. Brooks and tells her, 'I think Harry can go to the 3rd grade' Ms. Brooks says to the principal, 'Let me ask him some questions..' The principal and Harry both agreed
Ms.. Brooks asks, 'What does a cow have four of that I have only two of?' Harry, after a moment: 'Legs..' Ms rooks: 'What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?' The principal wondered why would she ask such a question!
Harry replied: 'Pockets.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a dog do that a man steps into?' Harry: 'Pants.' The principal sat forward with his mouth hanging open. Ms. Brooks: 'What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft and sticky?'
The principal's eyes opened really wide and before he could stop the answer, Harry replied, 'Bubble gum.' Ms. Brooks: 'What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dog does on three legs?' Harry: 'Shake hands.' The principal was trembling. Ms.. Brooks: 'What word starts with an 'F' and ends in 'K' that means a lot of heat and excitement?' Harry: 'Firetruck.' The principal breathed a sigh of relief and told the teacher, 'Put Harry in the fifth-grade, I got the last seven questions wrong...'
A man walks into a bar with a paper bag. He sits down and places the bag on the counter. The bartender walks up and asks what's in the bag. The man reaches into the bag and pulls out a little man, about one foot high and sets him on the counter. He reaches back into the bag and pulls out a small piano, setting it on the counter as well. He reaches into the bag once again and pulls out a tiny piano bench, which he places in front of the piano. The little man sits down at the piano and starts playing a beautiful piece by Mozart! 'Where on earth did you get that?' says the bartender. The man responds by reaching into the paper bag. This time he pulls out a magic lamp. He hands it to the bartender and says.... 'Here. Rub it.' So the bartender rubs the lamp, and suddenly there's a gust of smoke and a beautiful genie is standing before him....... 'I will grant you one wish. Just One wish each person is only allowed one!' The bartender gets real excited. Without hesitating he says....... 'I want a million bucks!' A few moments later, a duck walks into the bar. It is soon followed by another duck, then another. Pretty soon, the entire bar is filled with ducks and they keep coming! The bartender turns to the man and says...... 'Y'know, I think Your genie's a little deaf. I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks.' 'Tell me about it!!' says the man, 'do you really think I asked for a 12 inch pianist?’
Uncle Joe had to get a job. The farm hadn't worked out so well, so this time he tried a local ranch. The rancher took pity on him and decided to give him a chance. "This," he said, showing my uncle a rope, "is a lariat. We use it to catch cows."
"I see," said Uncle Joe, trying to seem knowledgeable as he examined the riata, "And what do you use for bait?"
We had made some changes in our lives. My husband had lost 50 pounds and after eight years of being a housewife, I had taken a job in a restaurant. When I returned home after my first day at work, I gave my husband a big hug. He seemed to cling to me longer than usual. "Did you really miss me that much today, dear?" I asked. "No," came the reply. "But you smell so much like pancakes that I hate to let you go."
As an assistant professor, I taught during the day and did research at night. I would usually take a break around eight, however, to play the strategy game Warcraft online with a teammate. One night, I was paired with a veteran of the game who was a master strategist. With him at the helm, our troops crushed one opponent after another and after six games, we were undefeated. Suddenly, my fearless leader informed me his mom wanted him to go to bed. "How old are you"? I typed. "Twelve," he replied. "How old are you"? Feeling my face redden, I answered, "Ten."
Working at an airline ticket counter, I pulled up a passenger's reservation that showed his name as "Cole, Pheven."
"I'd like to be certain our information is correct," I said to him. "What is your first name"?
"It's Stephen," he replied. "I hope the reservation agent got it right. I told him it's spelled with a ph
The first testicular guard, the "Cup," was used in Hockey in 1874 and the first helmet was used in 1974. That means it only took 100 years for men to realize that their brain is also important.
A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $50.00.. 'Why so little,' she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said, 'Look, I should tell you first that this bird used to live in a house of Prostitution and sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff.' The woman thought about this, but decided she had to have the bird any way. She took it home and hung the bird's cage up in her living room and waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, and said, 'New house, new madam.' The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but then thought 'that's really not so bad.' When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw and said, 'New house, new madam, new girls.' The girls and the woman were a bit offended, but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how and where the parrot had been raised. Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him and said,
'Hi Keith"
A woman takes a lover home during the day while her husband is at work. Her 9-year old son comes home unexpectedly, sees them, and hides in the bedroom closet. Then the woman's husband also comes home. She puts her lover in the closet, not realizing that the little boy is in there already. The little boy says, 'Dark in here.’ The man says, 'Yes, it is.’ Boy - 'I have a golf ball.’ Man - 'That's nice.’ Boy - 'Want to buy it?’ Man - 'No, thanks.’ Boy - 'My dad's outside.’
Man - 'OK, how much?’ Boy - '$250’ A few weeks later, it happens again that the boy and the lover are in the closet together. Boy - 'Dark in here.’ Man - 'Yes, it is.’ Boy - 'I have a sand wedge.’ The lover, remembering the last time, asks the boy, 'How much?’ Boy - '$750’ Man - 'Sold..’ A few days later, the boy's father says to the boy, 'Grab your sand wedge and golf ball, let's go outside and have some short game practice. The boy says, 'I can't Dad.’, I sold my ball and sand wedge. The father says, 'What?! How much did you sell them for?’ Boy - '$1,000.’ The father says, 'That's terrible to overcharge your friends like that. That is far more than those two things cost. I'm going to take you to church and make you confess.’ They go to the church and the father makes the little boy sit in the confession booth and he closes the door. The boy says, 'Dark in here.’ The priest says, 'Don't start that with me again."
I was in the McDonald’s drive-through this morning and the young lady behind me honked at me; very upset because I was taking too long to pay. Wow. “Take the high road,” I thought to myself. So I paid for her food. As I moved up and she leaned out the window looking all crazy at me, because the cashier told her I paid for her food. She felt embarrassed. When I got to the second window to get my food, I showed them both receipts and took her food too. I paid for it, it was mine! Now she has to wait even longer. She’s gonna learn today you just don't mess with us old people.
A Chinese man had three daughters; he asked his eldest daughter what kind of man she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with three dragons on his chest", said the eldest daughter. He then asked his second daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with two dragons on his chest", said the second daughter. He finally asked his youngest daughter whom she would like to marry. "I would like to marry a man with one draggin' on the ground", said the youngest daughter.
A married couple were on holiday in Jamaica They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed a small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with a Jamaican accent say,'You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop.' So the married couple walked in. The Jamaican said to them, 'I 'ave some special sandals I tink you would be interested in. Dey makesyou wild at sex.' Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the Sex God that he was. The husband asked the man, 'How could sandals make you a sex freak?' The Jamaican replied, 'Just try dem on, Mon.' Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gavein and tried them on. As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen before!! In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him over the table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants,and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's thighs. The Jamaican began screaming: 'You got dem on de wrong feet!'
The strong young man at the construction site was bragging that he could outdo anyone in a feat of strength. He made a special case of making fun of one of the older workmen. After several minutes, the older worker had had enough. "Why don't you put your money where your mouth is," he said. "I will bet a week's wages that I can haul something in a wheelbarrow over to that outbuilding that you won't be able to wheel back." "You're on, old man," the braggart replied. "Let's see what you got." The old man reached out and grabbed the wheelbarrow by the handles. Then, nodding to the young man, he said, "All right. Get in."
One day, a guy was driving with his four-year-old daughter and beeped his car horn by mistake. She turned and looked at him for an explanation. He said, "I did that by accident." She replied, "I know that, daddy." He replied, "How'd you know?" The girl said, "Because you didn't say 'JERK' afterwards!"
Clifford and Daisy May were married for many years and lived in East Texas. Whenever there was a confrontation, yelling could be heard deep into the night. Clifford would shout, when I die, I'll dig my way up and out of the grave and come back and haunt you for the rest of your life ol' woman. Neighbours feared him. Old Clifford liked the fact that he was feared. He died at the ripe old age of 98. After the burial, Daisy May's neighbours, concerned for her safety, asked, aren’t you afraid that he may indeed be able to dig his way out of the grave and haunt you for the rest of your life. She replied, “LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOW HE WON'T ASK FOR DIRECTIONS.”
“LET HIM DIG. I HAD HIM BURIED UPSIDE DOWN...AND I KNOSay you are an older senior citizen and can no longer take care of yourself and the government says there is no Nursing Home care available for you. So, what do you do? You opt for Medicare Part G.
The plan gives anyone 75 or older a gun (Part "G") and one bullet. You are allowed to shoot one worthless politician.
This means you will be sent to prison for the rest of your life where you will receive three meals a day, a roof over your head, central heating and air conditioning, cable TV, a library, and all the Health Care you need.
Need new teeth? Need glasses? Need a hearing aid, new hip, knees, kidney, lungs, sex change, or heart? They are all covered! No problem. As an added bonus, your kids can come and visit you at least as often as they do now!
And, who will be paying for all of this?
The same government that just told you they can't afford for you to go into a nursing home.
And you will get rid of a useless politician while you are at it.
Now, because you are a prisoner, you don't have to pay any more income taxes! Is this a great country or what?
Now that you have solved your senior financial plan, enjoy the rest of your week!
A woman ran a red traffic light and crashed into a man's car. Both of their cars are demolished, but amazingly neither of them was hurt. After they crawled out of their cars, the woman said;
"Wow, just look at our cars! There's nothing left; but, fortunately, we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace for the rest of our days.”
The man replied, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God!"
The woman continued,
"And look at this, here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished, but my bottle of 75-year-old scotch didn't break. Surely, God meant for us to drink this vintage delicacy and celebrate our good fortune."
Then she handed the bottle to the man. The man nodded his head in agreement, opened it. and drank half the bottle. He then handed it back to the woman.
The woman took the bottle, immediately put the cap back on, and handed it back to the man.
The man asked "Aren't you having any?”
She replied “Nah, I think I'll just wait for the police"
Many years ago, Adam ate the apple.
Men will never learn,,,
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and say, "I'm fantastic in bed." That's Direct Marketing.
You're at a party with a bunch of friends and see a gorgeous girl. One of your friends goes up to her and pointing at you says, "He's fantastic in bed." That's Advertising.
You see a gorgeous girl at a party. You go up to her and get her telephone number. The next day you call and say, "Hi, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Telemarketing.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. You get up and straighten your tie, you walk up to her and pour her a drink. You open the door for her, pick up her bag after she drops it, offer her a ride, and then say, "By the way, I'm fantastic in bed." That's Public Relations.
You're at a party and see a gorgeous girl. She walks up to you and says, "I hear you're fantastic in bed." That's Brand Recognition.