BARWON DISTRICT SOCIAL GOLF CLUB GEELONG |
THOUGHTS BY MURPHY
THE THOUGHTS ON GOLF OF MURPHY
Golfers who claim they never cheat also lie.
A two-foot putt counts the same as a two-foot drive.
Never wash your ball on the tee of a water hole.
There is no such thing as a friendly wager.
The stages of golf are Sudden Collapse, Radical Change, Complete Frustration, Slow Improvement, Brief Mastery, and Sudden Collapse.
The only sure way to get a par is to leave a four-foot birdie putt two inches short of the hole.
Don't play with anyone who would question a 7.
It's as easy to lower your handicap as it is to reduce your hat size.
If you really want to be better at golf, go back and take it up at a much earlier age.
If your driver is hot, your putter will be ice cold; if you can hit your irons, you will top your woods; if you are keeping your right elbow tucked in, your head will come up.
Progress in golf consists of two steps forward and 26.6 miles backward.
One good shank deserves another.
It takes 17 holes to really get warmed up.
No golfer ever swung too slowly.
No golfer ever played too fast.
One birdie is a hot streak.
No matter how badly you are playing, it's always possible to play worse.
Whatever you think you're doing wrong is the one thing you're doing right.
Any change works for three holes.
The odds of hitting a duffed shot increase by the square of the number of people watching.
Never take lessons from your father.
Never teach golf to your wife.
Never play your son for money.
Never try to keep more than 300 separate thoughts in your mind during your swing.
The less skilled the player, the more likely he is to share his ideas about the golf swing.
It's surprisingly easy to hole a 50-foot putt when you lie 10.
The statute of limitation on forgotten strokes is two holes.
Bets lengthen putts and shorten drives.
Confidence evaporates in the presence of fairway water.
It takes considerable pressure to make a penalty stroke adhere to a scorecard.
It's not a gimme if you're still away.
The more your opponent quotes the rules, the greater the certainty that he cheats.
Always limp with the same leg for the whole round.
The rake is always in the other trap.
The wind is in your face on 16 of the 18 holes.
Nothing straightens out a nasty slice quicker than a sharp dogleg to the right.
The rough will be mown tomorrow.
The ball always lands where the pin was yesterday.
It always takes at least five holes to notice that a club is missing.
The nearest sprinkler head will be blank.
Every time a golfer makes a birdie, he must subsequently make two triple bogeys to restore the fundamental equilibrium of the universe.
You can hit a 2-acre fairway 10 percent of the time and a 2 inch branch 90%of the time.
Out of bounds is always on the right, for right handers.
The practice green is either half as fast or twice as fast as all the other greens.
No one with funny head covers ever broke par.
The lowest numbered iron in your bag will always be impossible to hit.
Your straightest iron shot of the day will be exactly one club short.
Golf can best be defined as an endless series of tragedies obscured by the occasional miracle, followed by a good bottle of beer.
A 'gimme' can best be defined as an agreement between two golfers ...neither of whom can putt very well.
An interesting thing about Golf is that no matter how badly you play, it is always possible to get worse.
If your best shots are the practice swing and the 'gimme putt', you might wish to reconsider this game.
Golf is like marriage, If you take yourself too seriously it won't work, and both are expensive.
The best wood in most amateurs' bags is the pencil.
TEN BEST CADDY RESPONSES
Number :10
Golfer: "I think I'm going to drown myself in the lake."
Caddy: "Think you can keep your head down that long?"
Number : 9
Golfer: "I'd move heaven and earth to break 100 on this course."
Caddy: "Try heaven, you've already moved most of the earth."
Number : 8
Golfer: "Do you think my game is improving?"
Caddy: "Yes . . . . You miss the ball much closer now."
Number : 7
Golfer: "Do you think I can get there with a 5 iron?"
Caddy: "Eventually."
Number : 6
Golfer: "You've got to be the worst caddy in the world."
Caddy: "I don't think so . . . .That would be too much of a coincidence."
Number : 5
Golfer: "Please stop checking your watch all the time. It's too much of a distraction."
Caddy: "It's not a watch - it's a compass."
Number : 4
Golfer: "How do you like my game?"
Caddy: "It's very good - but personally, I prefer golf."
Number : 3
Golfer: "Do you think it's a sin to play on Sunday?
Caddy: "The way you play, it's a sin on any day."
Number : 2
Golfer: "This is the worst course I've ever played on."
Caddy: "This isn't the golf course . . . . We left that an hour ago."
And the Number : 1 . . . . Best Caddy Comment:
Golfer: "That can't be my ball, it's too old."
Caddy: "It's been a long time since we teed off, sir."
Bonus . . . . .
An old favorite . . . . . About the Golfer who has been slicing off the tee at every hole . . . . . He finally gives up and asks his long suffering caddy. . . .. .
Golfer: "Can you see any obvious problems . . . .??"
Caddy: "There's a piece of shit on the end of your club."
Golfer: He picks up his club up and cleans the club face . . . . ..
Caddy: "No sir, it’s at the other end"